I'm conducting a little poll here ...
What was ~the worst~ thing ever said to you regarding your infertility? I'll keep the subject broad, so it can be about ttc, not conceiving, loss, anything. But just leave it to one comment.
I'll start it off in the first comment.
... Once (and still) Infertile, but still Schnarky as hell. This blog is dedicated to the daily ramblings from the mind of Nancy. It isn't about anything profound in the grand scheme of things, but it ~is~ about things in my life, schnarkiness always included. I have a second blog, listed in my profile, but the blogs will continue to remain separate.
"I'm aiming for heaven, but I'll probably wind up down in hell"
About Me
- nancy
- I am a 39 year old woman. I am the mother of two beautiful daughters and a handsome son. I am a career woman. As for my TTC world, it certainly doesn't seem like I am "infertile", but I fought for my pregnancies and my TTC/IF history is on the sidebar. I have two blogs, which are both listed in my profile. One focuses on my daily life - including IF, TTC, pregnancy, delivery and even some "children mentioned" posts. The second blog is ~soley~ posts directly about being the mother to my three children.
Belly Pics for #3 only.
Click stick figure to see the consecutive pictures from this pregnancy only.
My TTC History
- Jul 01 ~ married
- Jan 02 ~ First cycle off bcps and opk shows ovulation!
- Dec 02 ~ Went to pcp for RE referral
- Jan 03 ~ Testing commences. S/A perfect. HSG clear.
- Feb 03 ~ Lap #1. All clear.
- Apr 03 ~ Clomid cycle #1. BFN.
- May 03 ~ Clomid cycle #2. BFN.
- Jun 03 ~ Clomid cycle #3. BFN.
- Jul 03 ~ Supposed to be IUI#1, but we missed cd3 so natural cycle
- Aug 03 ~ BFP on C18.
- Apr 04 ~ Ella born.
- Oct 04 ~ decided to ttc #2 and went off minipill to see if I am ovulating. I am. Will start next month.
- Nov 04 ~ TTC#2 starts. BFP. Holy Crap. No freaking way. No way.
- Aug 05 ~ Allison born
- Oct 06 ~ IUD removed. TTC#3
- Jan 07 ~ Large cysts found.
- Feb 07 ~ Femara cyle #1
- Mar 07 ~ Started w/ RE. HSG #2 showed R tube blocked. S/A normal.
- Mar 07 ~ more cysts, up to 9cms.
- Apr 07 ~ more cysts, 3 @ 7-9cms.
- May 07 ~ IUI #1 cancelled due to more cysts
- Jun 07 ~ IUI #1 (take two) w/ Clomid. BFN.
- Jul 07 ~ HSS showed scar tissue in 70% of uterus. Diagnosed with Asherman's Syndrome. Uterine surgery #2
- Aug 07 ~ HSG #3 showed clear tubes.
- Aug 07 ~ IUI #2 w/ Femara. BFN.
- Sept 07 ~ Monitored w/ hCG trigger. BFN.
- Oct 07 ~ HSS #2 showed scar tissue in 30% of uterus. Uterine surgery #3.
- Dec 07 ~ HSS #3 showed tiny amount of scar tissue. Uterine surgery #4.
- Jan 08 ~ HSS #4 showed clear uterus.
- Jan 08 ~ IUI #3, C16. BFN.
- Mar 08 ~ IVF #1, Transfer Cancelled due to lining. Out of 15 eggs, 9 were mature and all 9 fertilized. I have named my 9 embryos "The Mod Squad" and they are in the freezer, waiting for mommy to be ready.
- Apr/May 08 ~ FET #1. C20. 4 embryos "The Fab Four" transferred on 5/05. BFP!!! Very Low Beta (15 at 11dp3dt) but the numers continued to double every 48 hours. Told it was "most likely not viable" and later "most likely ectopic" but we beat all the odds.
- May 16, 08 ~ 11dp3dt (4w0d), beta #1: 15
- May 19, 08 ~ 14dp3dt (4w3d), beta #2: 43
- May 23, 08 ~ 18dp3dt (5w0d), beta#3: 213
- May 27, 22dp3dt (5w4d), beta #4: 1,073
- Jun 08 - Ultrasound showed one heartbeat at 7 weeks.
- Jul 08 - Had CVS testing. Chromosomes are normal and it's a BOY!! EDD: 1/23
- Aug 08 - Jan 09 ~ High risk due to: 1) Velamentous Cord Insertion, deemed biggest risk 2) Previous Placenta Accreta 3) Previous rapid degraged placenta 4) IVF alone can create weak placenta 5) AMA - Advanced Maternal Age. -- All resulting in almost 30 u/s and lots of testing, which ended up saving my life.
- Jan 09 (38w0d) ~ Karl is born! -- Crazy 3 days in hospital. Manual version to flip baby from breech to head down, Labor, Delivery, Emergency surgery due to cord detaching from placenta, Scary heart issues from losing over 40% of my blood supply, and then a blood transfusion due to the extreme loss of blood. Whew!
Blog Archive
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2008
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August
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- Ahhhh. There's nothing better
- Why do I have to work?
- Second question for any IFer (or loss)
- A question for any IFer ...
- A bit more on the last topic.
- What a bitch.
- oh yeah...
- The Good, the Bad and the Cute.
- Tomorrow is a big day.
- I get way too distracted.
- Today is Friday. Crap.
- "Have you ever watched yourself ..."
- Weight.
- Controversy is stewing ...
- A Terrible Loss.
- I'll give you $5
- Survival Rate by Gesational Age.
- Happy Birthday Goose.
- It's cold.
- Thank you!
- Whoa.
- Mind numbing Thursday.
- Rape isn't anything to be ashamed of.
- A note to the previous post...
- Co sleeping and baby suffocation.
- Okay, I'll do a meme.
- Please kick your mommy.
- What's with all these rules?
- I'm a little bit offended ...
- quick question ...
- Maybe I'm just a skeptic.
- Well aren't you girls just the best?
- A whole bunch of randomness.
- Love is watching someone die.
- I'm sinking.
- Welcome home! (updated w/ picture link)
- It's hot.
- I was all locked up!
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August
(38)
74 comments:
When ttc#1, I mentioned that I was ttc to a girl at work. She said "Don't get too excited when you do finally conceive because since you were on birth control pills previously, the baby will most likely die."
I've had worse things said to me by anonymous people who only breed hate, but the above statement was said to my face so nonchalantly. I was dumbfounded.
While at the RE, a nurse was on the phone with her child -the child wanted mommy to be at home and di not understand that she needed to work. After a few minutes of me standing there listening to her try to explain it, she told the child she had to go. Then, the nurse turned to me and said "are you sure you want kids?"
I politely smiled but thought...Really? Would I be here if I didn't? Come on lady!!!
My sister said "Maybe God doesn't want you to have kids." Honestly, coming from a stranger, it wouldn't have bothered me that much. But from my sister really hurt.
this was said by my own father... "maybe God doesn't want you to have a baby, maybe you should adopt." this was said before my first try of meds. he lost hope before i even started.
I've not been through IF but I will tell you the worst comment I received after my miscarriage last year was from a SIL. On the very day the loss was confirmed, she said in all her stupid glory, "Who cares? I went through one and it's not painful in any way." I didn't know who wanted to hit her more, me or the hubby.
delurking to participate...
my mother has said a few gems, but her first awful comment still really stings when i think about it.
upon telling her for the first time 2 years ago that we were having trouble TTC and might start looking into adoption:
"well, i hope for your sake that you have your own children because there is nothing else like it in the world."
can you imagine saying that to your daughter after she tells you she might not be able to bear children? i'm clearly still not over it.
All the worst stuff came from my mother, including the one Sabrina got from her sister. But the most unexpected came when we began seriously considering adoption after our 2nd failed IVF and, on discussing the fees involved, mom said, "I didn't know you were willing to BUY a baby." FYI-- we were talking about ~$16K total. It's a lot of money, but we had already spent $30K on TTC.
i couldn't decide between 2--from the same person, a friend who knew what we'd been going through--ttc #1 for 18 mos.
First, 'you might as well adopt. pregnancy isn't all that great.' (she was pregnant when she said this to me.)
and later when we'd just had a sleepless night with our 4 mos. old miracle and were talking (okay, fine, complaining) about how tired we were.
'well, just remember how badly you said you wanted him.'
I have a "friend" that got pregnant on her 1st try. She tells me all the time how fertile she is when I talk to her about my treatments and stuff. She actually said to me & my husband "maybe if we dance some of my fertility will rub off on Jake". Said at a wedding her husband couldnt make. Grrrrrr. How stupid.
For some reason, the one that brought me to tears was from my father-in-law (who I love). When we told him that we were ttc through this unconventional route he said, "Oh, I am so happy. Having children is the true expression of one's love for each other."
And it that one sentence it felt like he completely dismissed the love and devotion my husband and I have had for each since the day we met 10 years ago, belittled the HARD decisions one has to make to even get to the point of trying to use ART, nevermind that financial, emotional, et. al strain. It was like, oh, great, kids, I'm so glad you finally decided to get serious.
And I started to cry. And hubby got angry. And he had no clue what he had said to get either reaction.
Kind of like when my mom said to me, "well, since you aren't getting married in a church, if things don't work out..." The unsaid being, if things don't work out, it doesn't really "count". No harm no foul.
Why don't some people have that little mechanism that tells you that what you're thinking shouldn't necessarily come out of your mouth?
i can't say it was the worst, but i think every single man who knew we were trying told me they would "knock me up." and they were serious. like it would have been for charity or something. um, no thanks. BLEH!!!!
I got a great comment from my mom of all people.....
"well you know...some people just aren't cut out to be parents"
Coming from my mom and someone that was going through fertility treatments to have my sister, it killed me.
No...I just feel like injecting myself and having numerous dates with the "love wand" for the shits and giggles!!!!
This was said by two different people...
As soon as I got my "spiritual" life in order (um... in their minds become a holy roller) God would not bless us with a child.
To my face by a 'friend' and a family member. So I guess mine is sorta like Sabrina's.
BTW, that girl needs her head checked.
It's such a common comment -- but I can't tell you how much I hate it -- there are variations on it -- either a) just relax and it'll happen b)just file adoption papers and it will happen c)stop worrying so much and it will happen...
I feel like strangling the next person who says it to me.
Four years people -- no amount of 'relaxing' is going to do it.
*sigh*
Pam
Oh my just one Nancy....I guess I'll use the one my MOM said the other day. She just can't seem to understand what I'm going through. She claims she does b/c it took her a couple months TTC my brother.....its nothing compared to my 4 yrs TTC and nothing to show for it but medical bills.
My mother made the following statement after I was complaining about my DH not wanting to spend $$ on another failed IUI b/c there is not a gaurantee that it will work. So I was ~about~ to ask her if she would fund my next IUI (only $250) b/c she said a month back "thats all it costs?!?"
"I can't believe that you are wasting all of this $$ TTC, really, you should take this as a sign that you aren't meant to have children and deal with it"
I was working Labor and Delivery, and all my coworkers knew we were having problems and that I was upset about it. Once, while chatting in the break room, one of the girls said, "You can never really sympathize with the pain your patients are going through because you've never had children."
It was probably when DH's grandpa brought the lack of a baby despite a year of trying at Christmas in front of the entire family. When I told him it that having a baby isn't so easy, he said "oh, is Jeramy shooting blanks?".
I'll also tell one for friends of mine who just started treatment after 5 years of trying on their own. At a party, another friend said to the husband "if you would just get your wife pregnant then you wouldn't have to spend all that money at the fertility clinic". Hello! It's not as if he hasn't been trying that already!
One of my best friends told me that maybe all of the years of failed attempts was God's way of letting me know I was not meant to be a mother "this way". She then went into a prepared speech about how I should just see my Grandmother as my baby.
I have also been told my numerous nurses that maybe if I just had a husband I would have an easier time of getting pregnant.
Hmmm... well I guess the worst I have ever had was by a friend while rubbing her heavily pregnant tummy:
"Thank God I'm not infertile like *you*..."
It still stings a bit when I think of it...
I have two (hope that's OK)
After my first loss (a ruptured ectopic that nearly cost my life), the first thing my sister said was "so, are you going to stop drinking now?" (mind you, I was in my late 20's and my SO and I went out once a week for 2-3 cocktails...the rest of my family just didn't drink at all). As if those of us with losses don't feel guilty enough!!
Then, seven years later, when my losses hit double-digits (>10), and doctors said I could never conceive, I begged my best friend who lived in Korea to help with the adoption of a baby girl from Korea. She refused, and actually said "this (referring to my IF)means you should not have kids. You're lucky, if I had to do it again, I don't think I would have any" (She has a lovely daughter, who recently gave birth to a son - who is now the light of my friend's life!! I wonder how she'd answer that question today.)
From a patient, "It's probably for the best. You were so anxious!"
I explained that my anxiety was due to diminishing symptoms and weak HPTs. And she only saw me anxious on the DAY I began miscarrying (this was at least a week before it was diagnosed as ectopic).
I think the worst thing was either the ol' gem from a male friend about "Oh, I'll get you knocked up." Ick. Yuck. Creepy. I can't remember which friend now. I think I've blocked that from my mind.
Or maybe it was the doctor who declared that my ovaries didn't work after running zero tests. That was a real zinger, too.
Sigh. So much stupidity, so little sympathy...
A friend of mine, who doesn't really know the extent of our situation but really should have been more tactful in general, made a comment last summer that stung. She and her husband have four kids...she and her husband have also been separated multiple times, dated other people during their breaks, and he wasn't even there for the birth of their third child b/c of one of their breaks. Anyway, she said, "I always figured C and I have to be soul mates since we get pregnant so easily together." As if getting pregnant easily equates to being soul mates...not that I even believe in soul mates...but it was still a stupid thing to say.
My mom said to me last week after we found out we'd have to do IVF w/ Donor Eggs.
" Why would you put yourself through all that since the baby won't be yours anyways?"
That my infertility was probably the result of my being a slut--sleeping around for too long with too many guys...and God's punishment for my behavior...TOTAL bullshit.
I'm sorry. I have to add one that I just remembered. It brought me to tears in 60 seconds flat-- just enough time to get away from the bitch who said it. After a little over a year of IUIs: "Well I got pregnant at home on the first try, so if you need someone to tell you how to do it..." If someone said that to me now, I wouldn't try to get away. I would slap her across the face.
I would say the worst comment said to me isn't that bad, but just hurtful after going through IF. And that is about "just relax" or "you are young, it will happen". People just don't understand how desperate we are and relax doesn't even fit into our vocabulary. I also had 2 people try to convince me that I didn't have a miscarriage b/c it happened so early in the pregnancy, and that was pretty painful for someone to try to take that event away from me (not that I want it, but it happened, and I needed to be able to grieve over it).
Wow ladies... some seriously bad stuff here. Here's mine - we did ivf, started with twins, and lost one at 10 weeks. So I went through a month of carrying my two children, and we had just started telling people when we found out we lost one, and my parents told people we were having twins. Then they neglected to tell people we lost one. So every single one of those people would say "congrats on the twins." For most I would say "we lost one and are depressed, but happy about the healthy baby." They would say "I'm sorry." But a few people (my grandmother, and a couple of co-workers) said
"Thank God! I bet you are so relieved! Twins would be too much for you."
And that really hurt. To me, it was still a loss of a child. Now I'm 19 weeks with the pregnancy and doing well.
My mom, of all people, said in a conversation that me, her and one of her sisters were having about when people have children, specifically having them before getting married (we weren't judging, just talking about those we knew who had, versus my cousin who had just got married and they weren't pregnant at time of wedding).
Anyway, my mom pops off and says that she bets I wish I had gotten pregnant way back when before I actually got married! That not only pissed me off, but just made me realize that she is clueless. Clueless about who I am and clueless about my feelings.
It also helped me realize that even now that I'm 37, I really don't have a very close relationship with her and probably never will.
After my partner had completed her portion of our "you carry the first, I'll carry the second" plan, she said to me, "You know, I think I only want one."
I was stunned, but told her that I was not going to negotiate. I've always planned to be pregnant, and if she only wanted one she should have damn well let me go first.
She's come around, and is actively helping me pursue the dream now (with a bit of griping at times), but I can't forget that she was willing to yank the rug out from under me so... cavalierly.
So yeah, that's the worst thing.
I have a friend with a two year old. She has told me time and again how lucky we are to not have to deal with a baby, and to enjoy our time alone...
From SIL (when she knew we were TTC for at least 6 months, but did not know of the IF diagnosis): Anyone who does fertility treatments is horrible and should just stop. You're obviously not supposed to have kids. You should just adopt.
I was visiting a friend, P, out of state, and we went to the mall with a friend of hers, A, and that friend's baby. During the outing, P asked me about having kids. I said we were about to start on our first IVF, and P said she was worried she'd face infertility, too, because she had irregular cycles or similar. Well, instead of sympathizing or just remaining quiet, A said, "Oh, well, I was SO LUCKY never to have gotten pregnant accidentally, since it happened the first time we tried. It was, like, immediate!"
Since A was P's friend and not mine, I didn't feel as if I could say anything. P didn't know what to say, either, but later she told me that she had been mortified.
If I could do it all over again, I might just calmly say something like, "I'm sure you're just making conversation, but that's a really hurtful thing to say to someone who's infertile." I mean, really, would you tell a diabetic about how awesome your pancreas is and how much sugar you can eat? Sheesh. It still annoys me.
After discussing our Christian faith and then my IF issues, this lady I worked with told me that IF was wrong and "God don't need yo help" Wow thanks for the pep talk!!!
Oh and I also have a friend (with a 3 year old)that has said on numerous occasions how she wished she could trade places with me and not have to worry about babysitters and just go anytime she wanted. I had to put a stop to it the last time she said it.
Toss up between my mom discouraging us from trying, saying maybe we should adopt and between "fertile myrtles" at work. One "accidently" got pregnant young and now is on birth controls, but prides herself in how fertile she is.
I've gotten a few comments that really hurt. The usual one "if you just relax it can happen". That one was by my aunt and it really hurt because I'd just had an HSG which showed my tube (I only have one) was open.
The other was by my MIL. I know she means well but I doubt she would say this to her daughter who has been trying for 5 years (I don't think she's done any treatments).
"IVF is so expensive. You should just use that money and adopt a girl from China, at least that would be a sure thing."
People that haven't been through it don't truly, truly understand. I'm only at the beginning of the journey and I'm almost burned out already.
One of my grandma's friends found out we were doing IVF and said "If you aren't concieving naturally, maybe God doesn't think you are able to take care of a baby."...like a dig at me because I am disabled.
I think the most insensitive was the ultrasound tech when I went in because of heavy bleeding in my 14th week. She asked me, "Are you sure you were pregnant?" I had miscarried at home (serious contractions & heavy bleeding) and that was a really lousy way to find out it was over.
"You're married over 4 years? No kids yet?"
WHen I miscarried....
"You wouldn't want that baby anyway. There was probably something wrong with it. Wait for your healthy baby"..
The only thing that is appropriate to say is, "I'm sorry.".
Only one?
We're doing dIUIs with a known donor after failed IVF cycles. We let our families know what we were trying because we need as much support as we can get, and they're nosy and would find out anyways so best to hear it from us. I was talking on the phone with my dear, sweet, loving aunt and she asked in a really disgusted, snotty voice, You're not thinking about doing that thing with [donor] still, are you?
Ouch.
I love you blog... sorry I've never commented before!
Leslee
babyattheend.blogspot.com
Wow, what horrible things for people to say. I was not an IFer, however since meeting you I have come to realize so many things about it I never knew.
I am now so careful about what I say and how I approach the situation.
Thank you for being in my life to teach me this!
*hugs*
My current supervisior: "You are too old...what the heck do you want more kids for anyway. Just enjoy life like I do."
My MIL: "Well, why don't you just adopt...that is what I did. I don't know why you are doing this anyway, you already have your son." then in the next breath "Why don't I have any more grandchildren?" and the ever-popular, "You have to try harder, that is all."
My friends who have already completed their families: "Why on earth do you want another one...especially at your age."
I could go on, but youse guys get the point.
Conway05:
From my own mother, just past 1 yr TTC - "You might as well go ahead and start filling out the adoption papers, I hear it takes a while"
Thanks a lot Mom!
Being told that by doing IVF, I essentially "killed" the embryos that did not make it to transfer. Don't people realize I would have done anything possible to keep them from dying? It's bad enough that they didn't make it (and no, I am in no way equating that to a pregnancy loss!) but to tell me I'm selfish and killed them??
Not necessarily about my IF issues, but...
A (former) friend of mine told me I didn't understand how "difficult" her IF struggle was.
This at a time when she was trying for #2 for a whole month. Poor girl. And there I was with a blighted ovum after a FET and two failed IVF cycles. Yeah, I totally could not relate. Sigh.
I have two. One from last February, said by my best friend who was, at the time, about 6 weeks or so pregnant. I'd just found out that yet another TTC friend was pg and she remarked "So what? Who cares if we're all getting pregnant and you aren't? I feel sorry for you, I really do. But I'm tired of feeling guilty because you can't get pregnant and I can."
Then there was the one from my sister last month, upon hearing me admonish my husband for poking me for the 25th time that day: "God you are SUCH a BITCH! No wonder you can't get pregnant if your husband can't even touch you."
After much thought, My #1 most painful comment was After my m/c, Grandma says "Maybe the baby your supposed to have is waiting for you to get married" :(
Wow! I can't believe how rude some of those are! Well, I'm sure I've gotten some bad ones, I try to just forget them. The one that I've heard the most & never fails to bug me is "So when are you gonna 'catch up'?" I didn't know it was a contest!! >:^{
Steph (my_teffie from TTC 12+ board)
I hate the comment "just relax, it'll happen." I don't know if it's the worst thing anyone's ever said to me, it just makes me want to slap the person upside the head and tell them that relaxing won't fix a hormone imbalance or cure my PCOS or hypothyroid. These comments usually go along with suggestions to "take a trip, so and so did and they got pg".
Margriet (from WebMD)
I have not suffered from IF, but when my son died 5 days after he was born, someone told me that it was a good thing he didn't live longer. It was a blessing that he died so soon.
I almost shit myself when she said this. To my face. Tells me it is a good thing that my son didn't live longer.
What the hell are people thinking? Seriously.
hm... I guess I would have to go with all the "you're young comments".
Oh... and a "friend" talking about her mother's abortions while supposedly consoling me after my second m/c. Neat, why the hell do I need to know?!
It was just after my m/c, we had told the whole family about my bfp in our excitement and my mom had notified my grandma who was in Germany at the time. Upon returning to the states and finding out I had m/c'd my grandma ran it pretty much home that I had "let her down" and that I probably shouldn't have told anyone... as if I wasn't heartbroken enough.
I had just gone through a miscarriage and several infertility treatments and my very pregnant SIL had the audacity to laugh in my face when I told her that we weren't going to do IVF; that we would choose to adopt instead. Bitch!
When my cousin mentioned at a family holiday a few years back that she and her husband had been TTC for about five years, my mom exclaimed loudly from across the room, "Five years?! Do you need me to draw you a picture?!" As if they didn't know how it worked.
When the same cousin lost her first baby at eight weeks, my mom told me "At least she wasn't further along. A lot of women lose their pregnancies early on and never know." I told her that as soon as a woman hears "pregnant" and "loss" in the same sentence, it hurts whether it's eight weeks or twelve weeks. Which my cousin found out when she lost her second at twelve weeks. She's still TTC. =(
And when we were at a family wedding the week of her loss, my mom spent the reception asking me about my pregnancy and how great it was that I was having a baby - while she was sitting next to my cousin.
My mother also gave me the adoption logic when we were TTC (2-1/2 years), "It happens so often there MUST be a correlation!" I finally told her that adoption won't make me ovulate, it's a bad choice if the only reason is so I'd get pregnant, and that adopting a baby wouldn't give me a little one with my husbands eyes and my nose. Finally, after I had a fit of tears and yelling, she got the picture and stopped mentioning it.
But she never did stop telling me about her friends who had IUI twins, and how I should do what they did because it worked for them. Yay for them getting twins from their first IUI - it took me five to have my one sweet boy. I don't begrudge them their succes, I resent my mom rubbing my face in it. It's not a magic formula, they didn't do it "right" while we were doing it "wrong." Everyone is different, and it took us a while to find what would work for us.
On my miscarriage -
My MIL said "That's a blessing. You don't want a baby that is deformed. Thank god you lost it."
On SI - I can't tell you the number of people - family, friends, co-workers who would tell me I need to relax or stop worrying about it and it will happen. DUH
On SI still, my girlfriend said that my "infertility isn't such a big deal because I already have a child."
Sometimes people need to Shut the F up!
Wow - I can't believe some of these stories. I've been blessed with sensitive friends and family, but I've also been very selective in whom I've told. Only a handful of people know we're trying. The worst I get is probably from my MIL - she constantly tells me she's not ready for grandkids and we have plenty of time...granted she doesn't know we're TTC. It's none of her d**m business whether we're "ready" or not. I've also had a couple from friends with kids that say "aren't you glad you don't have kids right now"? And they DO know we're TTC. ugh.
Lots of kudos to you ladies that have put up with worse crap than this. TTC is a rough gig - but it breeds seriously strong women.
I haven't been through IF either but the worst comment was made to me (from someone high up in my parents church) when I was pregnant with my first (lost herat 21 wks) "I would like to congratulate you but you are not married so I can't."
I was SO upset! Some people...
With IVF #1, I asked my mom to give me the PIO shots. DH can't handle needles, and mom's a nurse. And I can't shoot myself in the butt.
Friday she totally agreed. Well Monday she tells me she has to talk to me. She tells me she can't. She talked to her priest for her "Church group" (more like cult) and the priest says that goes against the Catholic religion. She loves me and would die for me but she has to answer to God and she can't do it.
She crushed me. We didn't tell her about IVF #1.
WELL...the priest gets arrested a short time later for allegedly touching a 79 yr old woman.
AND my priest said in a nutshell...if you are good people and are going to raise them right who cares how you get the kids.
Mom has since come around....especially upon hearing what my priest said (who was her priest before he was transferred - nothing bad!
Kim
I don't have IF, but after 7 months of trying I got pg. When telling my family, my very fertile younger step-sister w/ 2 children told me she was pregnant too. She also reminded me about what happened last time she was pg at the same time as another sister. Our other step-sister miscarried while they were both pg with #2.
I had already had spotting and was very nervous and this did not help. I had more spotting later and her words just kept echoing in my mind.
Thankfully, everything turned out fine though.
Another one... while I was ttc a coworker got pg and was depressed about it because she didn't want kids. She kept telling us about her horrible birthday present. She did eventually fall in love with the baby, but it was hard at the time.
well we went to our pastor for sounseling since we were going through a rough period together from all the stress.....and him and his wife said....maybe God's plan is to have you do something else besides be parents.
I don't know it just sucked.....I have been looking for new church since then
"It'll be alright next time, don't worry about it"
Said to me by a well-meaning acquaintance after nearly two years ttc and a miracle pre-IVF baby turned out to have a lethal birth defect.
Yep.
Still angry about it. How the eff would they know, and more importantly what is so wrong with saying 'I'm so sorry for your loss?'
J
I know people were trying to help, and they just said STUPID things, instead of keeping their traps shut.
Oh, if I only had a dime for every time I heard "Just relax. Have a glass of wine, that's how it happened for me. Just adopt, my friend did that and got pregnant right away..."
I didn't deal with infertility, but I did have an early loss (I didn't mention this on my blog, but it was about 6 weeks ago). I told my co-worker that I was pregnant and the first thing she asks is, "Are you keeping it?" to which I answered, "of course!" (I was quite surprised she would ask that). I then miscarried less than a week later and I was only 5 weeks along, but I was still crushed. When I told this co-worker I was miscarrying, she went on to tell me how she went through the process "the other way". K, thanks! Not really helping me right now!
Well we didnt have infertility problems...hence:
Haven't you figured out what causes pregnancy yet?
I am pregnant with #4 but I have 3 step children as well. Baby makes 7
I love this question! Not that hearing awful, insensitive things is great, but it is great to have a place to complain about it to people that have heard it too! I haven't heard anything too bad, but have heard a couple of them SEVERAL times. The ones I hear the most:
1. Just stop trying and it will happen (as many of you have heard)
2. Just drink jack and coke that's how I got pregnant (or any other variation of how they accidentally got pregnant)
3. All I have to do is LOOK at my husband and I am pregnant (I only WISH it was that easy)
Some people are just insensitive and dont understand how it sounds to someone ttc unsuccessfully.
Can we still add to this poll?
I have two - One of my high school friends has 3 children, 2 of which were conceived the minute they tried (the third was an accident)
She has told me several times that I'm "lucky" I don't have kids, that way I have so much time on my hands. I can sleep in when I want to, I can do whatever I want to, whenever I want to do them!
After my 3 losses within the last year, innumerable people have said "At least you and your DH have a fantastic relationship, look at the positives in your life. You have such a good marriage"
(I didn't know you had to have a bad marriage to be "granted" babies!!)
I have not experience IF, but I noticed that there were comments from those that suffered a loss, so I figured I'd chime in.
A girl on a message board said, "as far it can be seen, your little m/c was your imagination. I believe it is your warped and delusional mind seeking to be the center of attention."
She also said that if my miscarriage was real, then "Maybe it was God's way of telling you, you don't need a kid."
All this coming from an IFer herself.
Also, a friend of mine called and it was a few days after my m/c and when I told her about it she said, "Oh man, that sucks. Well, my boyfriend and I had a huge fight last night." She then proceeded to talk about herself for the rest of the conversation. She is now married to said boyfriend, bought a house, and is pregnant with their first child. All of which happened in a 3 month time frame and was completely pressured by her constant nagging.
I had a m/c last fall and when I recently told my MIL I was expecting she said something along the lines of let's hope this one sticks.
The worst thing said to me. . .
We TCC for a year and once we got our bfp, we decided to wait a few weeks before announcing it in fear something would go wrong. When we finally did announce at 8 weeks, my SIL, who get's pregnant at the mere thought of it, asked why we waited so long to announce it. I told her we were just being cautious. She then asked me where my faith was?
"Where was MY faith?" I kept my mouth shut but felt like telling her she didn't know the first thing about faith.
Well, nothing horrible horrible, but I've certainly gotten the "Well this must be what God intended" and the dumb nurse right before Al's surgery who started talking about how she accidentally got knocked up after getting drunk.
I've also gotten the suggestion that maybe I should just leave my husband and find somebody who could give me a baby. Wait. That one came from my husband. Doh.
I don't know that this is the worst, but it pissed me off the most. MIL has all grandsons and repeatedly reminds us and everyone else that we're responsible for supplying her with a granddaughter.
One day DH was telling the IL's that he was going to have surgery to repair his varicocele and MIL asked what we'd do if it didn't work. DH said we'd probably move straight to IVF.
MIL's response was, "well, let's just hope it doesn't work - that way you can pick the sex and make sure you have a girl."
The whole girl thing makes me angrier everytime I hear it but that last comment had me wanting to go for her throat.
Oh, and the night before DH's surgery she called to wish him luck, and to let him know that his 18 year old nephew got his girlfriend pregnant awhile back and they just found out they're having a boy, so we better figure something out soon since she's just been plagued with another boy in the family.
Bitch.
I spent nearly 3 years having doctors and specialists tell me again and again... you're too old... Your eggs aren't viable...
The worst thing any doctor said to me was something along the lines of looking into an egg donor.
The first time I an egg donor was mentioned I felt odd- as if shouldn't a specialist be offering me other avenues? Should she be cutting off all my hope in one, fell swoop?
I am going to type out a blog entry about my experience. I didn't realize there were so many people here in Blogger dealing with what I dealt with.
I had a very surprise ending to my situation/ordeal. It might lift spirits a bit.
I told one of my close friends (pregnant at the time) that I was going to the dr. because we had been trying to get pregnant for a while. She told me that she would never take fertility drugs because she was afraid it would hurt the baby. Shocked at her answer, I replied -- what study did you get that from? I'm not familiar with that one. I still get upset thinking about it. She also emailed me a pic of a newborn baby even though she KNEW about our struggles.
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