~~ I Gained Weight!!! ~~

Yeah baby, the weight gain conundrum seems to be ~over~ !!!

Stats
Height: 5'8"
My lowest after 2 babies weight where I looked like a skeleton: 120
My still too skinny, but I secretly loved it weight: 125
My weight where I look my best to me and everyone else: 130-135
My usual non-trying weight: 140
My pre-IVF, post 18 mos of treatments weight: 145 (Feb, 08)
My post-IVF, post-FET, BFP weight: 157 (April)
My 25week pregnant weight: 160 (October 10th)
My 28week pregnant weight: 163 (October 31st)
Total weight gain since BFP: 6 lbs
Total weight gain including IVF: 18 lbs

Yay! I gained 3 lbs in the last 3 weeks!!

And I'll admit it right here and now, I kind of liked not gaining weight. Which is all kinds of wrong. I ~know~ I need to! I ~know~ I have to! But when I was eating and the weight just wasn't coming on, it was nice to think I may not get out of control huge like I have with my other two kids. Yes, I'm the one who has blogged multiple times about the good of pregnancy weight gain. I'm the one who had blogged multiple times about hating it when girls would be all "woohoo! I didn't gain any weight!" But in my defense, I never said woohoo. In fact, I blogged about how I was worried about it. But being who I am, I will admit I secretly liked it, but only in my head.

I predict I will gain 1 lb every week for the next 12 weeks. This will mean my pregnancy-only weight gain will be 18 lbs, but my total gain including IVF will be 40 lbs. Good lord. Well, it's not the 50 lbs like the last two times, right? And realistically, I know I need to gain whatever Karl needs me to. So I just have to allow whatever to happen to happen.


Other Appointment Stats/Facts

~ My uterus only measured 23cms when it should have measured 28. He saw the difference and remeasured me. This time he dug for the top of my uterus and he got 25cms. He's chalking it up to the baby now being breech and it'll be important to make sure it'll grow consistently in the new position.

~ Regarding being breech, doc gives me 8 weeks before he'll start to worry about him not turning. Whew! We've got lots of time to coax him back into position.

~ I got yelled at for not doing my GDD test before 28 weeks. I meant to go yesterday, but Ella was sick and I wasn't going to take her to the hospital lab for a 3 hour test. I must go next week. No excuses.

~ We talked about my depression. I have felt tons better in the last week so we're hoping I just stay this way, but if it comes back, to talk to him. He said he's seen this in high risk pregnancies, where the stress of it all can kind of just catch up to me, even if I'm not thinking about it consciously. With how hard we tried for the baby and then all the scares at the beginning and then all the problems we have now, well, it's just a lot. Add that onto normal pregnancy hormones, parenting two little girls, a stressful job and the fact I'm having a boy this time, he didn't think it was strange at all I was down. He did say he was happy I recognized it and to keep in mind that I will be of higher risk for post partum depression. Fun times.

~ I asked about the BPPs and why it seems the tech is looking at the opposite of what we should be looking at. See, they are looking for the "normal" BPP, which is a reactive pattern. They want to see the baby's heart rate to increase 3 from movement a certain number of times in a certain amount of time. I thought we were watching for signs of his heart rate dropping from compressing the cord.

He explained a lot more than I knew at first. He said with a velamentous cord insertion, the risks are growth restriction, placental deterioration and other problems, decreased fluid and of course the cord compression. I didn't know about the placental issues. He continued to explain my age and IVF also increases my risk for placental issues. And even more, a past pregnancy with placenta accreta (Allison's placenta grew in and through my uterus), I'm at even a higher risk. So, making sure he's growing and the fluid levels are normal and his heart rate is reactive now is very important in determining issues further into the pregnancy. He said he wouldn't expect to see any issues this early, but 32-34 weeks is where it usually would get problematic if there are to be issues later on. He explained if we didn't have the velamentous cord, he'd be ordering BPPs and NSTs anyway, we just wanted to start 2 months early to not only have a baseline, but to be extra careful.

So that all scares the living bejeezus out of me. I thought the fact Karl is thriving was a good sign for all my issues, but it simply means he's doing good now, a period where they wouldn't even expect problems. I still have a giant hurdle to get over and it's only going to get scarier by the minute.

All I can focus on right now is the fact we all know I have a very high risk for placental issues. And I am being monitored to the best of the doctor's ability for the moment. If I need to start getting more tests or even admitted to the hospital for constant monitoring, I'll do it. Of course I'll do it.

~ I will have my husband take my 28w picture for the sidebar when he gets back from trick-or-treating with the kids.

Pictures are fun.

I posted those pictures due to miss chicklet's test yesterday and I'm working from home today, so I've got lots more pictures.

Here is the 4th folder, 4th picture ...


Heh. That is ~so~ awesome. It really truly was the 4th folder, 4th picture. And just to explain myself a bit, it's my "ftpTemp" folder where I put pictures I want to post places. And I was making ~fun~ of this picture. Just didn't want anyone to think it was my "hotGuys" folder or anything like that.

This is my 6th folder, 6th picture ...


And here is just a bunch of random pictures for your amusement.

We're a converse family. ...


Note: "Floam" should not be used as a hat. Holy shit. I had no clue how to handle this one. It was so sticky and the strength necessary to pull it out of the hair would rip the hair out of her head. I had to soak it in the tub to get it out. Terrible. ...


This is what happens when my husband waters the grass with a large manual sprinkler and doesn't think to close the window. ...


This is a doodlepro picture Ella drew. It's a picture of the princesses. From left to right, Sleeping Beauty, Cinderella and then Belle. They are standing between flowers, very large flowers, standing on grass which is on top of dirt. The sky is cloudy and blue. Duh! ...


Oh boy. Proof I will post any picture of myself. No matter how ugly I am! ...


Like you needed more proof. I'm getting my makeup done by my friend Sam. ...


I live in the ghetto and this is what I get to see in my front lawn from time to time. Awesome, eh? It's blurry, but the only one I got where the suspect guy is actually leaned across the car getting handcuffed. ...


My kids are so punk rock. They'll probably rebel by listening to country and going to church. ...

Sorry Tampa Bay

Time to put away your cowbells and get in line for tomorrow's buffet.

Yay! Good Job Phillies!!

WhatEVER Chicklet.

Yeah, I'll pass your little test miss chicklet. (I feel somewhat like an evil bajillionaire rubbing my hands together saying "excellent").

4th folder. 4th picture.

Here it is ...




But that is out of control BORING.

Wouldn't it have been better if it was this?




Or even this?



(Come on, admit it. This is the type of picture you would imagine if thinking of me, right? If not, it should be.)

Because I'm an Idiot Too.

Just like momofonefornow, I'm an idiot too.

Watch this if you don't mind crying. It's a video made of the 99 days of life lived by Eliot, a boy born with Trisomy 18. The video is narrated by some of the many letters his dad wrote to him and accompanied by lots of video and pictures of his miraculous 99 days here on earth.

I Like Big Butts and I Cannot Lie

Sir Mixalot is stuck in my head.

Had u/s #14 today and got one heck of surprise. Karl decided to perform some moving tricks and he's now breech. His butt is nestled all the way down in my pelvis, nice and comfy.

The pain I felt last night totally makes sense to me now though.

We got our new carpet installed yesterday. Which means I spent much of my time on Monday and last night moving stuff around. I did way too much and exceeded probably every warning about lifting, but I felt fine doing it, so I just continued. But at the end of last night, I bent over to pick something up and felt a horrible pain in the right side of my stomach.

Ouch.

Not a muscle pull type pain or a contraction like pain. But just a sharp pain. I bent over again and felt the same thing. And then it was gone. That must of been when the little man flipped around.

I have 6 more weeks for him to move back before I will start to worry. And even after that, he still ~can~ move, it's just unlikely.

Oi. I do ~not~ want a c-section. No, no, no. Damn it. I'm a bit freaked out.

It's hard to keep my mouth shut

Public message boards have the ability to drive me fucking ~insane~.

On the webmd 3rd tri board, there is a conversation about drinking and pregnancy. One girl mentioned she thought drinking a sip of alcohol could put your baby at risk and questions why some women do it. She said she would switch doctors if her doctor said a glass of wine was okay.

Well, there were a bevy of responses and one woman set the record straight with facts and links to large (400,000 woman) studied. She spoke to the risks of FAS (fetal alcohol syndrome) and FAE (fetal alcohol effect) and suggested the original poster do some studies before assuming things on her own.

And then a girl comes on and says "I think its stupid to even chance it, despite what studies have proven." And she's 19. And her signature begs her baby to "Please come early!".

It's taking all I have in me to not reply to her saying "Yeah! 'Ignore scientific fact' says the teenager who wants her baby to be born early!" ~giggle~. "I think it's stupid" indeed.

Update ... I just wanted to explain that my laughter from this teenager was ~not~ the fact she thinks drinking is stupid, that's fine and dandy for her to have that opinion. I just think it's funny she says " ... despite what studies have proven". Like her 19 years on this planet should trump serious medical studies. That is what made me laugh.

The Day After

Although I'm still pissed off when I think about what an asshole that guy is, I'm not going to let it fester anymore. I will acknowledge he's a selfish dick. I take comfort in knowing in life, you get what you give. And I will do my best to move on from the situation without giving him any more of my time or energy. In the grand scheme of things, he doesn't mean anything to me, as the role he played in my life was simply an extra with a few meaningless lines. I'll still be forced to deal with the guy for awhile due to an ongoing project, but I'll manage with as little contact as possible.

You know what's the ~best~ thing in my life right now? My husband. He is just being the best guy in the entire world, really reminding me why we got married in the first place. During the past few years, we kind of fell into a "rut" of sorts. Trying to conceive, parenting and now pregnant with a high risk pregnancy. But we're really trying to focus back on being a couple. Being a romantic couple.

Last night was ~wonderful~. Not only was the sex outrageously fabulous, but everything surrounding it was great. We spent hours in bed before even having sex. Cuddling, laughing at stupid television and just enjoying being together. Then we had a full on make out session before coming close to getting naked. I'll admit that I had forgotten how awesome he really is over the past year. I was focusing on all the things that I don't like, even though they are all so minor. But I was letting those minor things build up into major things. I'm slowly chiseling away at the boulder I created into the pebbles they should be. We are a really good couple and I can't let that fall apart because I'm not willing to pay attention to what I really have in my life already.

I Feel Like Such a Fool.

There are some things in my life, personal and professional, I would like to keep private, yet there are parts of some things which really effect me and I need to "get it out". Blogging is my way of getting it out, so there are times I will have to be cryptic as to not put too much of a personal thing out there. This is one of those times.

In a nutshell, everything about this situation boils down to me being played for a fool. Nothing was done to me maliciously, but when my direction started going down a path which wasn't the right way to go, something should have been done right then and there to redirect me. Instead, I was taken advantage of and I was left to clean it all up on my own.

Things could have been redirected months ago. Someone who knew the lay of the land, the forest ranger, was right there and watched me turn the wrong way. But it was convenient for him to have me walk down that path, as he has to verify the path was walkable. So with me walking it, he didn't have to walk it himself. When I turned down the wrong path, casually on my way, it was obvious to him I was taking the wrong path for my juorney. Instead of warning me, I was left to try to navigate it on my own. I had gone down that path a long distance for a great while, not knowing I couldn't get to where I was going, but thinking I could.

It wasn't until the forest ranger's boss paid a visit and the ranger, wanting to look ~good~ in front of his boss, suddenly swooped in to tell me I was going in such the obvious wrong way, I should be ashamed of myself. I was made to look really stupid in front of his boss. The ranger immediately took me out of there and showed me the starting point of the right path, under the nodding approval of his boss. As his boss was patting him on the back, the ranger winks at me and says "Thanks for not telling on me!" and I'm left standing alone at the beginning of the new path.

So here I stand. The fool. I wasted so much time on the wrong path, unbeknownst to me. The ranger had been with me the entire time while I was on the other path, wasting my time and most importantly, my energy. At least I know I'm on the right path now and I will get to my destination, but it's a small consolation when thinking of everything I had wasted. And it's even a bit harder to chew when I turn around and the ranger's boss is high-fiving the ranger for a job well done, rewarding him with a promotion for his dream job.

Fucking lame.

The ranger should have put me on the right path as ~soon~ as he saw me going down the wrong path. He shouldn't of used me for his own gain. And he definitely should not have kept what he did to me a secret to his boss.

All I can draw energy on from now is karma. The ranger may have a temporary ego boost from this all but things will catch up to him. Maybe not today. Maybe no tomorrow. But someday it will catch up to him.

Sexy Hot (and pregnant?)

Thank you for so many nice comments yesterday everyone! I wasn't fishing for compliments at all, just simply showing what a difference the side view is from the back view. And so many of you actually complimented ~me~, not just the belly. I'm not used to being pretty, so thank you. Really. (And I'm officially in my 3rd trimester, so definitely in a moment of time I'm furthest from being actually "pretty".)

However, I do have a story to tell from last night having to do with being "hot" in some one's mind. This is a story I won't tell my husband, as he's the jealous type and wouldn't want to hear it, so no one call him up and share! I have some "IRL" friends who read this blog, which I'm not worried about, as it's not a secret. It's plainly not something I would choose to tell him because it would get stuck in his head and when I went on an unaccompanied trip, he'd assume things like this would happen all the time (which they don't).

First off, a little back story... In the last years of his life, my best friend Karl had another best friend named *Scott. I was Karl's best friend and he would quite often talk about me to Scott, which was usually always very positive. See, we lived in different states, so when Karl would talk about me, he missed me, so I was probably even "talked up" a lot. So Scott ends up thinking I'm one of the coolest girls in the entire world (I am, you know. ~wink~) by the way Karl talks about me. Added onto this, I think Scott had somewhat of a crush on me too. I don't know how much of this crush was due to the stories Karl would tell or if it was due to my looks or a combination of the two, but it was there. Whenever I would visit, I noticed the extra attention I got from Scott and how it even flustered him to talk to me, so I had an idea of the crush. He had a girlfriend (*Cindy, now his wife) and me a husband, so he never pursued me or anything like that.

I haven't seen Scott nor his wife since Karl's funeral. Karl's death was really, really, ~really~ hard on him and I spent quite some time comforting him while he cried either in person in the days surrounding Karl's death or on the phone for the months following the death. So this probably added onto the crush a little more, as we had a very deep emotional impact on one another.

Last night both Scott and his wife Cindy were at the party. I always got along with his wife, so I hung out talking to them both for most of the party. I had gone to do something and when I came back to where they were, Scott said to me "I was just talking to Cindy about this and she agrees, you certainly have that "hot pregnant chick" thing going on. I laughed and joked it was just because of my boobs, as I'm not actually hot at all. Then he said something to the effect that pregnancy sure did have a lot of change on me in "that area" and I explained how I had a boob job since the last time he saw me. I said that to just kind of laugh it off so talking about my boobs wasn't so awkward. But he just kept going.

"You are such a hot pregnant girl I bet you could actually go to a club and pick up a guy." No freaking way I protest. I can barely pick up a guy at a club when I'm ~not~ pregnant, I'm sure it wouldn't work with a giant belly. But nooo, he wouldn't let up. I felt so uncomfortable with him going on and on about how "hot" I was. And his wife was right there, which was making it even more awkward. I finally got the conversation turned toward something else. But I swear, throughout the rest of the night, it would turn back to it so I would have to tell him to shut up and change the subject. He either wasn't getting it, didn't care or was too drunk to notice.

Later in the night someone pointed out how my belly button was an outie because they could see it through the thin material in my dress. I said how it wasn't my belly button, but my piercing and I started to lift up my dress to show it. I stopped first because I was wearing a dress! But secondly and more importantly, I wasn't wearing any panties. So what do I say out loud?! "Whoa! I'm not wearing any panties and I almost lifted up my dress!". Scott asks "You aren't wearing any panties under there?" and I innocently reply "Nope! No bra either. I love it!" before I realize I am adding fuel to his fire. He responds, "so under that little dress, you are completely naked?" and I realize the damage is done. I try to downplay it but I see it in his face. He's intrigued.

For the rest of the night, I get comments out of earshot from his wife. Like if was walking in front of him, I'd hear "Damn, look at your ass." Or if I'm walking towards his direction, I get something about my "bounce" or about how much he finds the belly sexy. I either just ignored it or told him "okay, that's enough!" but in a joking manner, as I didn't want him to get into trouble. I've known him for years, so he's not just some random dude I don't give a rat's ass about if he gets in trouble with his wife or not.

But then, a little later and definitely a little drunker, he grabs me in the small of my back and delivers the coup de grâce... "You know, you are the reason my wife is going to get nailed hard tonight."

Oh. My. God.

"Alrighty then Scott. That was over the line. You can't say things like that again." He turned red, got ridiculously embarrassed and apologized. Although I could still feel his eyes on me for the rest of the night, nothing more was said.

I will have to admit the attention did a bit for my ego. My own husband doesn't find my pregnancy attractive at all, so hearing it from someone else did make me feel a little prettier. But it was still over the line.


* The names have been changed to protect the not-so-innocent.

A Few Quick Pictures

This picture makes me look a little stubby, as I'm much taller than it makes me look, but it shows what I'm trying to point out. I look pretty "normal" from the front. This dress shows the bump more due to the empire waist, but still, it doesn't look huge.


But then I turn to the side and WHOA! heh.

I'm in Arizona

Not much time to type, as I only have until my friend gets done folding a load of laundry and we're out the door.

Enough time to tell a quick story .. We went to forever 21 yesterday for my friend to find a pair of jeans. Well, I forgot to bring a belt and the pair of maternity shorts I brought with me are under the belly and now that my belly is huge, they won't stay up on their own. I needed a belt.

Do you know how sad it is to go into a belt section and not have even ~one~ belt fit you? Little teenagers kept giving me the eye too, as I tried to find any belt to wrap around my girth.

No matter how sad that was, it was more sad that I ended up having to buy a SCARF to use as a belt. No, not a cute light scarf some women may tie around their necks in a cute knot or the kind some women use as an accessory on a handbag. I needed to buy a winter scarf. You know, a long winter knitted scarf. It's really thin thread and skinny in width, but still. A full on scarf.

Awesome.

My Boy's 1st Tees

I wanted to share some of the tees I got for Karl.

I freaking ~love~ this one:



This is a onesie and very well may be his take home outfit:



Another onsie:



You can't really see this one well, but it's actually a toilet with a yellow bowl. Get it?:



I could ~not~ get a good picture of this one, but I LOVE it. It says "sid":



This is just a little outfit. Long sleeve t, green pants and a hoodie:


Cool little boy clothes are actually super hard to find. I so do ~not~ want sports tees and crap with animals, trains, trucks, etc on it. Girl clothes are so much easier to get!

I wanted to get a few more, but they were simply little sayings on plain t-shirts and I didn't want to spend the money on them. I'm thinking of getting an iron-on kit for my printer so I can just buy plain tees and onesies and make them myself for way cheaper. Among some of the ones I'm going to make are:
~ "You're old"
~ "He thinks he's my daddy"
~ "Don't forget to wipe my ass."
~ "insomniac"
~ "I wake up screaming"
~ "new & improved"
~ "made from recycled genetic materials"
~ "punk"

I'm sure I'll see others I want to make and even maybe make up my own.

Bullets.

The days are going to get crazy for a few, so in case I don't get to any blogging of substance soon, a quick list of stuff.

~ Go Phillies! (heh. I really don't care about the phillies. As long as Tampa Bay does ~not~ win.)

~ Thanks for all the "that sucks!" comments about getting money stolen. It's not that huge of a deal actually, as we were able to stop it in time, but I do appreciate the comments.

~ I went to PBK (pottery barn kids) tonight to buy a baby shower gift for this weekend. I went in with the idea of buying a simple blanket and left after spending $400. But, I got quite a bit!
- One of the area rugs I've been coveting was on clearance. I bought this one, but was also eyeing this one. The one I bought was originally $299 and I got it for $170. So the price is what won the war.
- I got some pretty cool matching curtains. I decided on the solid orange, as it'll go with the bedding I already have and the baby blue paint on the walls.
- Good lord. What else did I buy? I got a changing pad cover, a few little toys that are for a boy (all my baby toys are pretty much for girls. go figure.), halloween decor and some odds/ends for the girls for being so good.
- I think PBK should really stand for "people buy Kompulsively_here" (yeah, yeah, so it doesn't fit) but PBK is the freaking cutest kid store on the face of the planet. But all so damned expensive. Yet the kids' rooms I have decorated are right out of a catalog picture. Oy.

~ The new carpet will be laid this coming Tuesday! I rented a large storage unit today just so we can move things in/out easily. Hopefully hubby will do it all this weekend while I'm away. What this all means though is I will have a completed nursery within a week or two! I haven't started it due to getting new carpet, but as soon as that's done, it's ~on~! And I think I actually have everything already. Wait, no. I need a new curtain rod.

~ I fly to Phoenix again on Friday for my BFF's reception party. Yay! Due to ICLW, I'll try to have some scheduled blog posts ready for daily posting. Nope, you won't get away from my incessant babbling while I'm away.

~ U/S went fine this morning, yet it was super long. Karl didn't want to do a practice breath for almost 30 minutes and then when on the heart monitor, he didn't want to do any moving. I usually go in after lunch, but today was 1st thing in the morning. Little boy slept the entire time.

~ I want to give (and ask you for some) really good vibes to my friend Laurel. She's going through a really hard time right now and could definitely use some virtual hugs.

~ Although I submitted it for LFCA and it was posted today, huge congrats to gretchen for a BFP on her 5th and final IVF cycle. I'm nothing but ~thrilled~ for her.

~ Thanks to Tori for thinking of me for an invite to a local scrapbooking convention. I freaking laughed out loud. (see my schnarky post a few below for how I really feel about it!)

~ Due to ICLW, I am doing my best to be an Iron Commentor again, so forgive all my regular blogs for any lack of commenting, as I've got 100 other blogs to read/comment around my vacation this weekend!

~ I'm sure no one has really gotten this far, so I bet I could say anything right now. I ate dinosaur for dinner tonight.


Ack. It's 12:14am now and I have to get to bed. Goodnight everyone!

We got robbed.

Maybe it was Karma for me talking smack about Tampa Bay fans and scrapbookers... ~wink~

I logged into my bank account yesterday to get a phone number and saw someone used our debit card number to buy $1,173.76 worth of stuff at walmart. (how white trash is that?)

We still have our card in our possession, so someone typed in the card number at the register (confirmed by bank), meaning the cashier was either really stupid to take card # off of a piece of paper or the cashier was in on it or the cashier was the one who stole the number.

Reported it to the bank. Filed police report. Blah blah blah.

What a hassle.

I still stand by my list of 10 though!

Sometimes I just can't help myself.

(I hate to change the subject from my schnarky post below, because damn, I had so much fun with it, but time to get serious for a moment ...)

I just unloaded on poor Tricia. Not in a bad way, but I just commented way too much on a happy post of her own. See, she is going to graduate the RE's office soon and she was lamenting on how she'll miss all those ultrasounds. I remember feeling the same way. Knowing I'll miss those weekly ultrasounds.

Tomorrow I go in for ultrasound #13. I love seeing my son. I love that it takes at least 30 minutes to get all the measurements and mark down all his points for doing certain things. I know that I will get ~at least~ an u/s every week from now on. This may increase towards the end depending on what's happening, but if figuring 1/week until 40 weeks, I'll get a total of 26 ultrasounds.

But ... And this is a big but ...

I only get these "fabulous" ultrasounds because my doctor is worried my baby boy will die suddenly.

The risk is low but a risk nonetheless. There is a large section of the umbilical cord which transverses almost my entire placenta. Literally, all he has to do is roll onto that section and he will kill himself. Just like that. It can happen too quickly for me to even know it's happening. So we are watching him closely through the weeks to see if he's coming close to it. To see if he happens to nudge it. To see how close he is to a horrific cord accident.

To say I'm terrified doesn't even scratch the surface. It's true I'm not focusing on it, but you can bet your ass it's always there in the back of my mind. I wiggle my belly all the time in a subconscious attempt to keep him from settling down in one place. When I feel a silence in movements my heart catches in my throat thinking "is this the moment I find out my son is dead?" only to feel a normal kick 2 seconds later to tell me "no, it's not".

All I can do is acknowledge the doctors are watching it. If he starts to nudge the cord I'll be admitted to the hospital so they can watch him 24 hours a day. If he continues to nudge it, the doctors will take him before he kills himself. But I know that all the careful monitoring in the world cannot ensure he won't compress his cord when we aren't watching.

And that, my friends, is almost too much for my mind to bear.

ICLW!

I am literally cracking up right now. ICLW starts today (yeah! I'm ~in~ again!) and the first post people are going to read is my schnarky post below (this one doesn't count).

So, for those who maybe haven't read me before are going to think I'm a crazy red sox fan who likes to make fun of other people.

Okay, okay, I ~am~ a red sox fan (crazy by default) and I do like to make fun of other people. But, if you would get to know me, you'd also understand I can take it too. I don't just dish it out. So bear with me new readers ... I'll have a fun filled week of posting!

Things I don't "do"

Yeah, I'm feeling schnarky again and I feel like being schnarky aloud. So here is a list of things that either annoy me, things I don't do or thing that just make me laugh. (no offense. really. I promise. okay, maybe a little.)

1. Tampa Bay fans. Yeah, yeah, call me a sore loser (I am) but come on. How do ~you~ spell BANDWAGON? I spell it T-a-m-p-a-B-a-y. "95 percent of Tampa didn't give a damn about the Rays until July 2008" was what Daniel Penza says of the phenomena of florida bandwagoners today. I heard a statistic today I can't quite remember exactly, but there were something like 9 games sold out in tampa bay previous to the postseason. 9. Out of like 81. How many games sold out at fenway? Yeah. All of them. And I bet you a million dollars the sold out games were because of red sox fans filling their covered stadium. In Florida. Uh-huh. And really. Cowbells? How dumb is that?

2. New Kids on The Block. I. Just. Don't. Get. It. At all.

3. Scrapbooking. Like, I understand it makes for a pretty presentation. I get that. But full on stores dedicated to it? Weekend conventions? Really? I had to go into a scrapbooking store with a friend a few months ago to get some paper. And there were ~tons~ of women oogling the latest paper cutter. And there I was, all tattoo'd walking around totally lost. One woman actually pulled her child close to her as I walked by. Heh. That's so fucking awesome.

4. Religion. Yeah, I probably shouldn't put this one here due to the nature of the subject. I kind of wish I believed in it actually. The aspect of death would be totally easier to deal with. That's for damned sure.

5. The stupid TBS announcers. All hail NESN.

6. Pretentious people who work at starbucks. Look, I'm sorry I screw up in ordering a freaking coffee. But guess what? You make $7/hour. I can buy you. Stop rolling your eyes when I'm not up on the new name you've made up for the coffee I've been ordering for 12 years.

7. Resolutioners. This is the name I've made up for all the people who inundate the gym every January. It's got a simple fix though, they'll be gone by February.

8. People who ~gasp~ at what other's paid for a handbag or a pair of shoes or whatever. Look, some people like luxury items and they make budgets to buy the item(s) they covet. I don't ~gasp~ at your $3 clearance sale ross purse, do I?

9. Pretty much ~all~ items of clothing with the name of a "place" on them. I don't know why this one bothers me. Maybe because my mother's wardrobe consists of 95% of t-shirts with the name of some town on it. "Branson". Great. You went to Branson. Okay. (this pretty much contradicts my #8 but it's my list so deal.)

10. OMG. I know. I was sitting here trying to figure out a #10 to give. But I know!!! People who leave lift tickets on their jackets. WHY? They are old. Worthless. No reason for them to stay on your zipper. Or are you just that freaking excited to tell the world you went skiing? Dumb. It's called trash people. Throw it away.

It's monday.

The Red Sox lost. I'm so sad baseball is now over.

There's always two ways to look at something.

Sara had it right (her comment to "I don't deserve this"). I'm simply overly grateful and humbled by everything. Sometimes it takes me taking a mental (or blogal) inventory of everything I have to ~see~ it for what it is.

(note: "Come Out Tonight" is just a bit of spoken word from the late Steven Bernstein. It's AMAZING to listen. Why not listen now?)

Today marks post #600. Wow.

Come Out Tonight.

Forecast in chrome and plastic, tyrants breathing out oil, slavery, planet hunger versions of Jackie-O. Sherry, Sherry baby, won't you come out tonight. And the stars whisper like old blood at the edges of the body of night. She stood with one hand on the phone for four hours, poised as only a few seconds had passed. I watched her through the crack between the shade and the sill. She waited for a forecast in human trembling, together with other important women. Come, come, come out tonight.

The world suffers for her. The clock hurries like a terrified animal and stops, dribbling saliva. She is eating chicken pie and bubble gum. For a month the Luftewaffe lived on raisins, same with the French after the war. Jackie-O recieved fresh oranges from John Kennedy. Silly girl! She can not put down the telephone reciever. She is waiting to recieve my body of work. She wants to take it into her ear. A modeled flush builds under her cheeks. She eats Christmas candy while she waits.

The telephone rings and rings. I am not at home. I am with Jackie-O. We are eating oranges from the President. We are alone on the roof of a Park Avenue penthouse. Picture of Marylin Monroe in my back pocket, molded by heat and sweat to the shape of my buttocks. You are gripping the phone, smiling, eating candy, crying, "I am with the important women now." I am secretly an important man. Hang up the phone, I can't dance with you anymore. Go to your freezer and get a popsicle. Go to your TV. Turn on your TV. You will see me and Jackie-O. She will be taking it in the ear, my body of work.

In the planetarium, you will recieve a forecast: I will always be more important than you. You will never be important enough. You will never be on the repent end of slavery, never be the one to wield hunger against humanity. Heaven will never be an extension of your body. Your body will always belong to someone else.

The picture of Marylin Monroe flutters across the roof, steaming, shaped like me, shaped like my ass. The sky is filled with oranges during the war. We eat them. The President is alone in a room. He is unimportant. As we eat his oranges the sky grows blacker. The moon ripens and turns red. It rots and is swallowed by the darkness. You are still by the phone. It is ringing and ringing, dead. Sherry, Sherry baby, won't you come out tonight.

It is completely dark. The earth freezes. You put down the reciever and go to the window. Come, come, come out tonight.

I don't deserve this.

I don't deserve my husband.

I don't deserve my girls.

I don't deserve my growing belly. My soon to be son.

I don't deserve my career.

I don't deserve my friends who love me.

I don't deserve my body.

I don't deserve my bank account.

I don't deserve my happiness I pretend to exude.

I don't deserve my house. Even if it's still our "starter" house.

I don't deserve my stupid material possessions.

I don't deserve my intelligence.

I don't deserve my sense of humor.

I don't deserve my words.

I don't deserve you.

Name just ~one~ thing.

Name one thing/reason why you are or can be happy about today.

My Cost of Infertility

Monetarily speaking. I wouldn't even begin to know how to put a price on the emotional toll, the days missing from my life when I was heartbroken, the issues I had in my marriage, all from infertility. All I can do is look through my checkbook.

My friend Julie spoke to her cost, which made me figure out how much I spent on my journey to conceive this baby.

IUI #1: $650
IUI #2: $500
Monitored cycle: $350
Meds for IUI/Monitored: $120
Co-pays for all of 2007 RE visits: ~$960
OPKs/HPTs/Ferning Microscope/pre~seed: $250
Ovulation Monitor: $100
Monitor test strips: $90
Vitamins/Supplements: $75
2 years of FF membership: $90
Co-pays for 2008 RE visits: ~$720
IUI #3: $500
IVF/FET out of pocket (not incl copays): $3,000
IVF meds: $250
FET meds: $350 (due to viagra)
acupuncture IVF package: $650
acupuncture FET package: $400
Out of pocket for HSGs, HSSs, and 4 surgeries: $1000 approx.
2 frozen sperm cycles: $450

Total out of pocket cost ~I spent~ to conceive this baby: $10,340.00

Quite a bundle if I may say so myself.

Now. On the other hand, so far you all have read what's been going on with this pregnancy: Ectopic scares in the beginning resulting in u/s and tons of blood tests. The Nuchal Translucency test. The blood screen. The Down's Syndrome scare. The CVS. The cord issue. The weekly BPP which consists of 30 minutes of heart beat monitor plus an ultrasound (that's 26 ultrasounds). A growth u/s every 4 weeks. OB appointments: every 4 weeks from 8-30 weeks, every 2 weeks from 30-36 weeks, every week from 36-40 weeks.

Total out of pocket cost ~I will spend~ to grow this baby: $20.

The insurance people sure are screwed up, aren't they?


update: Ack. I meant to talk about how the amount I spent is literally a drop in the bucket to ~so~ many other people. Denise's comment reminded me I did not say that. Just wanted to get that out there.

I have a new post for today

But until I can get that written ... Psst .... I've hit double digits today.

I feel like I'm that guy from The Talking Heads.

And you may ask yourself
How do I work this?
And you may ask yourself
Where is that large automobile?
And you may tell yourself
This is not my beautiful house!
And you may tell yourself
This is not my beautiful wife!
Well? ... How did I get here?

99 days to go. 25w6d.

Letting the days go by/let the water hold me down
Letting the days go by/water flowing underground
Into the blue again/after the moneys gone
Once in a lifetime/water flowing underground

When you look around. It's still
Same as it ever was.

I'm lighting my candle now.

For the next hour, a candle will burn brightly in my house.

Do you know what today is?

Today, October 15th, is National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day in the United States.

This is a very important day.

It's not only a special day, set aside to acknowledge and remember all losses, but there are some things to be accomplished.

1. Help Pass the Stillbirth Awareness and Research Act. Today, on October 15th, publish a post on your blog supporting H.R. 5979 Stillbirth Awareness and Research Act. GOAL: 1,000,000 Google results on October 15th when that term is searched for. Currently, Google only returns 20,400 pages - most of which have nothing to do with the bill.

From Miss Antigone ... "Stillbirth is not an intractable problem. Greater research would likely significantly reduce its incidence, but good research requires good data. H.R. 5979: Stillbirth Awareness and Research Act is under consideration by Congress. This proposed bill would standardize stillbirth investigation and diagnosis, thus providing more data for the needed research. Better research means fewer children born still.On October 15th, remember the thousands of unfinished children lost and the families who remain to grieve them. Honor them by taking action. Let's help pass H.R. 5979."

2. Help spread the word. Blog about what today is. Do it today. Tell others. Tell people you normally wouldn't tell, meaning non-bloggers. Bring it up in a conversation to start to show people this isn't something we have to whisper about.

3. Light a candle tonight at 7pm ~your~ time for 1 hour to honor all babies lost. This way, there will be a continuous "wave of light" to remember all our babies.

Please. Do something for today. It's important.


I am remembering all lost babies today. But I wanted to list a few special names that have special memories for me...

Angel Rose, lost to Julie.
Henry, lost to Antigone.
Twins, lost to Katie.
Baby, lost to my best friend, Ryan.
Baby, lost to a my beautiful friend Laurel.
Samuel, lost to Sara.
Baby, lost to Jamie.
Baby, lost to Jen.
Lily Ann Hope, lost to Kelly.
Evelyn, lost to Jessi.
Two babies, lost to friend Jessica.
The Doodles, lost to Busted.
Babies, lost to Meg.
Babies, lost to Bleu.
Zachary Andrew, lost to Ann.
Baby, lost to friend Dana.
Joshua, lost to another close friend, Dana.
And lastly, to the other 8 members of "The Mod Squad". My little embryos who didn't make it any further in their little petri dishes. I know they don't really count as it wasn't a pregnancy loss, but they were real to me and they were my little babies who I wished long and hard for each one of their survival.

There are dozens of others I personally "know" from the community, including chemical pregnancies to stillbirths. My not listing them does not make them not important. It simply means I didn't find the link while I was typing up the list.

HumDillyDum.

I know how excited everyone is to read simply bulleted lists of boring general updates, so that is ~exactly~ what you are getting! Yay for you!


~ I was in my funkitude again this past weekend, but I'm coming out of it. In fact, I feel quite great today. I have made a choice to focus on all the things that rule in my life. My husband is awesome. My kids are cute. My job is, well, I have a job. Karl is doing quite well in my belly. I just have been focusing on some things that were completely out of my control. And in looking at it further, I was really focusing on things in the wrong way. Let's just say the wool had been pulled over my eyes for quite awhile and it took me some balls to simply lift it up. There's nothing like the right perspective to really help things. Everything is going to be just fine. I now know this for certain.

~ I've lost weight. Very, very bad. I am normally 5'8" and 145 lbs and was up to 157 when I got my BFP. The 12 lbs was due to treatments, but we were counting them as pregnancy pounds. As of today, I was 158 lbs, down 2 lbs from 2 weeks ago. The problem is I don't eat when I'm in my funk. Poor Tom has to force me to eat by explaining the baby needs it. And I know that but it wasn't helping. He made me a sandwich on Saturday which I forced down. On Sunday, I ate a donut. No, two donuts. I don't think I even ate anything yesterday except a cookie. And it's 12:46pm today and I haven't eaten. I'm taking my vitamins, but I need to get some calories down. Since I'm feeling emotionally fabulous today, I hope this will be changing. I brought it some yummy soups, so in a few moments, I'll go heat one of those up. I'm definitely not feeling hungry, but I'll do it for Karl.

~ I think I finally got everything I needed for the baby's arrival, as the moses basket came yesterday. Now it's all up to getting our new carpet installed (scheduled for the 28th) and then I'll get to set it all up. The room is already painted a light baby blue, so I don't really have much to do. I may change the curtains and get an area rug, but we'll see how it all turns out.

~ I have another NST/BPP scheduled tomorrow. Although this cord issue I have is scary as all hell, getting to see Karl every week is exciting. And where I live, the official "geddes keepsake" 3D u/s site is actually my doctor's office. So the tech is actually the tech for the other company and it's the same machine. So she always sneaks a few 3D u/s pictures for me. Coolio.

~ I'm going to schedule my official 3D u/s here soon. I'm 26w this friday and I think I used to get them around 27/28w. Although lord knows I have enough u/s pictures of this special IVF/FET baby, the 3D package is still something special. And plus, I got it done with the 1st two, so that means I have to do it for this one. All you first timers take note - if you go overboard with your first, you are automatically going overboard with each additional baby. With all I have to pay with daycare and u/s and photo shoots and bronzed shoes, I'm going to be living in a van down my the river in no time!

~ THANK you all for your comments to the induction post and for all who answered my IF poll. (there is still one day left to vote!) I'm going to be doing something with that shortly.

My goodness, that was all baby related. Sorry about that. So, for anyone who's gotten this far, let me end it with a question.

If you had to pick losing one of the following senses, what would you choose?
a) hearing
b) taste
c) touch
d) smell
e) sight

Elective Inductions?

What do you all think about ~non~ medically necessary inductions?

Personally, they piss me off. It pisses me off when women ask for them. It pisses me off when doctors offer them.

I just don't get it. Why the fuck would anyone actually go for this?

I think babies should be the ones to decide when they want to come out. The babies signal the mother's body to respond on their time frame. But more and more, I see this is not how it's working. Women ask for it because they are uncomfortable. Doctors push for it to fit their schedules. Please explain to me why this is now deemed acceptable?

Yes, it gets uncomfortable at the end. But that's the way things are. It's not like "comfortable" was ever promised. Virtually every pregnant woman is uncomfortable in the end. It's kind of what we signed up for. Yet this is somehow becoming a real reason to take a baby out before it was time. Or the doctor you really wanted to deliver isn't on call next week, so let's just induce this week? Are you fucking kidding me?

Look, I agree with all medically necessary inductions. I agree with inducing the over-due. I think I agree with medically scheduled c-sections when it's a second baby after the first one was c-sectioned (I don't really have any experience with this one, but I think this falls in the medically necessary.)

I just don't think I could agree with any other reason. I see some that I'd be on the fence with - like daddy is military and on leave for a certain amount of time and if baby doesn't come by x date, he's going to miss the birth. But even in that example, I don't necessarily agree with an induction if baby is just not ready. Would it be sad if daddy missed it? 100%. But do I agree with the risk of an early baby? Even if baby is "full term"? I just don't.

So tell me. Is there any reason out there that would really change my mind? Or am I destined to think all medically unnecessary inductions boils down to selfishness?

Sheesh. Do I post ~that~ much?

I miss a day and get a couple emails asking me if I'm alive. (but I absolutely love that I'm missed!)

I was sick yesterday and still feel like crap. Just general sluggishness.

There is absolutely ~nothing~ going on right now. And I feel to icky to come up with some amazingly fun or interesting post to respond to. I'll try soon. I hate that I don't have anything new to talk about!

Back to work. Lots to do since I missed a day!

~smooches~

A poll for infertiles.

Just a quick question for anyone out there who has ever dealt with infertility... I put a poll out on the very ~bottom~ of the right column for you to answer. Thanks!



(and sorry you have to scroll through so many 'uncomfortable' pictures to get there.)

Things I learned from IF.

I don't know if I can consider myself "infertile" anymore, but I will always know that I went through infertility to get where I am. And after all is said and done in my own journey, completely taking in the fact that I have succeeded, I can say now that I am actually glad I went through infertility.

To be honest, I'm even glad I had to go through the IVF route. I have learned SO MUCH MORE about the real issue of infertility. By actually living through something like this, I've developed a huge understanding of the issue women face. And still face. I would have never known had I not done it. It's unfortunate we IFers have to complain about how the "fertiles" just don't understand. But without going through it, how can we even hope they understand? Only recently have we started chiseling off the tip of the IF iceberg to feed snow cones to the mainstream.

Back to why I actually consider myself lucky. While I think EVERY MOTHER considers herself lucky she got pregnant and while EVERY MOTHER loves their children beyond comprehension, only a mother who suffered IF can actually appreciate the miracle of conception and carrying a child to full term. Hell, even me, who took 18 months to conceive the first time, took my pregnancy for granted. Once I got that second line, it meant I was going to have a baby 9 months later. No doubt about it. I was telling everyone I knew immediately. I started buying cute little baby things. Sure, I knew there was a risk of miscarriage, but it was still a small risk to me. A risk that most likely simply wouldn't happen. So I choose not to worry. And this is what we (IFers) complain about fertiles for. But I have to admit, without going through it, there's just no way for them to know. Hopefully with the whirlwind of IF information hitting the public through the right channels and even through hollywood, it won't take a personal relationship with infertility to understand it.

I think the BEST THING about having to suffer through infertility is I learned the right way to deal with ~anyone~ trying to conceive. I used to tell women "it'll happen!" and now I know some women won't have a child. I've learned to NOT say stupid crap like "there's always next month!". I know not to stuff rainbows and puppydogs up anyone's ass. I learned that the phrase "I'm sorry" was simply the best response I could give. More doesn't need to be said. Just to feel for the woman and to let her know you are sorry for her suffering. That's all I need to say.

One of the biggest things I've learned is how to deal with women who have suffered a loss. True, I've always been sensitive to the issue of pregnancy loss, but there were three things I had wrong:

1) I always thought the "bright" side of m/c was in knowing the woman CAN get pregnant. I thought that was always something at least to hold onto. And now I know losing a child is NOT a bright side of ttc. Knowing you are creating life but can't hold a pregnancy can even be worse on a woman. I will never ever say "at least you know you can get pregnant" ever again.

2) I used to think a chemical pregnancy or any other early m/c was "easier". Now I know losing a child at any stage is not easy. I used to compare the aspect of losing a child at 20 weeks with a chemical pregnancy. Sure, they are different and the mother will handle the loss differently, but no matter what, they are ALL lost children. And I can see now that an early m/c can be even harder for a woman to deal with because she's not getting the support someone who lost a child further along would get. Or she thinks she's not as deserving of support so won't ask for it.

3) I used to think molar pregnancies were also "easier" because it wasn't really a baby to begin with. And while a molar pregnancy was never an actual child, to the woman, it was. They got the joy from the bfp and the pain from the m/c. They felt every single emotion. But to say something like "at least it wasn't a baby you lost" just totally dismisses all these feelings they really felt. I am guilty of saying that to a close friend and I realize how that sucked. I recently apologized for that.

I wouldn't wish infertility on anyone. But since I did go through it, I can appreciate the things it has taught me. And I can honestly say I am glad that I got the opportunity to learn these things. I cringe thinking of all the things I said in the past to IF women who were hurting.

Let's get it going on a Monday

Let's see. It's a monday and from what I've been seeing around in blogland by a quick preview in my google reader, it's not a very good monday for some. So instead of me just adding to anyone else's bad day and just blab on and on about baby crap, let me delve into something completely off topic.

Let me pose a hypothetical situation and then ask a question.

Say you are in some undeveloped country and you are taken in as guests by some native tribe. They throw you a huge party and serve you dinner. As with many countries, it's considered rude to ~not~ eat what they give you.

At dinner, they present you with a plate of food, explaining the dish is made with human meat. No idea where the meat comes from, hell, for all you know it could be from the last guest of theirs who refused to eat. And as the plate is placed in front of you, all eyes are on you to take the first bite, which would allow everyone else to begin.

1. What would you do?

Now let's say you would at least take a bite of human meat. But instead of being presented with an already made plate, they asked you what piece of a human you would eat.

2. What piece of meat would you choose?

A question for the mommies out there ...

I know many of you are using the cloth diapers. I am ready to make that decision (okay, I made the decision) and need to start buying. I've talked to a few of you regarding your choices of the diapers you ended up using, but I want to get them all here in one place. If you use cloth diapers, can you leave a comment on what kind you ended up liking the best and where you got them? Thanks!

Photographic Proof I ~am~ a Dork.

I took some pictures today and snapped some self portraits. I'm in full no-shower-so-pull-hair-back-and-slap-on-some-makeup-that-is-too-colored-for-such-a-pale-girl mode. In my defense, the camera was brought outside to take pictures of the girls (which are displayed on my other blog) and the pictures of me were simply for fun. Self degrading fun, but still fun.

I used some of that "creme powder" thinking I was so smart in using a 2-in-1 type of makeup, until I see what it actually looks like on me. And my eyebrows should not be wearing more makeup than the rest of my face. And good lord, why do my teeth look so yellow? Ick.


This one was evidence of how fucking gigantic my boobs are right now:


Just for comparison, this is how I looked a little more than a year ago. Yeah. So this is kind of a huge change for me.


If I can say one thing about pregnancy, it is that it has done ~wonders~ for my problematic flat belly:


I think it's the orange makeup covered eyebrows that make me SO punk rock, don't you think?:


So I bid you farewell on this fine Saturday evening. Love you all!



Seriously. Have you ever met a bigger dork than me? My guess is no.

Staying up past midnight.

Back in "the day" my nights wouldn't even start until midnight. Yet last night, I got home a few minutes before midnight and I felt like I was a rock star.

Me and my friend, Laurel (no blog, but you see her comments around the blogosphere occasionally) went to a 9:55pm showing of "Burn After Reading". For any of you looking for a movie to see, I ~highly~ recommend it. It's classic Coen brothers, so it's definitely a dark comedy, but I loved it. So did Laurel. It's got an ending that anyone used to the Coen brothers would expect, so if you like movies that have to wrap up all the loose ends and questions, maybe this movie isn't for you.

The cast consisted of a very dorky Brad Pitt, a neurotic George Clooney, a clueless Frances McDormand, a smart ass braniac John Malkovich and a very bitchy Tilda Swinton. There were others in cast who played smaller parts, but their appearances made the movie for what it was. There was Richard Jenkins (the dead dad in Six Feet Under), David Rasche (I remember him most as the detective Sledge Hammer from the late 1980's series of the same name) and last but definitely not least, J.K. Simmons (apparently he's the police chief in the tv show "The Closer", but I remember him most recently as the psychologist on "Law & Order" and as Vern Schillinger in the HBO show "Oz"). Simmons' part was very small in the movie, but I may have laughed hardest at his lines.

Back to my night. Not only was I staying up past midnight, I wore my brand new Buffalo "secret fit belly" jeans:

And I wore my very favorite pair of Michael Kors heels. So yes, in my mind, I was a rock star.

A word about this new fangled "secret fit belly" thing. When shopping a bit for maternity clothes, I kept coming across this description. It's brand new to me, so it wasn't available when I was pregnant with Allison (2005) and I just didn't understand what the big deal was. Full paneled pants have been around forever. And then I tried them on. HOLY CRAP. It is awesome. The panel is ~thin~ and goes all the way up to your bra line, so the seam doesn't show through any of your shirts. I have some great full paneled jeans from the gap, but the stupid panel is a blue, to match the jeans. But the problem is jeans aren't supposed to go up over your entire belly, so having the panel matching the jeans looks ridiculous underneath your shirts. And again, the lack of a big seam across the top of your belly rules. I definitely give this one two thumbs up. Hell, I give it 4 thumbs up since my body technically has 4 thumbs all together for the time being.

My wonderful husband waited up for me last night (even though he had to get up at 6am) and my night continued to be rock star~esque. Let's just say neither of us went to bed until nearly 2am.

note: although I've already been talking about the p-thing in this post, this one goes a little deeper. I'm not one to give too many warnings, as if you are reading this, you probably already have the idea I'm pregnant, but the next paragraph may be a little hard to read if you aren't in the same place as I am. If you are having a hard weekend, just skip the rest and leave your comment before going off to the next blog. (yes, yes, I'm a comment whore. I ~lurve~ me my comments!)

The belly. Mine is now very pronounced and I love it. (Poor Laurel. I kept rubbing it and going on and on about the pants and this and that before I realized "nancy, shut the fuck up because you are talking to one of your ttc-sisters. I apologized, but only after the first good hour. Again, I'm sorry Laurel!) It's not in that super taut yet, so it's still nice and soft. I personally feel ~so~ sexy, but alas, my husband does not. He would rather me keep it covered by a sheet or a pillow when we're "in bed" so he doesn't have to see it during the act. But for me, I want to show it off and I want him to caress me there. Since I know how he doesn't share in my idea of sexy, I try to do what I can.

Last night, I didn't want to hide it. Instead, I slept nude and uncovered and snuggled my back up against his chest. So it was out there, no missing it. Yet I noticed how his hands never touched it. In fact, I noticed how he intentionally avoided it. He would run his hand up my thigh, around my ass, come forward to my hip in that little divot between pubic bone and hip bone. Then he would trace back, moving up my side and then moving in again when his hand was at breast height where he would continue. But he ~never~ touched my belly.

It actually made me a bit sad that he needed to pretend my belly doesn't exist. I think the swollen belly is just so powerful, as it is an outward acknowledgement of our love. Not that a couple needs to experience this during the baby experience, as it manifests it's way differently for a single person or a couple using a surrogate or adopting, but I have the belly so that's how I feel. And I started to think about it more and asked him, "What do you feel/think of when you touch my belly?" He replied, "I think of our child and it's my only way of bonding with him right now." And with that, I understood.

I feel sexy with the belly because it makes me feel like the epitome of being a woman. But to him, the belly signifies the actual child. I can now see how in the throws of making love, he doesn't want to take a moment to bond with his child. I can't be upset/sad about it anymore, now that I understand, but I still wish he could find me as sexy as I feel.

Thank Goodness it's Friday.

I needed this week to end. Too bad it's ending on a bad note here at work. (just a lot of work and aggravation, nothing new and nothing I will take home with me.)

I got a massage today, but unfortunately, I couldn't just go home after it was done. Work stinks.

I'm 24 weeks today, which marks "viability". Except a baby born at 24 weeks has only a 40% chance of survival, so I'm definitely not going to celebrate this milestone. Karl still needs many months of cooking.

I'm wearing cute high heels today and I can't tell you how many people asked "What on earth are you doing in heels?" in one way or another. Um, I'm pregnant. That doesn't mean I have to start wearing flip flops.

That's about that. I'm out. Have a good Friday night everyone!

The Big Baby Penis.

Having two daughters, I obviously have no experience at all with baby boy parts, but doesn't his penis look quite large for a 24w old fetus?


I feel I'm acting like a proud dad, puffing his chest saying "That's my boy!" but I swear I'm not. It seriously looks large to me. Although I will admit my husband is walking around puffing his chest out about it.

Here is a picture of Karl crossing his legs. I love that you can see his little toes on the right:


This picture is simply of his spine. But it's so incredible to me, I asked for a picture:


And finally, a picture of his face. It's the classic "skeletor" style face that is all 2D u/s images. A fraction of a second before she took this picture, he was half turned and I swear it looked much like a 3D. I could almost make out his features. This one definitely isn't the best, as I can barely make it out now. I only know what I'm looking at because I was watching him in action.


Like I said before, this ultrasound was so much fun to watch. I've never seen any of my babies so active in my belly before. Every time the tech would push the transducer on my belly to try to get a specific image, he would kick it. To ~see~ him kick it on the screen, ~feel~ him kick and ~watch~ her hand bounce was hilarious. He kept doing it again and again and she said "it looks like he doesn't want his picture taken!" and she moved to the other side of my belly to get the image from there instead. She started pushing down to maneuver into the best position and I watched (and felt) him roll all the way over and kick her hand away again! Seriously. It's crazy to see and feel such a thing.

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I attended a meeting with the kids' daycare this evening. The daycare used to be owned by a very small daycare company, but due to how large our building is, the owner just didn't have enough equity to keep it running. It's a brand new building in a fabulous location and it's so beautiful. But due to all the building costs, not to mention all the new equipment, furniture, supplies, etc, he just didn't have the ability to stay in it long enough to make a profit. A national daycare corporation recently purchased it and we had the big "we are changing your rates" meeting tonight.

The major difference between this daycare and 95% of daycare centers out there is this one is hourly. You have to give your schedule 2 weeks in advance, but you only pay for the days you need. If I know I'm going to have the kids out one afternoon due to a dentist appointment, I schedule those hours off and I don't have to pay. It's really, really nice. Anyone who is used to daycare knows that for most, you pay a full time rate whether you are there or not. Monday is a holiday? Who cares. You pay the full rate. You only need 4 days a week? You pay the full time rate because part time is usually 3 days. You are taking a 3 day weekend and won't have the kids in on that Friday? You pay the full time rate.

So this daycare ruled for this very reason. I didn't get too much of lower cost because I am a full time day care mom. My kids go 8 hours a day, 5 days a week. But it's nice when there is a Monday holiday and I can schedule it ahead of time. I'm able to save money here and there.

When I heard they were changing their rate structure, I knew what was going to happen. I knew I was going to have to pay a full time rate without being able to take off a day here and there. I just needed that rate to be close to $160/week per child, because that is what I pay now. And I knew I would be paying another $180/week for the baby when maternity leave was over. My future rate was going to be $500/week and it was going to be hard for me to make that, so I couldn't afford any big changes.

Imagine my surprise when the new rate chart given to me tonight was $425/week for the two girls and another $240/week for the baby. This was a ~weekly~ rate of $665! Um, let me cry for a few minutes before even typing that would be a monthly rate of $2,881.67. It was just a few days ago I was saying $2,182.29 was going to be hard for me to pay. I'm now going to have to come up with an additional $699.38!!

I can't even talk about it right now. I have no idea what I'm going to do.

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The new picture of the belly was posted over on the right sidebar (and within the two links).

No baby shower for me and Karl.

This is my 3rd baby and I wouldn't expect to have one of my friends throw another baby shower for me. My friends threw me a huge baby shower with my first and it was everything I could have ever wanted. So for my 2nd baby, we had a "diaper shower" just to celebrate the baby.

Well, this baby is a different gender, so maybe a tad bit more acceptable for a baby shower, but still, I would never agree to a full fledged baby shower. My friend in Phoenix threw Karl a super simple party with only 5 guests, but that is what it was supposed to be. I am forever grateful!

But I was expecting another one here at home, in which all my close friends would attend. My mother was going to throw this one and it was going to be another very simple diaper~esque shower, but since this baby is a boy, some may buy little boy outfits for the baby. I just wanted a little celebration to celebrate him.

I just got off the phone with my mother who informed me they will be leaving to go back to Arizona early (they are retired and live in colorado during summer and arizona during the winter) this year and because of their schedule changes, she won't be able to throw me a shower. She actually just told me "Well, at least you had one in Arizona."

I'm disappointed. I mean, I ~am~ lucky I had that one in Arizona, but I didn't even have pictures taken because we thought my real one would be at home. So I feel like Karl isn't getting celebrated like he should. I don't even have a picture! I know I sound like a bratty pregnant woman complaining that I'm not getting the shower I wanted. I just wish I would have known so I would have taken all the pictures at the out of town one my friend was so generous to throw me.

Do you think it would be weird if Tom and I threw ourselves a "baby celebration" party? Something that would be like a shower? Something I could take all the pictures at? Or would that be totally too weird to throw myself a party? Please tell me what you think!

My body

Just for the hell of it sake ... here is my body in numbers at 23w6d pregnant:

chest: 32"
breasts: 38"
belly: 41"
hips: 38"
thigh: 22"
arm: 12"
weight: 160 lbs.

Fun times.

I have a big appointment in 1.5 hours consisting of an u/s to see mr peapod's growth, NST, BPP and then after all of the testing, my regular 24w OB appointment. I'll update when I get back.

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I'm back. What a cool appointment this was. Sure, it was my 10th u/s for this pregnancy (I know!) but he was ~so~ active this time, it was too fun to watch. I kind of felt like we were playing with him.

So the nitty gritty is everything is still measuring right on track for growth. My fluid levels rock. He has a big baby penis (I finally got a picture of the money shot, which of course, I'll be scanning in tonight to show the world.). The only thing he did not pass on the NST is practice breathing. This he is yet to accomplish, but being only 24 weeks, it's totally normal. We're not worried at all.

The BPP was next and we listened to his heart rate for 30 minutes. It ~did~ drop a few times, but only when he was going nutso and kicking like mad. The NP came in and said she thinks because he's still so small, the hb monitor would just lose it. She does not think he was compressing his cord. We'll have to wait and see what next week's result is. Even if he was momentarily compressing his cord, it's just too early to do anything yet, so I'm not stressing about it now.

My 6th OB appointment came next and me and the OB talked about washers and dryers. My weight was 160 pounds (up 2 from 4 weeks ago, 4 lb total gain) and my bp was normal. Fundus measured in at 24mm and I was told I must have read the pregnancy manual because everything is textbook. Too bad I didn't read the TTC manual, eh?

Now I have to get working to make up all my missed time today. I've got lots to do.

p.s. - the baby is head down now, which is why we saw the drastic change. He must have been in mid repositioning when I lost my belly for a day. And I'll post my 24w belly picture tomorrow and I'll aslo scan in the u/s shots from today.

Home Schooling.

I will be the first to admit I literally know ~nothing~ about home schooling. So as I ask these questions, they are definitely all stemming from my assumptions.

My biggest question is why would anyone want to be home schooled? I can see some reasons, like school is too far or the school absolutely sucks monkey assholes. Or maybe if the kid is a troubled teenager.

But if those things weren't an issue, I don't get why anyone would even ~want~ to be home schooled?

I moved a lot as a kid, every 1-2 years until 9th grade. So I've been to lots of different schools. I've also been in lots of different "cliques" too. I think that was the most eye opening part of my moving a lot was to see how I could fit in virtually anywhere. In one school I would be lumped into the majority of kids. Then I remember in 8th grade, the first girls I met ended up being the geeky girls and there I was for the entire year. And then in 9th grade, I was accepted by what you would consider the cast of the movie "mean girls" and I was ultra popular. (which, sucked! I hated being so mean to others all the time.) Until 10th-12th, I found myself, so to speak, and was a skater girl who listened to punk rock.

So even though I was in lots of different groups growing up, I always liked the social aspect of school. How to home schooled kids get to experience this? How do they learn to deal with the drama and heartbreak that comes with school? How do they get to experience something as simple as the Homecoming dance? Or, on the opposite side, how do they learn to manage their disappointment from not getting invited?

I just feel like I would have missed out on so much if I had been home schooled.

But then again, I don't understand what the pros of homeschooling really are. Maybe the pros would outweigh all of the cons wrapped around the social aspect.

Input?