Saturday, February 21, 2009

Joe Rogan's open letter to Kellogg’s re: Michael Phelps

Sarah brought this to my attention and I think it's fucking hilarious. Take the time to read the following from http://blog.joerogan.net/.

It's especially a good read if you are anti-marijuana and made some of the common 'arguments' in my last post about this. Now, before you get your non-hemp panties all up in a bunch, I am ~not~ suggesting any anti-marijuana person turn pro-marijuana. Admit that maybe you just don't know the facts and be like Switzerland. Know your shit (yes, both sides!) before you go anti on anything. Then, if you still want to throw marijuana into the same category of the drugs in the "don't do drugs" party, be my guest.

Copied completely without permission:

An open letter to Kellogg’s re: Michael Phelps
February 16, 2009

Dear, Kellogg’s.
I’m writing this letter to express my disappointment in your company in firing Michael Phelps as a spokesperson for your products because he was photographed while enjoying some marijuana. I respectfully would like to communicate my opinion on this matter because I think it’s of great public interest.

First of all, although it is true that Mr. Phelps broke the law, I think any reasonably intelligent person would admit that it’s one of the most fucked up and corrupt laws that we have today in this country. Marijuana is relatively harmless and certainly far less dangerous than a host of other things that are not only legal but also readily available, like alcohol and prescription drugs. The only reason it remains illegal to this day is because it’s a plant and you can’t patent it and control it’s sale, and because if it were legal it would greatly affect the demand for a host of prescription drugs that rake in billions of dollars each year for pharmaceutical companies.

That’s it.

Marijuana has never killed anyone EVER in over 10,000 years of use. We’re not protecting people from themselves, we’re not saving the children - it’s just a horribly illogical law that is in place because of corruption and propaganda.

The fact that it’s against the law is just a disgusting reminder of how retarded our system is, not a reasonable reaction to a proven threat to society.

I have to say, this whole thing saddens me, because I personally would like to think that as Americans we’re better than this. These television news anchors will shake their heads at the thoughtless mistake Mr. Phelps had made by “smoking dope,” and then without even the tiniest sense of irony they will cut to a beer commercial.

This is supposed to be the land of the free and the home of the brave, right? We’re not supposed to be a nation of little bitches giving in to the whims of corrupt politicians and the pharmaceutical companies who’s interests they’re representing.

It’s 2009, and in this day and age with the incredible access to information that we have available there’s no fucking way that we should be allowing human beings to tell other human beings that they can’t do something that they enjoy that hurts no one including themselves.

THAT is madness. THAT is ignorant, and THAT is completely fucking un-American. I don’t want to hear any of that, “he’s setting a bad example with the children” nonsense either, because we all know if he had a gin and tonic in his hand instead of a bong this would never have been an issue, even though every single study ever done has shown that marijuana is FAR less dangerous than alcohol.

Marijuana laws are a horrible waste of resources and law enforcement, and especially in this day and age with our economy in such horrible shape I believe the last thing we need to be doing is wasting tax payers’ money on any of this victimless bullshit.

I find your reactions to Mr. Phelps situation both ignorant and short sighted. I think what would have been a far better response from Kellogg’s would be to support Mr. Phelps, and perhaps point out that maybe we as a society should take a closer look at the evidence and possibly reconsider our position on this misunderstood plant that so many of our productive citizens find useful. Now, I’m sure if you really were running Kellogg’s and you were still reading my bullshit all the way down to this, you must be thinking, “Why the hell would we stick our necks out like that for pot smokers?”

And of course the answer to that question would be, because we buy your shit, motherfucker.

Do you guys even know your consumer statistics? Well, let me fill you in on some of my own personal scientific research on the subject, because I have been closely studying my own purchases for over 20 years, and I can tell you that I’ve been high 100% of the time I’ve bought your shit. I mean, do you guys ever think about what you sell? Pop tarts? Are you kidding me? I would be willing to bet that 50% of the people buying pop tarts are stoned out of their fucking minds. Just to be perfectly clear on my position, I would like you to know that I enjoy your products. I think many of them are quite tasty, but lets be honest; you guys sell sugar-drenched shit that’s horrible for your body - in fact, it’s actually way worse for your body than pot - and you market this shit specifically to children. You assholes go as far as putting lovable cartoon characters on the boxes just so that kids will beg their parents for it.

Now, I don’t want you to misunderstand my point, because I in no way want anything bad to happen to your company. Like I said, I genuinely enjoy your products. There’s nothing quite like being stoned out of your mind at 2am watching a Chuck Norris movie and eating a bowl of fruit loops. Your company and its products have been a part of some very pleasurable moments in guilty eating, and I’m glad you’re around.

All I’m saying is that it’s high time (no pun intended) that you motherfuckers respect the stoner dollar. There’s WAY more of us than you might think, and we tend to get upset about dumb shit like this. There are millions of us, and if we decide that we don’t like a company, they’re going to feel it.

I think if you looked into it carefully, you would be surprised at how many undercover potheads there are out there. Pot smokers don’t all fit into the obvious, negative stereotypes; we come in all shapes and forms - including by the way, the form of the greatest fucking swimmer who ever lived, EVER.

Think about THAT shit for a second..

So in closing, I would like to ask you nice folks to please smarten the fuck up. I would request that you check the calendar and note that it’s 2000 and fucking 9, and next time you think about getting all uppity about pot you might want to do a quick google search on the facts.

It’s 4:40am here in LA, and I’m going to wrap up this blog and to celebrate its completion I’m going to enjoy one of my personal favorite Kellogg’s products: Eggo waffles.

I’m gonna pop 4 of them bitches into the toaster, and then I’m gonna stuff the bong with some fine, American grown “Train Wreck” and sacrifice the sacred plant to the fire gods in tribute to the unjustly persecuted 8 time Olympian hero. Then I’m gonna get some butter, and I’m gonna smear it on those Eggos, I’m gonna cover them with maple syrup, and I’m going to eat the ever loving fuck out of them.

Good day, sirs.

Yours truly,

Joe Rogan.


I think I'm in schnarky love.

22 comments:

Sara said...

Love Love Love It!!!!

m said...

best line: "because we buy your shit, motherfucker."

All sarcasm aside, I am in 100% complete agreement with the heavy doses of sugar is far more mind-numbing than pot.

And ALL kidding aside, Nancy, your latest comment meant the world to me. It is something I really, really needed to hear. Thank you.

Vanessa said...

I think thats soo funny, and so true!

Tigger said...

I am SO amused. The husband isn't, but I am. :) Thanks for sharing!

margelina said...

A-Fucking-Men!
Seriously--I don't think people realize how many "regular" people smoke pot on occasion...that doesn't make them stoners...I'm willing to be most of those well-paid CEO's from Kellogs and other companies do it to. It's always the ones who look so "normal".
Regardless...I'm pro marijuana, and found this completely high-larious! Thanks for posting that!!

Tara said...

*sniff* *sniff*

That was beautiful.

Beautiful Mess said...

AHAHAHAHAHA!!!! I loved every freaking word! All Hail Joe Rogan!!!!

Sarah R said...

I LOVE the paragraph about Pop Tarts.

Glennformer said...

I enjoy a good rant and Joe Rogan is a funny guy but it misses the point. Let's keep it simple so the stoners can follow along.

1) Companies set up endorsement contracts for promotional purposes.

2) Companies seek celebrities who project an image they think is consistent with their products and whose association they think will assist in the promotion of their products.

3) Phelps did something that was illegal and/or otherwise inconsistent with the image they want to promote (namely, don't do drugs), so he no longer qualifies as the person with whom they want to associate themselves and their products, so he's out in favor of whoever the next person is who will get the endorsement contract. (Someone worthy will get the contract.)

I have no sympathy for sports heroes or other celebrities who squander their status and opportunities by publicly acting irresponsibly. In Phelps defense, at least he publicly made statements reminding people that he still just a kid and made a mistake and he's sorry about it. Phelps himself agrees with the Kellogg's that it's a big deal.

It's just business and when you get your own business you'll get to associate yourself, for promotional purposes, with whatever drug users and law breakers that you care to. Maybe you'll pick drunks that don't drive, tax evaders, sports cheaters, or whoever else doesn't seem to be affecting you directly (your apparent criteria). I'm sure you would think that's best for your company.

To reiterate, I'm for legalization of ALL drugs because I don't want the government involved in making those decisions. People have a right to destroy themselves, live completely self-indulgent lives, etc, so long as they don't affect other people in doing so. I'm also in favor of assisting people in not having to use such extreme measures to have fun, cope with life, etc. I'm against the promotion of any drug use that is considered to be a health hazard or otherwise harmful.

Since we are celebrating someone quoting "studies" without citing any, I'll join in. Any number of studies have shown marijuana to be a gateway drug to harder drugs. The same can be said for beer, wine, and any number of legal (for adults) substances and quasi-legal but abused drugs (like prescription pain medication taken for pleasure).

If it was all about the money you can be sure that the pharmaceutical companies would be lobbying heavily for legalization. They'd insist on rigorous standards of quality and purity and position themselves to be the major producers and rake in the profits. Government would love it too because politicians have a huge appetite for spending other people's money (taxes) and they could tax the hell out of marijuana, just like with cigarettes and alcohol.

For all of you who are still holding the position of marijuana being harmless, what's your excuse for not already having shared it, regularly, with your children (age doesn't matter). Hippocrites? I know of at least some adults that hide their marijuana use from their children. Why? It's harmless, isn't it?

Anonymous said...

I don't think it's about the pot as much as the example it gives children. He is a role model, for children, and they are too young to have to deal with issues of drug use. This is what seems to be lost on some of you. Who cares what grow adults do? NOT ME! Why introduce children to this crap?

nancy said...

To "Anonymous" (it's funny that I rarely get anonymous comments, except when it's something all demeaning and opinionated like the phrase "is what seems to be lost on some of you." Just a little funny thing I noticed.

But by the looks of Anon's comment, I don't think the entire post was even read. If it was, Anon would have seen this:

"I don’t want to hear any of that, 'he’s setting a bad example with the children' nonsense either, because we all know if he had a gin and tonic in his hand instead of a bong this would never have been an issue."

I can't tell you how much I agree with Joe's statement here. It's such hypocrisy!! These "heroes" shouldn't be doing drugs OR drink OR stay out late OR anything.

Hey, if the nation wants to make a guy who simply swims fast a national hero, maybe they should make the guy sign a binding contract agreeing he will NOT partake in anything unhealthy. No drugs for sure. No alcohol. No fatty foods. No sugar. No staying up late. No jaywalking.

ONLY THEN can you hold the poor guy accountable for being a "kid".

MrsJoyner said...

Love the letter, love that you posted it "completely w/o copyrightd permission" and Im in complete agreement. Joe Rogan rocks! And thanks for the comments, sometimes, it's good to know I have a support system that actually reads my ridiculous rants.

areyoukiddingme said...

I'm guessing that the only way to save the economy these days is to legalize drugs. Imagine the tax potential in that industry...

But I can't help but wonder if the pot smokers who say that marijuana is harmless have overlooked the vital fact that marijuana is SMOKED. So, you know, the whole lung cancer thing has got to be a factor.

Mareike said...

I love it too!! Some of the against arguments drive me nuts. Gateway drug?? That's ridiculous. Certainly people who use hard drugs have also tried pot and likely plenty of alcohol but millions of people smoke and never use anything harder. Perhaps there is some risk to the lungs from smoking marijuana (use a vaporizer and that is gone) but it's nothing like smoking cigarettes which people generally do all day long AND they are loaded with all sorts of chemicals.
Lawbreakers? If people didn't break unjust laws they may never be changed. Inter-racial marriage would still be illegal. Co-habitation would still be illegal. Black people would still be having to ride in the back of the bus, be in separate schools, use different bathrooms etc.
Certainly some of the anti-marijuana folks know of someone with cancer, aids, or chonic pain who is finding some relief from cannibus.
This comment is somewhat disjointed. (must be the result of all of the mind altering substances I couldn't resist after taking a hit off a joint when I was in college (NOT.)

nancy said...

AYKM - I don't think any marijuana supporters think its harmless. It's just less damaging than virtually everything else. Yes, the smoking aspect of it IS the issue. Even Mr Rogan said "Marijuana is relatively harmless and certainly far less dangerous than a host of other things that are not only legal but also readily available, like alcohol and prescription drugs."

I have seen the studies over the years about how bad smoking a joint really is, because there is no filter - and how it's that "same as" smoking something like 5 cigarettes. (not the actual number, I don't remember and I'm not looking it up).

But the thing is - most people don't smoke the comparative number of joints to cigarettes (ie: a pack a day = 4 joints and most pot smokers just don't smoke 4 entire joints a day. Hell, I used to smoke pot every single day (stopped smoking for work years ago, before kids) and I never ever smoked an entire joint myself.

And smoking through a bong may be "better" for you due to (did look this up): "they filter out other, non-solid smoke toxins occurring in the gas phase of the smoke. Noxious gases known to occur in marijuana smoke include hydrogen cyanide, which incapacitates the lung's defensive cilia; volatile phenols, which contribute to the harshness of the taste; aldehydes, which promote cancer; and carbon monoxide, a known risk factor in heart disease. Previous studies indicate that water filtration may be quite effective in absorbing some of these".

But you are completely right - no matter what someone smokes out of, it's better to NOT smoke.

Morgan said...

Considering I am pro-marijuana, this is easy for me to say...but this dude rocks! His whole fucking letter turns me on!! I mean this guy really gets my adrenaline going! And nothing really is quite better than being stoned out of your mind at 2am eating a bowl of fruit loops (minus the chuck norris movie)...oh the memories. I would give ANYTHING to kick back and smoke a fat one and not feel like a TERRIBLE mother....but with our world these days I can't do that with peace of mind and dignity so I just don't do it all.

Glennformer really gets me going too, keep it simple for the stoners? I can guarantee that ANY stoner could comprehend much more than an alcoholic...yet alcohol is ok huh? And I GUARANTEE the next person who gets an endorsement contract with them will be a pothead, they just wont get caught doing it.

Damn Nancy..I can always count on you to really get my adrenaline going with your posts. I guess I'll stop now, lol. :) (whoo..deep breath morgan, deep breath)

Morgan said...

Oh and the only reason it's not legal is because the government can't tax it! Otherwise, I GUARANTEE it would be legalized.

Anonymous said...

Joe Rogan is a person with an OPINION, nothing more. Some people disagree with his OPINION. I do not expect Mr. Phillips to be perfect. I do have a problem with him breaking the law and everyone thinking it’s hilarious. We do not get to choose which laws we want to obey. I also think the only reason he got away with it is because he is WHITE. If Mr. Phillips were a black man, he would be in jail right now.

Lisa

Anonymous said...

Seriously? "If Mr. Phelps were a black man he'd be in jail"...that has to be the most ridiculous and out of touch thing. In 2009...with an AA president, that people are STILL trying to make it about race. People who say stuff like that take themselves back about 60 years, for real.
And the comment "Phelps himself agrees with the Kellogg's that it's a big deal."...Well, OF COURSE he is going to publicly agree with them. Do you think he'd want more "scandal" and disagree? Part of the issue is he, and every other celebrity, are put on some pedstal by fans and the media when they are only human, doing what the other 83 million people are doing, which is smoke pot. Only with Phelps, he's just a good swimmer who got thrust into this public lifestyle simply because he's "the best". Completely unfair to put him in the spotlight the same way as the actors who want to be there and strive for that attention.

margelina said...

Sorry, Nancy...that Anon comment was mine...dunno why it posted as anon! Here it is again...I want credit for it!! ;)
Seriously? "If Mr. Phelps were a black man he'd be in jail"...that has to be the most ridiculous and out of touch thing. In 2009...with an AA president, that people are STILL trying to make it about race. People who say stuff like that take themselves back about 60 years, for real.
And the comment "Phelps himself agrees with the Kellogg's that it's a big deal."...Well, OF COURSE he is going to publicly agree with them. Do you think he'd want more "scandal" and disagree? Part of the issue is he, and every other celebrity, are put on some pedstal by fans and the media when they are only human, doing what the other 83 million people are doing, which is smoke pot. Only with Phelps, he's just a good swimmer who got thrust into this public lifestyle simply because he's "the best". Completely unfair to put him in the spotlight the same way as the actors who want to be there and strive for that attention.

Dagny said...

Love me some Joe Rogan.

And agreed.

Pop tarts...heh.

xoxo

JamieD said...

God, I love Joe Rogan.