Monday, May 12, 2008

7dp3dt (and a vent)


I was just hoping to complete a cycle, not a bfp, right?

Wow. I'm really going to have to disengage from all thing baby and pregnant and everything. I know it's not over yet, but I can feel my heart breaking into pieces already.

vent: Have you ever known some girls who are so fucking clueless in all things reproductive speaking, their questions finally become too much to handle? I find myself hoping to God they just get pregnant so they'll stop asking questions. It's like they don't learn from question to question - they just keep asking the same thing in different ways - each and every month.

And hello? GOOGLE. It's a great tool. Use it. Stop asking us questions that you can easily look up. I know, we all ask the occasional question we could of looked up - and that's fine. But day after day after day. And I know the rule of "there are no stupid questions", but there are. I'm sorry but "I'm going to be 2dpo - can I go on a bike ride?" and then updating us about said bike ride 8,000 times is getting on my nerves. Is it possible to live your day to day life without asking a bunch of ttc-ers every single little question? What if no internet girls were online? Would you sit at home and not ride your bike?

Argh. There are two girls like this currently in my message board life. They both aren't from the same sub-board, (thank God), but seriously, one of these days I'm going to finally lose it. I've tried the "just ignore" them thing, but it. is. just. so. fucking. hard.

I'm just waiting for their bfp announcements and then they'll go away and start bugging all the pregnant boards with their asinine questions. "omg! I ate a hot dog! Did I kill my baby?" Of course these are the girls who ~will~ get pregnant, you know? Oh - and then they'll act like the ttc experts. Just you watch.

I just spent the last 10 minutes moving the next group of "now pregnant" girls from the "TTC" folder to the "babies" folder. And while I'm happy for them, it saddens me that we'll now lose touch. They are now in that happy place of "all pregnant all the time" and I'm not. It's just too hard. But they won't miss me. They got a whole new life to care about. And I know this will be "my fault". Or the fault of my life sucking uterus and shit lining that can't seem to hold onto even one of four perfect embryos.

Live in Colorado? It's a good time to join the coloBloggers group right now too - seems that joining = pregnancy (except for me and one other girl. And come to think of it, every one of the ttc girls have gotten pregnant from their recent IVFs and natural cycles. There has been loss, yes. Chemical pregnancies and recurrent m/c, but everyone gets pregnant - I can't even accomplish that.) I don't think I'll be able to go to the next meeting. I don't think I can leave my heart at home and I don't think my heart can take all those bellies. I wish I was stronger, but I'm not. Just thinking about attending and having to deal makes me cry even harder. Fuck. I wish I could just suck it up.


Chas said...

I'm sorry your bummed, but I'd feel the same way in your shoes.

The "there are no stupid questions" rule is stupid. I taught middle school before being a sahm, and believe me there are lots of stupid questions. I've always been annoyed by people who ask questions without trying to find the answer themselves first.

Pamela Jeanne said...

Just wanted to let you know I was thinking about you, Nancy. Wishing you strength...

Morrisa said...

I agree, there ARE stupid questions! Maybe you tested too early? I'm still keeping some hope.

Anonymous said...

That is the primary reason why I am no longer on message boards. Even though there can be some cool girls and I may learn a thing or two there, it's just not worth all the aggravation. It's amazing how much more stress-free my life is now.

Laurel said...

I can't take even lurking on those boards a lot of times because I feel like I have to dumb myself down to answer questions and to not come off as a mean know-it-all, which I am SO not!
I am so sorry you are sad and I wish I could do something to help.
I am here for you if you need anything!

chicklet said...

You don't have to suck it up, you can be as mad as you want, cuz it all sucks. Sucks sucks SUCKS. Have I mentioned it sucks? It sucks. SUCKS.

Lori said...

A ColoBLoggers meeting wouldn't be the same without you, Nancy.

And I PROMISE you I won't show up pregnant :-). Hang with me.

(Also, I'll try not to ask stupid questions!)

~Joe said...

((Hugs)), and I know what you mean about annoying people and I may even know one of the people your talking about because she was on the parenting boards talking about ttc because I think she had mc'ed after the whole I'm infertile crap, "oh look next month I'm pregnant,oops nevermind", if its the same lady from before, MAN I feel for you,she caused me to jump ship from webmd,I just couldn't take her constant bragging and then defending/arguing if anyone said anything to her that wasn't 100% supportive and questions ugh the questions.I'm so sorry Nancy, I've been watching from a far with my fingers crossed,I hope you get your beautiful bundle of joy very very soon because you seriously deserve it.

Duck said...

Sorry to hear that you feel bummed, but, just a wee reminder, that you have been pregnant before, therefore it's not like it's an impossibility, it can happen, it will happen.

The message boards are driving me nuts too, I'm thinking about just quitting them.

Jenera said...

I don't really have anything constructive to say other than I'm thinking about you all the time hoping this works.


Miss Tori said...


Keeping you in my thoughts & prayers.

Wouldn't it be funny and a bit forsightful (I know, not a word, but useful in this example) if your embryos were already fighting as to who is going to implant first and because they are so busy fighting about it, they just haven't done it yet. Perhaps this is just a hint of what you can expect with these four.



P.S. I'm still here and I'm not KU!

Dr. Grumbles said...

If it makes you feel any better (and I know it won't 'cause BFNs suck big time), I am not exactly in happy blissful preggo land - I keep wondering when this particular miscarriage will start. I wish I could be clueless and ignorant.

Spicy Sister said...

It is still very early Nancy. I am thinking of you.

Shayna said...

Eh, this all sucks so badly and I had prayed for so much better news for you. I'm still here with you though and even if I got so lucky as to get pregnant, I would never evereverevereverever forget you...I love ya way too much to forget you.

If your heart breaks, I'll do my absolute best to break out the superglue and bandaids and repair it. It may have some cracks in it and little chips, but I'll do my best to keep it together, even for a little while. (((HUGS)))

Sharon said...

Nancy I think it is too early to give up hope. My HPT didn't show anything until 9/10dp3dt and even then I had to squint and hold it at the right angle.

And although you've moved me I will still keep coming to see you.

Hang in there.

JamieD said...

The older I get, the less patience I have for stupid questions and I didn't have much to begin with.

It is sooo hard to be around my pregnant/newly birthed friends. I find I can't be excited or supportive of them all the time, so I choose just to not be around them. I am not trying to hurt them, I just don't have a better way to cope right now.

If you find a magic pill for sucking it up, let me know.

Maryanne said...

Nancy - I acan completely understand you feelings! I took a little break but am back (check out my blog) to blogging and the colobloggers, so know you are not alone and hopefully some of the lucky colvibe will rub off on us!

jenn said...

just big hugs today... {{{ }}}

and there ARE no stupid questions- just stupid people! ;o)
-hope that at least got a little smile!

Anonymous said...

I'm sorry you got a bfn. Hopefully it will be a bfp tomorrow...based on your stats it's definitely possible. Not everyone who gets pg forgets those still ttc. I still think about you (and some others) even through the disappearing blog, etc. It's been almost two years! I feel bad just typing that because I know how long you've been trying. I really hope you get your BFP soon.

Penny said...

Geez. I've been there. I'm there! Not exactly there, but...angry. It would be way cool to start a 'bitch TTC' bunch of message boards; we would kick anyone off that is a repeat Stupid Question Offender.

Anonymous said...

I stumbled across your board recently and I just love that you say it how it is. I seriously feel that your blog is one of the most "real" I have read. It is down and dirty...not all crafted and fake. Thank you for a reality check about the world of IVF. I wish you the best of luck.

Antigone said...

I haven't been to one of those get-togethers yet but I'm sensing it would be the less without you.