new years parties

rule! Yay for babysitters and alcohol!

My jealousy issues revisited.

Let me preface this by saying I know I'm blessed beyond words for my 3 children. I started out wanting 2 and I got 3. We are the perfect family. I know this. I'm just having difficulty in saying goodbye to pregnancy and I want to discuss some thoughts I had. Please don't judge me and send me hateful comments. Thanks. (like someone who would send me hateful comments to begin with would see my plea and not do it!)

Okay.

I've mentioned how I'm really jealous over other pregnancies I see. Just having to come to the conclusion it's a chapter of my life which is over with is tough. So seeing others go through pregnancy is hard. It's a different "hard" than "IF hard" though. When I saw other pregnancies when I was actively trying to conceive, it was a shitload harder. "They" had something I was trying to get myself. So the jealousy was a different monster than what I have now.

What I have now is the jealousy that I'll ~never~ feel it again. And I got to comparing it to someone who has decided to live child free due to infertility (I know there are many reasons why this decision would come into play, but I'm focusing on this one reason). And NO - I'm not saying it's the same thing! I'm just thinking of how the two are similar, like as in the feelings of finality each one entails. And in this small little way, I feel a little closer to the girls who are living child free as a permanent decision. And as sad as I feel for myself, my heart aches that much more for each woman who is in this place without being able to experience pregnancy.

I got my tubes tied like an idiot, so I'm not going to even get a chance at an "oops" pregnancy. I'm done. Finished. Kaput. The decision of "living without another pregnancy" was made and I must stick by that decision no matter how much I don't want to. If you ask my husband, he wouldn't call me getting my tubes tied an idiot move. He'd call it a smart move. He doesn't want anymore children. It's me who does. But the lines between wanting to have more children and wanting to be pregnant again are very blurry.

Last night, as AF made a surprise appearance, I had an epiphany about my period. I shared it with my husband, but all I got was a nod. Heh. Anywho, I never understood how women didn't know more about their AFs - like when it was due or when ovulation happened or whatnot. And then it hit me. I NEVER let my body do what it does naturally. Until now. See, I didn't get my period until I was 16 (I was a competitive gymnast growing up and it effected my puberty) and I went on the pill before I was 17. The only time I got off the pill was for TTC reasons - so I kept track of my cycle. So I always knew when AF would make an appearance - on the pill I was regular down to the hour and when I was ttc, I was on full red alert (no pun intended).

So here I am. My tubes are tied so I have no need for the pill. My cycles have been ~fucked up~ in regards to timing. I'm having anything between a 13 day cycle to a 27 day cycle. I know some of the fucked-up-ness is due to the cortisone shots in my spine (remember me telling you the doctor told me that the injections could "mess up" my cycle?) but I don't know what else could me screwing with it. All my talking shit about women who were clueless about their cycles is coming back to me threefold. Karma, eh?

Where am I going with this post? Oh yes, my jealousy. More than that though, my sadness. I'm brokenhearted I won't have another child. And with that statement comes some massive guilt. I'm jealous over not being able to feel something ~again~. Why can't I just be happy with what I have? Wow, that comes out really wrong. I AM happy with my 3 beautiful, wonderful, amazing children. I even got blessed in the aspect of having a ~boy~ after two girls. I have everything I asked for. And yet I want more. I'm SO fucking lame.

Honestly though, I haven't completely shut the door on the chance of having more children. I may just go through IVF again. Highly doubtful, but also possible. (Sure, as possible as winning the lottery!) And there is also adoption. I may be offered a child in some random situation. Back when I was ttc Karl, we were offered a baby from an acquaintance who was trying to find a home for her neice's child who was going to be put up for adoption. So things happen. And as rare, random and not possible they are, it's never 100%, right?

Thanks for sticking with me through this entire random post. I'm surprising myself with the intense feelings of jealousy I am having. I'm jealous over things I've already been through. And there's another thing - I'm quite a bit older now. 95% of the girls going through their pregnancies right now - beit their first or second - are way younger than I. I'm at the age where I wanted to be done with pregnancies and raise my children. The pregnant girls are in their child making years (totally generalizing here!) and I am past that.

My goodness. I'm rambling. Thanks again! Here's an OOTB ("out of the blue") question ... What is your favorite candy bar? (and if you don't eat candy, let's pretend someone was holding a gun to your head to pick out and eat that candybar.) I'll tell you my favorite in the comments.

A little explanation about the giving/getting

My entire point about giving/getting meant that for every GIVE out there, it was a GET to someone. So in the end, it's ALWAYS about getting - regardless of the ~who~ gets the getting. I think it's great to give to others who may need it (i give way more than i get in return) but at the end of the giving, it's a get.

Anywho - just didn't want you all to think ~I~ was all about getting. Just that giving, in its definiton, is about someone GETTING. So it IS about the getting (and all the giving it takes to make those getting get!)

And if you are wondering where I am or will be the next few days - check out my other blog.

(a little private message to marieke ... ~smooches~ !!)

Christmas is all about GETTING. And another Nancy Story.

I touched on this subject on my other blog, but I'll just repeat myself here. People who are all about "the holidays are for giving" piss me off. If you give, someone is getting. So without getting, there'd be no giving. So get off your high horses and admit ~getting~ is freaking fantabulous.

Hrm. What is next in line of Nancy Stories?

"Talking" shit.

I was a regular at a bar called Murphy's Pub back in my college days. I knew the staff. I knew the other regulars. I was as comfortable in the pub as I was in my own living room. Which also means, I was comfortable with talking shit to anyone who happened to walk in the doors.

It all started with me having to pee. I walk in the bathroom and do my business. When I came out of the stall to wash my hands, there was a girl and a guy in there, him bent over unzipping her pants. I give the "what the fuck" look to her and she says, with a very thick east coast accent, "I can't do it myself!" holding up her very long fake nails.

Without skipping a beat, I respond with "Maybe not being able to go to the bathroom by yourself is a hint you should stay home" and I walked out without waiting for a response.

The door FLEW open behind me and in all her eastern (new york, maybe?) rage, she screams "Are you twalking shit to me?!!!"

I say, "No. I'm TALKING shit to you. I t-a-l-k shit, not t-w-a-l-k shit."

She came unglued and went after me. It unnerved me actually, as I wasn't (and still am not) a fighter, but her big hair and long fingernails dove into me. She grabbed a hold of my hair (nice) and I was against the wall. I couldn't do anything. My head hurt SO much (seriously, there is something about the hair pulling thing. That fucking hurts.) I was rendered motionless. I tried to kick her off of me, but any movement made my head hurt worse. That's when my friend Tim (yes, a guy) punched her in the back of the head which made her pull out a square inch of scalp off my head. Ah. At least I was released from her grasp.

She was immediately grabbed by a staff member and thrown out of the bar. I stood behind the staff guy who was telling her to leave and not return nodding my head in agreement. Like I was the shit or something - when in actuality, I was hiding behind the guy, afraid to get more hair pulled. I'll admit that I was the loser in whatever kind of fight it was.

As the melee calmed down, everyone was asking me if I was okay and I was nodding yes. Except my head hurt bad. Damn, being scalped fucking hurt bad. It was at this time some guy walked up to me, holding out his hand to me saying "here's your hair back" and I notice there was a gigantic hunk of hair and scalp in his hand. Ewww. "Um, thanks dude".

Nancy's way of going out BIG.

I was a good student. I can't help it - school is easy for me. Hence me being half way through my nursing program and if I just took a year of physics, I'd have another bachelor's degree in computer science. But I digress ...

When I was going through my first bachelor of science degree at Arizona State University, there was a HUGE party to celebrate the end of school one night. The problem was, it was the night before my very last final, which was scheduled at 7:15am. But I was flying in that class - all I had to do is show up and even GUESS on every answer and I'd still get an A. I figured out I had to get something like 4 right to keep my A.

So I partied. And partied. And partied. The last thing I remember was holding up a shot of jack daniels and saying "I have my last final exam in 3 hours!" and down the shot goes into my belly. Shortly thereafter, I pass out.

I wake up in a start, look at a clock and see it's 9 something. HOLY SHIT. I missed my final. I race out the door, probably a little still drunk, get to school which was conveniently down the street from the apartment I was partying at and RUN to class.

I come face to face with my teacher whom I start begging him to let me take my final. I slurred out some excuse about working late and sleeping through the alarm, but come on, I reeked of booze. I should of told him the truth. Anywho - he refused to let me take the exam but he did let me turn in my paper for HALF CREDIT. Grrrr. I ended up getting a freaking ~C~ in that class. I guess it could of been worse though, he could of failed me!

The dead body in the dumpster and behind my car.

When I graduated college, I moved to where my brand spanking new job was - Central Phoenix. My apartment was awesome. I loved it. But the neighborhood? Let's just say I have a few stories. I'll tell the one very short one about the body in the dumpster and the one about the dead body behind my car.

The dead body in the dumpster

Well, um, there was a dead body in the dumpster. That pretty much wraps up the whole story. I got up to go to work and I pass by the dumpster which is 1 car space and a driveway width away from my car and well, there apparently was a dead body in there. At least the killer was nice enough to clean up after himself.

The dead body behind my car

I am ~always~ late. Not by much - maybe 5-15 minutes, but always late. It sucks. So I was running out to my car to get going to work, maybe in the <5 minutes late zone and since I was getting shit at work lately, I needed to leave.

Except when I got up to my car, there were all kinds of police standing around and a body shaped tarp laying on the pavement, behind my car. I walk up to the police. What's going on? "We've got a body, waiting for homicide" I'm told. I walk up closer as no one is telling me to stay away, and I realize its just the guy's bottom legs that are behind my back tire by seeing the outline of the guy's shoes.

Me: "Can you move the guy so I can back my car out? I gotta get to work."
Cop: "No we can't move him. Gotta wait for homicide."
Me: "How about you just lift up his legs while I back up?"
All 4 Cops: {dead pan stare}...
Me: "Okay, but some one's going to have to call my boss."

I had someone come pick me up from work who verified YES, a dead body was blocking my way to work. I wasn't considered late. :)

For my 1,000th post, I give you, Scary Guy Pills.

I wanted to retell one of the funniest stories in my repertoire. You've heard it before if you've been a long time reader, but I promise, it'll still make you laugh. in fact, since I've been at a little lull in my blogging lately, I'm going to make an effort to tell a lot of my "nancy stories" here. Many people say I should write a book. Maybe I'll just write here ...

Scary Guy Pills

I lived in central phoenix after college. Not quite the suburbs if you know what I mean.

One day at lunch, I ran out to the bank to put in a deposit. I had to turn left into the bank and there was a lot of traffic. I pulled in the middle lane to wait for my turn. When I pulled into the lane, I was face to face with another car who was waiting for his turn to go. I assumed (wrongly) that he was waiting to turn left also.

I don't know how it is in all states, but in Arizona, it's illegal to use the turning lane as a merging lane. You use the lane to turn left. Period. Not to to merge into it first, wait for a space, and then continue to go forward. See, I used to get a lot of tickets in my teenage years and I've been to traffic school ~a lot~.

When oncoming traffic cleared, I went to turn left. At the same time, the guy who was facing me in the turning lane, went to merge into traffic, so he almost hit me. Yeah, he was in the lane first, but since he was making an illegal maneuver, I had the right of way, so I flipped him off (as anyone in Phoenix would do) and continued on my turn into the bank.

There I was, waiting my turn in the drive through. I was up at the little tube thingy, putting in my deposit, and I notice the same car drive through a closed bank lane and park perpendicular to the exit of my lane, blocking me in. This huge black guy comes out (doesn't make any difference to the story that the guy was black. But I was a little tiny white girl, so he was that much more intimidating to me) and starts screaming at me.

The whole bank is watching.

I want to look at "cool" as possible, so I start smart mouthing the guy, even though I should of just apologized so he would cool down. While he's barraging me with curse words, I'm smiling as big as possible, nodding my head saying "uh-huh. You don't say? Really? Wow." This is infuriating him even more. But I persist.

As he basically runs out of curse words and is silent for more than a second, I look to him and say "Are you done? Cause if you are, maybe you should go home and take some more Scary Guy Pills."

No fucking clue where that came from. But I was quite happy with how it sounded. Rarely do you get a good "come back" in the moment.

At that, he stopped, cocked his head in confusion, put his left hand on the opening of my open car window and with his right hand, punched me directly in the face.

Things go black.I woke up to 1) blinding pain in my face 2) about every male customer on top of this guy, keeping him away from me and 3) the entire bank in the drive through window watching the melee. Awesome.

The guy stood up and the men stayed between me and him. He did some more cursing and got into his car and left. Police were called who gave me a lecture for getting into a confrontation with the man to begin with - scolding me over the idea "what if he had a gun?". Well, he didn't have a gun and he punched me. Can we focus on that? I'm the victim here!

The car ended up being stolen and they never found the guy. I had a wicked black eye and bruised cheekbone. And my mom was right - some day my mouth WAS going to get me into trouble.

Moral of this story? Confusing a very mean man can get you punched in the face. But it's a good story, no?

I've had a rough week.

Whew. I felt like I was crawling out of my own skin all week but I'm feeling better everyday. We got our Christmas tree and now it's time to decorate it. It may just be completed today. Woot!

Hope all is well in blogland. I'll sneak back in. Off to write for the cereal killer girls!

A request

Please stop by and give some internet love to Cece. Her world has just been turned upside down as her newborn daughter just passed away unexpectedly. It's also her son's first birthday.

As you can imagine, she needs all the support we internets can muster.

oy vey. I'm sick sick sick.

I've got the chills. My tummy is pissed off at me. I'm puking in the trashcan next to the bed.

I'm pretty hot, eh?

Yeah, this is day four of the energy zapping crud I have. Seriously. It's hard just to sit here and type. But if I lay in bed any longer I'm going to go insane. I can't get comfortable and I'm constantly cold. At least if I move around I can start to warm my feet up again.

Last night I drug myself out of bed to go to my husband's holiday party. I was a horrible date. Usually I'm way more fun but I just couldn't muster the energy. Oh, and my husband's coworker's pregnant wife was at our table and I was so jealous! She tried hard for this pregnancy though, so I am happy for them. They've had failed IVFs and succeeded spontaneously. Yay for them. She sat there with her hand on her belly. It was so sweet. I wanted to punch her in the face reach out and feel her belly. But I kept my hands to myself. Oh, the story of me eating the pin? It was while I was making a baby blanket for her.

I just watched the movie Alive yesterday. That movie just makes my skin crawl. Not because they had to eat their dead companions to stay alive, but that it was SO cold. Last night, when we left the party, it was ONE degree outside. It just brought my mind to how I would never ever make it if I was one of the survivors of that plane crash. I could eat a person, sure, but survive the cold? No fucking way. 72 days in the andes? The story is nothing short of a miracle.

Anywho, time to go lay back down. I hate being sick!

The green monster is alive and well.

SO many women I was pregnant with are pregnant again. As I read their posts, I'm sharing in all their happy moments - feeling movement for the first time, hearing the hearbeats, growing bellies, maternity clothes, etc.

And I am JEALOUS AS HELL.

Yes, I was blessed to feel 3 babies grow inside me. And I have 3 children to show for it. But, as I have said before, I'm having a hard time with the fact it's all over.

And then I think of my friends who have had to close their TTC journeys with the knowledge they'll never feel a pregnancy at all. And I feel like a giant jerk. How in the world can I have these feelings with being blessed 3 times over? Yet, I can't help how I feel.

So I ask you all out there - is there any feelings you have that you feel it's awful for you to feel? Even non-if related. I'm curious how normal (or not normal) I am.

I just got the girls pierced.

Yay.

I've been wanting to get my nipples pierced forever and since my nipples are all mine now, I got it done.

And guess what? It didn't hurt. At all. Weird.

I fixed it! (and some other notes from my life)

First and foremost - I freaking FIXED the problem I've been having with my google reader. It's been driving me freaking bonkers - it would load the first blog I clicked on but would just hang on loading the next. I have been trying to read blogs for the past few weeks and I just couldn't get through the loading exceptions. I tried everything. I disabled all add ons, even launching in safe mode. I reinstalled the browser. I cleaned up any and all issues with the OS. Everything. And I just ran across a fix - just bring up reader in secure mode instead of http. AH-HA! So now I can finally get back to commenting to my peeps. It's been driving me absolutely fucking insane. And now it's fixed. Yay!

Secondly and thirdly... Here's some randomness I gathered from reading the latest issue of parenting magazine.

~ birth control ads piss me off. Especially the IUD ones where they talk about taking it out to get pregnant "when you want". Fuck off.

~ There is an ad for a book with the description "It's a tale of [a couple] succeeding despite the odds: a passionate marriage, sisters who love each other and the bravery in the face of evil". Succeeding despite a passionate marriage? A great sisterhood? Bravery? Why is that a "despite"?

~ I have a few more comments but since they are more child related, I'll continue this list on my other blog.

Other than that, I just am trying to get caught up in my blog reading.

How is everyone out there? Anything new to report???

I love it.

The carrier, that is.

It came on Wednesday, moments before we left to go out of town for the big turkey day. After the kids went to sleep, I got it out and played with it. It's got quite an instruction book!

So far, I've carried Karl and:
~ made thanksgiving dinner with him on my back
~ went for a walk with him on my hip
~ cleaned up after breakfast with him on my back

It's a great carrier. So thanks to everyone who responded to my carrier question. You girls rule!

My blankets.

I make the typical fringed fleece blankets with some upgrades ...

~ I only use the very softest non-pill fleece. It's way more expensive, but it allows the blanket to hold up to time.

~ I do not tie the fringes. I personally don't like the knots; I don't want to be laying on lumps.

~ I "quilt" the two layers together using a decorative stitch. I go all the way around the circumference first, then horizontally and vertically, making square patterns through the blanket itself. This keeps the two pieces of material together so it doesn't slip.

I know it's nothing fancy, but it's my only crafty talent. And I'm on a blanket kick right now. In the past few weeks, I've made:
~ 2 baby blankets for two people at my husband's work
~ 1 large blanket for mommybird (it was my "first person to comment gets something handmade from me" post)
~ 1 large blanket for my husband's birthday
~ 1 large blanket for ME (the first one I made myself)
~ 1 baby blanket for Karl.

Here is a picture of the ones I made my family. From left to right is: brown/blue one for me (same exact one I made mommybird); Crazy green and yellow one my husband picked out for himself; blue and orange tonka truck one for Karl...



I have 2 more in queue to be made for Christmas too. I think I'm close to being blanketed out!

Who is on your "list"?

Jenn and I talked about the "list" we both have. You know - the one from Friends. The list of 5 people who you would be allowed to get involved with and have a pass with your husband.

Mine are:
~ Michael Pitt
~ Edward Norton
~ Ewan McGregor
~ Brandon Boyd
~ Heather Graham

Who are on your list?

Welcome to the world K.

My BFF delivered her daughter yesterday. And while she doesn't blog nor would want me blogging about her, blogging is such a big part of my life - I feel weird not mentioning it.

So welcome to the world baby K. You are already so loved. Love, "aunt" nancy.

I bought a carrier (children mentioned again)

Wow! Thanks for all the recommendations!

After all your comments and researching different models, I ended up purchasing an Ergo carrier. As K77 pointed out, I do have back issues and having a double shouldered one was definately smart. I liked the style and the functions, so I bought it. I'll let you know how happy I am with it when I get it.

Thanks again :)

I need a sling (children mentioned)

Do any of you mommies have a recommendation for a sling for an older baby? I adored my baby bjorn, but karl is too heavy for me to use it anymore. I need a sling I can use to attach him to my hip so I can cook/clean/etc with him. One that will allow me to have at least one arm free.

Anyone?

This is the day and life of a pin.

Many of you are asking about the pin, so I thought I'd go ahead and update you. The pin. Yeah. No idea. I haven't had an xray since last week Wednesday. But here are some awesome WAY TMI updates about it. (seriously, click away now. it's way too much.)

~ Last week I knew it was still in because I tried to have, um, "relations" and I had to stop because it felt like I was being stabbed. Literally. Last night, it didn't hurt anymore.

~ Two days ago I went to the bathroom and it was all bright red blood. So much I thought I started my cycle. But, yeah, I didn't. But the next time I went there was no blood.

So. I don't know. Those things could of happened due to where the pin was and what position it was in ~or~ it was on it's way out and it scratched me? I don't know. BUT, I did have an MRI on monday for my lower back and they didn't find any crazy bleed (yes, they knew about the pin, said it wasn't a big deal. Let me keep all my metal piercings in too - said the MRI isn't actually that bad with metal, I'd feel a pull/vibration, but it wouldn't pull out of my body or anything), but then again, it was on my spine so I don't know if they'd look at anything else. If I have any other symptoms, I'll do back to doctor. If not, I'm assuming all is good and the pin is in my past. I have three more blankets to make and the large ones take me 6 or so hours each, so I promise not to eat popcorn at the same time as pin removal. :) (Thanks to everyone who asked about my condition!)


A few updates ...

~ I double dated on Monday night and we went to see the Pixies in denver. Great fucking show. They played the ENTIRE doolittle album, as it was the "doolittle tour" because it's the anniversary of the album or something like that. They played the entire album in order. Wow. And then for their ~third~ encore, they played "where is my mind" which isn't on the album. It was fucking amazing.

~ I have a fashion show this sunday of my burlesque friends' clothes making company. I went to a fitting session last night and got to try on super fun clothes. If I had to explain the type of clothes they are, I'd say they are rockabilly. Awesome. I get to wear a halter top and then a little halter jumper. Super cute.

~ Monday comes my 2nd spine injection with the new doctor. They put me under a bit of anesthesia and then do the injections so I'm not worried at all. I hope it brings me some relief.

~ Pumpkin ice cream fucking rocks.

~ I'm starting to wear liquid eye liner and holy cow, it's hard to put on. I look stupid half the time but I figure I need to keep practicing if I want it to eventually look good. Kudos to you out there who can do this and look good. I want to have fake eyelashes too, but I'd need Laurel to put them on me everyday (she put some on my for halloween and it looked amazing!)

~ Kristin sent me some super cool halloween knee socks. Thanks Kristin!!!

Alrighty. I think that's it. Happy Wednesday!

The~Real~LifeOfNancy in pictures. (and a funny ending!)

Jenn has discovered the ~real~ life of me on her visit. The aspect where I'm really not exciting and fun!

We had a wonderful time hanging out, but we spent most of the time just in the house, not doing much. But come on, we had ~4~ kids with us who had to nap and sleep early and whatnot. When I picked up Jenn at the airport, it was one of the first questions I asked her, "Do you want to plan to do a bunch of stuff or let babies rule?" "Let babies rule" was her answer, so we did.

Thursday - She had a long day of traveling, so we stopped and got food on the way home from the airport then hung out together without my kids, whom were all in school. We realized we felt like old friends immediately and there was no awkwardness! She even brought me tons of gives. The magnets, shot glasses and over the knee socks (which I already spoke of in the last message). We went to get Ella and then went to the grocery store to get stuff for the menu we made up for the 5 days she'd be here (with 6 people to feed, you gotta be planned out!) and we just did exactly what we said we'd do - we let the babies rule.

Karl trying on Jenn's handmade sweater and hat ...




Here are Caiden and Karl hanging out at one of the toys ...




Karl was enthralled with miss Caiden ...




Jenn actually got a picture of "the grin" of Karl's, the one I've been trying to get on camera for awhile ...




Friday - I got up to get Ella off to school and Jenn and Caiden slept in. I was happy they were able to recharge their batteries after such a long trip the day before. Once awake, we all got ready and everyone, minus Tom and Ella, got packed into the car for the drive to Northwest Denver. We were meeting Lavender Luz (Lori) from the fantastic blog, "Weebles Wobblog ... and we don't fall down".

Can you believe three of us didn't take a picture? Yeah, we suck! So we eat a nice lunch at Noodles then go across the street and take the kids to, no other place than a liquor store! It was a huge one and we picked up a few bottles of belgium bear, guinness, pear cider and wine. Mmmmm.

We got home in time to get Ella from school at 3:30 and spent the rest of the evening just chillin. We ended up making a big spaghetti dinner and sat around with full bellies...




When they were all together (which was all the time) things were a bit overwhelming! ...




Saturday - The day was spent at home playing around and then we got ready for some bad ass Roller Derby!

Mommy and Karl watching some awesome girls ...




We got a box seat so we could spread out a blanket and have room for the kids to play, which we found to be a great plan. Here are the babies (and Ella) watching derby from their seats ...




Sunday - We woke up to SNOW! (maybe 4-5 inches) so we ended up having a snow day. Our tentative plans for the day were all outside and we didn't want to go to the mall or something like that, so we stayed in and kept warm.

It certainly didn't seem like Karl got the idea of "staying warm" ...




Miss Caiden had never seen snow, so we brought in some to the house. She'd take a big handful and just stuff it in her mouth, just ignoring how cold it must have been. When I took it away from her, she got PISSED, so we let her play with it until it was pretty much all gone ...




Monday - We got Ella off to school at 8am, then Karl and Allison went to school at 9:45a. Miss Caiden went down from a nap since she didn't sleep well (she got her FIRST TOOTH!) so I went out and got some coffees for me and Jenn and we just took our time relaxing and packing Jenn up to go home. She had to be at the airport at noon, so we didn't have much time. I planned on taking them to downtown area to walk around but forgot miss caiden needed that nap. Instead, Bay (Laurel) from the blog Simply Bay's Place, came over to meet Jenn and Caiden. (Laurel was in a car accident last week so stop by and give her some nice healing comments please!). When it was time to go, off we went to the airport.


All in all, it was a GREAT visit. Jenn even left Caiden's blanket for us to keep because it ~perfectly~ matched, like no joking, Karl's room. She made it herself and I thought she accidentally left it so I packed it up in a box to ship back, only to get a message from her that she meant to leave it as a thank you gift. She's fucking awesome. It was just too much of a gift, but she insisted, so we have a new favorite blanket for Karl.

True, we didn't do much, but with 4 kids to content with, we actually did quite a bit! I hope she had as nice as a time as I did.


And now for a "Nancy story" - you know, one of those things that can only happen to me.

I have been coughing this weekend due to a tickle in my throat. I have a runny nose so Jenn suggested it was from that, which I agree with. I just keep coughing and I cough until I gag. And then occasionally, I gag until I throw up.

So. I'm driving home from the airport and I start coughing. Then gagging. I do NOT want to throw up while driving, so I'm telling myself "Don't puke. Don't puke. Don't puke." I roll down my window for air and try to take deep breaths. But it doesn't work.

PUKE.

My mouth was overly full, I couldn't swallow it. Thankfully I have my window open. Unfortunate I have my seatbelt on. So I simply bend over and puke on my lap.

Seriously. What is wrong with me? I don't puke on the floor or OUTSIDE the freaking car. I puke on my lap.

Oh. And I had just finished a starbuck's mocha so it was a chocolate puke. Nice.

(p.s... these were pictures Jenn left for me and there were NO pictures of her on them! But I took lots of pictures and once I download them from my phone, I'll put some more up.)

Jenn is here.

Jenn and her little girl, Caiden are here! They are both ~amazing~. We're getting along just like old friends.

I'm so happy.

Hatred is alive and well.

Sheesh, I take a few days off from the internet and I find anonymous hatred is still alive and well. How sad. When I see comments like that, I think about how sad their lives must be to lash out to someone they probably don't even know. If being mean to me made their lives better, then so be it. I'm happy to allow a little bit of happiness into their lives.

While someone was thrashing me on my blog, I was in the hospital. I'm embarrassed to even admit what happened, but here it goes ...

I was eating popcorn while making blankets. (mommybird, your blanket went out in the mail yesterday! yay!) I was taking out the pins while I went and also taking handfuls of popcorn. Somewhere my hands got confused, I took out a pin and before I knew it, I swallowed it. I just sat there in shock thinking OMG, I just ate a pin! I told my husband and he told me to call the doctor. I did and they sent me to the Emergency Room. Awesome.

I got an xray right away and went back to the waiting room. Within 2 minutes, I was being called back, the nurse telling me a doctor looked at it and didn't want me to wait. I was put in a bed and leaned way back, feet in the air, to help the pin stay in my stomach. The GI staff was called in (a nurse, a tech and the doctor) and I was put out as they scoped my stomach. I woke up halfway through the procedure and started fighting the scope and they put some more in my IV to get me back to sleep. I woke up later, when I was supposed to, and they told me they couldn't get it. After a consult with the surgeon, I was sent home with instructions to see my PCP the next morning.

I've been getting daily xrays now and the pin seems to be making its way through my GI tract. They want me to "look" for it, but hell no, I just can't do it. I'll just wait until the xray shows it's clear. My next one is tomorrow.

Moral of the story? Don't eat popcorn and sew at the same time.

Honking.

I HATE it when people honk outside a house. Seriously, can't people GET OUT OF THEIR CARS anymore? Like is it that hard to park and walk to the door?

I have a great honking story from best friend and fellow blogger Laurel (aka Bay). She actually got up out of bed, early in the morning, and bitched out a woman honking outside her neighbor's house. It's an awesome story, but I don't have time to type it all out right now, but I will soon. Keep an eye out for it.

What do strangers do which bugs the hell out of you?

Tuesday

I had quite a weird day. I was so exhausted, I literally could stop myself from falling in and out of consciousness until about noon. Then I felt lightheaded all day. I really thought I'd pass out. But I finally ate a banana and drank some oj, now I feel better.

Your list of pet peeves was fun. I'm glad most of you said you'd never actually tell the writer it irked you, but instead just list them out here. There's a difference between thinking something vs acting on it. Most of you have good hearts.

I made two baby blankets this weekend and now I have the one I'm making for mommybird all laid out and ready for pinning. I make those classic tassled fleece blankets, but I put in a few extra hours of work by "quilting" it with decorative seems and cross stitching. And I don't knot it. It makes for a much softer and streamlined blanket. Lots of work, but worth it!

Time for bed. Nighty night!

Sent from my Verizon Wireless BlackBerry

What are your grammatical pet peeves?

I was recently commented upon (anonymously) in which it was pointed out I use parenthetical phrases too much. Which is funny since I have pointed it out myself multiple times.

It got me thinking about my own grammatical pet peeves. I would never point out these peeves to a writer, but I do have my own and I'm assuming you have your own too. I know we've discussed these here before, but let's go over them again.

~ The misuse of "loose" vs "lose". It happens so often!

~ "Angel" vs "angle". Its such a huge difference!

~ Spelling errors. I'm not talking about the random typo here and there, but when someone really can't spell a majority of words, use spell check!

~ Using the word "that" superfluously. If the sentence can still be read without the word, it doesn't need to be there. I think this is my biggest pet peeve. The word "that" sticks out when I read like a neon sign.

~ Using nonexistent words "irregardless" and "supposably". The latter makes me cringe!

"That" is my list of everything I can think of off the top of my head. What are your pet peeves?

The "worst" part ...

(continuation of last post) The craziest part wasn't even the time nor cold. But that I was on the side of my house, BEHIND the cars. The entire front of our house was turned off - jack-o-lanterns blows out, orange lights unplugged, big blow up pooh bear deflated, porch light OFF.

So these people skipped the front of the house, came up driveway, went behind the cars to find me 15 feet back from the front of the garage, sitting on a bucket, packing up papers.

I'm still shocked at it.

Oh, and I had the oldest trick-or-treater last night too! It was a mom and a grandma taking their group of children around. We give out good candy, those nice and big candy bars (reese's, hershey's, milk duds, etc...) and I let everyone take 2 each until it gets late and based on my supply (which is always over) I let them take 3-4 each.

Well, the kids go back to the adults and apparently told the grandma what I was giving out because next thing I know, a woman wearing jeans and a sweatshirt came up to me and said "trick or treat" and stuck out her hand. She took 2 out of the bowl and said "happy halloween" and left. People - the woman was well into her late 60s! Or maybe this was just a REALLY good halloween costume and she was really an 8 year old kid.

Trick or Treat now? Are you kidding me?

I was just sitting outside on the ~side~ of my house bagging some newspapers for recycling, complete with a clay facial mask on, and two adults carrying their little girl, no more than 18 months old, came up and said "trick or treat".

It's 10:45pm here people. And 39 degrees. Are you serious? Take your little girl home and put her to bed. It's just too late for free candy.

It's over and done with.

I did it!!! I danced in front of an entire room of people. I was terrified, yet once my music started, my body knew what to do. I think. Heh. On stage, I just went into auto pilot and I'm not too sure how well I even did.

The night kinda sucked in time wise. On of my best friend's and fellow blogger, Laurel, put on her HUGE yearly Halloween party last night. I was able to attend the party from 7p-9p, then I had to go to the venue. I was planning on going back to her house and come back when it was my time, but I was so nervous I took a few liquid courage shots and decided I shouldn't be driving back and forth with alcohol in my system. So while I was watching the show, waiting for my turn, I had massive guilt to not be there with my husband and friends.

The dance, however, was thrilling for me. I didn't take off the same amount of clothes as other girls, as many took off their pants to go to thongs or even a g string - I kept everything waist down on. And I dance to 80% of the song with my body mostly covered, I don't take my corset off until the last 30 seconds, even then, I just tease the audience with opening one side than another, then I turn my back to the audience while I drop it.

As soon as my dance was over (I was the LAST girl dancing!) we had a group number called "bombshell" and we danced to that and then had graduation. We got our little diploma, picture taken and then did a shot of jager in celebration. The audience was SO supportive and amazing. I guess it helped they were all liquored up by the time us newbies went on!

I didn't take any pictures of me in my burlesque costume, but I leave you with some I took of my Halloween costume. Me, Laurel and our friend Tina were the Sanderson sisters from Hocus Pocus. I'll post the pictures of the 3 of us together when I get them.

I was sarah jessica parker's character. Heavy makeup, fluffy shirt underneath corset and boobies popping out...




The bottom was red thigh highs and tall black boots, underneath a flowy purple skirt...




It was fun. Except I didn't get back to the party until ~very~ late (12:30am) but we had a babysitter until 3am. Yahoo!! I got up with the kids at 7am though. There is always a downside to staying up late when you've got kids - they don't recognize when mommy and daddy want to sleep in! So 6:45am was it!

I ~got~ this routine.

Tonight's the big night.

It's Laurel's big halloween party AND it's my night to dance to my burlesque routine.

Woohoo!!!

I think I'm ready. Yay!

I want a baby.

I just wrote another post on my other blog and I said "I know my audience". Yet I type the above title and write this post.

Jeez, I can barely get started because I'm wincing at all the "fuck you"'s I'm about to receive. So really, just stop reading if you are in the throws of IF. Stop. Really. You aren't going to want to read this.

I am having a really hard time reading pregnancy blogs right now. Especially the ones of the girls who was pregnant while I was pregnant with Karl.

I don't know what it is. Is it because I know I'm done? Or is it because Karl is starting to grow out of his babyness? Or is it because so many blogs I read are close to delivering? Or because so many blogs I read are just getting pregnant again? (yes, I know. I'm so sorry to even be typing these words.)

I'm trying to work out how I can get another baby "in" before I really say I'm done. Isn't that absolutely crazy? I'm freaking naturally "infertile" so I can't have a baby without IVF. And to top it off, I scarred, ON PURPOSE, the insides of my tubes "just in case".

I'm going insane.

It's just that since my circumstances have changed, I don't want to be done. If I'm going to be a stay at home mom (for now), I may as well have all the babies I "want". (go ahead - tell me to fuck off.). I don't want to stop and say I'm all done. I want to take it all back. I want to leave that door open. I can't believe I locked, and threw away, the key.

I'm jealous. I'm absolutely green with envy. Not at anyone in particular. Just with the fact it's a chapter closed for me. Although if I think about it, I'd rather give up my chance at another for someone else searching for their first. It's just such a good book that although I already read it, I want to read it again and again.

But it's over. And I have to get used to that fact. I succeeded with the three most beautiful children and I count each one of my blessings everyday, including today. I still can't believe I'm ending with what I set out for. I couldn't be happier. I do know that. It's just that, well, ugh. I don't know how to vocalize it.

(one last chance to tell me to fuck off.)

Cortisone and your cycle.

Having back and knee issues for years, I've gotten some cortisone injections in the past. This last injection was the first time a doctor mentioned anything about my cycle.

He said that cortisone is known to "mess with" your menstrual cycle. "Mess with"? I asked?, "How so?". He tried to answer me, starting and stopping a few times and then just said "Yes, it can be messed with."

I'm so glad he told me this as I just started a cd1 flow today. Thing is, it's only cd13!

So just a heads up to any ttc-ers out there who get cortisone injections - it definitely can "mess with" your cycle!

My new header and other tidbits.

Do you know what the new header is a picture of? It's my elbow. My husband didn't even know that one. I showed it to him and he was all "Cool!" and I asked him if he knew what it was and he said "Nope." I guess I can't fault the guy, I mean, how many people really look at your elbow?

Today is Wednesday and my burlesque dance is Friday. Tomorrow if full dress rehersal. I have not only NOT gotten a dance together (a lot is in my head, but I don't have a routine) but I haven't even finished my costume. Tomorrow is my day "off" as I'll be alone all day, so I plan to work from 10a-3:30p on my dance. I'm sure I'll get something together. I mean, what else can I do? This is how I work though. I'm a procrastinator and I work the best under stress. Although I hate that I purposely put my body through stress.

Jenn found the youtube video of us dancing to Thriller here. (Thanks Jenn!) It was dark, so you can't see much, but I'm on the left and behind Hazel (the girl wearing the huge blonde afro wig). I'm wearing my hair in a ponytail and you can kindof make it out. Heh. It was so much fun.

It's snowing right now. I'm going to pull out my costume and as least maybe get the sewing done on it so I don't totally freak out. I've got tons of sequins and beads to glue/sew on, which can be done friday during the day. If I just get the main costume together and work on my routine today/tomorrow, I'll be okay. The best thing about the dance is I am spending ~most~ of my time taking off clothes. So if I can just memorize the parts I need to hit with the removals, I can just fill the in betweens with sexy dance, which I think I can do on the fly. Or not. We'll see how silly I end up looking! :)

Happy Tuesday!

I have nothing really blog worthy in my head, but I wanted to get that last post off the top. We're in the midst of October's ICLW and just didn't want that one there anymore.

Hrm.

My favorite color is orange. What's your favorite color?

Abortion.

I read Jenera's blog today about the topic of abortion and I haven't been able to shake it. She spoke of a story about a woman who wrote a book about the 15 abortions she had and even called herself an addict to abortion.

I can't really tell you more about it, as I had to click away before even finishing the article cause it pissed me off so much. (Here is a link to her blog post about it, so you can read it yourself if you'd like.) There were many reasons (reason does not equal excuse) for the abortions, something about her controlling husband and this was the only control she had, but still. Having 15 abortions is horrific, but to write a fucking "memoir" about it? Fuck. Anything for money these days.

I'm pro-choice. I am NOT pro-abortion. I am anti-late term abortions other than when the woman's life is at stake. (and for me, "late term" is a very grey and hazy line). I would never get an abortion and I think I'm even against many of the reasons women get abortions, but I am PRO CHOICE. It's their bodies, their babies, and it should be left up to them. I hate so many reasons why people have abortions, but that's neither here nor there. It's not me. It's not my body. And I don't think the government should control what we do with our bodies.

I can't help but think of that blogger I really came down hard on for her choice of abortion. She went through IVF, got pregnant with twins, and was so freaked out about having twins she aborted them. (I don't know if she transferred two or if the one embryo split to make identical twins. It doesn't really matter in my mind. If they split 8 times, okay, different situation, but twins?) It still makes my blood boil. But in my anger, I just struck out. I should have kept my mouth shut as it was her decision and I agree that it ~was~, in fact, her choice to make.

Ugh. I don't even know what I'm blogging about right now, except I just needed to get it out of my head.

13 years.

Today marks 13 years clean of my demon, heroin. I'd like to thank my body for giving me a 2nd chance and to really prove I could make something out of it.

'Cause this is Thriller, ...

... thriller night.



I took part in Thrill The World tonight. Our burlesque troupe put on the event for the Colorado Springs group. It was the world's largest simultaneous dance of Michael Jackson's Thriller. And tonight, I was part of it.

Funny, just as I was typing this, I saw a commercial for the news spot tonight. They showed the main guy I was dancing behind, so I wonder if I'll be on the news.

We all dressed up as zombies and danced the choreographed thriller dance. I learned part of the dance earlier on thursday night of this week and then we had a two hour practice session before the actual dance where I learned the rest. I finally picked it up pretty well before the performance, so I didn't look like a fool. In fact, if I may say so myself, I danced pretty damned well (for me!).

Thanks for all the comments on my previous posts. (And I still hope more people talk about their lost children in two posts behind this one.) The idea of becoming an RN seems so RIGHT for me. I would have never ever quit my job to finish my nursing degree, but now that I don't have a job, the timing couldn't be better.

Some other positives about going back to school next fall ... Allison will join Ella in going to school and I'll only have to pay for Karl in daycare. That's huge. AND, since I'm considered a senior in school (I have ~a lot~ of schooling under my belt, including a few degrees) I'll have the pick of my class times like I previously did and can totally work around their school schedules. I talked to my RN friend and she said I can even get a tech or CNA position once I'm into it and that will be a foot in the door for a job when I graduate.

I'll just get a student loan for fall semester and hopefully I'll qualify for some grants for the rest of it. I think they go off of the last year's tax returns, so 2009 will be out, as we made too much. But in 2010, we'll be a family of 5 surviving on one income and I may, just possibly, qualify for some help. I don't want to wrack up more student loans, since I've had them all paid off from my previous degrees, so hopefully I'll get lucky.

Tell me about your loss, your child.

Thank you, ALL of you, for commenting with suggestions as what to do about my friend's loss. So many of you were so helpful, going out of your way to talk to me about your personal experiences and it meant a lot to me. So thank you. I wish we didn't live in a world where people had to feel such pain, every story is still heartbreaking to me like it's the first time I hear of it. Maybe I've become more sensitive to it because I've walked side by side with so many of you and your losses or maybe it's because I know the joy that is a child so I can understand, albeit barely, how a loss can break your world.

M's and Charmedgirl's comments (and really, so many others too) stuck out to me in that asking the baby's name and talking about the child is so helpful. Acknowledging not only the tragedy, but the PERSON lost seems like it could be overlooked when the baby hadn't lived too long or at all in the "outside" world. When someone dies, we talk about that person. When a baby dies, we should do the exact same thing.

So, I wanted to ask all the mommy's out there who have experienced a loss to tell me about your baby(ies). Tell me their name. Tell me something about them - who he looked like, was she an active baby in utero, something, anything. I want to hear about your children. I know there are a lot of memorials out there and special days to remember your children, but I think any day is "special" when remembering someone lost and I would love it if I could use my blog today for thinking of all your special someones.


(As for my friend, we really weren't close, but were close enough I think she would accept my attention and help. I already sent her a sympathy card and I'm going to cook a lasagna today to just drop it off at her house. While there, I'm going to ask to see pictures of her son, which I have heard she took into work and showed him off, so I would love to see him too. While there, I'm going to offer to take her daughter to the zoo with my own kids next week - having a set day, she may take me up on it. So thank you for your suggestions. I really think the "can i do anything?" question, while nice, isn't helpful, as they aren't going to actually ask for anything. Instead, I'm just going to DO it.)

update - I called her. She welcomed the lasagna and said I can take her daughter for the day on Tuesday to give her some alone time.

I need help regarding stillbirth.

I have an acquaintance (one of the girls' past daycare teachers) who had a stillbirth two days ago.

Four days ago, she stopped off at my house when she saw me and the kids sitting outside in the warm Colorado sun and we talked about her impending birth. I touched her growing belly and we discussed how she was "done" having babies because this was her second child, a boy, and her first was a girl. The very next day she went to her OB appointment (36-38 weeks) and the baby no longer had a heartbeat. She gave birth the next day and was told it would take up to a month to figure out what happened.

I am at a loss of what to say or do. One thing I'm not doing is ignoring it. I wrote her a letter conveying my support. But that's all I know what to do. She lives very close. Should I see if I could take her daughter for an afternoon so she could sleep or cry or do whatever? Or does she need to be with her daughter right now? Should I bring food? Should I just stop by for a quick hug?

What do I do?

The Painted Lady

Yes, I was full body painted on Saturday night. And no, I'm not posting pictures. Okay, maybe one.

I took it myself so it's not that great. But the ONLY things I'm wearing are panties, shoes and my arm/neck cuffs. Everything else, including the fishnets, are painted on. (The pasties over my nipples couldn't be seen, except with the flash of the camera).

It took some guts but also was invigorating. To be walking around the venue talking to people and them not really noticing I was totally naked, well, it was crazy.

Oh. And very cold.

Goings on.

First off, Happy ~30th~ Birthday Jenn! It's a big day for her and you should all head over there and give her a happy birthday wish!

I'm excited for burlesque class tonight. I don't actually know what we'll be doing, except going over Thriller, but I hope we get to practice Bombshell.

Did I mention thriller? We're part of "thrill the world" which is a try to get into the guinness book of world's records to have the most people dancing the choreographed thriller dance at the same time. So we've been learning the steps and just this past Tuesday we finally learned the last of the steps. I'm no michael jackson, that's for sure.

As for Bombshell, it's the group dance all the burlesque girls do and we'll be doing it at our graduation show.

I also get to meet the guy diong the body painting tonight. There is a huge burlesque show this saturday and while I'm not dancing, I'll be a painted lady. Pretty much wearing a tiny bikini and full body paint. Yippee! I'm terrified and also excited.

Okay, well, I'm home alone right now and I'm going to make the most of it and sit on my ass and not use my brain for the next two hours. Ahhhhh.

What my new job should be.

I want the state, no, Federal government to create a new job position for me. Director of Bad Driver Pointer Outer. Yes. I want to be the official person to point out dumb ass slow drivers and take away their licences. My opinion will be it. No appeals. No arguing. If I catch you driving stupid and/or slow, that's it. No licence forever.

There's ~one~ exception though. The use of the "I'm-a-dumbass" hand movement. We all get distracted and make stupid mistakes driving. We swerve, we cut off, we just do stupid things. IF, and only if you raise your hand and wave after doing something, therefore using the aforementioned "I'm-a-dumbass" hand wave, you will be absolved.

I'm going to put together my resume right now.

(by the way, thank you to all who have answered my last post. The comments are overwhelming and I'm just happy as ever to have gotten the response that I have! If you haven't responded yet, please do so!)

Can I ask a favor of you all?

I have a ~big~ favor to ask of you.

One of my best friends recently sent me some blank stationary and asked me to write something about her. A memory, an opinion of her, anything. I filled it out and sent it back to her. I thought it was such a fabulous idea, as she is putting them all in a little memory book for her to look back on.

I would LOVE to do this myself. I'm going to send the same to my non-blogging friends, but for all my blogging friend, I would love to do the same via comments.

Can you all please leave me a comment and write something about me? Anything at all. How we met, why you read my blog, why you like me, what you think about me, why you can't stand me. ANYTHING! I'm going to gather them all up and print them out into my own little memory book.

Please? Pretty Please? With sugar on top? And a cherry? Whipped cream too.

This is a request to each and everyone of you. Not just those of you who feel close to me, but everyone who even reads my blog. You can be anonymous if you'd like too!

Thank you in advance!

A schnarky one.

Wait. I will get to the schnarkiness but I wanted to mention a few things about my trip and real life meet up of two bloggers in LA.

First off, I met Brandi for lunch last Friday. Yay! It was so fun and I drank a few glasses of wine. Yes, in the middle of the day. Had the BEST salad ever (i should of gotten the dinner portion) and had great conversation. I didn't even think of taking a picture because I'm lame like that. But believe me, Brandi is gorgeous and awesome.

Then I did my family wedding stuff and drove over to Mareike's house. She doesn't actually blog (loser!) but she does comment a lot. And she was a guest blogger of this very blog last week. She has a house just off of sunset blvd and from her front windows you can see the hollywood sign. Very cool for a tourist like me. We honestly didn't do much, as I just wanted to relax and ~chill~ without family for awhile. So we drank beers, hung out and laughed. She's hilarious. I spent 2 days with her and her 3 dogs and 3 cats and her cute next door neighbor, george. ;) I did take some pictures of miss mareike, but she's fucking kill me if i posted them. It was a great time and I appreciated the hospitality.

Oh. And I swear to god I saw Michael Cera (the boyfriend in Juno) walking down the side street down to sunset blvd. At the time I thought it was his look a like little brother, but I just looked at pictures online and he's ~young~ looking. So I'm calling that I saw someone famous. heh. Who cares if it wasn't really him?

Okay. Schnarkiness. Mareike actually was the one who mentioned this to me and I wholeheartedly agreed, so time for a post about it.

It's when people complain about "annoying" comments people give them when the person is just trying to be nice. Like "still pregnant?" or "is this a boy or a girl?" or "Wow, you look like you're going to pop!" or any other type of general comment.

People just aren't that good in knowing exactly what to say when they are making general conversation. If they say ANY of these types of thing (non-mean things, obviously), they are just trying to engage you in conversation. It just means they CARE to talk to you about the subject.

Okay, that's all. I'm complaining about people complaining. Yes, I see the irony.

The one word award.

Well, the award isn't one word. It's the "over the top" award and I received it from the awesome Photogrl who blogs at Not The Path I Chose.

I was secretly ~dying~ to do this one but no one was giving me an award. Until now. YAY!



Here are the rules:


1. you can only use one word!
2. pass this along to 6 of your favorite bloggers (which I'm not adding right now, so please just DO IT if you read this one!)
3. alert them that you have given them this award! (tell yourself!)
4. have fun! (seriously. "have fun" is an instruction. It's like the directions on food packages that say "enjoy!"


The Fun Part: (ahhh. THIS is the fun part. okay, I'm having fun.)

1. Where is your cell phone? there.
2. Your hair? blonde.
3. your mother? fantabulous.
4. Your father? changed.
5. Your favorite food? animals.
6. Your dream last night? unknown.
7. Your favorite drink? crush.
8. Your dream/goal? kids.
9. What room are you in? living.
10. Your hobby? parenting.
11. Your fear? midgits.
12. Where do you want to be in 6 years? north.
13. Where were you last night? burlesque.
14. Something that you aren't? brave.
15. Muffins? tops.
16. Wish list item? louboutins.
17. Where did you grow up? arizona.
18. Last thing you did? shopping.
19. What are you wearing? jeans.
20. Your TV? off.
21. Your pets? asleep.
22. Friends? many.
23. Your life? good.
24. Your mood? tired.
25. Missing someone? yes.
26. Vehicle? off.
27. Something you're not wearing? ring.
28. Your favorite store? gap.
29. Your favorite color? orange.
30. When was the last time you laughed? today.
31. Last time you cried? recent.
32. Your best friend? ryan.
33. One place that I go to over and over? safeway.
34. One person who emails me regularly? mypoints.
35. Favorite place to eat? louie's


There you go. My list. Awesome.

Fedex sucks assholes.

Fuckers. Remember to write down your confirmation number because when they just fail to show up, without the number, you are FUCKED.
Sent from my Verizon Wireless BlackBerry

Victims of Infertility

This was my guest post on Poltzie's blog a few weeks ago. It was something I really wanted to write about and even though I posted it over there, I wanted to discuss it here with all of you. Forgive me if you already read it, but I do want to see your comments.

-- I start this story with the history of my IF and what I went through, culminating into the point of this post and a request for feedback. It's so long I wanted to explain it a bit first.

I was diagnosed with "unexplained infertility" when I was trying for my first baby. I had all the initial tests like blood work and the HSG, took OPKs every month, experienced my first lap surgery checking for endo which was diagnosed as mild, had 3 clomid cycles and my husband has a good semen analysis. Everything checked out. Our 18th cycle was supposed to be our first IUI, but I missed the timing to take the meds so it turned into a natural cycle. That natural cycle turned into a BFP cycle, conceiving my first daughter, Ella.

The second round of ttc was when I tried for my second daughter, Allison. At only 5 months postpartum, I already had my cycle back although exclusively breast feeding, and we decided it was time to ttc again. I allowed one more cycle to go through, checking if I was even ovulating by using an OPK, and when that showed positive, we said we'd start trying with the next cycle. We assumed it would take no less than a year, if lucky, so when our daughter was only 6 months old, we pulled the goalie. To our utter shock, which I'm still shocked over, we achieved another BFP. We considered ourselves the luckiest people on the earth. The birth of Allison was traumatic for my uterus, having to undergo some emergency surgery at 5 weeks postpartum for heavy bleeding. We found I had retained placenta and when it was removed during surgery, I lost a massive amount of blood due to a condition called placenta accreta - Allison's placenta grew into and through my uterus. I recovered and we continued life as the parents of two little girls, 16 months apart.

Raising two little girls so close was hard. Harder than we ever expected. So we waited a bit to ttc our last child. It was only a few cycles in when I found I was no longer ovulating, instead growing huge functional cyst. I was diagnosed with LUF syndrome, which is where your body grows follicles, creates the LH surge to signal ovulation but instead of releasing the egg, my body would hold onto it, growing cysts as large as 10cms. I would be sidelined from ttc for another cycle, having to take bcps to allow the cysts to be absorbed. My OB referred me directly to an RE to deal with this problem. To force my body to ovulate, my ovulation would be triggered with HCG and under ultrasound, we would verify ovulation.

I also had another HSG to ensure my tubes were open. This time, my tube was shown as blocked. The RE ordered another test, the HSS, which saline was pushed into my uterus to check for scar tissue. It was discovered my uterus was over 70% sealed shut with scar tissue. This prompted 3 consecutive uterine surgeries to clear it all out. It was a vicious circle because surgery tended to create more scar tissue, so my RE placed a balloon inside my uterus to hold it open during healing. It was not fun. After my 3rd surgery (4th total), I was given a clean bill of uterine health and we tried our 3rd IUI cycle, but it failed.

IVF was our next step. Our 18th cycle was the IVF cycle and we made 9 embryos. The transfer was cancelled due to poor lining response, which is a side effect from my uterine walls being scraped clean of scar tissue so much. During cycle 19, we tried to get my uterine lining to respond with estrogen, which didn't work and transfer was cancelled. Cycle 20 was our second attempt at FET and we went crazy with trying to get my lining to respond. We threw everything at my uterus - injectable estrogen, viagra (yes, viagra), estrogen suppositories, meds meds and more meds, yet my lining only got to a 7 (they want 9mm at minimum). My RE wanted to cancel me but I said no, telling him I had to finish a cycle for my own well being. If it didn't work, I would go through another IVF, but I just HAD to complete a cycle.

We thawed all of the 9 embryos, 7 survived and 4 were grade As and Bs. The last three were grades C and D and arrested before they grew anymore. We transferred the Fab Four embryos and I was given a 40% chance at pregnancy. Of that 40%, I was given an 85% chance for a singleton, 10% for twins, 4% for triplets and less than a 1% for quads. And remember, this was less than 1% ~of~ 40%, so not much chance there. At 10d3dt, I was testing BFNs and was getting myself mentally prepared for IVF#2. Except at 11dp3dt, I testing BFP with a beta of only 15. The nurses told me to prepare myself for my pregnancy to end. But my betas were doubling. At 15dp3dt, my beta was 213 and an ultrasound was given to look for an ectopic pregnancy. It was too early to see anything but my lining looked thicker in one spot, which could be good news. At 19dp3dt, my beta rose to 1,073 and my RE called me to immediately come in for an ultrasound. They were afraid of ectopic pregnancy and needed to take a look to see what was going on inside me. Except instead of something in my tube, we found a baby in my uterus. Karl was born on January 10th.

Which all brings me to my point, but I first wanted to show you what I went through to get my 3 children. All said and done, I went through 4 surgeries, 3 HSGs, 4 HSSs, 3 IUIs, 1 IVF, 1 FET, ~24 medicated cycles and 39 cycles total. Was I "infertile"? Was I "subfertile"? Based upon the definitions, I was. Do I consider myself blessed? Hell yes.

I've received countless numbers of comments from anonymous readers (like anyone would admit to these terrible comments) of my blog pretty much condemning me for calling myself infertile. Although I should simply ignore these comments, they hurt. They hurt because I went through a lot for my children and I don't think succeeding should erase the war I fought. It's not the pain olympics and I would never try to compare who has it worse, but I do know that to me, I paid my dues.

Consider this ... If a woman had breast cancer and beat it by having her breasts surgically removed, would she still be able to call herself a victim of cancer? Of course she would be. So why would it be any different for a woman who suffered and beat infertility? Just because you won doesn't mean you didn't fight the war.

Have you been a victim of hurtful comments about your infertility? Do you know anyone who has? Please share your experiences!

What's next?

Bad luck comes in 3s right?

I was in the midst of doing a favor and went to my brother's house, 15 miles away, to pick up his mail to get a check he needed deposited while on his 10 day cruise. I'm currently sick with a fever and got all three kids in the car to make the trip. Check in hand, I drive to the only branch this bank has in town. A big triangle is what the route is taking me on, but I had no choice.

I pull up to the bank and in avoiding the cement girder on the right, I go too far left and my tire rubs the curb. "Pssssst" fill my ears and I know my tire is flat. Damn.

I deposit the check and pull I to the parking lot to change the tire. I get all three kids out to play while I go to work. My husband wasn't close, so I started the job on my own. I got the lug nuts off, jacked up the car, got tire off and spare out of the trunk and tom pulls up to finish the job. Hands dirty and my back hurting I swing back and PLOW my elbow to the side of the door.

$496 later, I'm home, my elbow hurts and I have some bad ass tires.

So. I think that's only two bad things. What's next?
Sent from my Verizon Wireless BlackBerry

We now interrupt a post from Nancy ...

... to bring you a post from Lori. I swear I didn't get a post from her on Thursday, so I must've missed it (sorry Lori!) and I wanted to get this in. So read this and the last 3 guest posts please (read about ugly men making better sperm, abortion choices when it's not your embryo on board and a sweet ttc success story) and I'll be back tomorrow to tell you all about my fabulous trip, the 2 bloggers (Brandi and Mareike) I met, the celebrity I saw and the fucking fabulous pancakes I ate. Now is the post from Lori ....

~~~

How in the world could *I*, little ole tattoo-less, plastic surgery-free, piercing-fearing, never-even-cussed-on-the-Internet me, how could *I* possibly think I could fill Nancy's shoes for the day?

Nancy will tell you that certain bloggers may not be as sweet (IRL) as they appear.

I've chosen one of my favorite stories from my Weebles Wobblog archives in hopes that you'll find it Nancy-worthy.

*****

The Coffee Shop
So you're sitting in a coffee shop. An independent one, with a personality. Like your very own caffeinated Cheers.

"Truncation-of-your-name!" the barista says as you walk in, already preparing your Americano with room for cream. You chit-chat with her, perhaps not as wittily as Norm does with Sam, and you get your frequent sipper card stamped.

You set up your laptop and check some emails. After awhile, the coffee starts doing its thing, waking up all parts of your body as it moves through your digestive tract. Hello, Large Bowel!

You go to the stall-less bathroom and do your business. No big deal. And, I literally mean, no big deal.

Are you with me?

You press the flusher and the toilet does its filling thing. And it keeps doing its filling thing and keeps doing its filling thing, but without doing its draining thing. As the water level rises, so does your panic.

Crap.

You scoop your satchel off the floor (even though it's way in the corner and most likely out of harm's reach) and step awaaaaay from the commode, to protect your new gym shoes.

Now. What do you do?

After you've contributed your answer below, you may wish to click over for an analysis of the responses I got.

*****

Lori, the Examiner for Open Adoption, writes for Adoptive Families magazine and for her own blog, Weebles Wobblog. She and Chicklet find and review sassy stuff at All Thumbs Reviews (see that badge down there, on the right? -- I love them!). She is currently retelling her amazing adoption story at Drama 2B Mama. Once in awhile she even feeds her children, Tessa (8) and Reed). But only when her Google Reader is clear.

Sunday's Guest Blogger ... Lori! ... Nope, It's Elana!

Lori didn't get me a post (booo!) so instead, I offer you Elana ...

"What to get pregnant? Find an ugly man"

Hi everyone! I'm Elana from Elana's Musings (elanasmusings.blogspot.com), and I am Nancy's guest blogger today! I got an email from BabyMed.com the other day, and I just really need to share it with you all. Here it goes:

"Women wanting to get pregnant should find themselves an ugly man, new research suggests. Scientists have found attractive males produce less sperm during sex. Researchers think good-looking males are biologically geared to hold back their sperm in each encounter to increase their chance of impregnating more females. But unattractive males know they are not going to bed so many females -- so when they do get lucky they give it all they've got."

"The findings from the University of Oxford and University College London are backed up by studies of chickens and fish, but researchers think they could well apply to humans too. 'Human attractiveness is complicated and influenced by a number of factors including cultural preferences,' said UCL researcher Sam Tazzyman. 'Nonetheless, ejaculate size and sperm quality are likely to have been molded by similar forces, like attractiveness and the number of sexual partners, that are important in other species.' Reporting the findings on the university's Web site, Tazzyman said, 'The more attractive a male is, the more females will be willing to mate with him, reducing the value of each mating to him. This means it is optimal for him to contribute fewer sperm per mating.'"

I nearly died laughing when I read this. I mean really, do you honestly think a man's "attractiveness" contributes to how good he'll be at getting a woman knocked up? I can't wait to see your reactions to this! Are YOU married to an "ugly man"???? :-)

Saturday's Guest Blogger ... Mareike!

Many of you have likely heard about this: A couple in Ohio elected to have a fourth child using their frozen embryos. On the day they learned that the woman was pregnant they also learned that another couple's embryos had been implanted. They had the option of aborting the fetus but elected to carry the baby boy to term and then hand him over to his biological parents.

I'm interested in all of your thoughts on this. Could you do this? Would you, after going through so much to conceive a child, abort a viable fetus if you learned it was not yours?

Friday's Guest Blogger ... Jenn!

hello everyone- i'm jenn from the oasis here to guest blog for nancy. let me preface this with saying that i never capitalize anything in my blog- so i apologize (especially to nancy the queen of grammar!) if it's hard or frustrating to read. chalk it up to laziness as my blog is really my place to vent all the stuff in my head, both profound (not usually) and mundane (much more typically!). i write about adjusting to life as a new & unemployed mom to pumpkin (but that's a currently evolving story in & of itself) & wife of the hub. i started my blog two and a half years ago as a way to work through my frustrations & concerns with ttc. the super short version is that i married my first love & best friend after eons together & we always planned for kids sometime in the future. after being rushed to the hospital & finding out i had a congenital kidney defect & needed major surgery someday became right this very instant. after waiting to recover & then waiting almost 18 months to see an re- we finally gave it our all (financially speaking) in a hail mary iui + clomid challenge on cycle 20 that miraculously ended in a bfp, uneventful pregnancy, induction 2 days before my due date, 3 really hard hours of pushing & 1 perfect little pumpkin.

i first met nancy on the ttc message boards & knew i wanted to be friends with this super cool, super knowledgeable chic. she always had the stats & the background behind her to alternately calm us down, or ramp us up- whichever was most needed. i first started blogging because of her too. i couldn't go on the boards because of my job & seeing her blog made me realize that not only could i have a virtual diary to vent all my frustrations- there were actually tons of people out there who were in the same (or a similar) boat. i could get & give support all while doing something that i found therapeutic itself. i was hooked.

what i have learned from almost 3 years of blogging is that there is a lot you can give & take from it. there are always going to be people that disagree with you- or who don't want to listen to what you have to say. you could choose to get into petty fights with strangers. you can choose to ignore it. or you can take the braver approach that i see a number of bloggers take. you can be strong enough & brave enough to unflinchingly give your opinion on a subject- but be willing to listen to other sides of it & open up a touchy subject to a genuinely helpful discussion. you can be really strong & admit when you change your mind, or have offended someone & apologize, or just concede that everyone is entitled to their own opinion & open up a forum for sharing.
i am not a very vocal person. in fact- i often will hide or suppress my own opinion especially if there is conflict involved. or even the possibility for conflict. i hate fighting & arguments that much that i will let myself be trampled on (so to speak) just to avoid one. what blogging has taught me is that you can be both vocal & opinionated without being pushy or argumentative. i think the way that nancy approaches a subject that could be seen as controversial is fantastic. i have seen her admit when she has hurt someone & take pause to consider that there is more than just 'her' side to an argument. she has opened my eyes on more than one occasion that i can look at a situation from a different perspective & that a fresh set of eyes sees something completely different. that's why i love the blogworld & my blogbuddies. i know i can count on them for honest yet thoughtful opinions and a new perspective that i may never have seen. The relative anonymity of the internet seems to work in my favor this way. i am not as afraid of conflict since i know i can take time & think carefully about what i want to communicate without having to see all the emotions that inevitably go along with strong opinions. this has actually helped me gather up my courage (somewhat!) in the 'real' world & be able to speak my mind a bit more. i love seeing that it is okay to be brave & take a chance saying what you really think (or want) because even if you get people disagreeing with you, it doesn't mean you have to fight about it- or that given the chance they wouldn't have a rational and productive discussion with you. basically- blogging has taught me that we really can all get along if we just work at it (and ourselves) a bit.

oh- and did i happen to mention that i actually get to go & meet nancy!!!! like next month- holy crap am i excited!!!

Guest Bloggers?

First off, I was a guest blogger on Poltzie's blog last week while she was in Vegas. I wrote a post called "Victims of Infertility" and I would appreciate if you read it. If you head over there, don't forget to check out her other posts. She's got some really cute pictures up from her trip to Vegas!

So. I'm going to be out of town tomorrow - sunday. And I'm looking for 3 guest bloggers. If you want to be a guest blogger for me, please comment on this post. I'll need your posts by tonight, let's see, by 11pm MT, and I'll set them all up to auto post on your day.

Please will you be my guest blogger? (I'll take the first three volunteers. That's if I even ~get~ any volunteers!) If I would have thought of this sooner, I would have asked you individually, but I don't have the time now. But I would still LOVE it if anyone would like to post on my blog. Please? Let me know!

Can I buy narcotics on ebay? (and I'm going to L.A.!)

Oh. My. God.

My lower back is KILLING ME. Nothing is helping. I sit in a hot bath. I use ice. I'm taking more than is recommended of ibuprofen, tylenol and aleve. Combined. I had some vicodin, but I used that up after my second physical therapy appointment.

Rewind.

Let me tell you a little bit about what happened last week. As we all know, I have chronic back pain for about, oh, 4 years now. I've been through injections, rfa's, lots of medications, etc. I had a new back doc but I just didn't click with him. I felt like he was listening to MY recommendations on what to do for my back pain instead of him, oh, I don't know, doing doctor work. "what have you done before? Okay, we'll do that." Bah.

So I talked to my PCP and got a referral to their back pain guy. It took a few weeks to get in, but I met with him last Thursday. I ♥ him. Seriously. First thing was he sent me for xrays. I've done xrays and mri's before and only thing anyone says is "facet joints in [particular part of spine] shows inflammation". Okay, yeah, BUT WHY? And how can we FIX it? This new guy, who I'll call Dr Love, and I have this conversation right off the bat:

Dr Love: [looking at xray] "Have you ever been a gymnast or cheerleader?"

Me: "Yeah. I did hardcore competative gymnastics for 9 years."

Dr Love: "Does your pain stem from right here?" [pointing at one spot on my back]

Me: "YES. That is EXACTLY where it hurts"

Dr Love: I would hazzard a guess that gymnastics is what did it. And the two consecutive births aggravated it more. [pointing to xray] See these two white things touching together? Those are your facet joints. And they shouldn't be touching. We should see nice big parts of black, which would be fluid, in between those points. And see all these fuzzy white things? That's new bone growth."

Me: [excited beyond belief that he fucking DIAGNOSED ME yet suddenly aware this is not a good diagnosis] Oh no.

Dr Love: But there have been great strides in facet joint fixes, from fusing your vertabrea together to facet joint replacement, which we would only do on someone young and healthy, which you are.

So. I'm exstatic a doctor, after years of going to different ones, figured out what is wrong. And even more exstatic there are treatment options. I hope nothing gets that drastic, but I'm going to continue to see this guy through it all. He started me with physical therapy, the first diagnostic stop, which I am more than willing to comply with. He even said it probably won't help, nor will the injections that are next, but it will help him in the diagnostic process. What not helps is sometimes a better indicator of a problem than what does help.

Anywho. I've been to two sessions with PT and I'm being a good girl and doing my in home excercises. Problem is, my back HURTS. A lot. More than normal and it's a constant thing, barely getting relief for even a few moments. What can I do, right? but I have my next appointment with him on Monday, which we'll talk about the next step. I'm in pain, but I'm ~thrilled~. There may be hope for a fix yet.

Oh - I'm going to LA for my brother's wedding. I'm flying in butt ass early Friday, wedding is next day 10:30a-2p and then I'm heading to mareike's house. Mareike is a commenter on my blog and you may know her, although she doesn't blog herself. I saw she lived in LA and asked if we could meet up. Looks like I'm going to spend saturday afternoon through Sunday afternoon with her. She's even setting me up on her couch for the night! Yay! We're goingt to have a full on slumber party.

So. On Friday I'm pretty much on my own all day. Is there any bloggers out there who live in the LA area who would like to meet me for lunch?

This "infertility test" has me all pissed off!

One of my very best friends, Laurel, told me about the First Response Fertility Test.



I had not yet heard of it when she told me about it. "Are You Able to Get Pregnant?" is plastered in huge letters on the box. "A simple test to determine your ability to get pregnant" it touts. What. The. Fuck.

The commercial oversimplifies EVERYTHING! It makes it seem that all you need to do is pee on a stick and it'll tell you if your infertile or not. Argh! Anyone who knows anything about infertility knows it's just not this simple.

Once I went to their website, I read they were very good in explaining what it's actually testing for. It's an FSH urine test. Which ~is~ a good indicator of your ovarian reserve. But it's simply NOT a test to determine if you are fertile or not. What is this going to do to women? Are they going to use this test, think they are fine and not go for any other testing, thinking "all is good"? There are just too many factors to allow one test be called a "fertility indicator".

It just pisses me off beyond belief. Infertility is FINALLY getting the respect it deserves. People are starting to learn about it. Women are finally starting to understand their bodies. And just when things are going right, shit happens that pushes infertility back about a decade. Octomom made the general public think IVF = 8 babies. And now First Response is making women think one test can tell you if you are fertile or not.

** Update - Read Laurel's (her blogging name is Bay) comment, which is the 7th comment down I think. She talks about how thyroid issues can throw this test off and adds even another layer of pissedoffness about this test!

Have any of you seen this commercial? What are your thoughts?