Saturday, February 28, 2009

I got the hospital bill

I just got the bill from delivering Karl. Hospital for ~me~ only. Not covering any of the separate charges like OB, cardiologist, gas passers, etc. Just the hospital bill for me.)




(my portion is a whole $465, but still. $25 thousand? fuck.)

Friday, February 27, 2009

We interrupt this blog to bring you my next medical issue.

OB's office had called on Wednesday, the day I was in surgery. My pap had came back w/ abnormal cells. So they tested for HPV and lucky me tested positive for one of the 15 "high-risk" types of HPV that can cause cervical cancer.

A little bit about HPV ...

~HPV (human papillomavirus) is a common virus that infects the skin and mucous membranes.

~ There are about 100 types of HPV. Approximately 30 of those are spread through genital contact (typically sexual intercourse). Around 12 – called "low-risk" types of HPV – can cause genital warts. In addition, there are approximately 15 "high-risk" types of HPV that can cause cervical cancer.

~ It is estimated that 80 percent of all women – and 50 percent of men and women combined – will get one or more types of "genital" HPV at some point in their lives.

Yay me. Abnormal cells + positive high risk type of HPV = colposcopy. (tests my cervical cells).

Apparently, this is what the HPV website says about what is happening to me: "Most women will get one or more types of "high-risk" (potentially cancer-causing) HPV at least once in their lives. The body's immune system usually fights off the infection, and most women with HPV never suffer from any problems as a result. In some women, however, the infection does not go away. When the virus stays active in the body for a long period of time, cervical cells may begin to change and the risk of cervical cancer increases. "

That's me. The cells have begun to change and my risk of cervical cancer is increased. I'm to make an appointment for the test as soon as I can.


I watched it and I think I'm ready to comment.

First off, what I wanted to talk about regarding Octomom was her decision to transfer 8 embryos. (I know there is talk about thhis doctor's new technique of "implanting" embryos directly into the lining, but it was unknown if it was done in Octomom's case.) Dr Phil mentioned that she had 40-50 embryos all together (um, holy shit?) so I went and tried to find info.

Apparently, she had 6 embryos transferred in 5 ETs (30 embryos). One set of twins, 4 singletons and the last 6 resulting in all 8.

She put 6 in thinking she'd get at the most 2. (and yes, yes, having more when she couldn't afford what she has is crazy, but I'm talking just IVF protocol here.) But everyone who has already commented are right - she's shown success in each and every transfer, there is no reason why 6 should have been used each time. That doctor should have his license revoked.

I had 4 transferred. 1 - 8 cell Grade A, 1 - 7 cell Grade A, 1 - 6 cell Grade B, and 1 - 5 cell Grade B. My lining was at the very minimum to even carry a pregnancy, well under their minimum required for ET. Due to my age and lining, my doctor surprisingly pushed for 4 embryos when I wanted two. I was stunned when I walked out with 4 in me. Thankfully the statistics worked in my favor and I ended up with just a singleton.

I am very unlike Octomom. I had only failures under my belt. Oh yeah - and I have a career, two children I afford, a husband with a career, a house of our own, do I need to go on?

I just can't go into all what I see wrong in her situation. What I can say is she waited and waited for a way to take care of these children - knowing her 15 minutes would eventually happen. Thats why she didn't lift a finger to get care for all the babies until right now. And the only thing she's doing? She's accepting help. That's all she talked about in the interview (besides explaining how she continuously "rationalized" all her decisions) was how she wanted to accept help and how she wanted to find new avenues for help.

What pisses me off is these children deserve help but she will benefit too. She should have to work off all the help she receives or something. And you know what? Millions of other families need help with their children too - but since she made the worst decisions of them all, she is the one who is getting help from the nation. It's all so unfair.

The larger pictures in this story. Should single people be "allowed" to have kids? Hell yes. Should people with a bunch of kids be "allowed" to have more? Sure. I think ONE thing should be the governing rule when bringing children into this world - that they can be cared for. Parents don't need to be rich, but a child should have a roof over their heads, food in the kitchen, heat/air/water and their own bed to sleep in. If that can't be satisfied, no, a child shouldn't be allowed to be brought into this world.

Of course it happens all the time because most people just have to have unprotected sex, but some people ~try~ for more and more children, without the basics. It just sucks. And that's all I have to say about that.

Thursday, February 26, 2009

I'm actually going to talk about it.


It took me a bit to want to talk about it. I was just going to ignore the whole damned thing, but after seeing some clips from the dr phil show today, I think I'm going to watch it and comment.

Why? Because I hate to admit this - but I'm a bit like her I think. From her questions I saw so far, she said due to the circumstances, they decided 6 embryos was the way to go to get one.

NOW - I do ~not~ know anything about any of the details of what happened yet. So she may be lying. And I still think 6 embryos is a ridiculous number. But I put in 4. And ever since, even though my outcome was perfect, I feel guilty over what a bad decision that really was because of the possible outcomes I pretty much ignored (or crossed my fingers against).

Oh - and I'm simply talking about her IVF decision. Having 6 kids already and being completely unable to care for them (no job, living with her parents, single, etc.) was a bad decision mostly on it's own. I'll try to tackle my opinion on that too. Especially about her right to have more children if single and already having children.

I have to wait for the show now. I'll be back with more on this topic.


And THANK YOU for the comments on my picture up top. I saw how easy it was to put on both blogs. And while closer to a minimalist than a decorator, I thought the pictures ended up looking good. I was a little worried about putting up a picture of one of my kids on this one, but I simply just didn't have any long/skinny (skinny picture, not a skinny me) pictures of just me. One I did have made me look like I had a mustache! You may of seen that one up for about 5 minutes while I searched for another one!

Wednesday, February 25, 2009

Sorry to keep you waiting!

I had to be at the hospital so early, I didn't have time to update.

Today's hpt - clearly negative. Even after just looking at it right now, no dried evap line. Yesterday's must of just been some fucked up joke.

No surprise baby for me.

And no babies for me ever again.

I'm sterile.

Tuesday, February 24, 2009

What the FUCK is that?

(click on image to see it larger)

I still have a few hpts sitting under my sink and thought I'd take one so I got ~no surprises~ tomorrow in outpatient surgery. So I POAS.

What the fuck is in the test window? That is ~so~ not a line, right? RIGHT? That's just some weird evap line I'm sure. I must of pulled it out of the lets-fuck-with-her-mind brand hpt box.

I am ~not~ one of those women who get "unwanted" BFPs. They are the most coveted result ever to achieve! They don't just pop up out of the blue.

That just is ~not~ a light, early BFP. Heh. The HPT gods had to fuck with me one last time. Good one! The joke's on me!!

Surgery tomorrow

My surgery is tomorrow. I'm not worried in the very least. Plus, I bribed my OB today, so I should get some extra special treatment!

Okay, so it wasn't a real bribe, but I did have breakfast catered for my entire OB's office this morning. I ordered the "Classy Continental " which consisted of:
~ Imported coffee
~ Freshly squeezed orange juice
~ Seasonal fresh fruit
~ Sweet mini muffins & scones w/ butter and jam.
~ Hot buttermilk bicuits w/ jam, butter and honey.

The note simply said "A small token of our appreciation to every single person in the office. Signed, Nancy & Tom Leisher and baby Karl"

I must admit that it's a strange feeling to think that in 20 short hours, I'll be sterile. I know we're done having babies, but making it official? Ugh. My heart is hurting a bit right now.

Monday, February 23, 2009

My answers (and thoughts/comments) regarding baby showers

I fit into all of the categories, so I'm going to give all my answers below. But first, I would like to give some thoughts/opinions about this topic. I apologize now if my opinions are negative to what you did. I am definitely on the conservative side of this topic. Maybe it's my age, maybe it's where I grew up, maybe it's just the way I think.

~ The reason my friends and I were even talking about this was I have been shocked at the number of baby showers I've been seeing from people lately. Mind you, I understand some people just like to have as many parties as possibly thrown in their honor, it's just that personally, I find it presumptuous. I can see how some can't be combined, like work and personal, but I think that most of these situations can be avoided. For instance, I found out which one of my best friends were going to throw my shower and we talked about guest lists early on. This way, if anyone outside of the group (work, in-laws, etc) asked about a shower, I would tell them so-and-so was throwing it and they would be invited. Now no one had a reason to throw me another one as family, friends, in-laws, work, everyone was invited to just the one. To counter having a bajillion people invited, I only invited those who would expect to come. None of my guests learned of my pregnancy from my invite.

~ As for showers for additional pregnancies, I personally find it in bad taste. And while I think there are reasons why a traditional shower for a 2nd child would be okay, I also think many of the reasons people rationalize 2nd showers with are just that - rationalizations. Not in the Water had a great comment in the last post about this: "I am sorry your first was a girl and you chose to register for all pink gear including the pack n play and the stroller. But I am not going to supply you with now blue gear just a few short years later. " I 100% agree!

Other reasons I've seen which I think are rationalizations are ~"I've moved since I had the last baby, so none of these people have purchased a gift for me." (Are you kidding me? Having a new guest pool isn't a good reason to ask for presents!) ~"I gave away/sold all of my baby stuff, so I needed everything again". (it's "our" fault you didn't save your stuff and your guests get to foot the bill?) ~ "I'm having twins this time!" (One of my best friend has twins and I know this doesn't mean double the stuff. It means 2 cribs, swings and bouncy seats, but since you have all of your singleton stuff already, this isn't a stretch. Using this rationalization, should we all be sending OctoMom baby gear?)

There ARE very good reasons for having another baby shower too - like losing all of your things in a fire. I ~do~ think all babies deserve a celebration though! Have a "no gifts" get together. Have a diaper shower. As much as I'm against baby showers for 2nd(+) babies, I'm just as against doing nothing at all. And let me say that I will always still get a present for all my friends having their 2nd(+) babies. I simply think requesting gifts by having a registry is in bad taste. (again, sorry if this offends anyone! It's totally just my opinion.

~ Now for my opinions on registries! I am someone who ~loves~ the use of registries. I am just from the school of being conservative when it comes to asking for gifts. When I completed my registry, I was sure to put on A LOT of items in all price ranges. This way, my guests could buy a few little items totaling $10 or go for something as expensive as $50, which was my upper price limit. My inlaws and parents wanted to get one of the major ticket items for us, so I just told them what we still needed. I felt really weird putting the expensive items on there. Even though people will buy what they want, just having large items made me feel like I was actually asking for them. A few people wanted to go in together on a large purchase and they either asked me what else I needed or they pooled their money and got a gift certificate. Truth be told, we bought most of the big ticket items ourselves way before the shower, as I think as married adults who made the decision to have a baby, it was our job to purchase what our baby needed.

Enough about me being all opinionated and here are my answers:

first time moms (1st pregnancy, regardless of # of babies) ...
1. How many baby showers are you getting?
~ One.

2. Who is throwing it/them?
~ A few of my girlfriends.

3. If you are having more than one shower, is there a reason why they can't be combined?
~ We did combine. One shower had friends, family, in laws and coworkers.

4. Is there anything you left off of registries? (big ticket items? breastfeeding supplies? Anything?)
~We left off anything over $50 and didn't register for breastfeeding supplies at all.

second time moms (2nd pregnancy) ...
1. Are you having a shower for your second baby?
~ no and yes. (keep reading)

2. If no, why not? (skip rest of questions)
~ We didn't think it was appropriate for a 2nd baby.

3. If yes, how long has it been since your first baby shower? Is this baby the same gender as first?
~ Babies are 15 months apart. Babies were both girls.

4. If yes, do you feel "bad" for having another baby shower? Are you doing anything to make it more acceptable like requesting "no gifts" or "diapers only"?
~ We would have felt bad to have another baby shower, so we had a diaper shower. My girlfriends threw it, but it was at a restaurant and I paid for all food/drinks. The shower invite directed "no gifts" and to bring a pack of diapers instead. Funny thing is the diapers cost about $10-15 bucks and I ended up feeling guilty anyway!

5. If yes, how many are you getting?
~ Just the one diaper shower.

6. If more than one, is there a reason why they can't be combined?
~ n/a

7. Did you complete a registry? If yes, was there any differences from how you registered w/ your first?
~ no way!

third(+) time moms (3rd pregnancy or more) ...
1. Are you having a shower?
~ No.

2. If no, why not? (skip rest of questions)
~ Didn't feel like it was appropriate. We did have friends in another state throw us a bbq in celebration of the baby.

Those ttc +1 ...
1. Does being invited to baby showers bother you at all?
~ It ended up that way.

2. If yes, when did it start to bother you? (ie: how long in the ttc process?)
~ After the year mark and first failed treatment cycles.

3. Do you think the girl who invited you should have done anything special to accommodate you?
~ no way. I thought it was nice if I got a call outside of the announcement, but that was so not necessary.

4. Do you feel rsvp-ing w/ a "no" and sending a gift is an appropriate response for your own self preservation? Or do you think your own IF is no reason to not attend and you should just suck it up?
~ If you need to protect your heart, sending a gift and not attending is completely appropriate. I did suck it up for a few close friends, but in all truthfulness, they were the ones who understood.

5. Have you ever had a bad experience in regards to a baby shower invite? (drama involved either being invited or even ~not~ being invited?, etc?)
~ Nope.

Those ttc and dealing with secondary (or more) IF ...
1. Does being invited to baby showers bother you at all?
~ Yes.

2. If yes, when did it start to bother you? (ie: how long in the ttc process?)
~ since I had primary infertility, all baby showers bothered me from the start.

3. Do you think the girl who invited you should have done anything special to accommodate you?
~ no way. I thought it was nice if I got a call outside of the announcement, but that was so not necessary.

4. Do you feel rsvp-ing w/ a "no" and sending a gift is an appropriate response for your own self preservation? Or do you think your own IF is no reason to not attend and you should just suck it up?
~ If you need to protect your heart, sending a gift and not attending is completely appropriate. I did suck it up for a few close friends, but in all truthfulness, they were the ones who understood.

5. Have you ever had a bad experience in regards to a baby shower invite? (drama involved either being invited or even ~not~ being invited?, etc?)
~ No.

6. Do you think there is added pressure on you to "just be happy" because you already have a baby?
~ Yes. Unfortunately, secondary is even harder to understand than primary infertility. For as hard it is for a non-IFer to understand IF itself, not even an IFer understands secondary IF - and it sucks big hairy monkey assballs. I also believe there are two types of Secondary IF. The first group is women who had an easy time conceiving #1 and now they are having a tough time with #2. And then there are the women who have never had an easy time.

7. Does the fact you are dealing with secondary(+) IF make baby showers harder or easier for you?
~ Harder because of #6 above.

Question about baby showers ...

The first three sets of questions are posed to mothers/preggos. The fourth set of questions is posed to those ttc their first. The fifth set is posed to those experiencing secondary(+) infertility.

first time moms (1st pregnancy, regardless of # of babies) ...
1. How many baby showers are you getting?
2. Who is throwing it/them?
3. If you are having more than one shower, is there a reason why they can't be combined?
4. Is there anything you left off of registries? (big ticket items? breastfeeding supplies? Anything?)

second time moms (2nd pregnancy)...
1. Are you having a shower for your second baby?
2. If no, why not? (skip rest of questions)
3. If yes, how long has it been since your first baby shower? Is this baby the same gender as first?
4. If yes, do you feel "bad" for having another baby shower? Are you doing anything to make it more acceptable like requesting "no gifts" or "diapers only"?
5. If yes, how many are you getting?
6. If more than one, is there a reason why they can't be combined?
7. Did you complete a registry? If yes, was there any differences from how you registered w/ your first?

third(+) time moms (3rd pregnancy or more) ...
1. Are you having a shower?
2. If no, why not? (skip rest of questions)
3. If yes, how long has it been since your last baby shower? Is this baby the same gender as first two?
4. If yes, do you feel "bad" for having another baby shower? Are you doing anything to make it more acceptable like requesting "no gifts" or "diapers only"?
5. If yes, how many are you getting?
6. If more than one, is there a reason why they can't be combined?
7. Did you complete a registry? If yes, was there any differences from how you registered w/ your first two pregnancies?

Those ttc +1 ...
1. Does being invited to baby showers bother you at all?
2. If yes, when did it start to bother you? (ie: how long in the ttc process?)
3. Do you think the girl who invited you should have done anything special to accommodate you?
4. Do you feel rsvp-ing w/ a "no" and sending a gift is an appropriate response for your own self preservation? Or do you think your own IF is no reason to not attend and you should just suck it up?
5. Have you ever had a bad experience in regards to a baby shower invite? (drama involved either being invited or even ~not~ being invited?, etc?)

Those ttc and dealing with secondary (or more) IF ...
1. Does being invited to baby showers bother you at all?
2. If yes, when did it start to bother you? (ie: how long in the ttc process?)
3. Do you think the girl who invited you should have done anything special to accommodate you?
4. Do you feel rsvp-ing w/ a "no" and sending a gift is an appropriate response for your own self preservation? Or do you think your own IF is no reason to not attend and you should just suck it up?
5. Have you ever had a bad experience in regards to a baby shower invite? (drama involved either being invited or even ~not~ being invited?, etc?)
6. Do you think there is added pressure on you to "just be happy" because you already have a baby?
7. Does the fact you are dealing with secondary(+) IF make baby showers harder or easier for you?

Sunday, February 22, 2009

More on the marijuana topic

I found myself writing a lot in the comments on the last post, so I thought I'd just create a whole new discussion instead. But before I go into what I wanted to talk about, I wanted to give some background information and dispel some assumptions first.

~ I would not call myself pro-marijuana in the definition I am pushing marijuana use on anyone. I am, however, anti-anti-marijuana. I simply do not think marijuana should be bundled into the "drug" category, next to crack and methamphetamine.

~ I did smoke pot for quite a long time (started at end of high school), but I do not smoke anymore. I quit back before I had kids and maybe even before I got married. There has been the random partaking though.

~ I'm not anti-marijuana, but would I want my children to smoke it? It's one of those moral questions I can't answer because I'm not there yet. I can say I won't ~want~ my children to smoke pot, but I certainly won't think I'll be disappointed if they do. I'd much rather them smoke pot instead of drink beer - that's for damned sure.

~ I am anti pot smoking in regards to some types of smokers. When I smoked, it was a casual thing. Something we did at a party or after work or after classes. Something we did at home or some other "safe" place. I never got high before school or work. I don't think you should smoke pot and drive, although I believe it's a million times safer than drinking and driving. Fact remains it's still a mind altering substance and it's unfair to put other people on the road at risk. So. The pot smokers which I am "against" are the kinds who blow off anything to smoke pot (school, work, etc.) or who get high and go to class or work high. The smokers who think it's okay to smoke and drive. Basically, I think it can be abused and I am definitely not "for" that.

As for the comments I wanted to make from the last post:

~ The entire "gateway" drug thing is utterly ridiculous! I can see why those against drugs just LOVE the idea of a "gateway drug", but it just seems so fucking brainless to me. Marijuana is simply one of the most available drugs out there. And I bet it's one of the most used drugs out there too (more on this in a moment). It's common sense most hardcore drug users had tried marijuana first. This whole concept is like using hindsight judgement and declaring "I knew it!" Ask a crackhead if they smoked pot first and you are more than likely going to get a "yes" in response. But marijuana use causing the use of "more dangerous hard drugs and crime"?? Let me just point out some numbers and you can come to your own conclusion.

SAMHSA (Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration) has come up with a few numbers about drug use in the United States:
12.5 million people in the US are current users of ~any~ illicit drug. Of that large number, 2.1 million people are users of what is considered the hard stuff: heroin, crack, and cocaine.

NHSDA (National Household Survey on Drug Abuse) came up with some very interesting numbers about marijuana use:
Marijuana is the Nation's most commonly used illicit drug. More than 83 million Americans (37 percent) age 12 and older have tried marijuana at least once

WOW!! 83 million people have tried marijuana at least once, yet only 2.1 million people are current users of the hard stuff (heroin, crack and cocaine) which are the "more dangerous hard drugs" as defined by the gateway drug theory. Marijuana sure isn't doing it's job as a working gateway drug. Out of the 83 million people who have smoked marijuana, only 2.1 million people are using those dangerous drugs the gateway drug theory warns us about. There is still time though! Maybe 80,900,000 of those marijuana users are going to pick up a crack pipe soon to fulfill the gateway drug prophecy.

~ Someone commented and asked why pot smokers hide their marijuana from their children. He points out that since we think it's so harmless, we should share it with our children.

I'm hoping that was supposed to be a funny comment and the question isn't actually being asked, but just in case ...

Just because beer is legal, I'm not sharing it with my kids. And like I mentioned above, I don't think anyone ~wants~ their children to smoke pot (or anything like that - beer, cigarettes, etc), so we aren't going to glorify it. Plus, it's illegal and who would want to put their children in that position? As for it being "harmless", I don't know where that comes from. No one said marijuana was harmless. It's less harmful comparatively speaking, but harmless it's not. I speak to this very subject in my last bulleted item on this list.

~ Mareike made a really good comment about the 'lawbreakers': "If people didn't break unjust laws they may never be changed. Inter-racial marriage would still be illegal. Co-habitation would still be illegal. Black people would still be having to ride in the back of the bus, be in separate schools, use different bathrooms etc." Makes you think, doesn't it?

~ Joe's statement, "I don’t want to hear any of that, 'he’s setting a bad example with the children' nonsense either, because we all know if he had a gin and tonic in his hand instead of a bong this would never have been an issue." REALLY struck a chord with me. It's such hypocrisy (alcohol being okay when it is so bad for you.)!!

Hey, if the nation wants to make a guy who simply swims fast a national hero, maybe they should make the guy sign a binding contract agreeing he will NOT partake in anything unhealthy. No drugs for sure. No alcohol. No fatty foods. No sugar. No staying up late. No jaywalking. ONLY THEN can you hold the poor guy accountable for being a freaking ~normal~ kid. Phelps didn't apply for the "national hero" job.

~ I don't think any marijuana supporters think its harmless. It's just less damaging than virtually everything else. Yes, the smoking aspect of it IS the issue. Even Mr Rogan said "Marijuana is relatively harmless and certainly far less dangerous than a host of other things that are not only legal but also readily available, like alcohol and prescription drugs."

I have seen the studies over the years about how bad smoking a joint really is, because there is no filter - and how it's that "same as" smoking something like 5 cigarettes. (not the actual number, I don't remember and I'm not looking it up).

But the thing is - most people don't smoke the comparative number of joints to cigarettes (ie: a pack a day = 4 joints and most pot smokers just don't smoke 4 entire joints a day. Hell, I used to smoke pot every single day (stopped smoking for work years ago, before kids) and I never ever smoked an entire joint myself.

And smoking through a bong may be "better" for you due to (did look this up): "they filter out other, non-solid smoke toxins occurring in the gas phase of the smoke. Noxious gases known to occur in marijuana smoke include hydrogen cyanide, which incapacitates the lung's defensive cilia; volatile phenols, which contribute to the harshness of the taste; aldehydes, which promote cancer; and carbon monoxide, a known risk factor in heart disease. Previous studies indicate that water filtration may be quite effective in absorbing some of these".

No matter what someone smokes out of, it's better to NOT smoke.

Saturday, February 21, 2009

Joe Rogan's open letter to Kellogg’s re: Michael Phelps

Sarah brought this to my attention and I think it's fucking hilarious. Take the time to read the following from

It's especially a good read if you are anti-marijuana and made some of the common 'arguments' in my last post about this. Now, before you get your non-hemp panties all up in a bunch, I am ~not~ suggesting any anti-marijuana person turn pro-marijuana. Admit that maybe you just don't know the facts and be like Switzerland. Know your shit (yes, both sides!) before you go anti on anything. Then, if you still want to throw marijuana into the same category of the drugs in the "don't do drugs" party, be my guest.

Copied completely without permission:

An open letter to Kellogg’s re: Michael Phelps
February 16, 2009

Dear, Kellogg’s.
I’m writing this letter to express my disappointment in your company in firing Michael Phelps as a spokesperson for your products because he was photographed while enjoying some marijuana. I respectfully would like to communicate my opinion on this matter because I think it’s of great public interest.

First of all, although it is true that Mr. Phelps broke the law, I think any reasonably intelligent person would admit that it’s one of the most fucked up and corrupt laws that we have today in this country. Marijuana is relatively harmless and certainly far less dangerous than a host of other things that are not only legal but also readily available, like alcohol and prescription drugs. The only reason it remains illegal to this day is because it’s a plant and you can’t patent it and control it’s sale, and because if it were legal it would greatly affect the demand for a host of prescription drugs that rake in billions of dollars each year for pharmaceutical companies.

That’s it.

Marijuana has never killed anyone EVER in over 10,000 years of use. We’re not protecting people from themselves, we’re not saving the children - it’s just a horribly illogical law that is in place because of corruption and propaganda.

The fact that it’s against the law is just a disgusting reminder of how retarded our system is, not a reasonable reaction to a proven threat to society.

I have to say, this whole thing saddens me, because I personally would like to think that as Americans we’re better than this. These television news anchors will shake their heads at the thoughtless mistake Mr. Phelps had made by “smoking dope,” and then without even the tiniest sense of irony they will cut to a beer commercial.

This is supposed to be the land of the free and the home of the brave, right? We’re not supposed to be a nation of little bitches giving in to the whims of corrupt politicians and the pharmaceutical companies who’s interests they’re representing.

It’s 2009, and in this day and age with the incredible access to information that we have available there’s no fucking way that we should be allowing human beings to tell other human beings that they can’t do something that they enjoy that hurts no one including themselves.

THAT is madness. THAT is ignorant, and THAT is completely fucking un-American. I don’t want to hear any of that, “he’s setting a bad example with the children” nonsense either, because we all know if he had a gin and tonic in his hand instead of a bong this would never have been an issue, even though every single study ever done has shown that marijuana is FAR less dangerous than alcohol.

Marijuana laws are a horrible waste of resources and law enforcement, and especially in this day and age with our economy in such horrible shape I believe the last thing we need to be doing is wasting tax payers’ money on any of this victimless bullshit.

I find your reactions to Mr. Phelps situation both ignorant and short sighted. I think what would have been a far better response from Kellogg’s would be to support Mr. Phelps, and perhaps point out that maybe we as a society should take a closer look at the evidence and possibly reconsider our position on this misunderstood plant that so many of our productive citizens find useful. Now, I’m sure if you really were running Kellogg’s and you were still reading my bullshit all the way down to this, you must be thinking, “Why the hell would we stick our necks out like that for pot smokers?”

And of course the answer to that question would be, because we buy your shit, motherfucker.

Do you guys even know your consumer statistics? Well, let me fill you in on some of my own personal scientific research on the subject, because I have been closely studying my own purchases for over 20 years, and I can tell you that I’ve been high 100% of the time I’ve bought your shit. I mean, do you guys ever think about what you sell? Pop tarts? Are you kidding me? I would be willing to bet that 50% of the people buying pop tarts are stoned out of their fucking minds. Just to be perfectly clear on my position, I would like you to know that I enjoy your products. I think many of them are quite tasty, but lets be honest; you guys sell sugar-drenched shit that’s horrible for your body - in fact, it’s actually way worse for your body than pot - and you market this shit specifically to children. You assholes go as far as putting lovable cartoon characters on the boxes just so that kids will beg their parents for it.

Now, I don’t want you to misunderstand my point, because I in no way want anything bad to happen to your company. Like I said, I genuinely enjoy your products. There’s nothing quite like being stoned out of your mind at 2am watching a Chuck Norris movie and eating a bowl of fruit loops. Your company and its products have been a part of some very pleasurable moments in guilty eating, and I’m glad you’re around.

All I’m saying is that it’s high time (no pun intended) that you motherfuckers respect the stoner dollar. There’s WAY more of us than you might think, and we tend to get upset about dumb shit like this. There are millions of us, and if we decide that we don’t like a company, they’re going to feel it.

I think if you looked into it carefully, you would be surprised at how many undercover potheads there are out there. Pot smokers don’t all fit into the obvious, negative stereotypes; we come in all shapes and forms - including by the way, the form of the greatest fucking swimmer who ever lived, EVER.

Think about THAT shit for a second..

So in closing, I would like to ask you nice folks to please smarten the fuck up. I would request that you check the calendar and note that it’s 2000 and fucking 9, and next time you think about getting all uppity about pot you might want to do a quick google search on the facts.

It’s 4:40am here in LA, and I’m going to wrap up this blog and to celebrate its completion I’m going to enjoy one of my personal favorite Kellogg’s products: Eggo waffles.

I’m gonna pop 4 of them bitches into the toaster, and then I’m gonna stuff the bong with some fine, American grown “Train Wreck” and sacrifice the sacred plant to the fire gods in tribute to the unjustly persecuted 8 time Olympian hero. Then I’m gonna get some butter, and I’m gonna smear it on those Eggos, I’m gonna cover them with maple syrup, and I’m going to eat the ever loving fuck out of them.

Good day, sirs.

Yours truly,

Joe Rogan.

I think I'm in schnarky love.

Top Ten List.

Maybe even Top 5 or Top 3.

That is where I would put tonight's love making. It definitely made the list as one of the best sex sessions I have ~ever~ had.

I'm very sorry for anyone who knows me in real life to have had to read that.

Friday, February 20, 2009

Getting To Know You (GTKY #1)

You all know ~me~ from reading my blog. Now I want to get to know you by asking some questions.

Please cut/paste these questions into the comments and answer them truthfully! ~wink~

Q1: Let's say you are driving by yourself in the middle of a long drive. You are in a good mood and you have every album ever made available to listen to. Name 1-3 albums you would choose to listen to.

Q2: Let's say you have been dating a guy for 1 year and he just broke up with you. What ~sad~ break-up music would you listen to?

Q3: Now you are more pissed for him breaking up than sad. What ~angry~ music would you choose?

Q4: You are on death row and have been offered a last meal. What would you pick?

Q5: You have a free night to hang out with your friends and you get to pick the night. What would you choose to do? If you would go somewhere to have drinks, what kind of club/bar would you want to go? Would you rather have a girls only night? Or mixed company?

Q6: You are on your night out with friends and someone else is the designated driver. You have all night and nothing to do in the morning but sleep. What would you choose to drink? What level of drunkenness would you chose to achieve?

Q7: Your designated driver is now driving everyone home and offers to stop anywhere you want to feed your drunk ass. What would you pick?

Q8: You have a gift certificate for 2 pairs of shoes to a shoe store that carries every brand of shoe in the world and every shoe costs the exact same amount. What casual shoe would you pick? What dress shoe would you pick?

Q9: Let's say these things all cost the exact same and you are told to pick ~three~ things. What would you pick?: Pair of shoes. Handbag. Bundle of craft items. Outfit at your favorite store. Day at the spa. MP3 player. Dinner & drinks at your favorite restaurant. Concert tickets to your favorite band. 3 month gym membership. Hotel room at the city's fanciest hotel. Makeup/beauty bundle. Haircut and color. A kitchen appliance like an espresso machine, something frivolous.

Q10: What do you do for a living? Is it your dream job? If not, what is your dream job?

Q11: Do you have a college degree? If yes, what is it in? If no, are you planning to go back?

Q12: If you could start your education over, would you change anything? If so, what?

Q13: What are your summer hobbies. (Things you actually do, not things you would like to do but rarely do them. For instance, many people say "hiking" although they can't remember the last time they went.)

Q14: What are your winter hobbies?

Q15: Are you ~happy~ with your life? If not, what would make you happy?

Thursday, February 19, 2009

I will be sterilized next wednesday.

I had my 6w postpartum checkup today.

First thing he asked was "What are you going to do about birth control?" And I said "we need to do something, because I can't seem to stop having unprotected sex!". heh. I told him I wanted to get my tubes tied. He suggested doing the Essure procedure instead.

The Essure procedure is where the doc threads wires up each fallopian tube. In the time period of 3 months, tissue will grow around the wires, completely blocking the passageways. At the end of the 3 months, a low pressure HSG is performed to ensure tubes are blocked. During the 3 months, another form of birth control must be used.

I told him I had too much anxiety about getting another painful HSG, as the 4 I received all hurt like hell. They hurt worse when I had a blocked tube. I also didn't want to get an in-office procedure done, as the IUD insertion itself hurt me. I've just had too much done down there, I don't want anymore pain.

He had a solution. He'll do the procedure for me in the hospital, under full anesthesia. And as for the HSG, he said it's low pressure, much different than the high pressure ones used when they are trying to open your tubes. I'm still a bit anxious over the HSG nevertheless. I'm going to have him prescribe me some valium or something to calm my ass down when I need to get it done. That should help. Plus, while I'm under, it'll give him opportunity to go take a look around and make sure everything is healing right from the retained placenta.

Right on. It's all scheduled for next Wednesday at 9am.

And for something fucked up? I was handed a bill for $1,100 today, $850 more than I expected. The billing girl came right up front when she heard me go "WHOA! What am I being billed for?" and we took a look.

Seems the office made a small mistake. When coding the emergency d&c which was performed to ~save my life~, they accidently coded it as "abortion".

This is a bit hard. (and something very interesting)

I'm definitely making the separation between this blog and my other blog. I'm trying to update both everyday. Karl updates & pictures, Ella and Allison news, kid and parenting related stuff will be over there, while my sarcastic and schnarky self and any "me" news will be over here. Seems simple.

But the separation isn't that simple. Most of my identity right now is wrapped around being the mother of a newborn. Most of my health related shit is wrapped around having just given birth. AND most importantly (to me) is cute ass all hell updates/news (like today's post) is over there, not getting read by my largest audience.

Yes, yes. I totally understand why my other blog is not my largest audience. I'm just now starting to put time into it and I'm coming from the ttc side of the community. And mommy blogs just aren't that exciting - even to other mommies! We are very interested in our own children but other people's kids? Not so much. And I know my kids are "other people's kids" to everyone else out there.

So forgive me until I get my bearings. I'm going to "advertise" certain posts here so I can still do the very normal thing of 'new baby bragging'. I know it's oh so wrong, especially in this community, but I just can't help it. And I'm going to screw up and post things here I should be posting over there.

Health update:

I saw my PCP yesterday and he totally thinks it's my gallbladder. (Is that two words or one? I see them both being used.) He has ordered the HIDA scan and we're waiting for approval. He did tell me he is proactive in removing the thing, but it will be up to me. So that's where we are now.

After talking about the gallbladder, I brought up a very annoying back pain I get eventually after having each of my babies. It's a ~burning~ pain, different from my spine injury pain and different from any muscle pull pains I've ever had. It's from one concentrated area, right at the bottom of my right shoulder blade. My doc said one (or two) words. "Gallbladder". Apparently this is a very common symptom.

I'm not too sure though. I have gotten it consistently with every baby and I've never had pain from my actual gallbladder until last week. And the pain in my shoulder is all day, everyday. It's not muscle or spine related, I will admit that, but it's a pain I have for months and months and months and it finally goes away. He hypothesized that I've had this gallbladder problem for years and it "acts up" after pregnancy, only showing itself by my shoulder blade pain. And it going away has nothing to do with the baby not needing to be held constantly and however different my posture/movements are with a newborn, but it has all to do with my gallbladder function getting back to normal. I just think he's a doc who has a diagnosis in his head and he's just making everything fit that one thing. I guess there is nothing else to do but wait and see.

Something very interesting:

Over on the sidebar today, Blogher has an article on how to find the best IF clinic. In the article, there is a link to a report this report: Top 25 IVF Clinics In United States By Live Birth Rate For Women Under 35. The first RE we saw to conceive Ella is listed as #12. In the nation! Wow. And personally, I didn't like our experience there at all. (Among other things that happened, he ordered cd3 blood work, you know, the first thing we all start with. And they couldn't get a vein. So he said "that's usually not the problem, so we'll just skip it." Seriously?) But I guess his IVF rates are freaking fantastic. And CCRM is #14 on the list, which is much lower than I would have suspected - I thought they were the famous top clinic.

Ah. I see now. Where the #12 clinic had 73 total cycles in 2006, #14 CCRM had 1,236 cycles. So #12's 66.7% success rate was actually only 46 live births. CCRM had 805 live births. Yeah, statistics can definitely warp the overall view of something if you don't dig in.

Wednesday, February 18, 2009

Awards Time.

As I just told Kimbosue, "It's an honor just to be nominated." ~smile~

I recently have received 3 shoutouts from fellow bloggers Kimbosue, Amanda and Valerie.

First up is the Honest Scrap award, given to me by Valerie and Amanda, which I'm tickled to get because I've seen everyone getting it recently and no one gave it to me. (boohoo, poor me!) But it looks like ~two~ people gave it to me! (Sorry I missed the first one Amanda!)

These are given to blogs that are found brilliant in content or design. To be passed on to 7 bloggers (see end of post) then list at least 10 honest things about yourself.
1. I'm a hypocrite about a lot of things. But I'll be the first to admit it.
2. I like to play the know it all. (~gasp~)
3. I think I'm an ugly duckling.
4. I find my body pretty gross right now.
5. I forget how I really don't enjoy the newborn phase comparatively speaking to other ages.
6. I secretly would be thrilled over an "oops" pregnancy.
7. I would throw up if I actually became pregnant because it would be such a bad idea.
8. I enjoy having surgery because I ~love~ being put under.
9. I text way, way, way too much.
10. Many of my roller derby girl teammates honestly terrify me.

The next is the Lemonade Stand Award.

These are given to bloggers for great attitude and gratitude. Nothing to "do" for this award, except link to the person who gave it to you (It was Kimbosue) and forward it on to 10 other bloggers (see end of post).

The last was from Kimbosue again, (thank you hun!) and it's the "10 quirks about you" Meme. Forward it on to 10 other bloggers (see end of post) and obviously, give your list of 10 quirks.
1. I always write a little extra "thing" when signing my name. It's barely visible, but it's on every single signature ever.
2. I type as I would speak. My enunciation are done with tildas (~) and quotation marks. And my stupid little comments I make are written as my tons of parenthetical statements.
3. I have a crush on Gordon Ramsey.
4. I love watching Top Gear on BBC America.
5. Water on the floor of the bathroom, outside our shower, really pisses me off.
6. I hate to unload the dishwasher.
7. I love to write on graph paper.
8. I hold my breath when passing someone else in a hallway.
9. I can run miles and miles on a treadmill or outside, but stationary bikes kick my ass.
10. I'm a freak about balancing my checkbook to the penny. Even having online banking, I still keep my own record of my books and I'll sit for hours and hours to balance it.

Now, for the passing on. I'm going to list 10 bloggers and they get to pick whatever award they want to do (or just choose to not do any of them!). I think all these girls are 'worthy' of any of them, so I certainly don't need to distinguish one award from another.
Chicklet, Lori, Tobacco Brunette, Callie, Dot, Sarah, Sara, Jenn, Pam and MrsSpock.

Tuesday, February 17, 2009


Just a reminder I put all of Karl updates over at my other blog, TheOtherLifeOfNancy. I just put a huge post about "what to register for" that may be of some help to mommies pregnant with their first.

And read the post right after this one. I don't want that one to not get read because I put a post on top of it!

You all know of this place, right?

My friends Lori and Chicklet have quite a cool reveiw site called All Thumbs Reviews.

You know of it, right? Of course you do. If you don't, go check it out and bookmark it. And if for some reason you forget to bookmark it, I gotcha covered - look for the below picture on my sidebar and click on it - it'll bring you right there.

I wouldn't be telling you about it if I didn't think it was noteworthy. Plus, it's done by the coolest of the cool, which makes anything they do cool too. Right? So yeah. Go check it out. If you don't - you're just lame.

Terms of Endearment

This movie was made in 1983 and I must of seen it a billion times. (okay, maybe like 10) Each time, I cry.

I just finished watching it again. Today was no different.

Saturday, February 14, 2009

"Michael Phelps' Bong Hit"

While waiting in the ER last night, I hear CNN say "Next, more on Michael Phelps' Bong Hit."

Good lord, why is this news? Who the fuck cares if Michael Phelps is taking bong hits? He wasn't taking them during the olympics. He's on ~vacation~. Let the boy smoke pot if he wants to. Let loose. He wasn't smoking crack for goodness sake.

You know, I actually give the guy ~more~ props for doing so well and being a pot smoker. Most potheads just hang out on the couch and eat chips. This guy was out winning gold medals! Go Michael! He should get another medal just for that.

Friday, February 13, 2009

Now it is definitely NOT funny.

Allison (my 3 1/2 year old) comes out of the bedroom ~freaking~ out. I couldn't understand her. Finally I heard the words "I swallowed a penny!". And she was holding her throat screaming "owwie!".

I felt her throat. I could feel it. I look at Tom. Who do I call?

"911, where is your emergency?"

The 911 operator was awesome. In 3 minutes, my living room was filled with two firemen, two EMTs and a policeman.

The coin had dislodged itself and by the time she was being examined, it was no longer felt in the throat nor was she complaining of pain in her upper chest. But since it got stuck, they piled me and Allison in the ambulance and off to the hospital we went.

The xray showed it safely in her stomach and it should pass. Thank God.

Okay, when I said "what next?" - I did NOT mean anything with my children. Leave them out of this great big joke of a life I'm having medically right now. I will continue to take the brunt of anything getting thrown at this family, okay? I don't want to share this time.

Well, now it's just funny.

I threw my back out today.

I must have really pissed someone off in the world of karma. My goodness.

I was running out the door because I was super late for my hair appointment. I had baby carrier in my left hand and turned to the right to get the door. It was out of my reach and I bent funny to grab it and whoa. Holy mother of god back pain. It goes up and down the left side of my back. Awesome!

Believe me people, I'm getting tired of my whining myself. I just want to be healthy, like I usually am.

At least my hair looks good.

Thursday, February 12, 2009

(Updated) "Have you thought about sterilization?"

When I saw the NP yesterday, that's the question she asked me. Which, was a very pertinent question and something I have been thinking of. She wasn't being rude, mean or uncaring. But gah. "Sterilization". What a word.

I'm going to talk to my OB next week at my 6w postpartum checkup, but me and the NP chatted a bit. I think I've got it figured out. I'm going to get my tubes tied.

I want permanent birth control. I'm 36 years old and have what I consider a full family for us. She offered up some other "easier" types of permanent birth control, but the Ensure thing (where they put little spirals of wire up your fallopian tubes and your tissue grows around them, blocking your tubes) has some things up front I don't want to do.
1) it's in office and would be uncomfortable, even painful.
2) it takes 3 months for the tissue to grow around the wires and during that time, i'll have to use another form of birth control.
3) i would have to get an HSG to verify my tubes are blocked. Ack. First off, HSGs are outrageously painful for me. Some people don't have a problem, but I have had 4 HSGs and each one sucked. The worst was when I had a blocked tube - so I do ~not~ want to go in there with 2 blocked tubes for another one. This one causes me all kinds of anxiety.

The tubes tying thing ~is~ a surgery. I will have to go through that uncomfortable phase of recovery. I'll most likely have the shoulder pain from the carbon dioxide they pump into your belly. But it will be over lickety split compared to 3 months with the other option.

My big worry is the aspect of continuing to get cysts if my LUF syndrome continues. If it does, I can go on a low dose birth control pill, but I won't have to worry about that as my only form of birth control.

I ~really~ wanted Tom to get snipped (too) because after all I went through, I felt he should contribute in some way. But I can't figure out a way to rationalize him getting a vasectomy if I'm getting my tubes tied. Anyone have any ideas? (yes, it's completely due to spite.)

Update - The above statement looks like Tom isn't agreeing to a vasectomy, but he was completely on board. Tom WILL get snipped and has agreed. But I don't want to rely on that alone, so I'm getting something done myself. But now that I'm getting it done, he doesn't see why he should too. See what I'm saying?

Quick update

I saw my OB yesterday and he checked out the reports from the ER. He said the little pieces of tissue is totally normal and should dissolve back into my body without issue. He said he didn't know why the ER doc even mentioned it, because it was so minor.

I dealt with retained placental tissue after Allison's birth and had to get another d&c at 6w postpartum, so I do know what to look for and I can say the pain I felt wasn't anything like what I had when that happened. It was more of a "bled like a stuck pig" thing and I'm not bleeding at all now. But hey, glad we checked it out just in case.

So I have a follow up with my primary care next week to discuss the gall bladder thing. It can totally resolve on it's own and next flare up again, so I don't know what he'll do. Maybe he'll order that test, maybe not. With only one true attack, who knows.

I'm SO fucking backed up with my reader. I have 900 posts to peruse, so forgive me for the lack of commenting. I'm going to try to get through them soon and at least read the most current posts from everyone.

Tuesday, February 10, 2009

I'm home from the emergency room.

That was a super fun 7 1/2 hours!

I don't think I have anything else to add than what I already blogged about.

~ The pain I had came on suddenly and out of the blue. I was doubled over in pain and could ~not~ stand up. At the exact same time, my upper right shoulder hurt ridiculously bad too. One second I was fine, next second I was in tears.

~ I'm a bad stick. They tried 3 times (my record is 11 sticks) in my hand/wrist and went to my neck. Check out the pictures. Pretty punk rock, eh?

~ Gave me morphine. Awesome, but seemed to only last for a short time. I got 4mgs 3 times while there.

~ U/S didn't show anything really. Some fluid in/around uterus, nothing spectacular from someone 1 month (happy month birthday karl!) postpartum. Appendix and gall bladder looked fine. Oh - she saw follicles on my ovaries! Ack. I had sex last night (go me!) and freaked out I'll suddenly fall pregnant. How funny things change, no?

~ Doc said he still thinks it's gall bladder due to my symptoms matching and it being so common post pregnancy. Said that even though u/s looked fine, there is something about the gall bladder not functioning properly which can cause the same pain. Wants me to get some test I completely have forgotten the name of. A few of you left comments about some gall bladder tests, so maybe that's one of them. I'll look it up. Wants my primary care to order it.

~ Sent to CT scan to rule out anything else. That is when they say something in my uterus. Most likely some retained placenta. He said even w/ d&c, since I had placenta accreta, tissue can get left from what was grown into uterine wall. Wants me to see OB immediately for this, does ~not~ want me to wait until end of next week for my 6 week postpartum checkup. Since I am just now having symptoms, the time is now.

~ Doc gave me some IV antibitotics "just in case" to save off any uterine infection. Not quite happy about more antibiotics, but if he says I need it, I'll believe him. He's got the medical degree, not me.

I swear. If I need any type of surgery, I'm going to be fucking pissed. I've been through enough, thank you. (But did I put this on myself from asking "what else can happen? The plague?" in one of my entries post-pneumonia?) Irony rules, eh?
Added bonus. Scan showed "something" left in my uterus. Have to call OB tomorrow for that. Yipee. Seriously.
Doc thinks its gall bladder attack due to a defective functioning gall bladder. Looks fine on u/s, but thinks its squeezing 'wrong'

Read from bottom up.

text only allows 131 characters.
for CT scan. Drank contrasting fluid. Blood pressure crazy high. Oh, IV in my fucking neck. Burly. This sucks. Whats wrong with me?
Ok, here is the story so far. Sudden onset of MAJOR right sided abdominal pain accompanied by shoulder pain. I had u/s and waiting
Im in the fucking hospital.

Monday, February 9, 2009

Wow, thanks ticketmaster.

Very long story short, when I went to purchase flight of the conchords tickets, right when they went on sale, they seemed to be selling the back row first. I bought some tickets in row 58 but later on, got front row. I had an extra set of tickets on my hands, which I thought I would have to sell. I complained to ticketmaster on principle, knowing their return policy and yet they refunded my money. Right on ticketmaster!

Friday night was ~so~ fun. It almost didn't happen though.

HUGE line outside. We (4 derby girls and 2 boys) waited in line, hoping to get some of us in on our guest list. Waited for a long time in the cold. As we were literally 10 people from the door - SOLD OUT. Ack! We went in to see if there were any seats left on our guest list. Nope - all 15 taken. The girl took pity and said "just the two of you? go ahead" and we were all like "um, no, there is 6 of us." A bit of an eye roll and she told us to go in. Woohoo! Free admission after being sold out.

Our secondary team lost badly. It was terrible to watch it. Just to ~see~ their constant mistakes. But, it was fun. Drank a few PBR tallboys (yuck, I'm a guinness girl) and got a nice buzz. Got home about midnight and took my shift with the baby (fun times). BUT ... had a really, really, really good time. Can't wait to get back to derby!!!

Saturday, February 7, 2009

I'm going out!

I'm leaving in 2 hours for the evening without kids (or my husband!)

Heading to denver with my derby wife to see our secondary derby team bout. I'm planning on drinking a beer (or two) also! Wow.

I'm excited.

Friday, February 6, 2009


~ I just bought tickets to see Flight of the Conchords at Red Rocks! I am freaking super hyped. I'm more excited about this show than the upcoming Guttermouth show at Black Sheep. I have a silly crush on Bret. OMG. I'm going to see flight of the conchords! I'm literally giddy.

~ I'm wearing a tampon. Oh yeah baby. Tampons are where it's at. (sarah - my personal favorite is playtex. I hate tampax and I don't think I've ever tried kotex. heh. I'm discussing what my favorite brand of tampons is. Publicly.)

~ Chicklet, I emailed you, but needed to put it out here too. I've always said "Real women roll their own tampons" so that is totally something hope depot should sell. Definitely. They could even do one of their weekend workshops on the subject.

Thursday, February 5, 2009

Steak and Tampons

What a title, eh?

~ Steak.

I just cooked the beast steak ever. I don't eat much red meat anymore. I used to eat it 4-5 times a week, now I'm down to 1 time a week, which is usually a hamburger or ground beef in a taco or something like that. But a steak? I rarely eat steak anymore, but when I do, I love it. Yum.

I noticed I had two steaks in the freezer that were getting quite old, so I took one out yesterday. It had the look of starting to get freezer burnt, but it was wrapped well and there was no ice on it at all. But I knew it probably wasn't going to taste the best as frozen meats never do.

Side story. I'm ~totally~ into watching cooking shows. Not the type which a cook shows you how to cook, but the challenges - like top chef, ultimate recipe showdown, challenge, chopped, iron chef and that uk show where couples fight for a restaurant. I also have quite a crush on gordon ramsey and I watch 3 of his shows - ramsey's kitchen nightmares, kitchen nightmares and hell's kitchen. (I don't like "the f word" as he's actually nice in the show, which turns me completely off.) I would LOVE to go to culinary school someday and I just might in a few years.

So, I need to cook the steak and I usually just throw it on the grill, but instead, I decide to try to duplicate how I see the chefs cook on tv. I have no recipe of course, so I throw a bunch of butter in a pan and season the meat with salt, onion powder and cayenne pepper. I just want to get a quick brown on the meat and while it's browning, I spoon ladleful after ladleful of butter over the meat. I honestly don't know the real reason behind this - assuming it's keeping for the taste, but it may have to do with keeping the meat moist or not letting the butter burn. Whatever the reason, I always see chefs do this, so I copied them. After a quick brown, I put the entire pan into a preheated 350 degree oven. I tried to cook it using a thermometer, but I just can't get those to work on thin pieces of meat. So I just eyeballed it and felt it and took it out when it still felt rare.

I put the steak on a plate and let it rest for about 7-8 minutes. Then I sat down with it, expecting the worst. Except I got the best. Holy shit - it was perfect. Rare but not too rare. It was actually perfectly rare. Warmed all the way through, a bit red/bloody in the very middle, pink to the edge and a nice cooked outer shell. Oh. My. God. It was freaking perfect. And the juices were ~so~ good to run the cut pieces of meat through, as it was steak juice ~and~ butter. Most of the butter was left in the pan, but it sure did take on enough of it to be super tasty. Damn.

~ Tampons.

What's the deal with not being able to use tampons after delivery? I get that for the first few weeks, there is the chance of infection as things ~just~ happened up in there, but at the 4 week mark? Can I start wearing tampons now?

When I thought I got a period earlier in the week (or was it last week?) I don't think I did. I had one day of heavy flow and it tapered back down to normal. But then yesterday, I had cramps and a heavy flow, which continues today. Just like a period. I'll have to wait and see.

*Before anyone starts giving me advice on postpartum bleeding, remember I have done this before. After my first, I got a period at 5 weeks postpartum and was immediately back to normal, having AF come to visit every 29 days after that. (yeah - "you won't get a period as long as you exclusively breastfeed!" certainly didn't apply to me! My OB called me an over achiever.) With the second, I didn't get AF back for something like 6 months. Now, I was actually surprised that wasn't my period a week ago, as it certainly felt like it for the day. But I guess I'm being thrown for a loop so I'll just have to wait and see.

* Of course, I love to get advice if you got it, but just keep in mind advice such as the basics of postpartum bleeding is something I kindof know. Such a hypocrite I am! I'm such a know-it-all and give everyone else advice they probably already know, yet I'm bothered when I get advice on the basics. I suck!

I totally want to throw these freaking pads away and never ever use another again. Please, someone out there with medical knowledge, tell me I can!? Please???


~ Some of you girls suck! (meant with all the love possible, of course!).

Bubble bursting left and right! Sheesh! I said for no compliments, but you didn't have to go and tell me how it's just not going to last! Or that it was just cause I was sick (although I wasn't intensinally sick and I was still eating regular amounts.) Remember that whole "if you don't have anything nice to say" thing? ~wink~

Yeah, yeah, so it may not last. But right now, it's working so I'm proud of myself. You wouldn't tell someone who was simply on a diet because they were overweight that "it won't last" when they were happy they saw results. Nor would you tell a terminally ill person "it's not going to last" when they are happy they are feeling better.

So. I'm going to pretend I didn't read any of the negative~esque comments and I'm just going to be happy that I'm wearing my pre-pregnancy jeans and small t-shirts. So there! (nanny nanny boo boo!!) If I gain it back for some odd reason, you can all comment on how you told me so. Okay?

~ Margelina - you asked me about my tattoo process. Your comment was: "Doing it in stages would KILL me! That's why I get one complete image at a time, so I have something final to look at :)Just curious to much money is it costing you? Do you pay for each session, or one fee total? Since mine is so gradual, I pay per image/design...but I tip awesomely because I heart my guy!!"

Yes, doing it in stages does kill me, but when you get a tattoo that takes four 3 hour sessions, I can't really do anything about that. We usually do most of outline in first 3-4 hours and then take 3 hour coloring sessions. After 3-4 hours, my skin doesn't take the ink too well and will start to get hot, bleed and reject it, so that's about as long as my skin will allow in a sitting.

Cost. Due to it's not a friend doing our ink anymore and we're still pretty "new" as far as customers go, we were simply paying the shop rate of $120/hour. Then I tip another $100 for every session, making it $460/session. Now that we've gone quite a few times and my husband has 3 HUGE pieces going, we're getting small deals, down to $100/hour, but that's it for now. I paid $400 for Tuesday's appointment. For 13 hours, I'll be paying about $1780? Something like that?

My next appointment is the 28th with another artist there, who is doing my coverup above the one I'm getting now. I have at the most, maybe 6 hours left for that. Then I'll have my next lower arm appt 2 weeks after that. We're using our tax refund for our ink this year, after that money is gone, we're done for quite awhile. Well, until Sept when Ella goes into kindergarten so our daycare costs won't be as hefty.

~ I just got up, took a shower, got me and karl ready and headed out to our pediatrician appointment. Only to realize our appointment wasn't until next week. I'm awesome.

~ I did our bills, budgeted for the next month, balanced our checkbook, did our taxes and finished Ella's kindergarten enrollment packet yesterday. Today, I'm mailing out Jendeis's fucking fantastic prize, Pam's silly gift I've been meaning to send for months and Tori's cycling gift. Maybe tomorrow I'll get to our storage unit and get all the baby girl clothes I want to send Jenn. I also have some braces bunch mail to get out, but one step at a time, eh?

~ Give some love to Kymberli who is in beta hell right now. 11dp3dt beta = 13 & 13dp3dt beta = 25. If you remember, my 11dp3dt beta was 15, 3 days later it only being 43. So I am suddenly in the "low betas can still be good" world where I never was before. But I am a living, breathing testament to how a low beta can be okay when the numbers continue to double on time. Hell, I've got the proof sucking on my nipple right now as I type. (boppies rule). So I am wishing all the good luck possible for her (and Meg) right now.

~ My girl Chicklet could use some love too. Although she is probably right with her answer at 12dpIUI, I'm still hoping the pregnancy gods can do some magic.

~ Luck and good wishes to Emily, whom I'm addicted to reading right now. She got 14 follicles retreived, but in the 1st half, found most of them were NOT mature. So this time, they waited and let them hang out overnight, where many of the 2nd half matured still in their shells. They have ~6~ embryos growing now, waiting for transfer tomorrow. I'm hoping the immature issue ~was~ their issue and why they never got good numbers before. Now they have a handful of them and have way better chances. Transfer is tomorrow!

~ Congrats to Julie, who had a great u/s yesterday. She miscarried her last pregnancy, so this is a huge milestone to get to. Congrats Julie!!!

Horn Tootin'.

144 lbs. 34 lbs down from delivery. (weighed 145 before IVF/FET. weighed 157 at bfp.) I'm finally losing pre-treatment weight now.

9 lbs to go.

(please, no "congrats!" responses. I'm feeling quite proud of myself and doing enough horn tootin' myself. I don't want this to sound like I'm fishing for compliments!)

note: I am only 3w5d postpartum. I have NO FUCKING CLUE how I'm losing this weight. Lots of women do it, yes, but it's not normal. Hell, when I had my other two and I was losing more on an average rate, I hated women like me. So another reason to not congratulate me. Maybe my 36 year old body and karma is throwing me a bone this time. Who knows.

Wednesday, February 4, 2009

Ah-ha! Thanks Jenera!

Seems Jenera knows how to do it.

If you, as a commentor, has chosen to hide their email in their profile, I do ~not~ get it in the notification in my email, so I can ~not~ email you back. BUT, if you do NOT hide your email, I DO get your email and I CAN email you back!

So, If you ~want~ to have bloggers have the ability to email you back from your comments through their own email notifications, (~pretty please?~) Go to your dashboard, click on "Edit Profile" and then click the checkbox to "show my email address".

Yes, it will show your email in your profile, but it will allow people to actually get in touch with you! What a marvelous concept, no? And heck, if you don't want your "real" email to be out there, set up a blogger email just to get blog email! Come on, you know you want to!

Here is me telling Karl all about how to do it. He's totally going to change his settings. He was quite surprised at first, but I've managed to convince him.

That ~kinda~ worked


I setup being notified, via email, for every comment I receive. I setup a little inbox for all the mails and everything. This way, I thought I could email someone back when they asked me something in a comment very easily.

BUT ...

Most comments, even from logged-in bloggers, don't have a return email in my notification. Just or something of the like. SOME people have their email in the notification, but just a handful.

Argh! I looked all through the settings and I can't find anything. Does anyone know if it's a setting of mine or the commentor which allows their email to be part of their comment?

Tuesday, February 3, 2009

my new ink.

Few pictures displaying the newest of my ink. Just starting to color it in - got lots of sessions left to go.

The back of my arm, the reed's starting to get their super green color. The blue is the end of the dragonfly. The top uncolored piece is the flower bud.

Better view of the dragonfly. The wings are nowhere near to being finished, but since they are supposed to be translucent, we have to do it in stages.

The inside of my arm. See how pretty the bud is all orange?

We still have that flower to do, the wings to finish and all the background. Lots more work. Lots more hours sitting for him. But ~awesome~ so far!

Monday, February 2, 2009

An answer to a question

which Morgan asked of me in the last comments. This is something I struggled with myself and when I figured out the answer, I felt almost a "duh" moment and maybe others may feel the same feeling. Therefore I feel I should try to share it with others in hopes it may help.

Her comment was "... now that Mason is here I still want more children but something inside of me is saying "would it take all the attention off him?".."would it be unfair to Mason to not be my one and only?"..."would he get jealous and not feel as loved?".....I know all of these things sound silly but the love I have for him is SO strong I don't know if I could share it fairly, does that make sense? Did you ever feel that way after your first?"
MANY mothers feel like this when thinking of another child. But this is what I think many don't think about ... Why is #1 so special?

Really. I've heard the argument of waiting for #2 a certain length of time to ensure they get enough mommy alone time, but #2 (and all others) ~never~ get "alone time" with Mommy and Daddy. Somehow I feel this is always skipped when thinking about having more children - whether it's getting alone time or if attention/love would be taken away from the first.

Think of it not as #1 losing out on anything, but what #2 should be gaining. Why would anyone want to ensure #1 gets 2 years sole time with mommy when #2 would NEVER get sole time? Wouldn't you want to have another baby as quickly as possible so #1 wouldn't get special treatment over #2? Think about saying this to your second child ... "We waited a few years to have you because we wanted to be sure Timmy felt special having one on one time with Mommy and Daddy, even though you, Billy, always have had to share our love." See? When you think about it that way, the whole worrying about #1 losing out seems just silly. Anything you'd think #1 was losing out on is saying #2 doesn't get in the first place.

There is a separate worry parents have which can't be thought of this way, which is the whole "How can I love another child as much as I love my first?" And that answer is simply "You will." Love has no end and it will just continue to expand. Your first won't get less love as you make room for your second. In fact, your love for your first will even expand as you get to see your first in another light - as a sibling.

If you don't want to have another baby because you don't want your child to ever have to share your time, I can understand that. I've seen many parents want only one because they want their first to have everything given to them alone (time, attention, resources, etc) without ever having to share. But one thing they would never have to share if there was a sibling is your love. I promise - there is always enough love to go around.

Let me rephrase that.

I don't really want another baby. I mean, I do, but I don't. I love my babies and I know I would always love to have more, but I know I'm done. I will miss it all - all the good and all the bad.

If I was younger, maybe we could have another. If we made more money, maybe we could have another. Although I agree with being done, it saddens me beyond belief to really be faced with being done.

I'm just having a hard time wondering what that "next crusade" (in J's words) is going to be. I'm worried that I'm going to lose myself somehow in the world of parenting. I don't want my existence to be summed up in being my children's mom. Yes, they are the most important thing in my life, of course. But, I'm ~still~ nancy too. "Nancy" may be slightly lower in the hierarchy under "mom", but still pretty fucking important. And these titles move back and forth as children grow. When mine are all "gone" out of the house, I certainly don't want the only part of me left being the "mom" title - what would i do with myself?

You know, I use quotation marks totally wrong grammatically. But I use them more for enunciation than how they are supposed to be used. Same way I use tildas. Kindof. Just looked at the last paragraph and wanted to let you all know I'm not a grammatical dumbass. :)

Sunday, February 1, 2009

I want another baby. Fuck you infertility.

There. I said it.

I won't get one of course. My husband doesn't want any more. We couldn't afford any more. I switched back to my old insurance which doesn't cover infertility treatments and I doubt I'd be able to conceive w/out ART. And I have almost died twice now, no one wants me to push that.

I'm beyond lucky. I have three beautiful children. Can I even consider myself infertile now?

So what I spent 39 cycles of my life ttc, succeeding "only" 3 times. A 7% success rate isn't that great, but as I look around me - it's ridiculously great. So what I've spent $10 grand ttc karl and maybe $2k ttc Ella? What's $12,000 for three babies? (except to the 88% of fertiles out there who spends ~nothing~ at all. Well, maybe some cash for a few hpts or opks.) What's 4 surgeries? What's a case of ohss? So what I filled my body with all kinds of fertility drugs? So what that I find clomid akin to aspirin now and roll my eyes when someone is all upset for having to "resort to" clomid? So what I had a monitored mock IUI cycle? What's 3 full IUIs? What's one IVF cycle where I had ET cancelled the day before ER? So what I went through one FET cycle?

I conceived. Three times. I have a full family. Does the unwanted initial title of "infertile" go away now? Obviously the bitterness doesn't go away. And this is something an infertile who hasn't conceived yet or someone who has decided to live childfree will most likely answer "no, you are not infertile". And only someone who has gone through IF and has (finally) conceived will be more apt to answer "once infertile, always infertile".

Is it my once infertility what is making me want another baby? Is it that I'm not wanting to give up the fight? Does winning 3 battles of 39 make me feel like the war is won? (The answer is a firm "no".) Were my pregnancies so fucking important to me where I cherished every moment simply because of what I went through to get them? Do I want another baby because my infertility has made me (still) jealous as all hell to see a swollen belly?

TTC was such a huge part of my life and now it's over. It's almost like I don't know what to do with myself now. The big question of "when should we start to try again?" isn't being discussed. Instead, the question of permanent birth control is what we talk about. Permanent birth control. It can bring me to tears just thinking about it.

I'm retiring. And for some reason, it's taking me by surprise.


~ You girls know eden, right? She switched identities so I'm totally unsure of what to call her and babyboy now (eden, please email me with the correct answers), but she's one of the most beloved bloggers out there, one of the handful of girls (who should totally know who they are - J, C, P, etc) who I would literally drop everything and fly out to their house if they needed me. But she sent me a big box of her babyboy's clothes and when I dress karl in one of them, well, I feel this weird kinship. Weird because it's cool and I didn't know I could feel this way over some hand-me-downs. It just makes her more "real" to me. And that's fucking really cool.

~ Speaking of hand-me-downs, Jenn is going to *soon be receiving a very special package of Ella and/or Allie clothes. I am a ~freak~ about baby clothes. I'm a tad vain and don't buy anything cheap. Now, I don't mean cheap=inexpensive, but cheap=poorly made or material I don't find super soft. I'm also big on soft material and will feel everything before I buy. I RARELY buy anything at walmart, kohls, BRU because the material sucks most of the time. Which means, all my girls' clothes are baby gap or old navy. I also don't dig "baby" looking clothes, like ducks or teddy bears on them (for the most part, I do have some that are cute), instead, I like shrunken adult clothes. Most of the stuff I have are things I would wear if in my size. Lots of punk rock things and stuff like that. Of course I have tons of baby looking things too, but I'm trying to make a point here. Anywho, to make a short story even longer - I'm meticulous about cleaning the clothes and pitch things when stained. So all my hand-me-downs are in close to perfect condition and all packed away in storage in airtight containers. I am going to get down there soon (she's due in 62 days!) and pull together a package of my favorites for her little girl, caiden. I can only hope that when she dresses caiden in any of the clothes I send, she feels that same kinship I have for Eden.
* soon in NancyLand can be tomorrow or in 6-8 weeks.

~ I have to get on the ball and get some pressing things done. Seriously, I have a shitload of things to get done, but the tramatized birth experience followed by hardcore pneumonia at 2 weeks postpartum - the tasks have been piling up. They include the next few bullets.

~ Jendeis, from the blog Sell Crazy Someplace Else, won the baby pool for karl's birth and I promised an "insanely fucking fantastic" prize, which I plan to deliver. So Miss Jendeis, I need your address. Can you please email it to me? (email is in my profile).

~ Tori, from the blog The Winding Road To Parenthood, is also someone who I have something to send, yet I never followed through. Right when I was sending it, she stopped cycling but now she's in the midst of a new RE and the clomid challenge test to see if she can go through IVF#4 (her first 3 cycles were cancelled at various stages due to lack of response and other factors). So Tori, can you email me your address too?

~ Shit. I still have Pam's, from BloodSigns, little token gift I haven't sent. Shit, shit, shit. I got sidetracked when I found a book print to send her and never sent the original idea.

~ The Captain's Wife, from Staying Above the Water, is due today! She's being an awesome trooper and simply waiting without crying for an induction. Good girl. She sent me a baby gift and I want to return the favor, but damn it, she was on of "those" who didn't find out the baby's sex so I have to wait for the birth. But since I'm making my to-do list right here and now, I needed to add her here - although I am ~not~ late in sending anything. Well, I'm not late yet.

~ Baby announcements. I STILL haven't even ordered them yet. Wow, I suck. I didn't do xmas cards this year because I was sending out announcements instead. And here I am, 3 weeks later and nothing. I suck.

~ THANK YOU for all the comments so I can add you to my blog reader. I'll be doing that next, so you all have a new reader!

My blog is getting BORING. When was the last time I pissed someone off? When was the last time I was sarcastic? When was the last time I was thought provoking? Okay. I am making a deal with myself - time to get ~nancy~ back into her blog that isn't all baby-this or i'm-so -sick-that. I've missed her. Have you?