Tuesday, October 21, 2008

Sometimes I just can't help myself.

(I hate to change the subject from my schnarky post below, because damn, I had so much fun with it, but time to get serious for a moment ...)

I just unloaded on poor Tricia. Not in a bad way, but I just commented way too much on a happy post of her own. See, she is going to graduate the RE's office soon and she was lamenting on how she'll miss all those ultrasounds. I remember feeling the same way. Knowing I'll miss those weekly ultrasounds.

Tomorrow I go in for ultrasound #13. I love seeing my son. I love that it takes at least 30 minutes to get all the measurements and mark down all his points for doing certain things. I know that I will get ~at least~ an u/s every week from now on. This may increase towards the end depending on what's happening, but if figuring 1/week until 40 weeks, I'll get a total of 26 ultrasounds.

But ... And this is a big but ...

I only get these "fabulous" ultrasounds because my doctor is worried my baby boy will die suddenly.

The risk is low but a risk nonetheless. There is a large section of the umbilical cord which transverses almost my entire placenta. Literally, all he has to do is roll onto that section and he will kill himself. Just like that. It can happen too quickly for me to even know it's happening. So we are watching him closely through the weeks to see if he's coming close to it. To see if he happens to nudge it. To see how close he is to a horrific cord accident.

To say I'm terrified doesn't even scratch the surface. It's true I'm not focusing on it, but you can bet your ass it's always there in the back of my mind. I wiggle my belly all the time in a subconscious attempt to keep him from settling down in one place. When I feel a silence in movements my heart catches in my throat thinking "is this the moment I find out my son is dead?" only to feel a normal kick 2 seconds later to tell me "no, it's not".

All I can do is acknowledge the doctors are watching it. If he starts to nudge the cord I'll be admitted to the hospital so they can watch him 24 hours a day. If he continues to nudge it, the doctors will take him before he kills himself. But I know that all the careful monitoring in the world cannot ensure he won't compress his cord when we aren't watching.

And that, my friends, is almost too much for my mind to bear.

41 comments:

Denise said...

I'm sure you would willing trade all of those ultrasounds in a second if it meant you weren't dealing with a scary cord issue.

Geohde said...

Living with the threat of an event like that, even if fairly low probability is scary. Very very scary.

My situation was different, but living with threatened labour from very early on had me pretty worried All The Time.

xx

J

Jen said...

Nancy,
I just wanted to let you know that I'm thinking about you and sweet baby Karl. I'm also praying that the rest of your pregnancy goes smoothly and that baby Karl is safe and sound inside and arrives on his birtday healthy as can be!!

chicklet said...

Good god, I never thought of it that way. I think Denise said it well with the trading of the ultrasounds to not have to deal with it - nice to see him, but not truly when you're seeing him only because things are extra scary.

Trish said...

What a difficult path you are on ... I can only imagine the ups and downs ... the highs and lows. My prayer for courage,faith and hope for you

Faith and Hope are eternal.Faith in yourself.Hope in solutions.


You amaze me with your strength and tenacity Nancy.

I don't have any words of wisdom. I do hope that your ultrasounds and skill of your Dr and being able to share honestly offer you some peace.

Here from IComLeavWe... (adoption,pregnancy loss, IVF twins)
My Little Drummer Boys

Motel Manager said...

That would unnerve me, too, even if the chances of something happening are low. I will be sending you lots of good vibes!

Jenera said...

It's an odd thing, right? I'd love to have more ultrasounds but I know that the less I have, the more 'normal' the doctor thinks things are going. I don't envy you at all with all that pressure in the back of your mind.

::HUGS::

Rebecca said...

Wow, I can't imagine living with that fear. I had a lot of ultrasounds as well but it was because of my low-lying placenta and my gestational diabetes. Let's hope the little dude stays very far away from the bad zone.

ICLW

Stacie said...

I, too, had a lot of ultrasounds during my pregnancy. I have so many ultrasound pictures, I had to buy extra pages for my scrapbook. It wasn't a bad thingj until you realize that I had so many because it seemed like everything that could go wrong did, and they were checking me all the time to make sure my babies were okay.

It took much of the enjoyment out of being pregnant to have so much to worry about.

I am so sorry that you are dealing with a scary situation, too. I do hope that all the precautions are just that and your little bean stays far away from his cord.

I'll be thinking positive thoughts that the baby does!

Here from ICLW

Just Me. said...

Oh my goodness, I can't imagine what you must be going through.

I hope everything works out ok and that you'll soon have your baby boy safe and sound in your arms.

((((hugs)))

Here from ICLW.

Dawn's Recipes / The Baby Blog said...

Oh my God. That's frightening! I don't think I could sleep at night.

Kymberli said...

Nancy, I love how you can think straight enough about anything other than everything you mentioned in this post to even come up with a snarky list like the post below it.

Not fair, how so many who have to go through crap even to get pregnant have to go through more just to stay pregnant and have a healthy baby.

Topcat said...

Holy SHIT. That's scary.

You poor sweetheart, having to worry about this. I will be sending extra amazing, wonderful thoughts to you and Karl from down here .... down in the land you abhor. HA.

Love ya mate xoxoxoxoxo

calliope said...

you totally put it in perspective. I am thinking of you & Karl. Hate that there is any worry at all.
xo

KatieM said...

Ugh hun, I can't even imagine....I mean I worry about Cullen when I can't feel him move as often under "normal" circumstances. Those numerous u/s's really are a crappy trade off for the fear of why you are having them done.

Always keeping you in my thoughts, and I truly can't wait to "meet" your little boy.

Wordgirl said...

Oh Nancy,

Shit. I understood a bit of this from previous posts -- but not the whole of it.

I hope you're taking care to ease your mind and find some kind of relief from worry -- hockey perhaps?

The season's begun you know....

*wink*

But seriously, thinking of you often,


Pam

MrsSpock said...

I hear you. There was nothing more scary than when my son stopped moving for real. And I didn't even have a legitimate reason for paranoia before then.

Morgan said...

I wish the world was perfect and we could prevent everything bad from happening but obviously that's not the case. You have made it so far and I'm sure you will make it the rest of the way just fine, baby Karl is going to be a tough little toot like his momma! :)

Anonymous said...

That sounds SO scary. I'm so sorry.
***HUGS***
~Velma

eggorchicken said...

Thanks for your comment on my blog - makes my issue look like such small potatoes compared to yours!

HUGS, thinking of you and your son, and so hoping that everything goes smoothly for the next few weeks!

x
Yvonne

(here from ICLW)

Bobbie said...

(((HUGS)))

I can only imagne. You are in my prayers.

ICLW

Shinejil said...

Oh, Nancy, I'm so, so sorry that you're facing this. I'll keep you and your son in my thoughts and hope for the best.

Huge virtual hugs!

Kim said...

I totally understand where you are coming from, but in a different realm of it.

They found that I have ABS (amniotic band syndrome) So here I am paranoid that LO will move too much and get tangled in the fibers and well, cause him to lose a limb, or worse get them tangled around his neck or cord.

The worry, is too much sometimes.

Hollie said...

That is so scary. It is nice to see your little guy, but every u/s must be scary when you know what the tech is looking for. We are all hoping for the best for you and Karl.

Miss Tori said...

(((((((((((Nancy)))))))))))))))

Praying that all ends well.

Sarah R said...

That has to be so scary. I would hate to worry like that all the time! Hugs.....I'm glad you're being closely monitored.

margelina said...

I agree, Nancy, and totally understand your fears. All you can do is just believe and trust in your doctors, and God, if you believe, that Karl will be alright. A milliuon (((hugs))) For what it's worth, I'm praying.

Agata said...

Dude, that sucks. That is definitely scary and I just want to send you a ton of internet (((hugs))) I am 200% sure though that Karl is and will continue to be just fine.

theclam said...

Sjoe Nancy, that is very eloquently expressed. I'm praying for Karl to be born 100% healthy and for him to not come close to that cord in his remaining weeks in your tummy.

Take care!
xxx

Mermaid said...

Wow, that is very difficult and scary. I'm thinking about you and Karl. I know you are strong. And I know Karl is a strong little guy, too.

Amy said...

I wouldn't care if the chances are low, I'd still be pretty upset by the whole thing. Praying the rest of your pregnancy will be a healthy one with no complications.

Peeveme said...

Thinking of you. I can't imagine what that must be like. Moments of terror, then relief. Constant worry. And not your garden variety pregnancy worry. Really worry that you have to talk your self out of but also be vigilante. For what it's worth I think you are walking the line between vigilance and terror rather well.

Kaci said...

I really can't imagine what you're going through. Thank God you are in good hands and your doctor is monitoring you closely. I pray for you & Karl...whether you believe it works or not, maybe it's comforting anyway. (((hugs)))

Sorry I haven't been coming around more, it's my funk.

Sara said...

I am so sorry you are having to be on pins and needles with this pregnancy. I know how scary it is to go from one day to the next and just not know.

I am glad you are being monitored so carefully. The doctor will catch anything there is to catch!

I know in my heart of hearts that Karl will be fine. You know, he has a little angel named Samuel watching over him!

Tricia said...

Please don't feel bad for the comment! Jeez, I can't even begin to understand the fear you have for your little one. But, have faith that the doctors are watching your little one really closely and all will be okay. I will pray for you!!

nancy said...

Oh Sara. Reading that just make me grasp my mouth with my hands and burst out in tears. Sad tears but also very very sweet tears.

Nikki said...

That is so scary Nancy. Sending you good luck for the remaining weeks! Big hugs to you

April said...

:( very scary.

thinking about you.

xoxo, april(found you on ICLW)

K @ ourboxofrain said...

I only had the fear of awful things happening for a few days before Harry was born and it was almost more than I could handle. (And we got an extra ultrasound and several NSTs out of it, all of which I'd have traded in not to have to deal with the stress.) Dealing with it for so much of your pregnancy must be terrifying. I hope the rest of your pregnancy goes as smoothly as possible.

Michelle said...

Oh, that must be so scary. I'm sorry you have to deal with that. You have tremendous courage and strength.I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers.

Carrie Ann said...

Hang in there - looks like your docs are monitoring you very well -you're in good hands. keeping my fingers crossed for you -