Sunday, February 1, 2009

I want another baby. Fuck you infertility.

There. I said it.

I won't get one of course. My husband doesn't want any more. We couldn't afford any more. I switched back to my old insurance which doesn't cover infertility treatments and I doubt I'd be able to conceive w/out ART. And I have almost died twice now, no one wants me to push that.

I'm beyond lucky. I have three beautiful children. Can I even consider myself infertile now?

So what I spent 39 cycles of my life ttc, succeeding "only" 3 times. A 7% success rate isn't that great, but as I look around me - it's ridiculously great. So what I've spent $10 grand ttc karl and maybe $2k ttc Ella? What's $12,000 for three babies? (except to the 88% of fertiles out there who spends ~nothing~ at all. Well, maybe some cash for a few hpts or opks.) What's 4 surgeries? What's a case of ohss? So what I filled my body with all kinds of fertility drugs? So what that I find clomid akin to aspirin now and roll my eyes when someone is all upset for having to "resort to" clomid? So what I had a monitored mock IUI cycle? What's 3 full IUIs? What's one IVF cycle where I had ET cancelled the day before ER? So what I went through one FET cycle?

I conceived. Three times. I have a full family. Does the unwanted initial title of "infertile" go away now? Obviously the bitterness doesn't go away. And this is something an infertile who hasn't conceived yet or someone who has decided to live childfree will most likely answer "no, you are not infertile". And only someone who has gone through IF and has (finally) conceived will be more apt to answer "once infertile, always infertile".

Is it my once infertility what is making me want another baby? Is it that I'm not wanting to give up the fight? Does winning 3 battles of 39 make me feel like the war is won? (The answer is a firm "no".) Were my pregnancies so fucking important to me where I cherished every moment simply because of what I went through to get them? Do I want another baby because my infertility has made me (still) jealous as all hell to see a swollen belly?

TTC was such a huge part of my life and now it's over. It's almost like I don't know what to do with myself now. The big question of "when should we start to try again?" isn't being discussed. Instead, the question of permanent birth control is what we talk about. Permanent birth control. It can bring me to tears just thinking about it.

I'm retiring. And for some reason, it's taking me by surprise.

30 comments:

Geohde said...

I know how you feel.

I can't retire yet, but when I do, I'll need a new crusade to rail at, methinks,

J

Elana Kahn said...

Even though I have over a decade to go before "retirement," I can totally understand how you feel. I don't know what I'll do with myself once I have a "completed" family. And yes, I think "once infertile, always infertile" applies to you. :-) As much as I would so tell you to have another, I also don't want to see you die, so I'm going to tell you *gasp* that you should retire from TTC. And this is coming from someone who would TTC until she's 50 and has no eggs left... tee hee

Ella said...

I haven't yet succeeded in the baby department, but I think the 'once infertile always infertile' applies. Maybe it's like 'once an alcoholic, always an alcoholic'? It may not be permeating your daily life anymore, but the wounds are present, and there is a major difference between you and a fertile that still exists every day of your life. At least, that's how I think I'll feel, when I finally get to the other side...

Mel said...

Just wanted to say, that once infertile, always infertile. Even if you have kids and are done having kids.

I don't agree with a lot of your opinions about infertility in general. And you do have three beautiful kids, and you know, I'd be ecstatic for one. And there's that crazy woman on the news who had an FET with 8 embryos transferred after having 6 kids already. If I had three, and could have a fourth? I probably would. If I had six, would I have an FET with 8 embryos? Definitely not.

I don't think I'll ever stop thinking about infertility. Even if I had a house full of kids. I always thought that I'd have as many as I could, within reason. Maybe that's zero. I don't know. But only you can know when your family is done.

JamieD said...

I totally get it. When Hubby & I first talked kids, it was only one or two. Now I want as many kids as I can get.

I'm sort of the same way on eBay - it can be something I really don't even want, but as soon as someone starts bidding against me I'm all, "That WILL be mine!!!!"

If you compared my TTC history head to head to others, I probably wouldn't be considered ~that~ infertile. I've been pregnant three times now with only a battery of test and some pills. All I know is it has been almost three fucking years since that carefree day I tossed the BCP and I have nothing to show for it but heartache.

I will have children someday, but I'll be changed forever.

Jenera said...

I'm in a different boat than you in that I know I'm done having kids. I do not want to be pregnant again or to go through childbirth or think of raising another little human. But I think that stems from having the miscarriage and the stress I went through with Sam's pregnancy. My husband has said that if I want to, he'd be down with trying again for a girl. But it's not in me.

It feels weird to know that I'm moving into a different stage. No more charting, temping, worrying, stressing, planning ahead for a new member to the family.

::hugs:: I think with the struggles you have it is a bit harder to throw in the towel and I can understand that aspect.

Beautiful Mess said...

I didn't have NEARLY as tough a time getting pregnant as you and all the other wonderful, strong, and just plain amazing ladies, but I do feel what you're going through right now. It may not mean much coming from someone who hasn't been through as much as you, but I hear ya sister!
HUGS!

Jason and Samantha said...

I hear you. We aren't done baby-making.. but I'm scared I'm always going to want more.

Infertility sucks.

areyoukiddingme said...

I want another baby. I'm fairly confident that I will have another baby. But after that, I'm done. Even if I had the time, and agreement from my husband, two kids would be enough for me. That is what I need to feel complete.

I have a feeling, though, that if I am lucky enough to have another child, I will immediately start wanting another. It's just so easy to fall in love with your child, and that feeling is addictive.

Photogrl said...

Once an infertile, always an infertile...I don't think it's something you can turn off, you know?

I've always wanted 3 kids, but now, since struggling and still not achieving #2, who knows?

I think having the "retirement" talk would be so hard, even if you're ready.

Kelly said...

I would think that "once infertile always infertile" would be the case. Now I definitely do not have any knowledge of being infertile as the most I've resorted to was pre-seed. I just think you will always know exactly how it feels to be infertile and that would be hard to forget. I definitely don't blame you for wanting more kids... when you want something so freaking bad it's hard to give it up even when you've succeeded. Plus your dang kids are so cute... why shouldn't you have 10 of them?!! ;) Ok maybe just 4!

Also, thanks SO much for the explanation on BF! That was exactly what I wanted to know:)

nancy said...

heh. I just told my husband I wanted another baby. He didn't say anything. Shock took over.

jenn said...

I agree with the 'once infertile, always infertile' theory. Even if I am not sure if it applies to me.

You have had a huge part of your life taken away- sure it was a crappy time full of heartbreak & drugs & poking & prodding, followed my a miraculous roller coaster that kept you on your toes. It's perfectly normal to not know what discussion to have now & be pissed/upset/dissappointed that it's the permanent birth control, not the when's the next one.

I hope you find some sort of peace, or a new crusade (as geohde said). I know you are fully aware of how risky a 4th would be- I would never want you to have to face death in the delivery room- I would miss the schnark too much!

xoxo

Lisa said...

Wow! I am actually speechless. I have been thinking about what to say, but nothing seems like the right thing. I hope that you find peace in your decision. You are an amazing Mom and your kids are lucky to have you...

Sara said...

Well, at first I wasn't going to comment because I wasn't sure I knew what to say. I kind of suspected you would feel this way - I have no idea how I knew that.

I can relate, in a way. I haven't known the pain of infertility. I won't claim to understand that. But I have a history of dangerous pregnancies. I know what it is like to be on the brink of death - all for the little life you want to bring in to the world. I very well could have died with Samuel - my body was shutting down because of the preeclampsia. My baby didn't live.

Now that I am pregnant again, I know the reality of the situation. I could very well end up back in the hospital with my health compromised. It scares me. My hubby keeps talking about the next one. Hell, I just want to make it through this one! I am not sure I can do this to my body again, from a medical standpoint.

This got really long. I hope that you are able to find peace with where your life is. Your kiddos are very lucky to have a mommy that loves them like you do!

April said...

I would imagine this is something you NEVER get over. I can't say that I understand what you are going through, becuz obviously I'm pregnant with no help, but my biggest fear BEFORE my BFP was that it would never happen. And even now while pregnant, I worry "Will my next pregnancy happen?" I have no reason to think it wouldn't, but I think I read a lot blogs where it's NOT so easy and I feel for all of you. You go through SO much to have your babies, so much heartache, that I can't help but empathize.

dana said...

We haven't succeeded in TTC but I still think "once an infertile, always an infertile".

You certainly can't expect that everything you went thru (physically, emotionally, mentally) would just disappear and act like it never happened.

Unfortunately, imo, infertility is a scar. At some point, the wound closes (whether by having kids or choosing to live child-free) but the scar is still there and always will be.

I hope you are able to find some peace with all of this.

Cassie said...

I totally understand where you are coming from (well I shouldn't say that. Since I have never had a problem concieving, so I only kind of understand where you are coming from). I don't think you are feeling this way just because you are infertile. I just had my 3rd baby and that was going to be it for my husband and I. When I was pregnant I was so fully sure that it was the last time I would ever be pregnant. When I gave birth everything changed. When I was in labor I kept crying out of nowhere because I knew that it was the last time I would ever give birth...EVER! That made me so fucking sad. I talked with my husband and he said that he wasn't ready to be "done" either. So we are going to be TTC one more time. I'm so excited but even the thought of it being the last time scares me. We had all of our kids 1 1/2 years apart so there is always a baby in the house, what is it going to be like when there isn't a baby in the house? All the things I am used to are going to change, it's sad and scary but change is good right?

Tara said...

Yeah, this is a tough one. Friends of ours (fertiles) have TTC #2 and it recently brought up some feelings that had subsided since Ruby was born. I guess my battle isn't over yet either.

Infertility still sucks, no matter what stage you're at.

Becky said...

What an interesting post - as a newlywed, I don't know what lies ahead for me in the TTC arena yet - but I really feel that reading blogs like yours help make me more sensitive to those around me, especially those who are TTC.
:) becky

nancy said...

Cassie, I'm glad you get to continue. Unfortunately, I don't get pregnant easily and I couldn't have all my babies 1 1/2 years apart. I tried, but it didn't work. So now I'm past my age limit.

Wow, your comment really made my heart hurt. Telling all my true feelings about how I'm sad about this and you telling me not only do you have children easily, but you get to have exactly what I can't have. (just being honest in how it made me feel, not upset at you for leaving the comment itself.)

I'm happy you get to have it all, just sad I don't. I hope you understand what I'm saying. It's like leaving a post where I'm sad about not having a baby shower and I get a response like ~"Yeah, I can understand how hard it would be, but thankfully I got a shower".

Christy said...

Me too-- and it would be so financially irresponsible to get pg and not to mention the baby would have a 1 in 4 chance of having PKU- but I can't help it, I want another. So I understand where you are coming from. Probably won't happen, but I can't help but hope for an "oops" baby.

Rachel Inbar said...

I never thought a time would come when I wouldn't want another, but before we conceived Yirmi, I knew that if all went well, that that baby would be our last - and I am at peace with that and even looking forward to a time, a few years in the future when I can walk across the room without tripping on toys or eat dinner without anyone whining.

I'm sure I'll miss it once in a while, but right now, we're just wiped out.

Kimjj514 said...

I believe once an infertile, always an infertile. Yes, you're lucky to have 3 beautiful children. But that doesn't erase the scars of what you went through to have them. That doesn't erase the heartache of what you went through over the last few years. I've never dealt with infertility, but I've dealt with numerous health problems and a devastating diagnosis when DS was just 3 years old. Of course I'm blessed to have my children, but there are many times I think to myself, "just one more." My DH really wants to try for one more baby, but physically we're worried about the toll it'll take on my health. The thing is, even if you had one more, you'll probably still feel the same way after that one. You've been through alot and, in time, your heart will heal. You'll find other things to fill that void. You've gotten used to being wrapped up in IF treatments and TTC and then having a high-risk pregnancy and subsequent complications. Now that all of that is done and overwith, of course you're going to ask yourself, "okay, what next?" But in time you'll find new things to focus on. And as you mentioned above, you have to find other things to define you other than Nancy, the mom.

Jenn BG said...

Me too Nancy and I'm having the worst pregnancy with #3 right now. UGH. I feel selfish in that I am still longing for my daughter. They say this is baby boy #3...can the CVS lie? I need to see the u/s (maybe next month).

DH says we are done and although I've figured out a way to afford it, he will not budge. I just know it. He didn't really want to try for #3...we are just blessed with insane fertility, so the one night he was like fine, we miraculously got PG. I don't want him to do it like that again. I know he will love his 3rd son as much as his first, but I'll always be a little sad about having to "bug" him for the baby.

How old is too old? I will be 35 when this one is born and if I got my way, I'd try one more time (only one more time for a girl) in 2 years. I think that would be my cut-point, though. You could still do it.

Here is an idea...just skip any type of BC and see what happens. You got Allison so easily, who is to say your #4 can't happen like that too...barring the need for an uterine surgeries.

((((HUGS)))) I do understand. I think I'm also scared of feeling "old" when I'm done having my babies. I don't want to be old. :(

Kaci said...

(((hugs)))

After trying 4 times to put what I want to say into words & failing, I'm sorry but hugs is all I got.

Anonymous said...

why can't you just be happy with the babies you have. They are beautiful. You are a wonderful mother. Consider yourself truly blessed with what you have because at least you have it alot of other couples can't have what you have.

nancy said...

Anon,

You ask, "why can't you just be happy with the babies you have."
-- I think you missed my HUGE point here - and that is I wish I could be happy with what I have but IF has totally and completely fucked me up. After spending so much of my life ttc, it's hard to think of anything else now. It's hard to shift focus.

You also said "Consider yourself truly blessed with what you have because at least you have it alot of other couples can't have what you have."
-- Yes. I know. And I said just that in this very post.

Thank you for the compliments on my mothering skills and my children. :)

Kimjj514 said...

Anonymous,

with all due respect, she DID say she is lucky to have the 3 beautiful children she has. So of course she's happy with the children she has. Infertility or no infertility, I think most women become saddened when they think about having their last baby. It's sad to close that chapter in your life and now be faced with the reality that those precious little faces will grow so fast.

~Chel~ said...

Once infertile, always infertile, I think...It will be different for you going into "retirement"! But just think of everything you can do now--no more stressing about it--that's what I'm looking forward to...It's been almost 2yrs since we started for #2 and still nada...Pisses me off!