I don't really want another baby. I mean, I do, but I don't. I love my babies and I know I would always love to have more, but I know I'm done. I will miss it all - all the good and all the bad.
If I was younger, maybe we could have another. If we made more money, maybe we could have another. Although I agree with being done, it saddens me beyond belief to really be faced with being done.
I'm just having a hard time wondering what that "next crusade" (in J's words) is going to be. I'm worried that I'm going to lose myself somehow in the world of parenting. I don't want my existence to be summed up in being my children's mom. Yes, they are the most important thing in my life, of course. But, I'm ~still~ nancy too. "Nancy" may be slightly lower in the hierarchy under "mom", but still pretty fucking important. And these titles move back and forth as children grow. When mine are all "gone" out of the house, I certainly don't want the only part of me left being the "mom" title - what would i do with myself?
You know, I use quotation marks totally wrong grammatically. But I use them more for enunciation than how they are supposed to be used. Same way I use tildas. Kindof. Just looked at the last paragraph and wanted to let you all know I'm not a grammatical dumbass. :)
... Once (and still) Infertile, but still Schnarky as hell. This blog is dedicated to the daily ramblings from the mind of Nancy. It isn't about anything profound in the grand scheme of things, but it ~is~ about things in my life, schnarkiness always included. I have a second blog, listed in my profile, but the blogs will continue to remain separate.
"I'm aiming for heaven, but I'll probably wind up down in hell"
About Me
- nancy
- I am a 39 year old woman. I am the mother of two beautiful daughters and a handsome son. I am a career woman. As for my TTC world, it certainly doesn't seem like I am "infertile", but I fought for my pregnancies and my TTC/IF history is on the sidebar. I have two blogs, which are both listed in my profile. One focuses on my daily life - including IF, TTC, pregnancy, delivery and even some "children mentioned" posts. The second blog is ~soley~ posts directly about being the mother to my three children.
Belly Pics for #3 only.
Click stick figure to see the consecutive pictures from this pregnancy only.
My TTC History
- Jul 01 ~ married
- Jan 02 ~ First cycle off bcps and opk shows ovulation!
- Dec 02 ~ Went to pcp for RE referral
- Jan 03 ~ Testing commences. S/A perfect. HSG clear.
- Feb 03 ~ Lap #1. All clear.
- Apr 03 ~ Clomid cycle #1. BFN.
- May 03 ~ Clomid cycle #2. BFN.
- Jun 03 ~ Clomid cycle #3. BFN.
- Jul 03 ~ Supposed to be IUI#1, but we missed cd3 so natural cycle
- Aug 03 ~ BFP on C18.
- Apr 04 ~ Ella born.
- Oct 04 ~ decided to ttc #2 and went off minipill to see if I am ovulating. I am. Will start next month.
- Nov 04 ~ TTC#2 starts. BFP. Holy Crap. No freaking way. No way.
- Aug 05 ~ Allison born
- Oct 06 ~ IUD removed. TTC#3
- Jan 07 ~ Large cysts found.
- Feb 07 ~ Femara cyle #1
- Mar 07 ~ Started w/ RE. HSG #2 showed R tube blocked. S/A normal.
- Mar 07 ~ more cysts, up to 9cms.
- Apr 07 ~ more cysts, 3 @ 7-9cms.
- May 07 ~ IUI #1 cancelled due to more cysts
- Jun 07 ~ IUI #1 (take two) w/ Clomid. BFN.
- Jul 07 ~ HSS showed scar tissue in 70% of uterus. Diagnosed with Asherman's Syndrome. Uterine surgery #2
- Aug 07 ~ HSG #3 showed clear tubes.
- Aug 07 ~ IUI #2 w/ Femara. BFN.
- Sept 07 ~ Monitored w/ hCG trigger. BFN.
- Oct 07 ~ HSS #2 showed scar tissue in 30% of uterus. Uterine surgery #3.
- Dec 07 ~ HSS #3 showed tiny amount of scar tissue. Uterine surgery #4.
- Jan 08 ~ HSS #4 showed clear uterus.
- Jan 08 ~ IUI #3, C16. BFN.
- Mar 08 ~ IVF #1, Transfer Cancelled due to lining. Out of 15 eggs, 9 were mature and all 9 fertilized. I have named my 9 embryos "The Mod Squad" and they are in the freezer, waiting for mommy to be ready.
- Apr/May 08 ~ FET #1. C20. 4 embryos "The Fab Four" transferred on 5/05. BFP!!! Very Low Beta (15 at 11dp3dt) but the numers continued to double every 48 hours. Told it was "most likely not viable" and later "most likely ectopic" but we beat all the odds.
- May 16, 08 ~ 11dp3dt (4w0d), beta #1: 15
- May 19, 08 ~ 14dp3dt (4w3d), beta #2: 43
- May 23, 08 ~ 18dp3dt (5w0d), beta#3: 213
- May 27, 22dp3dt (5w4d), beta #4: 1,073
- Jun 08 - Ultrasound showed one heartbeat at 7 weeks.
- Jul 08 - Had CVS testing. Chromosomes are normal and it's a BOY!! EDD: 1/23
- Aug 08 - Jan 09 ~ High risk due to: 1) Velamentous Cord Insertion, deemed biggest risk 2) Previous Placenta Accreta 3) Previous rapid degraged placenta 4) IVF alone can create weak placenta 5) AMA - Advanced Maternal Age. -- All resulting in almost 30 u/s and lots of testing, which ended up saving my life.
- Jan 09 (38w0d) ~ Karl is born! -- Crazy 3 days in hospital. Manual version to flip baby from breech to head down, Labor, Delivery, Emergency surgery due to cord detaching from placenta, Scary heart issues from losing over 40% of my blood supply, and then a blood transfusion due to the extreme loss of blood. Whew!
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- I got the hospital bill
- We interrupt this blog to bring you my next medica...
- I watched it and I think I'm ready to comment.
- I'm actually going to talk about it.
- Sorry to keep you waiting!
- What the FUCK is that?
- Surgery tomorrow
- My answers (and thoughts/comments) regarding baby ...
- Question about baby showers ...
- More on the marijuana topic
- Joe Rogan's open letter to Kellogg’s re: Michael P...
- Top Ten List.
- Getting To Know You (GTKY #1)
- I will be sterilized next wednesday.
- This is a bit hard. (and something very interesting)
- Awards Time.
- (reminder)
- You all know of this place, right?
- Terms of Endearment
- "Michael Phelps' Bong Hit"
- Now it is definitely NOT funny.
- Well, now it's just funny.
- (Updated) "Have you thought about sterilization?"
- Quick update
- I'm home from the emergency room.
- Added bonus. Scan showed "something" left in my ut...
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- for CT scan. Drank contrasting fluid. Blood pressu...
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- Horn Tootin'.
- Ah-ha! Thanks Jenera!
- That ~kinda~ worked
- my new ink.
- An answer to a question
- Let me rephrase that.
- I want another baby. Fuck you infertility.
- bullets.
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19 comments:
Yay for new ink! I can't wait to see it. Mine has been put off due to the whole money/job loss issue, but now that that is resolving itself, I'm ready! I think in 2 weeks when my tax refund comes in, I'm there! And, of course, I keep thinking of even MORE stuff I want to get done, heh.
Hi Lovely,
Infertility sucks -- it's just like -- well, you want to know that should you want to continue -- like so many other women out there -- you could without serious intervention. I'm sorry; I know it hurts.
As for motherhood vs. nancyhood...I think about this alot -- and recently realized that I had thrown huge parts of myself to the winds for stepparenthood even -- and how important it has been to claim those pieces -- remind myself what I loved to do before my family life -- who I was when I was alone, what fed me -- all those things are still true -- I made lists, wrote in journals, cast myself back to that time -- and maybe I couldn't go out dancing like I used to -- but I dance around my house when no one's here -- or light a candle, or listen to 'that' music that G doesn't care for -- or remember going off to that particular coffee shop and drinking coffee alone with my book --
You'll keep yourself Nancy. You will.
XO
Pam
I'm sorry Nancy. I really didn't mean it that way. I read over what I wrote and you're right, that was a terrible comment. The only point I was trying to get across was that you're not alone in the way you are feeling right now. I am truly sorry :(
Maybe you should put off permaneant birth control until you are 1000% sure? I too worry about losing myself in parenting. The last month or so it is all I have done, be pregnant and have a baby. We just need to keep doing the other things we love and keep a healthy marriage.
I think this is something alot of women struggle with. So often we get so wrapped up in our family and our children, which obviously we should. But we end up forgetting about ourselves and forgetting to find time for ourselves. The most important thing you can do is to find other things to define yourself. Yes, you're always going to be Nancy, the mom. But find other things that you enjoy that give meaning and purpose to your life.
Cassie, I totally know you didn't. You were giving me support, it just came out, to me, as a little stab in the heart. That's why I try to explain it to people when it happens - it's something my best friend does to me - points out when I say something that may be totally unintentionally hurtful, so maybe it wouldn't happen in the future. I'm really glad you saw I wasn't just being a bitch to you! :) That's rare when giving constructive criticism, no matter how careful you are in saying you aren't upset with the person. Thanks for seeing it for exactly what it is. And thank you for the support you were giving to begin with. I really do appreciate it all!
I'm not infertile, so I don't completely understand your experience. I've cried with my very good friend because of her infertility but have not experienced firsthand the way you have. However, I am coming to the end of my third and final pregnancy. After having lost the twin of this baby and being told that this one was gone as well I have come to treasure this whole pregnancy experience.
My uterus is falling out. There's nothing I can do about it so physically I just will not be capable of conceiving and carrying another baby, and that hurts. Knowing that even if I wanted to I CAN'T. I guess I'm not very good at accepting that, I don't like it when somebody tells me I can't do something.
Oh Nancy, even though I haven't birthed any children yet, I still get it. As I've blogged through my 2+ year process, I've developed an identity that I won't want to walk away from when the process ends.
After my partner M's successful and easy round of TTC, I lost 'Bree' for a long long time. I was the planner, the nursery organizer, the childproofer, the consulting-nurse-caller, but I wasn't just me. (Of course, I want to be all of those mom things, I just don't want to be consumed by them.)
Oddly, it wasn't until I began TTC that I remembered that I'm a separate individual with dreams that may diverge from (or even conflict with) M's. As I have stared subfertility in the face, I realized how much birthing a child matters to me, how far I will go to reach that dream.
Once that dream is realized (or not), I won't want to lose the person I've become through the process. I won't want to say goodbye to this great community, (even though it's a community we're all struggling to graduate from), and I will definitely have to figure out another crusade.
No matter what your next step is, I have a funny feeling that you will kick ass.
Even though we are done at 2, I think I will always long for those baby days with my children. I don't want to go through it again but wish it had lasted a little longer, that time period goes by so fast! In talking with other moms that have older children (middle/high schoolers), this feeling never completely goes away. The best part though is that as they grow, there are other awesome things to focus on :) And you will also get to focus on being Nancy!
I am having some difficulties with the other-than-mom part of me, too. I started to write a long comment about it, but I would have ended up hijacking your post, so I'll have to go and contemplate it in writing on my blog. Thanks for the inspiration!
Before I got pregnant I wanted 4 children, or more if I could. Being a women and being pregnant is something that is just beautiful to me, and even though my back hurt and so on- I'd still do it all over again 4 or 5 times. Gosh, I miss being pregnant so much...there is something just powerful about it. Anyways, now that Mason is here I still want more children but something inside of me is saying "would it take all the attention off him?".."would it be unfair to Mason to not be my one and only?"..."would he get jealous and not feel as loved?".....I know all of these things sound silly but the love I have for him is SO strong I don't know if I could share it fairly, does that make sense? Did you ever feel that way after your first?
I want another and I have to wonder if we are able to have one more, will I want yet another? I kind of think I will, but DH is dead set on stopping after two.
Conciously building a family (no matter what method it is built by) is such a crazy experience with so much emotion....it is hard to see that kind of just...end.
This is a LONG reply: I for one, know exactly how you feel. When we were TTC, & couldn't I felt empy. When we did concieve our first baby, & I m/c, I felt a part of me die & I felt as if I were broken, when I concieved again, then gave birth to Victoria I felt complete .... then I wanted more. I wanted to know if I WANTED more, I could. We tried & tried, & when it didn't happen, I again felt broken. NOW, That I am pregnant with these little boys, I do feel complete, but at the same time, sad ... sad b/c I know this is the last pregnancy. Sad b/c it took so long to experience this wonderful blessing, sad that I am 40 & I do not have the luxury of ' thinking it over' another 5 or so years ...
So, I COMPLETELY do understand where you are coming from. But also think of this. We have the edge on some women (hope the fertiles don't get all pissed off) But it is true. We know what it is to walk thru the depths of hell (& yes, I mean that literally) I honestly feel we love our children deeper (not that the fertiles DONT love thier kids) we feel things deeper, & we appreciate them deeper.
All at the same time, when we realize our families are COMPLETE, we still feel THAT in a deeperway too.
So yes Nancy, I am with you on that one.
Okay, sorry for the rambling.
I am behind on your blog, and yours is one I don't usually allow myself to fall behind on! I struggle with the whole "losing myself" thing - a lot of days I think I'm "just a mom" and "just a wife" but I am happy being those things right now. I do know that I'll have to consciously shift as the kids grow. I think you've managed to keep yourself so far and you'll continue to be "nancy" not just "mom" - it's just harder when you've got a newborn at home, you've got other children, you're still recovering from childbirth, and you're sick on top of it all. Really, what else could you do right now?
And I totally misuse quotation marks too.
I hear it's a delicate balance to keep yourself while still being mom. It's got to be weird that this stage of your family planning has (most likely) come to an end. Be sure to keep us updated on Nancy and Mom!
I'm just getting all caught up. First, hope you're on the mend. Second, love the pix (especially the milk coma one), LOVE the ring, and love the Red Sox.
I think a lot, too, about losing myself to motherhood. Right now, it is all I do, all I focus on, all I think about. But with Owen's open heart surgery behind us I'm starting to feel like I'll be able to focus on other things...as soon as he can hold his head up.
I'm curious to see what you'll do next. One thing I love about you is how motherly and nurturing you seem to be, but how you've also managed to raise multiple children while staying cool and energetic and fun. It's a tough balance to strike, Nancy, (so many women become either ALL mom or neglectful) and you do it with much style and grace.
XO
I think it's a common problem we face. But I do think that as long as you make an effort to remember the 'nancyhood' (what a great phrase!) and take some time to figure out what the next step for nancy is- you'll be just fine. It really sucks to know you are at your limit- whether you accept it or not, whether it is a self-imposed limit or one that is thrust on you- it all still sucks. There is no telling your heart to just stop feeling.
I hope you find the next thing soon, or rediscover something you love about being ~you~.
And when you figure out the mommyhood/nancyhood thing- will you give me tips? I have a feeling I will be asking you for a lot of them!
Is that what those little curly things you use called? Tildas? I love how you use them. It's your trademark ... very "Nancy".
I was thinking about you today, when I was walking up the street. About how INSANELY BEAUTIFUL Karl is. He's breathtaking! I don't know if I've told you that. (You probably already know, though :))
I think I will feel a pang for every pregnant belly I see, for the rest of my life. I wonder if it's pregnancy I miss, or the whole ritual of it ... getting ready, peoples attention, the excitement. I reckon a LOT of women feel this way though mate .... we are MEANT to feel clucky, to ensure the survival of the species on the planet. It's deeply ingrained in us, almost primal.
Fucking love you Nancy. Hope you are feeling well today, and getting stronger. You have been through A LOT. XOXOXOXO
PS I call Monkey "Baby" or "Rocco". Sometimes "Motherfucker."
:)
Hi Nancy! I saw this "news" story today & thought about your recent posts. I think that the feeling of wanting to still battle IF may stick with you for a while.
Really bad comparison- Like if you've spent YEARS trying to get a full collection of something (figurine, coins, whatever), even after you have it, the intial reaction when you see it is still "get it!".
I'm just glad that you're reasonable enough to realize it & know what a wonderful gift your children are. (oh & CUTE!!!, but I'm you already know that!)
Otherwise, you become this woman. She can defend it all she wants, but I think she SHOULD have seen a Psychiatrist instead of an RE!!!
http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/29038814/?gt1=43001
~my_teffie from WebMD
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