My answers (and thoughts/comments) regarding baby showers

I fit into all of the categories, so I'm going to give all my answers below. But first, I would like to give some thoughts/opinions about this topic. I apologize now if my opinions are negative to what you did. I am definitely on the conservative side of this topic. Maybe it's my age, maybe it's where I grew up, maybe it's just the way I think.

~ The reason my friends and I were even talking about this was I have been shocked at the number of baby showers I've been seeing from people lately. Mind you, I understand some people just like to have as many parties as possibly thrown in their honor, it's just that personally, I find it presumptuous. I can see how some can't be combined, like work and personal, but I think that most of these situations can be avoided. For instance, I found out which one of my best friends were going to throw my shower and we talked about guest lists early on. This way, if anyone outside of the group (work, in-laws, etc) asked about a shower, I would tell them so-and-so was throwing it and they would be invited. Now no one had a reason to throw me another one as family, friends, in-laws, work, everyone was invited to just the one. To counter having a bajillion people invited, I only invited those who would expect to come. None of my guests learned of my pregnancy from my invite.

~ As for showers for additional pregnancies, I personally find it in bad taste. And while I think there are reasons why a traditional shower for a 2nd child would be okay, I also think many of the reasons people rationalize 2nd showers with are just that - rationalizations. Not in the Water had a great comment in the last post about this: "I am sorry your first was a girl and you chose to register for all pink gear including the pack n play and the stroller. But I am not going to supply you with now blue gear just a few short years later. " I 100% agree!

Other reasons I've seen which I think are rationalizations are ~"I've moved since I had the last baby, so none of these people have purchased a gift for me." (Are you kidding me? Having a new guest pool isn't a good reason to ask for presents!) ~"I gave away/sold all of my baby stuff, so I needed everything again". (it's "our" fault you didn't save your stuff and your guests get to foot the bill?) ~ "I'm having twins this time!" (One of my best friend has twins and I know this doesn't mean double the stuff. It means 2 cribs, swings and bouncy seats, but since you have all of your singleton stuff already, this isn't a stretch. Using this rationalization, should we all be sending OctoMom baby gear?)

There ARE very good reasons for having another baby shower too - like losing all of your things in a fire. I ~do~ think all babies deserve a celebration though! Have a "no gifts" get together. Have a diaper shower. As much as I'm against baby showers for 2nd(+) babies, I'm just as against doing nothing at all. And let me say that I will always still get a present for all my friends having their 2nd(+) babies. I simply think requesting gifts by having a registry is in bad taste. (again, sorry if this offends anyone! It's totally just my opinion.

~ Now for my opinions on registries! I am someone who ~loves~ the use of registries. I am just from the school of being conservative when it comes to asking for gifts. When I completed my registry, I was sure to put on A LOT of items in all price ranges. This way, my guests could buy a few little items totaling $10 or go for something as expensive as $50, which was my upper price limit. My inlaws and parents wanted to get one of the major ticket items for us, so I just told them what we still needed. I felt really weird putting the expensive items on there. Even though people will buy what they want, just having large items made me feel like I was actually asking for them. A few people wanted to go in together on a large purchase and they either asked me what else I needed or they pooled their money and got a gift certificate. Truth be told, we bought most of the big ticket items ourselves way before the shower, as I think as married adults who made the decision to have a baby, it was our job to purchase what our baby needed.

Enough about me being all opinionated and here are my answers:

first time moms (1st pregnancy, regardless of # of babies) ...
1. How many baby showers are you getting?
~ One.

2. Who is throwing it/them?
~ A few of my girlfriends.

3. If you are having more than one shower, is there a reason why they can't be combined?
~ We did combine. One shower had friends, family, in laws and coworkers.

4. Is there anything you left off of registries? (big ticket items? breastfeeding supplies? Anything?)
~We left off anything over $50 and didn't register for breastfeeding supplies at all.

second time moms (2nd pregnancy) ...
1. Are you having a shower for your second baby?
~ no and yes. (keep reading)

2. If no, why not? (skip rest of questions)
~ We didn't think it was appropriate for a 2nd baby.

3. If yes, how long has it been since your first baby shower? Is this baby the same gender as first?
~ Babies are 15 months apart. Babies were both girls.

4. If yes, do you feel "bad" for having another baby shower? Are you doing anything to make it more acceptable like requesting "no gifts" or "diapers only"?
~ We would have felt bad to have another baby shower, so we had a diaper shower. My girlfriends threw it, but it was at a restaurant and I paid for all food/drinks. The shower invite directed "no gifts" and to bring a pack of diapers instead. Funny thing is the diapers cost about $10-15 bucks and I ended up feeling guilty anyway!

5. If yes, how many are you getting?
~ Just the one diaper shower.

6. If more than one, is there a reason why they can't be combined?
~ n/a

7. Did you complete a registry? If yes, was there any differences from how you registered w/ your first?
~ no way!

third(+) time moms (3rd pregnancy or more) ...
1. Are you having a shower?
~ No.

2. If no, why not? (skip rest of questions)
~ Didn't feel like it was appropriate. We did have friends in another state throw us a bbq in celebration of the baby.

Those ttc +1 ...
1. Does being invited to baby showers bother you at all?
~ It ended up that way.

2. If yes, when did it start to bother you? (ie: how long in the ttc process?)
~ After the year mark and first failed treatment cycles.

3. Do you think the girl who invited you should have done anything special to accommodate you?
~ no way. I thought it was nice if I got a call outside of the announcement, but that was so not necessary.

4. Do you feel rsvp-ing w/ a "no" and sending a gift is an appropriate response for your own self preservation? Or do you think your own IF is no reason to not attend and you should just suck it up?
~ If you need to protect your heart, sending a gift and not attending is completely appropriate. I did suck it up for a few close friends, but in all truthfulness, they were the ones who understood.

5. Have you ever had a bad experience in regards to a baby shower invite? (drama involved either being invited or even ~not~ being invited?, etc?)
~ Nope.

Those ttc and dealing with secondary (or more) IF ...
1. Does being invited to baby showers bother you at all?
~ Yes.

2. If yes, when did it start to bother you? (ie: how long in the ttc process?)
~ since I had primary infertility, all baby showers bothered me from the start.

3. Do you think the girl who invited you should have done anything special to accommodate you?
~ no way. I thought it was nice if I got a call outside of the announcement, but that was so not necessary.

4. Do you feel rsvp-ing w/ a "no" and sending a gift is an appropriate response for your own self preservation? Or do you think your own IF is no reason to not attend and you should just suck it up?
~ If you need to protect your heart, sending a gift and not attending is completely appropriate. I did suck it up for a few close friends, but in all truthfulness, they were the ones who understood.

5. Have you ever had a bad experience in regards to a baby shower invite? (drama involved either being invited or even ~not~ being invited?, etc?)
~ No.

6. Do you think there is added pressure on you to "just be happy" because you already have a baby?
~ Yes. Unfortunately, secondary is even harder to understand than primary infertility. For as hard it is for a non-IFer to understand IF itself, not even an IFer understands secondary IF - and it sucks big hairy monkey assballs. I also believe there are two types of Secondary IF. The first group is women who had an easy time conceiving #1 and now they are having a tough time with #2. And then there are the women who have never had an easy time.

7. Does the fact you are dealing with secondary(+) IF make baby showers harder or easier for you?
~ Harder because of #6 above.