I want another baby. Fuck you infertility.

There. I said it.

I won't get one of course. My husband doesn't want any more. We couldn't afford any more. I switched back to my old insurance which doesn't cover infertility treatments and I doubt I'd be able to conceive w/out ART. And I have almost died twice now, no one wants me to push that.

I'm beyond lucky. I have three beautiful children. Can I even consider myself infertile now?

So what I spent 39 cycles of my life ttc, succeeding "only" 3 times. A 7% success rate isn't that great, but as I look around me - it's ridiculously great. So what I've spent $10 grand ttc karl and maybe $2k ttc Ella? What's $12,000 for three babies? (except to the 88% of fertiles out there who spends ~nothing~ at all. Well, maybe some cash for a few hpts or opks.) What's 4 surgeries? What's a case of ohss? So what I filled my body with all kinds of fertility drugs? So what that I find clomid akin to aspirin now and roll my eyes when someone is all upset for having to "resort to" clomid? So what I had a monitored mock IUI cycle? What's 3 full IUIs? What's one IVF cycle where I had ET cancelled the day before ER? So what I went through one FET cycle?

I conceived. Three times. I have a full family. Does the unwanted initial title of "infertile" go away now? Obviously the bitterness doesn't go away. And this is something an infertile who hasn't conceived yet or someone who has decided to live childfree will most likely answer "no, you are not infertile". And only someone who has gone through IF and has (finally) conceived will be more apt to answer "once infertile, always infertile".

Is it my once infertility what is making me want another baby? Is it that I'm not wanting to give up the fight? Does winning 3 battles of 39 make me feel like the war is won? (The answer is a firm "no".) Were my pregnancies so fucking important to me where I cherished every moment simply because of what I went through to get them? Do I want another baby because my infertility has made me (still) jealous as all hell to see a swollen belly?

TTC was such a huge part of my life and now it's over. It's almost like I don't know what to do with myself now. The big question of "when should we start to try again?" isn't being discussed. Instead, the question of permanent birth control is what we talk about. Permanent birth control. It can bring me to tears just thinking about it.

I'm retiring. And for some reason, it's taking me by surprise.