Thursday, August 28, 2008

Second question for any IFer (or loss)

Girls, I'm so sorry. You have all had things said to you which was so very terrible.

The reason I posed the last question was just to see what kinds of comments we were all getting. I assume most of the "they meant well" comments were the same, but in asking for the ~worst~ comments, we really saw how people simply do not understand the world of infertility and loss. It just shows how much there is to share with the world on this topic.

Some of you mentioned the emotional reaction you had. So here is the question I pose today:

1. What was the reaction you had then?
2. What would be your reaction today if it happened again?


Io said...

I tend to go into myself and not say anything so I won't start crying. There are certain things that now that I am feeling empowered by my bloggy buddies I would probably talk back to. I know most people don't mean to be hurtful.

~*JaYmE*~ said...

I was shocked & didnt say anything. Now... I think I would tell her to fuck off and she needs to stop rubbing her fertility in my face or get the hell away from me for good. I have a lot of built up rage against this girl!

Tigger said...

Well...I used to respond in anger and hurt. I've now decided that the world is full of idiots who don't think before they speak and thus they are not worth the energy to let them get to me. Chances are they did not MEAN to hurt me, although they did, and if I think hard I can remember what life was like before IF. I probably gave a lot of the well-meaning advise, without knowing how it would hurt either.

These days, too, I tend to be very matter-of-fact. If you're going to tell me I should have children, I'll tell you i've been trying. If you tell me to relax, I WILL tell you that relaxing is not going to change the shape of my husband's funky sperm. That usually makes them shut the hell up!

My sister, well...I didn't respond the way I wish I had and I haven't spoken to her about it since. My friend, we spoke at length about it later and are now at a much better understanding I think.

Geohde said...

I think the main difference now is that I understand that loss makes people feel awkward and they often say dumb sh!t. So I'd probably openly bring up that it's a tough topic to tackle, but 'It'll be alright next time' is not the best response.


Jenera said...

When it actually happened for me, I just looked at her in shock. The hubby shot her a dirty look and changed the subject.

If it was to happen again, I'd stand up to her, or any other person, and tell them to shove up it up their ass regardless of their intent behind the comment.

Not in the Water said...

My worst moment was mom backing out on PIO shots b/c against the religion....b/c she had to answer to God...

1st time...I left work, started crying...called my sister and she said she would give them to me and screw mom.

Now if she pulled this again for a 2nd time...(Which she can't be she gave me 2 shots when DH chickened out) but if she did again, I really think I would give her a big screw you and not talk to her (and I am GOOD at that!!) and also cry.

BUT if she did it now and never had done it before I would be crushed all over again.


Sara said...

Well, at the time I just looked at the person. I don't even remember if I said anything. And then I went to the bathroom and cried. It had only been 2 months since Samuel died.

If that same situation happened now, I would say something. I am so much stronger now than I was months ago. If someone said to me "Oh, you are lucky he died so soon after birth", I would most likely say something along the lines of "Are you fucking kidding me?".

Like I said, I am a lot stronger now. I don't bite my tongue much.

Ally said...

I felt like no one would ever understand and then I felt selfish like maybe I shouldn't be so intent on having a biological child.

If she said that to me now I would probably tune it out and just walk away. I've decided I'm not trying to justify my opinions to people that won't understand.

Probably not the best idea.

Sabrina said...

I got pissed and went off on her. I'd read something not long before the comment was made about etiquette in regards to infertility and I think it helped me respond.

If someone said something similar now, I'd react the same way. I have no problems telling someone where to shove their insensitive comments.

Nikki said...

My reaction to my friend to told me I was lucky I didn't have kids was "Grass always seems greener on the other side". Now I make sure she reads my blog and since she has started reading it, she calls me and apologizes for being so ignorant.

People that say I have a good marriage and I should be thankful for that : I have asked "What if I want to have a baby BECAUSE of that good marriage?" (OK I asked one person that - on the other occasions I just smiled and changed the topic. But the one time that I said that, I got no response. Now, I would probably ask the same question in response.

Brianna said...

When MIL said that she hoped DH's varicocele repair failed b/c she wanted us to do IVF and pick the sex, my blood boiled. I was about to open my mouth but DH saw the rage in my face and interrupted and told MIL that we just want to be parents to a healthy baby, boy or girl. I was still about to say something and then FIL chimed in and said that whether we have a boy, a girl, or a parakeet, he'll be happy as long as we're happy. I thought it was nice of him to lighten the mood and just blew it off. Now I wish I'd said something though b/c everytime I see her I get angry remembering it.

As for the phonecall the night before DH's surgery, I wasn't on the phone, I could just hear her and said really loud, "what the fuck is her problem?!" I could hear her ask DH what I said and he said, "she says she loves you." Agghhh!

I've kind of promised myself that the next time she runs her mouth I'm going to put her in her place.

Jewels said...

Shock and confusion at first, I didn’t want to feel anger toward my 80 year old grandmother (good lord - she doesn’t know better right?) but I find that I do tell many other people out of my hurt that their words hurt me, and I have fantasized if my grandmother were to bring it up again in that context, I would have to remind her that Not One Child in our family had their first child (and some all their kids) while married. that Marriage is not what will save a baby and not being married is NOT what killed my baby. But I actually try to avoid any conversation with her about it because I feel its tacky to be angry at my little old granny and take action against it. She's old fashioned, I have to remember that, and yes - she meant well. Takes me back to the saying "would you rather be right or would you rather be happy?" In this case, I just want to enjoy what I have left of my grandma. (sorry so long)

Anonymous said...

When it was said to me I just looked at her with a mouth full of teeth and left the room... she immediately ran after me and said she did not mean it that way but the damage was done...I walked away from her trying to hold back the tears.

Now I probably would tell her how hurtful she was and that being me, even being infertile me is not such a bad thing - in fact it is a bloody good thing!

Tammy said...

Well, at the time it pretty much ruined a friendship. I was very angry and felt that I needed to justify myself to another person and that is just wrong. It was other things on top of the IF comment but it didn't matter, that was the heart of it.

Now, I would probably tell her she is short-sighted and close-minded and that we need not drag out the death of the friendship for months, I would have ended it right there.

Anonymous said...

When my mom asked why I would put myself through IVF, since the baby wouldn't be mine (donor egg). I think I was too shocked to say anything at all, If I could go back and do it again, I would want to stand up for myself-and my maybe someday baby.

I try to understand that people really don't know what they will be willing or unwilling to do unless put in a certain situation, and when it comes to infertility most people really are clueless!

Another example of the worst thing someone said didn't happen to me, but to my husband. When he told his boss we have to do IVF, his boss said, "haha" "that sucks for you". and the proceeded to go outside and play with his son-after that I really don't think my husband will be working with him much longer.

Sorry I got so longwinded!

Anonymous said...

When someone asks how come we don't have kids yet, I simply tell them "Well, I guess you're not praying hard enough"

Jendeis said...

Felt as if I had been slapped. Slowly inhaled and quietly replied, "Well, you and your husband seemed to get pregnant quite easily with your two kids. Maybe you would feel differently if you were dealing with infertility."

Her reply, "Yeah, maybe, but anyone who does fertility treatments is a horrible person who shouldn't have kids."

And then she ran into my knife. She ran into my knife 10 times. (j/k).

Cate said...

I just didn't say anything, but when I got home I started crying.

Now would probably be the same reaction.

Carrie Ann said...

To my MIL who told me it was a blessing I had a miscarriage because I wouldn't want a deformed baby, I was just quiet. I was pissed off but also know that she herself never experienced a miscarriage and has no clue what it feels like.

To my friends and family who always told me to 'relax and it will happen" I just ignored them but after a few months I got sick of it and would nicely explain that I am tired of hearing that, etc.

To my girlfriend who said that secondary infertility isn't such a big deal for me because i already have a child - I corrected her as nicely as I could. She never went through it, and has no clue what it feels like.

People are just dumb sometimes when they don't know what to say.

Amanda said...

When I received my "for the best" comment I'm pretty sure that I told her that I was anxious because I knew something was wrong, but I remember how crushed I was by the comment. Even now, some of the comments that people said to me after my loss are just painful.

I can't even imagine how I'd feel if someone gave me the same remark at this point in time. As early as my loss was, it's still a loss to me and still something that I mourn, just not like I was back then. I'm in a completely different place, but I still feel that sense of loss.

I've learned that when dealing with something that people just don't understand (IF, loss, etc) some people get really really stupid. But it's still no excuse for what they say.

heavenlytini said...

my first reaction was i wanted to slap my own father for saying such a stupid thing to me!!! but i was just like no God does want me to have a baby and haven't talked about it with him since.

if someone said that again to me i think, wait i know, i'd flip the fuck out!!! no kidding they'd be sorry they said it to me.