Ahhhh. There's nothing better

than a 3 day weekend.

I sit here with a tummy full of good (read: junk) food. I was even able to quash my need for a little shopping with the delivery of an unexpected incoming check.

The day started off a little shaky though ...

My lovely daughter got up at 6:40am. We have a rule which states no children up before 7am, but of course, children do not heed this. She was at my bedside as I explained the little hand was ~not~ on the 7 yet and she must wait until the big hand gets all the way to the top. After a few tears, back to bed she went. But by this time, I was wide awake. Awesome. I laid there for 15 more minutes and got up. (seriously. I can't tell you how much I miss sleeping. I miss it so much. So very much.)

Both children were up as soon as the big hand hit 12, so I spent the morning shushing them (to let daddy sleep) which I had to do, oh, 18,000 times. Daddy got up at 9am and thanked them for being so quiet. (um, hey, buddy? Thank ME for that one. It's something he is definitely not good at. I rarely get a quiet house on my day to sleep. But this is a whole 'nother post.)

Daddy was out of the house by 10am to make it to the Air Force football game (vs Southern Utah. It's 37-7 right now. Ouch.) and I decided to get up and take the kids on an excursion, anything to entertain them. Ahhh. The mall. As I get ready, the kids get into some horrendous fight and I told them because they took my happiness away, I'm taking their happiness away(Who gave me this idea? Someone out in blogland did.) and we were ~not~ going to go to the playground at the mall now. Tears were shed but they straightened up.

And here is where my day changed for the better ...

I did have to get my dress at the dry cleaners though, so we did venture out. As I was leaving, I passed the mailman who delivered a sweet little check, all for me. Ah-ha. Shopping! So dry cleaners and off to the mall we go. I made perfect time, made all lights and got an awesome parking space. Got into the mall and fed the kids first (mcdonald's happy meal for them and a taco for me) then went for two stops.

One, was old navy. I need some freaking maternity long sleeve tees. I still like to wear form fitting clothes and my long sleeved tees are just too short, not making it over the hump of my belly. I get to the maternity section and apparently, Old Navy thinks we're all still summer shopping. Damn. As I turn to leave, there it is. The PERFECT freaking long sleeved tees. I bought one in each color. I make it to the front, no one in line. I start to pay and check to see if I have any gift certificates in my purse and I find $60 worth. And she takes them all. Sweet.

Second was Victoria's secret. I wanted some cute little nighties that hid the bump a bit and some that showed it off. I found the perfect sets AND they were on sale. Amazing.

As we were leaving, I ran into one of my very favorite derby girls from my team. Yay!

The ride home was uneventful. There was a freeway sign of "accident ahead" but never passed one. The girls asked to listen to the white stripes and we all sang "little ghost" at the top of our lungs. No one fell asleep (disaster if they do) and both went right to bed when we got in.

So. Here I sit. Full, happy and content. The little man is giving me a few kicks to tell he's also pleased with today.

Hrm. How long is this going to last?

Why do I have to work?

Oh yeah, because if I don't work, I don't get paid. And if I don't get paid, how will I afford to be a compulsive shopper? It's a vicious cycle. Lame.

Only 3 more hours to go and I get off for the day. I have a 90 minute massage scheduled and I'm in severe need. My right shoulder is freaking so tight and I need some relief. Which is why I do 90 min massages, 30 minutes for deep work on problem areas and an hour for relaxation.

I'm all giddy right now because I had one of the nicest things ~ever~ said to me a little while ago. It's personal, so I'm not sharing, but even if I did, you wouldn't "get it". So I'm not keeping anything from you, just acknowledging how fucking awesome it is for someone to say something nice out of the blue. It's always the best when it's unexpected.

After my massage, I'm going to have to stop at a store to pick up some fixing's for dinner. I'm making yummy flank steak pinwheels (flank steak stuffed with spinach, asiago and ricotta) and I need salad and a starch side. Then I've invited our friends Laurel & Pete over for dinner, so it'll be fun. Everything is better with friends.

Okay, yeah, I need to get back to focusing on work. As much as I would love to just blog all damned day, I can't.

Second question for any IFer (or loss)

Girls, I'm so sorry. You have all had things said to you which was so very terrible.

The reason I posed the last question was just to see what kinds of comments we were all getting. I assume most of the "they meant well" comments were the same, but in asking for the ~worst~ comments, we really saw how people simply do not understand the world of infertility and loss. It just shows how much there is to share with the world on this topic.

Some of you mentioned the emotional reaction you had. So here is the question I pose today:

1. What was the reaction you had then?
2. What would be your reaction today if it happened again?

A question for any IFer ...

I'm conducting a little poll here ...

What was ~the worst~ thing ever said to you regarding your infertility? I'll keep the subject broad, so it can be about ttc, not conceiving, loss, anything. But just leave it to one comment.

I'll start it off in the first comment.

A bit more on the last topic.

Many comments said something about the fact she may act that way due to having so many children.

Point taken.

BUT ... it's a horrible example to show for those children. All 8 of them are growing up watching her bark orders at her husband and verbally degrade the guy. True, he's taking it, which is also a bad example, but I just don't understand why that channel (what channel is it? TLC?) would choose to have a show out there showing what ~not~ to do? If it WAS, in fact, a "this is what not to do" type of show, where they would have someone come in and help her back the fuck off and him buck the fuck up, maybe. But it's not. It's supposed to be this cute show about this woman who beat the odds and had 6 babies survive after a fertility "nightmare" (which I do agree her approach to IUI was a nightmare and may be causing more women to go ahead with those kinds of conditions instead of choosing what is smart for her own health and the health of any babies conceived).

note: I'm not saying she should be perfect. I wouldn't expect it to be all puppydogs and rainbows with a household like that. But she just should not degrade her husband ever 2 minutes.

So, instead of 8 children being raised to see her mockery of her ~husband~ (you know, the guy who should be held in the utmost respect? As both man and woman should be in all marriages?), it's being viewed by millions of households too.

I just find it sad that just because they are a novelty of birthing a bunch of children, a very dysfunctional marriage is being made to look "okay", normal or not.

What a bitch.

I just watched a bit of "Jon and kate plus 8" (i was watching "medical incredible" about crazy deformities on discovery heath, so during commercials, the jon and kate show was on the next channel) and it was my first time actually seeing it.

My first thought? Kate's a bitch. She really talks down to her husband. And each time I saw it, for like 2 mins max, she did it again. Made me feel bad for the poor guy.

Maybe this isn't a good representation of her, as it could just be this episode, but ugh. I'm surprised we haven't seen them on Cops for Jon giving her a beatdown.

oh yeah...

also,

baby is a hefty 8ozs. And I have a anterior placenta, which is located on top of my belly, so those kicks aren't strong yet because the poor little boy has to kick that instead of my tummy directly.

The Good, the Bad and the Cute.

Wow. The u/s was over an hour long! The periontologist came in and she asked me if she could practice some new techniques she learned in a class last week. Fine by me! So I did get to see things I never saw before (like a 4d of a beating heart and blood movement through ventricles, etc) but it was all really technical so definitely over my head. But without further ado, the updates:

The Good: Baby is measuring perfectly. All parts intact and in all the right places. Functioning heart, kidneys and bladder. Working mouth, throat, tummy. And he definitely had a penis. Oh, and big feet. I found that funny. So for the anatomy scan, ~all~ was well. Yay!

The Bad: The cord was still definitely velamentous. Quick explanation: The plactenta is shaped like a disc and a perfect cord insertion would be right in the middle. In my case, the cord goes through the bag of waters and attaches about 2cm from the end of the placenta and then transverses (goes in sideways) to the middle of the placenta.

This causes some concerns. The first concern is it could restrict growth due to decreased blood flow. This happens in about 5% of VCI cases. The Dr ordered growth scans every 6 weeks, with my next one at 24 weeks. The second concern is much, much scarier. Due to the cord not being as mobile in the section it transverses the placenta, as the baby gets bigger, the baby can roll over on it and compress it enough to cause the blood flow to stop, literally killing himself, resulting in a stillbirth. This happens in about 1% of cases. The Dr has ordered tests to watch the heartrate twice a week starting at 32 weeks. If they can tell the baby ~is~ actively compressing the cord enough to see it on the test, they'll take the baby early. She said these tests won't take the risk down to zero, as they can't monitor me 24 hours a day and a freak accident can always happen. Ugh. So this is scary. You better believe I'll be listening to the baby via doppler a lot in 3rd tri. Oh, and the cord inserts on the right side, so as I get bigger, no right side sleeping!

The Cute: We got some cute ultrasound pictures. I did get the money shot (even though we already knew he was a boy) and some other profiles, but those are always hard to point out. I don't have a scanner here at work, so these are pictures of pictures. Crappy quality, but you can still see him.


This is my favorite. He's looking straight at us, eyes closed. On the bottom of the picture, a little to the left, you can see his shoulder and his arm and elbow really well, and his hand is nestled up on the right side of picture, covering the left side of his face. You can see his right eye, little nose and lips really really well.


This one is almost the same as the first, but he turned and covered the other side of his face with his hand. Now the left eye is visible and his hand is curled up in front of his face, with the other hand under his chin.


This one ~is~ creepy, but funny enough to post. The entire topf of his face/head gets distorted due to his arms, but he opened his mouth and looks like he's smiling. Heh.

Tomorrow is a big day.

The day of the "big" ultrasound. Seems I'm having it a bit on the early side, as they usually do them around 20 weeks, but this is when it was scheduled, so who am I to ask for them to wait? ~wink~

I'll be a mere 18w3d, but good to go. It'll be at the hospital's Maternal Fetal Medicine office instead of my regular OB. Apparently, when you start out at MFM due to being AMA, they like to keep you there. I actually really like this approach. Instead of having a tech at the OB's office do it, I'll be in the hospital with a periontologist coming in at the end to go over the results. Cool by me.

So I'm a little nervous. This is such an important milestone to get to and if something is wrong with the peapod, it could be found now. Ugh. So "healthy baby vibes" all around.

The appointment is at 845am MT, so I'll be updating pretty early with the hopefully ~good~ results.

I get way too distracted.

So my husband is up in Denver at Red Rocks seeing NOFX and the Bosstones play. I could have gone, but really, what's a show without beer? I'd be tired and annoyed by everyone else. And I really have to get ready for Goose's birthday party.

Instead of doing the things I had to do: sweep, mop, general cleanup, it's 10:24pm right now and since I've started cleaning around 3pm, I have completely organized the office, the kids' room, the living room and the master bedroom. Organized meaning taken things out of drawers and re-arranged, dumping anything I deem "extra". I have gone through ALL the toys, found all missing parts and put everything back together, down to the littlest puzzle piece to Mr potato head's right ear. I have thrown away a huge garbage bag full of crappy toys, not worth goodwill, I promise. This toy thing alone was a huge task.

Now it's 1027pm and I have to: sweep, mop and the kitchen still needs the general cleanup.

Awesome. Taking a few hours off work really got me ahead, eh?

It's 1131 right now and dusting, sweeping and mopping is done. Kitchen counters are left. No idea why I'm updating you with my progress except my legs hurt and it feels like a break to sit down for a moment.

Today is Friday. Crap.

Which means I have entirely way too much to do. WAY too much.

~ Work isn't too bad, but there ~is~ a lot to get done. I just have to wait on other people to do it. So that sucks.

~ Hubby is going out of town early today for a NOFX show tonight at Red Rocks, so that leaves me to do everything house related to get ready for a birthday party tomorrow. The house isn't in dire straights or anything, but does need all the heavy cleaning, like mopping, windows, etc. Oh, and the backyard needs cleaning.

~ Then there is the actual birthday party tomorrow. Which means decorations, getting food ready, etc, etc, etc.

And, I don't feel well right now. Suck.

I just had to walk a freaking mile to go meet with some people at work and as I was walking back, I noticed something maybe peculiar about me. When someone walks past and you get their personal smell breeze (you know, the little wift of wind they make which smells like them), I hold my breath. I can't stand breathing in someone else's smell. Not that it's a bad smell, but it's just their smell. Ick. Does anyone else do that?

"Have you ever watched yourself ..."

"Have you ever watched yourself poop?" an acquaintance of mine asked me last night.

"Um, no. I mean, what? I don't understand the question?" I ask, even though I don't know why I'm asking, because no matter how she meant that question, my answer is still no."

"Have you ever watched yourself poop? Like in the mirror." she explains.

"Like watching what your face looks like?" Why I'm still asking for further explanation is beyond me.

"No. Putting a mirror ~under~ you to watch." Which drives her question home without needing anymore explanation.

"Heh. No." I try to say without laughing. But I have to ask now, and really, I do ~not~ want to know, but I hear me say "Have you?"

"Yeah, it's really gross."

"Yeah, I'd imagine. So how bout them red sox?"

The above exchange was a real conversation I had yesterday. I swear, I couldn't make stuff like this up.

Weight.

I decided against the post I was going to post because, well, it's been done before. Even though I have an additional opinion about it, I really don't want to have to start from square one and talk through all the same responses again.

But I've got another one, less controversial, but still, bugs the hell out of me.

Weight. Namely the weight gain during pregnancy.

Good lord, I see ~so many~ freaking "omg! I gained 3 lbs" messages and on the other side "I've only gained 2 lbs this whole pregnancy! I'm awesome!" messages, I'm about to go insane. Of course I don't respond to these, except maybe to calm down someone who has gained.

I'm relatively thin. I've been super skinny most of my life, but things changed a bit when I got older. My "normal" when I eat like crap everyday is about 10lbs overweight. If I watch what I eat and exercise, I can be at my body's "perfect" weight. And then there is the size 1 weight I can achieve when I stop eating, but that wasn't on purpose, it was stress induced. So now you know my background.

I can understand those scared posts, worrying about their weight gain. That's why I try to calm down their fears. Yes, 25-30 lbs is what a doctor would suggest a woman carrying a singleton to gain. But some women's bodies simply don't know that rule. ~I~ gained 50 lbs EACH pregnancy! Sure, my OB gave me "the talk" but when I lost it all within the first few months, he was cool. When I gained again with baby #2, he said "that's what your body needs to do". Of course you won't know what your body needs to do when it's your first pregnancy. But if you are eating relatively well, you can bet you are gaining the appropriate weight the baby needs.

I also realize that for people who have struggled with their weight for years, even the recommended weight gain can be a very scary prospect. So I acknowledge this is something I simply don't have any experience with, so I can't judge.

But then there are the women who gloat about "I only gained 2 lbs and I'm 38 weeks!". (Here comes the controversy...) These messages literally piss me off. I ~want~ to say "yeah, but how much did you weigh when you started??"

A woman who is overweight is expected to gain less than someone within normal ranges. And a woman who is overweight and suddenly becomes a healthy eater when she sees that BFP may actually lose bad weight while gaining baby weight, so her weight may stay static throughout the pregnancy, even sometimes showing a decrease.

And that's great! BUT, when you are on a public message board, gloating about how you only gained 2 lbs may actually be causing harm for others. Let me explain.

Based on statistics from the CDC, 25% of Americans are considered very overweight. So for the argument, let's say this percentage is the same for pregnant women. Of these 25%, many aren't going to have to gain that much during pregnancy due to their energy stores. And many will actually lose weight or break even.

When these women do their weight gloat, whom do not mention how much they weighed at conception, the other 75% of women see this and they worry about their own weight gain. And whammo. That's when you see women freaking out over gaining 2 lbs in 4 weeks.

Look, I totally get the idea that when a women is drastically overweight, the idea of NOT gaining is huge. I understand that losing bad weight during a pregnancy is something to be personally happy about. But please, without stating the fact they didn't have to gain during pregnancy is not helping out the 75% of women who should gain.

It is quite unfortunate that skinny=beautiful is drilled into little girls as soon as they open their eyes. America is terrible in giving so many women bad body issues. It sucks and I definitely agree. But it just boggles my mind that the women who are most likely struggling with their own body issues are the reason so many other women are crying over their very normal weight gain. And maybe they will start restricting themselves which in turn leads to the baby not getting the amount of nutrients it needs.

Like I said, I think it's great when someone who has a little more bread in the oven can lose weight or not gain during pregnancy. But to make it sound like that's a good thing for everyone? I find it a little misleading.

Be proud for yourself! But just make sure it's not taken out of context.

Controversy is stewing ...

but it will take me a little while to get it out.

What could it be? Anxious to find out? :) ~wink~

A Terrible Loss.

A blogger friend of mine, known as Jen or jcoin, suffered a terrible loss yesterday. Her husband collapsed at work and died.

She just got her BFP and was looking forward to her first OB appointment next Monday. My heart is just breaking for her.

Please take a trip over to her blog and leave a note for her to show your support.

I found the link to an article .. http://www.vindy.com/news/2008/aug/19/ysu-videographer-31-dies-after-football-practice/

I'll give you $5

if you remember to remind ME to ask my OB about VCI and my questions for my Sept 3rd appt (okay, I'll give $5 to the first person who reminds me on that day.)...

~ I know peapod will be getting growth scans starting at 28 weeks. What if the baby is on the small side due to VCI? Will the baby be taken early? What would be the earliest? (I'll freak if it's before 38 weeks.)

~ If the baby is taken early, will I be induced or will a c-section be necessary?

~ During delivery, will I definitely be able to do a vaginal birth?

~ Is there anything that would necessitate a c-section regarding VCI?

~ Due to the delivery of a placenta with VCI, what will happen if the cord does detach? Will we still try to manually extract it? Or will emergency surgery be necessary?

-- updated due to new info.

~ Growth scans will start at 24 weeks.

~ Cord Compression. Ugh. Lots of questions. Will laying on left side help due to it being on the right side? What is the risk of stillbirth for general public? Can I do anything to decrease this risk?

Survival Rate by Gesational Age.

1. This is really just for me to plunk down somewhere so I can find it easily. I always have to search for it.
   
   There are more detailed charts out there, but this one was as basic as I needed.
   
   Advances in medical care have made it possible for many premature infants to survive and develop normally. However, whether or not a premature infant will survive is still intimately tied to his or her gestational age:
   
   21 weeks or less: 0% survival rate
   22 weeks: 0-10% survival rate
   23 weeks: 10-35% survival rate
   24 weeks: 40-70% survival rate
   25 weeks: 50-80% survival rate
   26 weeks: 80-90% survival rate
   27 weeks: greater than 90% survival rate
   
   (note: many charts simply list the first number. This one gives a better range.)

Happy Birthday Goose.

It's my silly goose's 3rd birthday today. To commemorate it, I've put up a post on my family blog. I wanted to put it up here, but it's got some 'triggery' type pictures, so I'll let you decide if you want to join in on her celebration.

Updates? Hrm. None on my side. My belly is almost non-existent right now. It's strange, I was all moving forward quickly with the growth, but as it's grown, my organs are nestling in nicely, so no more big bumps. I'm even wearing pre-preg jeans today (using the rubber band trick, of course).

I may be feeling movement, well, I AM, but I'm waiting for a kick. I think I felt a kick on Saturday night, but then again, I couldn't confirm it. I must continue to wait.

My birthday was awesome. Thanks again for all the well wishes! Dinner was fantabulous and way too expensive. My goodness, could you imagine what it would of been with some fabulous glasses of wine? Mmmmmm.

I didn't do much of anything else this weekend. It was cold and rainy and kinda just hung out watching movies.

My "big" ultrasound is one week from today! Yipee!! Time to see if peapod is growing in all the right ways.

Yeah, that's about it. Quite boring, eh?

It's cold.

It's mid AUGUST for goodness sake and it was freaking 48 degrees yesterday. And although it's 57 right now, it's going to be another low of 48 tonight.

It's summer people. It's supposed to be hot.

Oh, and yes, that IS fahrenheit.

Thank you!

Thanks for the birthday wishes today.

I've taken the day off and I'm just relaxing until I have a 90 minute massage later today. (I get a massage every 2 weeks). Then I'm being taken out to dinner - where you actually need reservations. Fancy! ~wink~

Hope everyone is having a good friday! And have a fantabulous weekend!

Whoa.

I just totally almost passed out.

I was walking down the hallway at work and suddenly everything went dizzy. My world blackened a bit, I stumbled towards the wall and then it all got better and I continued to walk.

That was nutty.

Mind numbing Thursday.

It's Thursday today, but I think I may make it my Friday. Tomorrow is my birthday and I think it should be a law that you should get your birthday off from work, dontcha think?

Other than that, I have mind numbing work to complete today. I'm taking a quick break to check in because I don't want that last post to be my "newest" post, since I really don't want to give it that much credit. Yes, it happened. Yes, it sucked. But it certainly doesn't have any power over me now.

Now here is the part where I'm going to be a little non descript to mention something that happened yesterday. I wrote a post 4 months ago about a situation that really, truly bothered me. It was about something that was in the public eye and it was about someone I really didn't know.

Well, as you know, when someone puts something out there in public, and that something is quite, well, disturbing, not everyone is going to be happy with it. That's just the way life is - you put things out and you will be prone to judgements. I didn't contact the person who I was talking about, as I really was simply reacting to what I saw unfold in public. The main "thing" was not what was happening in the "now", but the choices that got that person there in the first place. It's something I feel VERY strongly about and being my blog, I pretty much have every right to talk about it.

From some other events, this person ended up 'knowing' me and went and read months and months of my blog, finally coming upon my discussion. What I feel bad about is not over my opinion on the situation, as I still feel exactly the same way about it, but I do wish she didn't have to read it in the angry context I wrote it in. I was just off of a failed IVF and an about to be cancelled FET, so my emotions were high. I wrote it in a way where I chose some of the wrong words to describe it and I do apologize for that now. But I will not apologize for writing it in the first place. It was and still is my opinion, an opinion that I am allowed to have.

I could see if I took something in confidence and wrote about it in this public blog. But I didn't. I talked about the choices that were made at the time, landing this person in quite a tough situation. A situation, that I may add, I have always honestly felt bad about. I think people are assuming I don't wish this person well or that because I didn't agree with the decision that got this person there, that I don't care for the welfare of her "now". But of course I do. I wish this person nothing but good things. Just because I feel it was this person's own "fault" for getting into this position, doesn't mean I want this person to fail. That's absurd! This person needs amazing strength to continue on and I hope this person succeeds. I don't mind this person is "around" at all, nor would I want anyone to change their opinion to mine. I don't hate this person, I don't think this person should lose support. I simply feel strongly about some decisions that were made months and months ago. That was it. My feelings on the subject don't follow this person around after that first decision. What had to happen, well, had to happen.

Let me try to put it this way. Let's say a person decided to rob a bank and now they are in prison. You can be very upset with their decision to rob a bank, right? But that doesn't mean you hope they are assaulted everyday in prison. In fact, you can hope nothing but the best for them and that they learned from their bad decision so they won't make it again. And maybe others will see this person landed in prison and they won't make the same mistake. There's nothing different between how I feel and this example.

What I would hope to see is that others will understand it's okay for someone to have an opinion about a situation, regardless of who the person is. You can like a person who is in prison and still not agree with what got them there in the first place. I have a friend who I adore who just got out of jail a few years ago. I love him to death but I don't agree with the crime he committed. And see how I can still talk about how I definitely don't agree with the crime, but still like the person? I just feel people are missing this point.

But, alas, I can't do anything about the judgements people make about me. The same way they can't do anything about the judgements I make on their public actions. So what can you really do? When you put yourself out there in the public eye, people make assumptions and judgements about you. If I never wanted to be judged, I wouldn't talk about all the details of my life. Hell, there ARE things I don't care for the public to discuss about me because I just couldn't see a negative thought about it. So guess what? I don't discuss those things!

All I'm saying is it's human nature to judge. Why do you think America is so fascinated with the "famous"? We judge Britney's ability to mother. We judge who's got the "best bikini body." And that's just dumb shit. Write an article about being pro-life or pro-choice and see how many people judge your stance. Tell the world you just aborted a baby and see how many people will have an opinion. Write a book about how you breastfeed and see how many people will judge your decision. Money. Politics. Religion. My goodness, look how many millions of lives have been lost over religion!

It's all about judgements. Opinions. The more "sensitive" the subject, the more judgements are going to come in for or against you. I had a strong opinion about one of the more sensitive subjects and I wrote about it. And believe me, this ~exact~ topic has been discussed more than once, I've seen it in multiple places. I'm just one of the people who also was deeply disturbed by something I saw in public. Are we not supposed to have opinions? Are we not allowed to discuss things just because there is a human being involved in it? No. We live in a wonderful free country and it's one of our most beloved rights. Could you imagine how terrible it would be if we all had to keep our opinions to ourselves? At least I didn't make an already bad situation worse by giving my opinion where I knew it would be read by someone already in a lot of emotional pain. I kept it to where I thought it would be safe. It's simply unfortunate it had to be uncovered in the manner it was, months and months after the fact.

Rape isn't anything to be ashamed of.

I mentioned it today in Mel's post about bad dates. And then thought to myself, "Jeez, if anyone reads that who knows me and hadn't heard the story ... " so I thought I'd mention it again.

I know I've spoken about this before. Maybe in my old blog. Maybe in this blog. I'm not sure. Maybe it wasn't a whole post, it could have been in some random meme of sorts, but let me take a little time to explain my thoughts.

The day after my 25th birthday, I was raped multiple times by the same man.

I was vacationing, alone, in San Diego. I was staying with a friend, but he worked during the day, leaving me alone to search out the city by day. One of those days was spent getting pretty fucking drunk in a bar on Pacific beach. I had spent the morning swimming and found my way into a bar. I met some locals and we were having a great time. I was already quite drunk (hey, I was on vacation!) when one guy suggested to move the party to his place. I was game. I remember getting on the back of his motorcycle and riding to his place. Once inside, his other friend joined us and the very last thing I remember was the friend handing me a drink.

That was it.

I regained consciousness about 16 hours later and he was on top of me. I blacked out again. I came to and he was gone. There were multiple condoms laying on the ground. I stood up and dressed. I didn't feel like I was hungover, it was a strange feeling. I was disoriented and found my way out of the room where he was there. He put me in his car and dropped me off where he found me, in front of that bar.

I was sickened. I was full of guilt, thinking to myself it was my fault. I was the only one who caused this terrible thing to happen to me. I walked back to my friends house and showered. My friend was pissed I was out all night, assuming I just partied my way through the night, not caring to come back to his place. I didn't tell him what happened. I was so fucking ashamed.

It was years later that I started to even think about it again. I thought about how I was completely out for such a long time and how even when I came to, I was out again. I thought about how I wasn't hungover, but disoriented. This put the possibility of being drugged into my head. I was taken advantage of. Even if I was simply drunk, I was obviously not coherent to give my permission for sex. Nor would I have done so if I wasn't drunk. These were not the type of guys I was attracted to. I've done dumb things while drunk, but I was always in control of myself. This was nothing I allowed. I was raped. And by the looks of things, it wasn't just one time. I don't even know how many people raped me. I don't know if that other man took part or if it happened later. Not knowing is terrifying, but maybe knowing what happened would be worse.

I wish things were different. I can't go back and say "I wish I didn't go back with them" because I had. I don't want to waste any of my life thinking of that. I wouldn't want to give this man (or men) any more of me. Fuck them. They don't deserve it. But what I will say is I wish the stigma of rape was different. I'm a strong woman and I thought if this ever happened - hell yeah I would put whomever did it in jail. But facing it, I blamed myself for too many years. By the time I came to the conclusion this wasn't my fault, it was too late to do anything legally. I have no idea who these men were, where they lived or anything about it. So that's my only regret. The regret that these men aren't spending years in prison, enduring what I had to endure. Rape.

A note to the previous post...

A few people left comments regarding this and I thought it was important enough to mention it.

Babies make noise when they sleep. So much noise I actually turned off the monitor during the night (nursery is literally 10 feet from my bed, so I could hear them just fine). If I had the baby in my bedroom, co-sleeper, crib, bassinet, whatever, I would get even LESS rest. It's amazing that no matter how sleep deprived I was, I never ever slept through my baby's cries or before I turned of the monitor, every little noise.

Lisa made a very good point too. Babies cry in their sleep. And if the baby was in the room, a mother would more than likely breastfeed the baby when it was actually not necessary. My babies would cry in their sleep and like Lisa, by the time I walked the whole 15 feet to their crib, they'd be asleep again and I would simply go back to bed. If the baby was next to me, I'd pick up the baby right away and nurse. This would get the child used to breastfeeding all the time and I'm betting there could be some sleeping through the night issues where there wouldn't be.

Which leads me to another point. If a mother wakes up each and every time the baby made the slightest of noise, the mother would be getting even ~less~ sleep. And if that mother brought the baby to bed and slept while nursing, there would be an even higher risk of a deadly accident. (To read how easy it really is for this to happen, read the comments from the previous post. There is some really good information there.)

Co sleeping and baby suffocation.

I was on the 2nd tri board today and we had a discussion about sleeping arrangements. Many women said they'd keep the baby in their room, at least at the beginning, because of breastfeeding. So I asked why having the baby in the room made it easier, since I breastfed both my babies for an entire year and they ~never~ spent the night in my room.

Before I get into this, I am NOT making this into some co-sleeping debate. If you want to co-sleep or you have co-slept, I think that decision is totally a personal one. I wouldn't do it, but I would never ever tell anyone else they shouldn't. I will explain my own reasons for my choice, but this is not a debate of the subject.

First of all, I am a big proponent of personal space. I am Nancy and a mother. To keep these two separate, I need to have my personal space. I love being a mother, but being a mother doesn't drown out my own identity. Therefore, my bedroom is my bedroom. Kids can come in if I give the okay, but that's it. This also applies to my newborns. No bassinet in my room. No co-sleeper in my room. They have a room and that's where they go from the very first day at home. Plus, babies make noises when they sleep. If I had one of my babies in the room with me, I'd never get the few moments of sleep I'm even allowed!

Secondly, I'm scared to death of accidentally killing my own child. I watched an "Ask Dr Baden: Autopsy" show on HBO once. There was a woman who had 2 previous children, one whom died suddenly of SIDS. Then, she had twins who tragically both died on the same night. Being it the same night, all kinds of allegations were brought up against her, which she was finally cleared of. SIDS was given as the reason of death.

This woman was broken up over the deaths, as any woman would be. She went to Dr Baden for answers. The twins were exhumed and a full work up was performed. Dr Baden spent months on the case and finally called her back with his results.

He determined the twins died from suffocation from her rolling up on them while sleeping while nursing. He explained that babies, especially newborns, don't struggle or cry when this happens, instead, they just go to sleep forever. This is why she never noticed it happening. Also, you don't even have to roll on top of them to suffocate them. Just rolling up too close can cut off enough oxygen supply. Also, this is obviously a freak, but common occurrence. Just because you can successfully sleep-nurse 7 other children, doesn't mean it won't happen to the 8th child.

This is why cribs were even invented in the first place! A little bit of trivia for you. Cribs were created to help with this very issue. Crazy. And here the "new mom" comes, thinking it's best for bonding.

I think if you are going to co-sleep, great. Totally your choice. But I would hope that you take precautions to prevent this accident from happening. Have a co-sleeper that attaches to your bed. Or, if the baby is in the same bed as you, have one of those dividers that won't let you roll close enough for this to happen. Then, when you wake to nurse, you should sit up ~or~ get up and sit in a chair. Don't lay with the baby right next to you. I nursed in a chair and while I fell asleep accidentally sometimes doing this, I had a blanket under my arms, so if I did fall asleep, I wouldn't do something stupid like drop the baby.

Again. This is not against co-sleeping. I'm only stating the dangers of sleep-nursing. I simply don't know how I could live with myself if I accidentally killed my baby. I read 22 babies die each year, in Minessota alone, from a parent accidentally suffocating their baby while sharing a bed. If you use that as a state average, that would account for 1,100 deaths per year nationwide.

"The parents either partially roll over on top of the baby or put just their an arm on top of the baby's chest and end up killing the baby," said Thomas who is a forensic pathologist. "In 2006, 95 percent of the 60 plus infant deaths are related to unsafe sleep environments." was found in the article "Parents Warned Not To Share Beds With Infants" by Caroline Lowe, July 13, 2007. That's scary!

When I looked at pro co-sleeping sites, I saw a quote from James J. McKenna, Ph.D. stating: "To claim that there is NO chance of an adult overlaying a baby would be irresponsible, but so would it be irresponsible to claim that an infant could never be killed while traveling in an automobile." But to me, getting killed in a car accident and having a parent roll over on a baby are two totally different ballgames. Hell, they are two totally different sports!

So when making your decision, make an informed decision. Your baby's life depends on it.

Okay, I'll do a meme.

I got tagged my the lovely Lilith. So I guess I'll go ahead and do it, even though this is my second posting of the day.

Here is my list of 6 (yes, ~only~ 6) of my quirks:

1. I absolutely ~abhor~ loud eating. But guess what? My best friend Ryan recently pointed out that I am a loud eater. And, gasp!, I am! OMG. This is terrible. I give so much shit to other people about it and there I am, smacking away. I promise I will break myself of this.

2. I am over the top ticklish. I'm so ticklish that I can't even scratch the bottom of my big toe. I actually can tickle myself.

3. I have a fascination with boobs. Since I got my own boob job, I'm even fascinated with my own. I think I am part male.

4. I eat salt. Like I eat it plain. Mmmm. My friends know this and think I'm insane. For a graduation gift, I got a salt block - like the own they make for cattle. Moooo.

5. I hate it when people have songs as their cell phone ring. Yet I have a song as my cell phone ring. Yes, I know I'm quite the hypocrite.

6. I can't stand to have dirty feet, yet I like to go barefoot. As soon as I'm in the house, I have to wash my feet before I can sit down and relax.

Here are the rules when you get tagged:
1. Link back to the person who tagged you
2. Mention the rules on your blog
3. Tell about 6 unspectacular quirks of yours
4. Tag 6 following bloggers by linking them
5. Leave a comment on each of the tagged blogger’s blogs letting them know they’ve been tagged.

But guess what? I'm a big rule breaker! So I'll go ahead and do 1-3, but that's it.

Please kick your mommy.

I'm getting anxious for the kicks. I'm 16 1/2 weeks and due time to start feeling this little boy. I do feel random "what the hell was that?" feelings - little flutters, little movements. But it never happens two times in a row, so I'm never ever paying attention. And because of that, I can never conclude it's actually him.

The funny thing about early movements is most of the time, it's digestion. The uterus moves all the intestines up, pretty much squishing against them. So most of the time I think I feel a movement roll across my lower tummy and a few moments later I pass gas or have to go to the bathroom. Heh. "I just felt the baby!" turns out to be my lunch.

I know it's still on the early side though. With Ella, I didn't feel the kicks until 19 weeks. With Allison though, I felt her early. I was definitely feeling kicks by 16 weeks. ~Grumble~. Of course, I know I'm on the lucky train to lotteryland for even getting the chance to await the eventual kicks, but now that I've been on the train for 16 weeks, I find myself wanting a better seat. Funny how the bitching of an past IFer turns into whining about not feeling kicks soon enough, eh? Any IFers out there still awaiting their first BFP, go ahead and roll your eyes and call me a bitch. It's totally cool with me for you to do that!

Hrm, what else?

How do I approach this one? I'll just blurt it out. I am uneasy about reading blogs that delve into the personal nature of someone's brain. Like when a pregnant blogger writes emotional letters to her unborn baby. It feels to me that I shouldn't be reading such a personal thing, so I end up shying away from the blog all together. Or if anyone gets too religious in their blog, I quickly click away. I honestly don't know why I do it. But if I see a bible passage quoted in a blog? Yeah, it's like I have no idea how to relate, so off I go.

Does anyone else have any blogging aversions?

What's with all these rules?

I'm a pretty good pregnant girl, although I don't follow all the rules. I just think American rules are too stuffy and don't allow women to use their brains.

Instead of giving us information like "Listeria is a bad to contract while pregnant, be sure to only eat fresh deli meats."
... they put forth the rule "Do not eat deli meat."
... and "Do not eat hot dogs."

Instead of giving us information like "Heavy drinking of alcohol can cause fetal damage"
... they put forth the rule "Do not let a drop of alcohol touch your tongue."

Instead of giving us information like "Raw/Rare foods can cause you to be very sick, so be careful when eating sushi and rare meats."
... they put forth the rule "Do ~not~ eat sushi! All meats should be cooked to well done!."

It's like they use scare tactics instead of telling women the truth. I have seen the craziest comments from my fellow pregnant girls. They COOK their lunchmeat to steaming. They are honestly scared if they accidentally had some beer battered onion rings. They cook their meats until burned.

Those things are simply not necessary. Look, I agree that I wouldn't eat sushi at a place I was unfamiliar with. I wouldn't eat lunchmeat I didn't know where it came from. I wouldn't order a rare steak at Denny's. But I eat lunchmeat I buy and I ~know~ is fresh. I eat hotdogs when I'm in control of their temperature. I eat rare steaks from high end steakhouses and at home. I eat raw fish sushi from the sushi place I've gone to for the past 12 years.

And guess what? I even drink alcohol on a special occassion!! Yes, it's true. I actually had a guinness last week when I visited my best friend to throw her a bridal shower. I don't drink everyday. Hell, I haven't even had a beer since I got my BFP. But I don't think drinking very rarely is a problem at all. In regards to fetal alcohol syndrome, they don't really know what the amount of alcohol is that can cause damage to the fetus. But I do know it's more than 2 or 3 drinks in a 9 month period. It's probably even more than a glass of wine everyday (like women in italy partake) but I'm not going to chance that. I would NEVER do something that I was unsure of in regards to harming my unborn child. And I know, without a doubt, that one cup of beer, every few months, to celebrate a special occassion, is FINE.

And like I said, it was only ONE cup.

I'm a little bit offended ...

so I'm going to simply vent about it here, where it's my personal domain and I can say what I want.

Infertility is a tough cookie to chew. I'd say that 90% of you reading this right now know that oh too well. Going over that first 12 months is hard, but going through treatment after treatment, each failing, is even harder.

No, no, no. I'm ~not~ going to compare IF. Each person's journey is hard in their own way. I'm simply saying that in my own experience, a treatment cycle failing was harder than my natural cycles.

Every now and again, you'll see the blessing of a bfp be bestown on someone who may have been going the treatment route, but the surprise comes to them naturally. Every IFer hopes for that natural bfp miracle. Show me anyone who goes through IVF and I'll show you someone who was disappointed their "hail mary cycle", the one immediately before their IVF cycle, didn't end in a BFP.

But many, many, many women do end up conceiving naturally. They get that bfp on a natural cycle before a big treatment cycle. Or the cycle or two after a failed treatment. You get my drift.

Of these very happy women, a very few of them will end up inadvertently offending me with things like "thank the heavens I didn't have to do that IUI!" or "I'm so glad I conceived naturally, because we all know it's best to not have treatment!"

Okay, I get what they are trying to say and what they are feeling. Hell yeah it's "better" to NOT have to take out a second mortgage to fund an IVF cycle. Yeah it's "better" to not have to conceive while you are in a bright clinic room - feet up in stirrups. And hell yeah I wish I would have conceived before going through anything I went through. I wish I didn't have 4 uterine surgeries. 3 medicated IUIs. 1 medicated mock IUI. 1 IVF. 1 FET. (and even though I said I wouldn't compare, I would like to point out that next to many others, what I went through was ~nothing~!!)

So yes, I get it. But hearing it still makes my IF hairs stand up on the back of my neck. I hear "natural is better" and I want to say "so my FET baby is inferior?". Even though I totally know that is ~not~ what the newly bestowed BFPer is trying to say. It's simply what I hear. And I wonder how many others hear that too.

quick question ...

I hate putting a post on top of a brand new post I just published, but wanted to ask a quick question ...

Are any of my blogger friends in Phoenix? We're having a "baby shower" themed party on Sept 7th and would love to invite you! It's not a true baby shower, but it's the reason a friend of mine is throwing a party when I'm there next. And if there was someone out there in bloggidy blog land who would like to meet me, what would be a better time? (and no, it's not to get more presents!)

Maybe I'm just a skeptic.

There are a lot of pregnancy related things I simply don't believe in.

Cravings is one of them. Well, silly cravings. I do think the body will crave something you ~need~, like if your baby is depleting your calcium supply, you may crave dairy. But when I hear about someone saying they crave captain crunch? Nah. I think captain crunch just sounded good and tasted good and since a pregnancy was involved, the idea of "craving" came in mind and whammo! "I crave captain crunch!". Really, I think it's all a bunch of boohooey.

Before I ever became pregnant, I believed everything I saw in the movies and television. I envisioned my husband running out to the grocery store at 2am to get me some ridiculous concoction of snacks. I believed you really couldn't lift anything. I believed it all. And then it happened to me; pregnancy that is. Instead of just conforming and acting as I thought I should, I let my body tell me the truth.

Sure, I was extra hungry at times and certain things sounded good. But having my husband go get something for me in the middle of the night? Bah. I continued to work out, even running a 10k quite pregnant. I didn't have my husband do all my lifting. I had him to the heavy lifting, but it was rare when I couldn't do it on my own. I didn't act like a fragile flower.

Maybe I should have. I mean, I didn't "milk it" like I see some other women do. I had a friend who would go grocery shopping and she'd load up her car, drive home and then waddle into the house and lay down and tell her husband to unload and put away because she couldn't do it simply because she was pregnant. Um, who the hell loaded up the cart and the car? Yeah. She did. I just never wanted to be that type of pregnant girl. I would lay off when I had to, but it just wasn't really that necessary to do anything different.

My strong attitude does end up screwing me every now and again. Since my husband knows "the truth" about pregnancy (ie: a normal pregnancy. A bed rest / high risk pregnancy is totally different), I'm not going to be able to get waited on hand and foot. My husband is awesome with me though, as he would probably do anything I ever asked, but it's not something I get to just expect. Although, I did get yelled at when he came home to find his 8+ month pregnant wife shoveling snow. But it wasn't because he was worried about me. His words were something like "What are the neighbors going to think about me if they see you shoveling?".

What got me thinking about all of this was the nesting instinct. Now, this is something I do believe in, but only in late pregnancy. When the baby is about to come, a mother tends to get everything clean and perfect in response to her body's pending delivery. But simply getting in a cleaning fit anytime before that? No, it's simply called cleaning. I'm sure everyone has gotten into a cleaning jag one time or another, right? So do they still call it nesting if you aren't pregnant? Nope. It's just one of those things.

I was in my own cleaning mood last night and today. Along with cleaning, I was also organizing drawers and closets. Things like that. Our friend stopped by and declared I was nesting. Nope, sorry. Just cleaning.

I don't know why these things bug me. Maybe it's because I watched myself go through pseudo-symptoms with every 2ww. I know how powerful the brain is and I know how we as humans like to make associations. If I eat something "weird" when I'm not pregnant, I'm told it's gross. But if I eat the same thing when pregnant, suddenly it's a cute "craving". ~shrug~.

Like I said in the title. Maybe I'm just a skeptic.

note about the 16w pic on the sidebar... what the hell is wrong with my stomach? It looks all weird. Not round, but creased looking. I'm going to take another picture later tonight when the second half comes home. I'll leave that one up until I get a better one. But what if my belly really looks all distorted like that? Ick!

updated. I had another picture taken and it looks pretty much the same as the one I didn't like. I'm definitely carrying different this time so far, but "carrying" isn't the right word, as the baby is only something like 4 1/2 inches long right now.

Well aren't you girls just the best?

You all gave me some very nice responses to something not to sweet yesterday. I really appreciated it.

I'm in a super goofy mood today. Which is quite strange because I started off on the wrong side of the bed. I thought today was going to drastically ~suck~, but it turned around on me by the time I got to work. I'm going to blog about my morning on my other blog in a few minutes.

Before I forget, I wanted to thank both Tori and Heavenlytini for nominating me for the Pink Rose Award! They both said the most beautiful things about me when they nominated me, it made me all warm and tingly inside.

I also wanted to thank Miss Kymberli for starting this award. On her blog you can go and look at all the recipients who has received them over the few months it's been out. The list is HUGE and it's so wonderful all of those bloggers were recognized. I haven't passed anything on lately (meme's, poll's, awards), but in Kymberli's honor of starting it, I will take this opportunity to do it.

To pass it on, I must first paste the RULES, but instead, I'm simply linking to them. The story behind the Pink Rose Award and the rules can be found there. (And to see a list of past recipients, you can find it here.)

My list of honorees are as follows. Many of the girls I would nominate have already gotten the award, so I'm going to pcik some girls who deserve it but haven't gotten it yet.:

Sarah R blogs at "Andrew Tales". Sarah isn't the most chatty blogger in the world (hint hint sarah!) and when she does get to blogging, it's about her adorable little man Andrew. It's not an IF blog and honestly, I don't even know what her backstory of conception was (wow, I just realized how much I don't know about her!), but Sarah is one of the greatest supporters of IF I have met. She was with me every step of the way, cheering me on and giving my virtual hugs when I needed it. When I read the story behind what the Pink Rose represented, Sarah is definitely the embodiment of it. I hope she does know what a beautiful person she is and how much her support is appreciated.

Katie blogs at Second Chance Miracle. We started off on the webmd ttc boards together back in October of 2006. Katie had already been ttc when I started, but we hit it off. Along with a few other girls, we started a private board where we could say what we wanted without the evil moderators deleting our comments. It was there we became even better friends. What's weird is we rarely comment on one another's blog, even though I'm sure we read each and every post (I know I do.) We talk on the phone often, so I guess we say everything we need to say there and the comments become a moot point. Katie is the one I call first after every RE appointment (after my husband of course). She's the one I bounced ttc ideas back and forth with. She's the one who calmed me down each time I was on a freakout trip on the rollercoaster. Even though I have a large support group in my local friends, Katie was the one who understood what I was going through and what I needed. I'll admit that I am the one who calls her, so this may all be one sided as she doesn't call me, but I'm thankful she picks up the phone each time it rings. I would of been a basket case with each of my rollercoaster rides if it wasn't for Katie. Thank you Katie. You personally have made my life better due to your support.

Alison blogs at (un)complicate me. I met her through the new group of The Braces Bunch and she supported me right through the gate. We're still new in getting to know one another, but we've done some pretty damn good bitching through email and comments. For someone to someone else upon first meeting them is a rarity and simply needs to be acknowledged. So thank you Alison! You rock.

Topcat blogs at indisputable topcat. Everyone should know her already, I almost feel silly "introducing" her. When I met her, she was already pregnant, waiting for her amnio results. I started reading some back posts from her and was drawn to how similar we were. Obviously I wanted to get to know her and posted a few comments. She returned the favor and now she's one of my favorite bloggers. She's gone through a lot of crud lately. The week she was going to deliver her new son, Monkey, she discovered her husband, Mr TC, had cancer. Plus, she has another son, Tiger, to care for. I couldn't imagine that happening to me. I would withdrawal from the world. But do you know what Miss Topcat did? She continued to offer support to other people, me included. She's got the best excuse in the world to be selfish and just take support, but Topcat's heart is so good she still gives. It amazes me to this day and I consider myself a lucky person just to have met her.

Lilith blogs at Crunchy Green Mom. I honestly don't know how I met Lilith, but I am so happy to have done so. She is a single mother of 6 children. Yes. Six. So obviously it's not an IF blog! She blogs about being single. Being a mom. She also blogs about giveaways, which I can never keep up with. What's best is she lives close to me and I really hope to meet her soon. Yay! But for the pink rose award, I nominate her for the support she can give to an IFer. Her support never felt "fake", like it seems with many fertiles out there. Not that any of the fertiles I know are trying to be fake, but without going through it, it's hard for them to relate. Lilith is a great new addition to my bloggy friends and I can't wait to hang out with her.

Damn. There are SO many other women I want to give this to. Tory and Tini who gave it to me, Pam, Io, Jenn, Jen, Mel, Cate, Elana, Sugar & Ice, Geohde, Kymberli, Soapchick, Duck, Mrs Spock, Sara, Lori, Kaci, Carrie, Joe, Bleu, MrsLady1975, Shea, G, Morgan, Aggie, Karyn, Scarlet, Amy, Beth, Wendy, Wishing ..., Shinejil, Quincy, Mommyof2boys, Lee, Kim, kjb, waitinginline, not in the water, denise, valerie, Jennifer, Chel, Deb, Liz, Antigone, Tammy, Julie, Monica, Kate, Katherine, Brandi, MMJ, Fuentes, Jenera, Ally, DocGrumbles, Jaime, Jayme, Shayna, Lilah, WaitingForBabyK, Bree, Searching, Motel Manager, Krista, ArtBlog, Tara, Brianna, Nic, and omg, the list keeps going on and on! I couldn't begin to really come up with a list of everyone I'm thankful for. If you happened to be looking for your name and didn't see it, it was simply an oversight, as I am thankful for each and every person who has EVER commented to me in support.

A whole bunch of randomness.

I've got a tad of a break and I wanted to catch up. There is a lot, so I'll just go for it.

~ The last post wasn't really a question, although looking at it as someone who didn't know what I was saying, I see how it looked definitely like a question. It's just lyrics from a dcfc song that makes me cry everytime.

~ Pam's question: In what moment of your life did you make a decision that you knew would change your life forever? Did It? Did you ever regret the decision?. ---> I gave this quite a bit of thought. And while I had many life changing decisions (marriage, babies, etc) I seem to keep going back to the day I decided to quit using heroin. I had "quit" multiple times before, but it was always because I knew it was what I should do, not what I wanted to do. I had too many close calls with death, as I had OD'd multiple times. I would literally wake up in an ambulance with no recollection of anything. But always kept using. I lost my entire life trying to be a fucking rockstar. But then there was a time I OD'd at my parent's house. They heard me fall in the bathtub and had to knock down the door and found my lifeless body, blue, no heartbeat, underwater. Shit like that has happened before, but never in front of my parents. When my mother came to pick me up from the hospital, I saw it in her eyes. I wasn't just killing myself, I was killing her too. I picked up and moved to colorado, not telling anyone except my best friend Ryan, who wasn't very happy with the way I was living anywho. I went through a hard detox period, with my brother sticking me in detox center to kick it cold turkey. So yes. I'll say that moment of looking into my mother's eyes was the decision you were asking about.

A little note about the above paragraph. This was a ~long~ time ago. Way over a decade has passed. I'm not one for blocking out anything of my past, for it's made me who I am today. But what sucks is people will still judge you on bad decisions made eons ago. Please don't be that person.

~ Not in the Water asked: "How do you decide what tattoo to get?". Kaci also asked for me to tell the stories behind my tattoos. ---> I wish I had some deep stories to tell. But my tattoos are really just a hodge podge of art I really like. I would like to say nothing is from a book or a wall. All was just my ideas and the artist's hands. All have been drawn freehand with a change here or there from me. Oh - and nothing is ever decided on day of tattoo. I think about my next tattoo for quite awhile before getting it. Wow, what a boring story.

~ Sara asked: "If you could meet any famous person in history, who would it be?" ---> Kurt Cobain.

~ Denise asked me what the origin of punk was. But I can't answer that. I can tell her what my origin of punk was. And that was Big Black.

~ Jennifer asked "What do people think about gender selection?" ---> My husband really wanted a boy, since we have 2 girls, and I asked him about the aspect of gender selection. He said an emphatic "no". Which I was happy for, because I also believe it's messing with nature a little too much. But, if someone else wants to do it, well, it's their business. If the whole world started to do it there would definitely be some consequences, but until that happens, it's a "no" for me and I'll consider myself pro-choice on the topic.

~ Motel Manager asked "since you have two kids close in age, do you have any advice to offer?" ---> My girls were 15 months apart and I'll tell you, it was absolutely the hardest thing I've ever done. Ever. So my advice is take all what expect the life of a newborn to be from your first pregnancy and throw that out the window. Having a small toddler AND a newborn? Totally new territory. If you have daycare, keep the toddler in daycare for at least the first 8 weeks. Other than that, just know it won't last forever. It got way better after the toddler was 20 months old, so many you won't have to deal with much at all. Good luck!!

~ Anon asked an algebra question. It sucks to really show my work with fractions, but the answer is -2(a^2+7.5a+5.5) / (a-5)(a-4)(a+3).

~ Glenn asked me his age old question of "circles of equal angles". Bah I say. Bah!

~ Jamie asked "how about divorce? where do you stand and what would be grounds for divorce for you?" ---> I think divorce would be a necessary answer to infidelity and abuse. I would see it would be okay for other lesser reasons too, something as easy as "not being happy". But, and this is a huge BUT here, I think too many people give up too easily. Marriage is hard and isn't always fun and happy. So before divorce is thought of as an answer, it should be worked on and thought about. I do think the aspect of divorce has helped many men and women to find true happiness, something they wouldn't of found when divorce wasn't popular. But then again, I think people also need to try to stick it out and see if it gets better before giving up. It definitely is a double edged sword.

~ Sarah R asked "How excited is your family about this new baby coming? Have you thought of any names yet, and if so, are you sharing them? " ---> Very excited. As for names? My husband approached me and asked if we could name the baby "Karl". It made me burst into tears, as my very best friend's name was Karl. He passed away unexpectedly 4 years ago. We don't know if that will be a first or middle name, but definitely on the top of our list.

Love is watching someone die.

So who's going to watch you die?

I'm sinking.

Too. Much. Work. Stop.

No. Time. To. Update. Blog. Stop.

Will. Update. When. I. Can. Stop.

Welcome home! (updated w/ picture link)

I'm home. I was greeted with smiles and roses and kisses. A homecoming can't be better than that.

It was a nice trip, but as always, it's nice to be home. Plus, knowing I am flying back to Phoenix in 4 weeks made it much easier to leave. Usually, I feel a bit of sadness during takeoff, but not this time. Plus, each time I leave gets easier and easier, as Phoenix is feeling less and less like my home. I never thought I'd feel this way, but Colorado is definitely feeling like "home", not just the place I'm living.

I'm going to get back into the swing of things at home and work and then I'm going to work on all your questions/topics you left for me last week. Tomorrow's post should be a hodgepodge of topics, but it should be very interesting.

----

I updated an out of schedule belly picture on my belly picture page. (Not the comparison page that can be found via the picture on the sidebar.) I feel way bigger this week but the picture difference from last week doesn't really show much. Maybe I'm just insane.

It's hot.

I'm in phoenix, visiting my best friend for her bridal shower. I'll be coming down at the end of the month for her wedding, but for now, it's quite a relaxing weekend of seeing friends.

But damn. It's hot. Now, I lived in phoenix for a majority of my life and I know what this heat is like. But over the last 11 years in colorado, I've become quite unaccustomed to the relentless heat that is august in phoenix. Yesterday's ~low~ was 96. That's ridiculous.

I've been hanging out and seeing a lot of friends. And everyone is enthralled with the baby belly. I'm wearing little tiny tank tops here, so there is NO hiding it. I'm poking out quite well at 15 weeks.

Last night, we went to one of my favorite bars from back in the day - Casey Moore's. Still quite the hip place too - packed, like normal. I was bumming watching everyone drink their guinness and ciders. But I did partake a teensy little bit and stole a few sips. Funny thing was these two girls at another table saw me and they started hating on me. All staring and pointing and rolling their eyes. On one of their stares I met their with my own and asked if they had anything to say. They got scared and moved tables. That's right - run away from the pregnant chick. wouldn't that be awesome? Watching a pregnant girl fight two dumb girls? heh.

The bridal shower is finally on today's agenda, so I'm off to get ready. I'm not reading anyone's blog, so I feel definitely out of the loop. I'll check back on all of you next week!

I was all locked up!

I came on last night to update you all, but it looks like my blog was flagged to be a "spam blog" and Blogger locked me! Annoying, yes, but heck, this ~is~ a free blogging site, so what can I really complain about?

But it looks as if in the last 5 minutes, things have been cleared up and all is cool. I was actually locked up until 3 minutes ago when I tried to update my last post and all I could do was safe it to draft. I was prompted for a word verification when I tried to save to draft and then it all worked perfectly. ~shrug~. But I'm happy I can post again.

Unfortunately, I've just been told it's my time to take my shower, so I'm off. I'll come back later.