Sometimes I just can't help myself.

(I hate to change the subject from my schnarky post below, because damn, I had so much fun with it, but time to get serious for a moment ...)

I just unloaded on poor Tricia. Not in a bad way, but I just commented way too much on a happy post of her own. See, she is going to graduate the RE's office soon and she was lamenting on how she'll miss all those ultrasounds. I remember feeling the same way. Knowing I'll miss those weekly ultrasounds.

Tomorrow I go in for ultrasound #13. I love seeing my son. I love that it takes at least 30 minutes to get all the measurements and mark down all his points for doing certain things. I know that I will get ~at least~ an u/s every week from now on. This may increase towards the end depending on what's happening, but if figuring 1/week until 40 weeks, I'll get a total of 26 ultrasounds.

But ... And this is a big but ...

I only get these "fabulous" ultrasounds because my doctor is worried my baby boy will die suddenly.

The risk is low but a risk nonetheless. There is a large section of the umbilical cord which transverses almost my entire placenta. Literally, all he has to do is roll onto that section and he will kill himself. Just like that. It can happen too quickly for me to even know it's happening. So we are watching him closely through the weeks to see if he's coming close to it. To see if he happens to nudge it. To see how close he is to a horrific cord accident.

To say I'm terrified doesn't even scratch the surface. It's true I'm not focusing on it, but you can bet your ass it's always there in the back of my mind. I wiggle my belly all the time in a subconscious attempt to keep him from settling down in one place. When I feel a silence in movements my heart catches in my throat thinking "is this the moment I find out my son is dead?" only to feel a normal kick 2 seconds later to tell me "no, it's not".

All I can do is acknowledge the doctors are watching it. If he starts to nudge the cord I'll be admitted to the hospital so they can watch him 24 hours a day. If he continues to nudge it, the doctors will take him before he kills himself. But I know that all the careful monitoring in the world cannot ensure he won't compress his cord when we aren't watching.

And that, my friends, is almost too much for my mind to bear.