Things I learned from IF.

I don't know if I can consider myself "infertile" anymore, but I will always know that I went through infertility to get where I am. And after all is said and done in my own journey, completely taking in the fact that I have succeeded, I can say now that I am actually glad I went through infertility.

To be honest, I'm even glad I had to go through the IVF route. I have learned SO MUCH MORE about the real issue of infertility. By actually living through something like this, I've developed a huge understanding of the issue women face. And still face. I would have never known had I not done it. It's unfortunate we IFers have to complain about how the "fertiles" just don't understand. But without going through it, how can we even hope they understand? Only recently have we started chiseling off the tip of the IF iceberg to feed snow cones to the mainstream.

Back to why I actually consider myself lucky. While I think EVERY MOTHER considers herself lucky she got pregnant and while EVERY MOTHER loves their children beyond comprehension, only a mother who suffered IF can actually appreciate the miracle of conception and carrying a child to full term. Hell, even me, who took 18 months to conceive the first time, took my pregnancy for granted. Once I got that second line, it meant I was going to have a baby 9 months later. No doubt about it. I was telling everyone I knew immediately. I started buying cute little baby things. Sure, I knew there was a risk of miscarriage, but it was still a small risk to me. A risk that most likely simply wouldn't happen. So I choose not to worry. And this is what we (IFers) complain about fertiles for. But I have to admit, without going through it, there's just no way for them to know. Hopefully with the whirlwind of IF information hitting the public through the right channels and even through hollywood, it won't take a personal relationship with infertility to understand it.

I think the BEST THING about having to suffer through infertility is I learned the right way to deal with ~anyone~ trying to conceive. I used to tell women "it'll happen!" and now I know some women won't have a child. I've learned to NOT say stupid crap like "there's always next month!". I know not to stuff rainbows and puppydogs up anyone's ass. I learned that the phrase "I'm sorry" was simply the best response I could give. More doesn't need to be said. Just to feel for the woman and to let her know you are sorry for her suffering. That's all I need to say.

One of the biggest things I've learned is how to deal with women who have suffered a loss. True, I've always been sensitive to the issue of pregnancy loss, but there were three things I had wrong:

1) I always thought the "bright" side of m/c was in knowing the woman CAN get pregnant. I thought that was always something at least to hold onto. And now I know losing a child is NOT a bright side of ttc. Knowing you are creating life but can't hold a pregnancy can even be worse on a woman. I will never ever say "at least you know you can get pregnant" ever again.

2) I used to think a chemical pregnancy or any other early m/c was "easier". Now I know losing a child at any stage is not easy. I used to compare the aspect of losing a child at 20 weeks with a chemical pregnancy. Sure, they are different and the mother will handle the loss differently, but no matter what, they are ALL lost children. And I can see now that an early m/c can be even harder for a woman to deal with because she's not getting the support someone who lost a child further along would get. Or she thinks she's not as deserving of support so won't ask for it.

3) I used to think molar pregnancies were also "easier" because it wasn't really a baby to begin with. And while a molar pregnancy was never an actual child, to the woman, it was. They got the joy from the bfp and the pain from the m/c. They felt every single emotion. But to say something like "at least it wasn't a baby you lost" just totally dismisses all these feelings they really felt. I am guilty of saying that to a close friend and I realize how that sucked. I recently apologized for that.

I wouldn't wish infertility on anyone. But since I did go through it, I can appreciate the things it has taught me. And I can honestly say I am glad that I got the opportunity to learn these things. I cringe thinking of all the things I said in the past to IF women who were hurting.