Monday, February 2, 2009

Let me rephrase that.

I don't really want another baby. I mean, I do, but I don't. I love my babies and I know I would always love to have more, but I know I'm done. I will miss it all - all the good and all the bad.

If I was younger, maybe we could have another. If we made more money, maybe we could have another. Although I agree with being done, it saddens me beyond belief to really be faced with being done.

I'm just having a hard time wondering what that "next crusade" (in J's words) is going to be. I'm worried that I'm going to lose myself somehow in the world of parenting. I don't want my existence to be summed up in being my children's mom. Yes, they are the most important thing in my life, of course. But, I'm ~still~ nancy too. "Nancy" may be slightly lower in the hierarchy under "mom", but still pretty fucking important. And these titles move back and forth as children grow. When mine are all "gone" out of the house, I certainly don't want the only part of me left being the "mom" title - what would i do with myself?

You know, I use quotation marks totally wrong grammatically. But I use them more for enunciation than how they are supposed to be used. Same way I use tildas. Kindof. Just looked at the last paragraph and wanted to let you all know I'm not a grammatical dumbass. :)


margelina said...

Yay for new ink! I can't wait to see it. Mine has been put off due to the whole money/job loss issue, but now that that is resolving itself, I'm ready! I think in 2 weeks when my tax refund comes in, I'm there! And, of course, I keep thinking of even MORE stuff I want to get done, heh.

Wordgirl said...

Hi Lovely,

Infertility sucks -- it's just like -- well, you want to know that should you want to continue -- like so many other women out there -- you could without serious intervention. I'm sorry; I know it hurts.

As for motherhood vs. nancyhood...I think about this alot -- and recently realized that I had thrown huge parts of myself to the winds for stepparenthood even -- and how important it has been to claim those pieces -- remind myself what I loved to do before my family life -- who I was when I was alone, what fed me -- all those things are still true -- I made lists, wrote in journals, cast myself back to that time -- and maybe I couldn't go out dancing like I used to -- but I dance around my house when no one's here -- or light a candle, or listen to 'that' music that G doesn't care for -- or remember going off to that particular coffee shop and drinking coffee alone with my book --

You'll keep yourself Nancy. You will.



Cassie said...

I'm sorry Nancy. I really didn't mean it that way. I read over what I wrote and you're right, that was a terrible comment. The only point I was trying to get across was that you're not alone in the way you are feeling right now. I am truly sorry :(

Hollie said...

Maybe you should put off permaneant birth control until you are 1000% sure? I too worry about losing myself in parenting. The last month or so it is all I have done, be pregnant and have a baby. We just need to keep doing the other things we love and keep a healthy marriage.

Kimjj514 said...

I think this is something alot of women struggle with. So often we get so wrapped up in our family and our children, which obviously we should. But we end up forgetting about ourselves and forgetting to find time for ourselves. The most important thing you can do is to find other things to define yourself. Yes, you're always going to be Nancy, the mom. But find other things that you enjoy that give meaning and purpose to your life.

nancy said...

Cassie, I totally know you didn't. You were giving me support, it just came out, to me, as a little stab in the heart. That's why I try to explain it to people when it happens - it's something my best friend does to me - points out when I say something that may be totally unintentionally hurtful, so maybe it wouldn't happen in the future. I'm really glad you saw I wasn't just being a bitch to you! :) That's rare when giving constructive criticism, no matter how careful you are in saying you aren't upset with the person. Thanks for seeing it for exactly what it is. And thank you for the support you were giving to begin with. I really do appreciate it all!

mommybird said...

I'm not infertile, so I don't completely understand your experience. I've cried with my very good friend because of her infertility but have not experienced firsthand the way you have. However, I am coming to the end of my third and final pregnancy. After having lost the twin of this baby and being told that this one was gone as well I have come to treasure this whole pregnancy experience.

My uterus is falling out. There's nothing I can do about it so physically I just will not be capable of conceiving and carrying another baby, and that hurts. Knowing that even if I wanted to I CAN'T. I guess I'm not very good at accepting that, I don't like it when somebody tells me I can't do something.

Anonymous said...

Oh Nancy, even though I haven't birthed any children yet, I still get it. As I've blogged through my 2+ year process, I've developed an identity that I won't want to walk away from when the process ends.

After my partner M's successful and easy round of TTC, I lost 'Bree' for a long long time. I was the planner, the nursery organizer, the childproofer, the consulting-nurse-caller, but I wasn't just me. (Of course, I want to be all of those mom things, I just don't want to be consumed by them.)

Oddly, it wasn't until I began TTC that I remembered that I'm a separate individual with dreams that may diverge from (or even conflict with) M's. As I have stared subfertility in the face, I realized how much birthing a child matters to me, how far I will go to reach that dream.

Once that dream is realized (or not), I won't want to lose the person I've become through the process. I won't want to say goodbye to this great community, (even though it's a community we're all struggling to graduate from), and I will definitely have to figure out another crusade.

No matter what your next step is, I have a funny feeling that you will kick ass.

Julie said...

Even though we are done at 2, I think I will always long for those baby days with my children. I don't want to go through it again but wish it had lasted a little longer, that time period goes by so fast! In talking with other moms that have older children (middle/high schoolers), this feeling never completely goes away. The best part though is that as they grow, there are other awesome things to focus on :) And you will also get to focus on being Nancy!

areyoukiddingme said...

I am having some difficulties with the other-than-mom part of me, too. I started to write a long comment about it, but I would have ended up hijacking your post, so I'll have to go and contemplate it in writing on my blog. Thanks for the inspiration!

Morgan said...

Before I got pregnant I wanted 4 children, or more if I could. Being a women and being pregnant is something that is just beautiful to me, and even though my back hurt and so on- I'd still do it all over again 4 or 5 times. Gosh, I miss being pregnant so much...there is something just powerful about it. Anyways, now that Mason is here I still want more children but something inside of me is saying "would it take all the attention off him?".."would it be unfair to Mason to not be my one and only?"..."would he get jealous and not feel as loved?".....I know all of these things sound silly but the love I have for him is SO strong I don't know if I could share it fairly, does that make sense? Did you ever feel that way after your first?

Krista said...

I want another and I have to wonder if we are able to have one more, will I want yet another? I kind of think I will, but DH is dead set on stopping after two.

Conciously building a family (no matter what method it is built by) is such a crazy experience with so much is hard to see that kind of just...end.

Marie " SweetMarie " said...

This is a LONG reply: I for one, know exactly how you feel. When we were TTC, & couldn't I felt empy. When we did concieve our first baby, & I m/c, I felt a part of me die & I felt as if I were broken, when I concieved again, then gave birth to Victoria I felt complete .... then I wanted more. I wanted to know if I WANTED more, I could. We tried & tried, & when it didn't happen, I again felt broken. NOW, That I am pregnant with these little boys, I do feel complete, but at the same time, sad ... sad b/c I know this is the last pregnancy. Sad b/c it took so long to experience this wonderful blessing, sad that I am 40 & I do not have the luxury of ' thinking it over' another 5 or so years ...
So, I COMPLETELY do understand where you are coming from. But also think of this. We have the edge on some women (hope the fertiles don't get all pissed off) But it is true. We know what it is to walk thru the depths of hell (& yes, I mean that literally) I honestly feel we love our children deeper (not that the fertiles DONT love thier kids) we feel things deeper, & we appreciate them deeper.
All at the same time, when we realize our families are COMPLETE, we still feel THAT in a deeperway too.
So yes Nancy, I am with you on that one.
Okay, sorry for the rambling.

Kaci said...

I am behind on your blog, and yours is one I don't usually allow myself to fall behind on! I struggle with the whole "losing myself" thing - a lot of days I think I'm "just a mom" and "just a wife" but I am happy being those things right now. I do know that I'll have to consciously shift as the kids grow. I think you've managed to keep yourself so far and you'll continue to be "nancy" not just "mom" - it's just harder when you've got a newborn at home, you've got other children, you're still recovering from childbirth, and you're sick on top of it all. Really, what else could you do right now?

And I totally misuse quotation marks too.

JP said...

I hear it's a delicate balance to keep yourself while still being mom. It's got to be weird that this stage of your family planning has (most likely) come to an end. Be sure to keep us updated on Nancy and Mom!

Tobacco Brunette said...

I'm just getting all caught up. First, hope you're on the mend. Second, love the pix (especially the milk coma one), LOVE the ring, and love the Red Sox.

I think a lot, too, about losing myself to motherhood. Right now, it is all I do, all I focus on, all I think about. But with Owen's open heart surgery behind us I'm starting to feel like I'll be able to focus on other soon as he can hold his head up.

I'm curious to see what you'll do next. One thing I love about you is how motherly and nurturing you seem to be, but how you've also managed to raise multiple children while staying cool and energetic and fun. It's a tough balance to strike, Nancy, (so many women become either ALL mom or neglectful) and you do it with much style and grace.


jenn said...

I think it's a common problem we face. But I do think that as long as you make an effort to remember the 'nancyhood' (what a great phrase!) and take some time to figure out what the next step for nancy is- you'll be just fine. It really sucks to know you are at your limit- whether you accept it or not, whether it is a self-imposed limit or one that is thrust on you- it all still sucks. There is no telling your heart to just stop feeling.

I hope you find the next thing soon, or rediscover something you love about being ~you~.

And when you figure out the mommyhood/nancyhood thing- will you give me tips? I have a feeling I will be asking you for a lot of them!

eden said...

Is that what those little curly things you use called? Tildas? I love how you use them. It's your trademark ... very "Nancy".

I was thinking about you today, when I was walking up the street. About how INSANELY BEAUTIFUL Karl is. He's breathtaking! I don't know if I've told you that. (You probably already know, though :))

I think I will feel a pang for every pregnant belly I see, for the rest of my life. I wonder if it's pregnancy I miss, or the whole ritual of it ... getting ready, peoples attention, the excitement. I reckon a LOT of women feel this way though mate .... we are MEANT to feel clucky, to ensure the survival of the species on the planet. It's deeply ingrained in us, almost primal.

Fucking love you Nancy. Hope you are feeling well today, and getting stronger. You have been through A LOT. XOXOXOXO

PS I call Monkey "Baby" or "Rocco". Sometimes "Motherfucker."


Steph O. said...

Hi Nancy! I saw this "news" story today & thought about your recent posts. I think that the feeling of wanting to still battle IF may stick with you for a while.

Really bad comparison- Like if you've spent YEARS trying to get a full collection of something (figurine, coins, whatever), even after you have it, the intial reaction when you see it is still "get it!".

I'm just glad that you're reasonable enough to realize it & know what a wonderful gift your children are. (oh & CUTE!!!, but I'm you already know that!)

Otherwise, you become this woman. She can defend it all she wants, but I think she SHOULD have seen a Psychiatrist instead of an RE!!!

~my_teffie from WebMD