I ~despise~ Veda.

Veda is the salon/spa I've been going to, for oh, 10 years or so. It started out as simple hair cuts and then moved up to coloring. But then my guy left and I followed him to his own salon, so Veda does not == hair money anymore.

Veda is still synonymous with "hair being ripped from it's roots". Yes, my esthetician is still gainfully employed there and I will NEVER leave her. Ever. The problem with Veda is it's "wall of products". They carry Aveda products and I love them. Not all of them and I don't think they are the end-all-be-all product, but still, there are more than I like than I don't. Which leads me to browsing through at each appointment. And each time, I find something. The fees for my last appointment were only $64 ($45 brazilian upkeep and $19 eyebrows) but the receipt showed $180. Bastards. And Aveda keeps coming out with more and more product that I want to try and Veda keeps stocking them! Damn them all to hell.

Veda is a coven of blood sucking leeches. (but I like it. and I have great hair & face product and some of my favorite makeup. If they somehow decide to change their name to VedaMacLancome, I'm seriously SCREWED.)

Righty came through!

Before my follie check appointment, I got a peak reading and a followup +opk. Great timing because I got my first 7,500 IUs of hCG today too, since follie was 20x20mm! yay!

I'm to followup with 2 more hCG injections at 5dpo and 7dpo (he changed protocol today). They sent me home with some syringes and needles and told me when to do it. Although I got no injection training whatsoever. I don't think I need any, it's already mixed and all that - only need to poke myself. Maybe I'll check out a few injection videos Mel told us all about.

Hrm. 7dpo hCG injections. This is totally going to throw off my 2ww, you know that, right? suck.

RollerDerbyMe.

I'm tired. I went roller skating today (not derby practice) for like 2 hours and I'm exhausted. Plus, my blisters have blisters (stupid new skates).

I have a follie scan tomorrow morning and I'll update then, but I thought I would leave you with a picture of how I look when I go to practice.

I don't know how often this goes on deaf ears.

When ever anyone else gets pregnant (and when I mean "anyone", I mean those who are ~not~ stirrup queens) it going to of course sting my heart a little bit. Or a lot. It really depends where I am in my cycle or how long ago I got a BFN. So when I decide to discuss how it stings, I always say "It's not that I'm not happy for them - because I ~am~ happy for them". I've said it so many times and each time I say it, I think it falls on deaf ears.

#1. If the person hearing it has never dealt with ttc - I betcha most have no other choice than to just assume "Whatever. She's jealous". I think I could explain how I'm simply jealous it's not ~me~, I'm not jealous it's ~them~ over and over and over until I turned blue, but I think the assessment remains.

#2. If the person hearing it is pregnant - same thing with the thought of "Whatever. It's jealousy". And with it, I probably fall a few rungs on their likability ladder. Anyone who is in the winning shoes can't help but assume the losers are going to be bitter about their win. It's human nature. I wish it wasn't true, but it happens so much! Again, I can try to explain how I'm really happy for ~them~ but sad for ~me~, but their unspoken assessment often remains.

#3. If the person hearing it is someone who has gone through IF themselves, then they understand without having to even hear it. It's not even necessary to speak the words. This is not true for everyone who has gone through IF though.

#4. There is another category I must write down. These can be combinations or crossovers from other categories. IE: The now pregnant IFer who somehow forgets what it's like to be on the losing end. But this category is the group who the explanation falls onto deaf ears because they don't want to believe it. They ~want~ to believe "Whatever. They are just jealous" for a variety of reasons. Maybe they don't want to be part of the sometimes depressing "IF" group anymore. Maybe they think their diagnosis of "IF" was wrong and the pregnancy confirms it. Maybe they are simply immature and if everyone around them is not a blathering idiot dripping with kudos about their new pregnancy and they can't fathom that the other person is NOT just jealous. It's hard for some people to be humble and figure out that maybe, just maybe, they said something wrong themselves - and made the other person feel bad on accident. But damn it! Who cares about someone that doesn't have anything to do with their pregnancy, right? The world should revolve around them and if it doesn't, well, that person must just be jealous. Who cares that nothing over the last year would have indicated anything like that? Okay, I just got on a tangent there. My point with the #4 category is these are people who don't care that you feel bad. And if you do feel bad, well then, you've just got to be a bad guy. Plain and simple.

#5. And there is the other group that does understand. These can be ~anyone~, even people in groups #1-3, but not 4. I never encompassed "everyone" in my categories. Sometimes when you try to explain yourself, they DO get it.

But why even try to explain it at all? I'm starting to think I shouldn't anymore. I think I'm going to go with the "Woohoo! Everything is fine and dandy" approach from now on. I'm SO tired of not only trying to explain how I feel, but even more, trying to stick up for myself when someone doesn't understand it. And why do I need anyone who doesn't understand it to suddenly become one with my thoughts? Beyond the fact that we don't want to be thought of negatively, I think it's because we, people who are going through failures, need to be supported without us crying about it. Sure, when we mention the failure, someone usually takes the time to give us their shoulder. I can't tell you how much a random act of "just wanted to let you know I was thinking about everything you are going through" would make me feel.

Speaking of being random - how random am I right now? I'm just having a tad of a bad day and I'm considering keeping my bad days to myself from now on. Too often is me feeling bad for everything I am going through mistaken for me being unhappy with someone else's success. Sure, someone else's success may be what triggers it, but it's too easily confused with being a "bad sport". Therein lies the feeling to have to explain. It's a bad cycle.

Missing. Reward Offered.

Has anyone seen my ovulation? You can recognize her by +opks, peak reading on monitors, temp drops (for me) and even follicular pain.

But nothing? And it's cd17. My monitor tells me I'm high. My opks confirm that I don't need them as a backup unless I'm just looking for new places to get white color samples. My pain free ovaries are telling me I should enjoy what it feels like to be comfortable. My temp is telling me that this month, I'm not going to recognize any shape or sort of a pattern that I'm used to.

If I wasn't being monitored and I didn't know that I do, in fact, have a follie playing the "little engine that could" part, I would be contemplating annovulatory status. For the control freak I am, I thank all that is holy for the monitoring decision that was kinda forced upon me. Thank you WandMonkey gods in the sky. Thank you Dr LePu (yeah, I didn't want anything frenchie nor does this name sound like a nice name for the doctor I love so much, I'm sticking with it. At least for today) for rescheduling me once again for a weekend appointment because damn it, I'm worth it. (and people like me). heh.

Name that RE!

I love my new RE. I'm so happy Dr Dick got a new partner because really, I love him. I even like his cute french accent when normally, accents don't do much for me. I need a cute little name for him now - like so many of you bloggers out there have for your own REs. I don't want to go the 'frenchy' route either. Let's see. He's got a beard. He was one of the team of doctors who "invented" the use of femara for ovulation induction. He smiles a lot. He doesn't like it when I try to sum up what he's talking about before he's done. He doesn't like me jumping to the conclusions, even though I may be right, because he really likes to explain everything (which is good and bad). He's egyptian I believe. He's from Montreal, hence the french accent. He's got a nice handshake. He makes you feel at ease. If you have any ideas of a cute nickname for him, please let me know! I used all my naming energy on my roller derby name, so I definitely need help.

Onto my update from today's wanding ...

Let me just say ~thank goodness~ the RE office allowed me to have a flat rate for this monitored cycle. For my "on average, you'll need 3 ultrasounds" cycle, I just had u/s #3 and I still have not gotten to where they thought I would be for u/s #2. I have at least 2 more in store! Could you imagine my bill from a 5 u/s cycle when they were going to charge me $300/visit? Damn! So Lefty still has some small follies that weren't even worth measuring today. Righty has grown from 12x11 on Tuesday to 19x13 today. Still not big enough!

Follie is very football shaped still. Oblong and not all round and plump. I have another u/s scheduled for Sunday morning. He thought Monday could be too late, so yet another weekend appointment. He did mention that there was a chance Sunday may be late too, but with my history of ~not~ letting go of the egg from nice and plump follicles, I think we're safe. And it's not like there is anything to miss anywho - there will be no insemination.

I wonder how they'll handle all these injections. I know they'll trigger me w/ 7,000 IUs when my O is ready, but what am I going to do for the following 3 injections? I need another 1,000 IUs on 2dpo, 4dpo and 6dpo. Will they let me do it themselves? Or am I going to have to come in for 3 more appointments? That'll be a pain in the ass. I have no problem doing it myself, they just have to show me how.

I've been thinking a lot about the hcg injects to lengthen LP. And it makes sense now. The hCG will fool my corpus luteum that I am pregnant and it won't think he has to die in a short 12 days. Hopefully that'll make him pump out more progesterone than he normally would - thinking he was going to die soon. Have you heard of "Short Timer's Disease"? This happens when someone at work has an end date in sight. It could be from putting in their 2 week notice, to having a long vacation coming up or just about anything that takes them away from work. They know their time is coming to an end, even if it's temporary, so they don't put forth too much effort. This is what I think my corpus luteums are up to. They know their time is coming to an end after my short LP is up, so why work so hard? These hCG shots should definitely fool him into doing a good job.

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Don't forget to submit your ideas for my RE's nickname!

My diagnoses.

The plural of diagnosis is diagnoses. I didn't know it and had to look it up and now that I've been looking at it, they don't even look like real words.

Anywho, on the ttc message boards I frequent, I put in my diagnoses in my signature line since I finally have them. And it felt weird to me. Suddenly having 31 cycles of ttc summed up in two syndromes. Weird. For the first 19 cycles, I was "unexplained IF". Send in the cysts. The cysts and scar tissue could definitely of only presented itself later though. I probably was truly unexplained for the first 19 months.

LUF Syndrome
Asherman's Syndrome

I could add in endo in their too, but I'm not going to. Two "syndromes" are enough for me to accept as it is. I don't want to add in anything else. At least for now.

I'm feeling a tad melancholy today. I'm sore from last night's practice (which, by the way, was freaking awesome!). I'm exhausted from being up every night due to A's broken leg. I feel a little negative about the possibility of every being pregnant again. I'm overwhelmed at work. Did I mention that I was sore from last night? (seriously - I got pummeled).

Hopefully this is just a minor setback with my emotions.

Derby tonight.

I just want to state for the record that I honestly don't know how I will be able to practice tonight. My thighs hurt ~so bad~ from derby practice on Monday - I can barely walk.

How in the world will I be able to get through tonight? I need to stop at the store and pick up some advil. Ibuprofen - the wonder drug.

If I can actually get myself moving tonight, I hope to have another good night. Monday night's practice was fucking awesome. The coach had us all (new recruits included) run drills for about 30 minutes. Then he separated all the new recruits from the rest of the team to work on basic skills. As soon as he split us up, he took 3 of the new recruits, myself included, and had us move to the regular team practice. It was scary, but I did a real workout WITH the team. It was super hard and you could definitely tell I was the new girl, but I held my own. I was able to hang out with a lot of the girls and really get to know some of them. I can't tell you how cool it was to be running drills and during my laps, hearing a shitload of girls screaming my name in support.

I still need to come up with a name. I thought of "Pippi Hard Sockings" but it was taken. I really love the over-the-knee socks I get to wear, so having "sock" in the name would of been cool. Back to the drawing board. Some of the ones we've been tossing around, but nothing really sticks yet:

~ Brazilian WaxHer (better if I was of darker complexion)
~ Circles of Equal Anger (funny, but it's because of an inside joke)
~ Kills-n-bury Doughgirl
~ Tale of Two Fisties (except a girl on the team is named "Fanny Fister" and I don't want to be the tale of her fisties.)
~ Knockin Noggins Nancy
~ ImPaleHer

(In)Fertility Report.

As I explained yesterday, I am going through a "mock iui cycle" this month. All the monitoring, but no insemination. Today is cd13 and Righty is taking action this month, albeit slowly. The dominant follicle is only 12x11mm. I have a few on lefty, but right has them beat right now. So back again I go on Friday, when I'll be on cd16 to see if there was improvement. If mature, we'll trigger w/ 7,000 IUs.

Here's the new and exciting part. Instead of taking progesterone for my short (12 day) LP, I'm going to continue to take hCG to support it. Weird, eh? I've never done this one before. Anywho, for sake of explaining, let's say initial trigger was cd16. I'll receive an additional 1,000 IUs each on cd18, cd20 and cd22 (2, 4 & 6 dpo). This is really going to throw my poas obsession right down the toilet. With so much continued hcg, how in the world am I going to test early??

After my date with the wand, I went back to his office afterwards to go over my HSG results. While the HSG is a bad indicator of uterine health, he said there WAS indication that I have scar tissue again. He said my lining didn't protect the inside of my uterus after surgery as they hoped and my uterus probably touched while healing, pretty much sealing it together in places.

CRAP.

He estimates 30-40% of my uterus is covered in scar tissue again. And while this is ~much better~ than it was pre-surgery, it's still not optimum. It will make implantation more difficult and if by any chance it does occur, the pregnancy will be threatened with a much higher risk of miscarriage. He also told me a tidbit I didn't know before. He said that eggs "like" to implant in scar tissue, but rarely are able to be sustained because lack of blood flow. Just when I thought I knew it all (or at least most).

He wants to go in with a camera next month and verify his thoughts. Then, if true, MORE SURGERY for me. It doesn't matter how great my dough is. If my oven isn't working, no bun will be baked.

Here is the "plan" of worst case scenario of needing more surgery:
~ Wait and see this month if I magically conceive and carry the pregnancy
~ Next cycle, schedule hystography between cd 7-10.
~ Surgery would be based on scheduling of hospital. It would have to be done during a certain time frame, so while I could get it done asap, expect it to be done Mid November
~ Balloon would be inserted in uterus to allow for healing for 8 weeks. Birth control pills of some sort would probably be taken.
~ Balloon would be taken out around beginning of January.
~ Possibly 4 more weeks of hormones to be taken to get uterus "back in shape"
~ Mid February - Allowed to TTC again

I'm beyond pissed. Due to my self-proposed hard-stop date for TTC, the 10 months of trying that I have left now (not including this month) have been dropped to just 6. I've always enjoyed a challenge, but this type scares the crap out of me.

The road was paved with good intentions.

I end up putting my foot in my mouth more often than most. And it's usually completely unintentional.

I'm someone who likes to explain my thoughts, especially when it's a difficult subject for me. Because it's a difficult subject, I usually put in a lot of time thinking about it, making it a not so simply subject. Then, when I try to explain it aloud, I end up explaining too much. Instead of keeping it simple and to the point, I try to cover all areas, thinking I'm tying up loose ends.

What always ends up happening is I seem to either confuse the subject all together or send mixed signals because I try to cover all aspects.

This just happened to me. I came to an epiphany about something and in all honesty, I thought it was making me a better person. I overcame some negative thoughts I had and turned them into positives. I wanted to share this to show a group of people that I'm not so bad about this issue after all. To show that I have came to better and more thoughtful conclusions. I thought it would put people at ease. I thought that it would make people feel better about how I perceived things.

What ended up happening is making it worse. I didn't focus on the simple point I was trying to make. Instead, I put in way too many analogies and those were focused on, when admittedly, not much thought was put in on the analogies themselves. I compared things that shouldn't of been compared in their own nature when I just wanted an extreme example. I made people think I feel even more negative about the subject than they probably thought before.

My intentions were good, but through too much explanation, I look like a crazy person. And any effort to try to rectify it looks like I'm backpedalling.

Ugh.

Update - ttc & broken leg (child mentioned)

Wow, sorry about all the "children mentioned" posts all in a row. While first and foremost I am a mommy, my blog usually isn't about me going on and on about them. But right after my little epiphany, my little one broke her leg and well, that's ~news~!

Anywho - it's broke. Fibia fracture to be exact. The pediatric orthopaedic said it's common in toddlers when there is an injury like this and it will heal fast. She was casted and only has to have it on for 3 weeks. It's a "semi ridgid" cast, which means it'll come off without the use of a saw, which is recommended for little ones, but to me, it looks and feels like any other regular cast. The only downside I see is it didn't come in a variety of colors, which I have to admit, kinda sucks. The cast room was full of little kids getting very cool looking casts - the 3 boys around us all picked "camo". Pretty damned cool if you ask me. But Allie is only 2, so she doesn't know any better. I'll try to decorate it the best I can.

Here is a picture from a few moments ago:




On the TTC front, I never updated what the decision of the month was. Bottom line is I'll be having a monitored cycle this month.

How that decision was made is this: In speaking with the finance girl at the office, I found out that my cd3 baseline ultrasound, outside of an IUI cycle and outside of having any cysts, was billed with "infertility" status. This means there was no issue they are trying to fix, which would be covered, so I will be paying out of pocket for it. Ultrasound plus office visit runs about $315!!!

To have a monitored cycle around hCG trigger shots (which I will probably need to get my body to release the egg and not grow into a cyst) would cost me $850~ish minimum. This figure is from 3 ultrasounds and office visit charges, with some out of pocket discount applies.

Whoa. Yeah. That's the cost of almost 2 IUI cycles. If I want to get monitored, may as well go all the way with an IUI added in.

Finance girl talked to RE and came to an agreement that they'll charge me a flat rate of $400/cycle for a non-iui, monitored cycle. This would be for cd3 baseline, unlimited number of u/s I will need to get me to trigger, u/s to confirm ovulation and progesterone blood work after confirmed O. This makes sense and I was happy they'd work with me if I wanted this. Problem is, I don't want that. I just want to check to see if I ovulated after a +opk. Since I'm already being charges $315 for the cd3 baseline, I'm just going to pay $85 more for the complete monitored cycle.

After this, I'm just going to do it alone. If I feel the pain of a follicle gone bad, I can go in for an ultrasound at that time - which will be covered since it will be a medical necessity. What I am worried about is if it gets to this stage, it'll mean I'd be out for that cycle AND the next cycle. Sure, insurance will cover it at that point, but what exactly would be the point?

It's all so aggravating. Due to LUF syndrome, I'll need $400/cycle monitoring plus trigger to escape a cyst which would bench me for 2 months at least. This could also be done through a $580/cycle IUI. But I'm paying for this out of pocket! By the time IVF could be started, It'd of cost $4k in repeat IUIs/monitoring. Bah. I'm damned if I do, I'm damned if I don't.

My poor, poor baby girl. (children mentioned)

My little girl has broken her foot.

It all started with a little weekend getaway my husband and I really needed. We were going up to Denver and meeting 6 friends at Six Flags. After a night of roller coasters, we had reservations at the Marriott to stay the night, ~sleep in~, do a little shopping the next day and then pick up the kids at Grandma's house.

It's 3:30pm on Friday and I'm home, picking up my bag and headed out the door. I call my mother to see how the kids did that day and to let her know I'm leaving.

"There's been an accident".

Oh no. Poor Allison is freaking out in the background. Inconsolable. My mother explains they all went to the park and she was afraid to let Allie slide down the big slide alone, so my mother went up with Allison on her lap. Right before sliding down, Ella gets up on her lap too, not wanting to be left out. Somewhere down the slide, Allison's foot gets twisted or turned or caught. She won't walk on it. She won't stand on it.

I call the pediatrician. Not that I didn't know what to do, but if I was going to cancel my trip at the last minute to take my daughter to the emergency room, which I already knew I was going to do, I needed someone else to tell me I had to. It's really so if nothing ended up being wrong, I had someone else to "blame" - I could say "Well, they told me I had to".

I rush out to my Mom's. Allison was sitting pretty comfortably and didn't even seem like there was an issue. But if I would try to stand her up, she'd be reduced to tears. Off to the ER we went.

Tom showed up a little later (I asked him to get all our stuff together to meet us there). My mother, feeling horribly guilt-ridden, was with me - helping me take care of Ella while tending to Allie. 4 hours later, the ER doc tells us it's most likely a fracture, but the x-ray is clear. She explains this kind of fracture rarely shows up easily on x-rays immediately following the injury and if broken, will show up later, once the body starts trying to heal itself. She also said she's not an expert in pediatric fractures of this nature and an ortho will need to look at it, possibly even seeing a break she can't. Due to Allison's reaction to any pressure on her foot/leg, they want to treat it as a fracture. They half-cast it and wrap it up with a bandage so it'll be removable for more x-rays on Monday.

I feel so bad for her! I can tell something is really wrong and she's not just babying it. She'll completely forget about it and put pressure on it - only to immediately cry out in pain. From the other people I've talked to who have dealt with fractures of this type, their children have acted the same way.

I'm hoping to get good news on Monday and find out that it is not a fracture. I'm hoping she'll start walking on it soon and it gets better in record time. Oh man, I really hope she doesn't need a permanent cast.

I needed a slap of reality (children mentioned & pictures displayed)

Nope, she still didn't call, so I don't know what this month will entail. I will try to get the point through that I want to try a natural cycle without the triggering, just to see if it can happen, thereby foregoing all the costs if I ~can~ ovulate now. We'll see about that.

Until then, I need to stop focusing on the disappointments in my life and focus on the reason I live my life. For me, it's obviously my children. Before my children, when I was TTC#1 still, it was my friends and hobbies and of course, my husband. But I would have to force myself to focus on them. You know, the best snowboarding season I've EVER had was the one that started after my 12 month mark ttc#1. I focused on it instead of ttc and must've rode 40 times that winter. If I had a day off, I was on the mountain. Okay, so maybe I was simply ignoring the big elephant in the room, but he needed to be ignored.

While you are immersed in everything that is TTC, try to think about things you once enjoyed that you may not be enjoying now. Try to push yourself into sticking your toe back into it occasionally. I know so well what TTC does/did to my life. I lived it in 2 week increments and two of those weeks was spent completely underneath the weight of it. One week I would be obsessing over every made up symptom and another week would be spent depressed because of another failed cycle. I am not suggesting stopping TTC, just try not to forget what your non ttc life tasted like. I'd bet that it still tastes pretty good.

The winter I spent snowboarding? It will always live in my memories as the best snowboarding season EVER. And you know what? That memory doesn't include anything about TTC, except knowing I was trying. You know what my memory of the last 6 or so months makes me think of? TTC. That's about it. And I am filled with guilt over it. I know my marriage isn't doing the best right now. Not that we are fighting or close to divorce, but I'm not the woman he married right now. And I'm not the mom my children had. And that simply sucks. The good thing is ... I can change it. It'll take some doing and probably won't be too easy, but I ~can~ do it.
















These are ~my~ reasons to taste life right now. I'm at the point in my life where I have children and they are now more important than anything else. This is what I want to spend time "tasting". These two little girls (Ella above and Allison below) are why I need to not allow ttc to consume me.














Don't get me wrong, it was important to not allow trying to conceive to consume me before I had children. Back then, it was my husband and my friends who were most important. Now I share my life with these two beautiful souls. These two girls don't understand mommy is just sad over another failed cycle. They simply want mommy. No baggage.


I need them to feel playing is the best thing in the world. I need them to see mommy happy for them. I can't allow them to see me sad for something I don't even have, something they don't know about or could even understand.



I need them to know that this picture is what their life consists of. Everyday. No worries of why mommy is laying in bed, crying. They need to know that they ARE important enough even though there's something else mommy wants so badly. I also need my husband to know I love him. And he is enough if it comes to it. He married a girl who's been absent for awhile and although he's been very caring and understanding of this new girl, he deserves more too.



This picture was taken after bath time tonight. It was taken after mommy stopped moping around and had fun with them. We splashed. We giggled. We got all clean and then warmed up in our special cool flower towels.

And life was complete. Our life was complete. At least for everyone in this perfect moment. And it was perfect because I ~chose~ it to be.


I still want another child just as bad as I wanted my first child. I just have to sit up and take notice that I still have a life to live. Before I had children, I still had a life that I was able to enjoy. Now that I do have children, my enjoyment includes them. I ~have to~ remember that I only have one shot at this life and I don't want to waste any more time. Everyone has something around them they can taste and enjoy. Please don't let it go to waste. Please don't allow yourself to go to waste. I'm going to try my best, will you please try yours too?

3 sides of the same coin.

This whole ttc thing. Oy. I can't decide.

1. Just give up "trying". Just let it happen if it happens and if it doesn't happen, just move to IVF next spring as a last ditch effort. I'm only on C12 and I understand it's not that much, but boy-oh-boy - the letdown from this cycle was just too much for my heart to take with hopes of a quick bounce-back. I usually get bummed, yeah, but this time, wow - took a good week. And I didn't like myself this past week. And forcing myself into this every month, well, I just don't know if I should do it.

2. Keep on plodding along w/ charting, opking, IUIs and monitoring until IVF next spring. I hate the aspect of not actively trying. On one hand, I'll feel like letting go of control will make me feel more stable, but then again, letting go of control might make me a tad bit manic later on when I have no idea what is going on.

3. Fuck it all and get an IUD put in. No worrying about where I am, no obsessing. Just stop. Get over my "need" for another child and be happy AND satisfied with what I have.

I gotta tell you, all 3 options are running through my head. My RE's office called last night about the monitoring and she promised an answer by tomorrow. So we'll see. I'll make the decision, at least for this month, when she calls.

I find myself feeling really apathetic about this.

All clear.

Third time was the charm. Barely hurt at all this time. And that means a lot.

The first HSG hurt to where I burst into uncontrollable tears. The man inserting and blowing up the balloon was agressive and put my cervix into spasms of hearty cramps unlike I had ever felt. The nurse had to practically hold me down. The second time was painful due to the blockages - they kept pushing more dye in hopes they could get past the barriers. No luck and it hurt tremendously bad.

Well, this third one wasn't bad at all. A little crampage when the balloon was inflated, but she waited for the cramps to pass. Once that was done and the speculum was taken out, I could barely notice anything was there at all. The addition of the ink posed no additional discomfort at all.

The results were okay. Lefty still spilled like the mouth of the mississippi. Righty did get to spilling, but things looked a little wonky - along with the entire right side of my uterus, but that's to be expected from the surgery.

The doc chick said "You're pretty tough by the looks of your cervix". heh. Yeah, some people show their scars/wounds where people can clearly see they're tough. Me? I've got a scarred cervix.

HSG #3 in 17 hours.

Wow. I went from not knowing to it being scheduled for 7:30am tomorrow morning.

"I'm so tired, I can't sleep"

I have bouts with insomnia and I'm in the midst of one right now. It's terrible. I haven't slept well for about a week now and it's showing.

I've got some massive circles under my eyes. Bags too, which are oh-so-lovely. I'm not functioning too well and I have to say that probably had something to do with my un-stellar performance in derby practice last night. I felt a tad clumsy and it showed.

Add to the not sleeping ~very~ sore muscles (omg. upper arms and all thigh parts are on fire), I am this strange walking zombie image of myself.

Still no word on what I'll be doing this cycle (although I think I'm just going to bag the whole thing all together) and don't know if I'll be having the HSG in the next day or so.

So nothing new to report. I'm too tired to have any new feelings on the subject.

What's to look forward to? A diagnosis?

Being in a natural cycle is suddenly very strange. For months and months and months I've been being monitored for cysts and scar tissue, getting & recovering from surgery, going through IUIs, etc.

And now I'm not doing anything.

Well, I'm doing ~something~. I'm just not doing anything scientifically. Good lord, who knew I'd yearn for the wand and the doctor visits and the thousands of dollars in check writing?

So, here I am. Doing things as nature intended. I don't know if I'll get another cyst going on my own. Which, I might add, scares the bejeezus out of me. One, the pain of my large cysts SUCK big huge dirty monkey assholes. Two, a cyst would put be out of the game for two freaking months. That sucks, I'll tell ya.

Actually, I'm lying a little bit. I'm getting a ~3rd~ HSG this week. It's my post surgical HSG that just kinda surprised me. HSGs hurt like a muther on me, so I'm not looking forward to it. But with a little luck, righty will still be open and we'll see a nice dye spill. And - I already has a wanding last friday (cd2) when I came in for my non-necessary beta. (Seriously. This is a whole other vent. WHY, may I ask, do I need to get a beta when I'm bleeding like a stuck pig? The nurse said "some women continue to have periods while pregnant". Um, not this lady. This was my 31st cycle TTC and I kinda know what a non-pregnant bleed looks like. It took ~5~ hits to get blood to. Bitches.)

But I digress ... I spoke to the nurse about my worry of cysts so Doc wanted to take a quick look inside. But I don't have cysts on cd3 after an ovulation. I get them immediately after trying to ovulate. So the wanding was again, unnecessary. We spoke about me wanting to get checked after my LH surge to make sure there was free flowing fluid out there. To make sure I did ovulate. Instead, my RE discusses that he has diagnosed me with LUF syndrome (Luteinized unruptured follicle syndrome). Well, slap my ass and call me Nancy. Wait, call me something else.

LUF syndrome is defined as "Follicle rupture and release of the egg should occur within 38 hours of the urinary LH surge. Abnormal follicular development as well as pelvic adhesions can result in failure of the ovary to actually release the egg into the peritoneal (abdominal) cavity at the time of ovulation. This problem may be detected by correlating the follicle ultrasound results with urinary LH testing. HCG administration should correct this problem if it is due to a hormonal abnormality. " Sounds just like me, eh?

RE wants to just go through a natural cycle, yet monitored and administered with HCG. Exactly like the IUI without the IUI and initial drugs. EXCEPT - and here's the kicker - it'd be immensely more expensive. Because this is not treating the underlying cause of infertility (which my insurance covers), I'm likely to pay $2oo for u/s and $115 for office visit. I'd be on the hook for cd3, cd13 + trigger and cd14/15 monitoring. Plus I'd have to trigger ~4~ times!!! 7,000 IUs on cd13 and 1,000 on each cd15, cd17 & cd19. Holy cow. Of course I'd be triggering myself, so no office visit, but still, that's 3 u/s plus visits, at $315 each, totalling $930!!! That is $350 more than a friggin IUI cycle! Oh the humanity!

I'm currently waiting a call from the billing girl who I spoke with on Friday. She's going to talk to the billing god and see if I can pay a lesser fee for a "mock iui". She's also going to take a look to see what my insurance covered for cyst u/s's in the past. The problem with the past is I actually HAD cysts then. Now, I don't have them so it's billed differently. I asked, aloud, why they had to be so damned moral in their billing practices, which illicited a laugh from the office staff.

To tell you the truth, I don't want to pay for mock cycles. More to the point, I don't want to go through a mock cycle. I want to try to ovulate on my own. But I just want to see if I ~can~. I want to have some sort of knowledge that I did ovulate after the +opk. That's all. I don't want 4 days of hCG shots. I don't want 3 days of u/s. I want one u/s, after said +opk, just to put my mind at ease. I understand how it's not proactive, so I understand why RE wants to do it his way, but damn it, isn't there a chance I can do it on my own? I have had two children. I know it IS possible. So why not let me have a break while taking the necessary breaks? If I still have to be monitored and poked and prodded, might as well do IUI after IUI, right?

After saying all that, I guess I was lying quite a bit, not just "a little", as I previously said.

(please) Answer me this ... Updated

Say you have a personal issue in which a very good friend makes you feel really shitty about it. Say this very good friend really does have good intentions. But still, it makes you feel shitty so you say "hey, you are making me feel shitty."

Now, in response, friend says something to the matter of "My intentions are good and only you can make yourself feel shitty. It's up to you to allow yourself to feel shitty" And that's that. Maybe more is explained on the good intentions, which personally, I already realize, but no "wow, I didn't mean to make you feel bad". Instead, I am simply told I shouldn't allow myself to feel bad. End of story.

How would this exchange make you feel? Please let me know because it happens more than a few times with one of my friends.

Update:

Well, no need to really say how I feel about this, as I answered in the comments. I wanted to thank everyone for answering me on this one! :)

If I don't get pregnant by next August ...

As some of you may know, next August is when I'll be closing up shop on my little ole uterus. My husband will be getting the "big V" and I'll be inserting a 10 year IUD.

Just in case you don't know, personally, age 36 is our own personal decision to stop having babies. Not that it's too old for anyone else, just that it's our limit for many personal reasons that I won't go into here. It's just that and that's it.

Anywho...

I have been thinking about the disappointment that will come with just stopping. It seems so unbearable. BUT. I've thought of something. I need something to look forward to if that occasion arrises. And I have thought of it.

If no pregnancy, I'm going to get a new (yes, another) set of twins. A newer set of boobies. And maybe some liposuction on this 36 yr old body. If I can't have any more babies, I might as well look like I never had any, right?

heartbreak.

I needed to get out of the office from the solitude of coding at my computer. I thought a lunch out would help.

I'm sitting at "noodles" waiting for my food, chit-chatting with my coworker and I start listening to the lyrics of a coldplay song playing above me. Okay, I don't even really particulary like coldplay. But still, I listen.

"Fix You"
When you try your best but you don't succeed
When you get what you want but not what you need
When you feel so tired but you can't sleep
Stuck in reverse.

When the tears come streaming down your face
When you lose something you can't replace
When you love someone but it goes to waste
Could it be worse?

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you

And high up above or down below
When you're too in love to let it go
But if you never try you'll never know
"Just what you're worth"

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you.

cd1, c12

yipee. and she even came early. Good thing I cried for 6 hours yesterday so I am all done.

update: I'm totally not done. still crying.

secondarily in pain.

BFN today.

I wish most primaries were right. I wish I didn't feel like there was a knife in my heart right now. I wish I could cry, but I can't show it in front of my kids that I'm so lucky to even have. These two girls should make this hurt less, shouldn't it? WHY THE FUCK DOESN'T IT THEN?

It is understood, right?

I've seen so many other posts on the subject. From what I started with Primary vs Secondary Infertility.

I wasn't making a comparison between the two and how all people feel.

I wasn't saying anyone's life is better or worse between the two.

I wasn't saying anyone's pain is worse.

What I did say was I could compare my pain of ~not~ getting what I want(ed) at the time. The pain ~I~ felt when #1 wasn't coming is exactly the pain ~I~ feel when #3 isn't coming.

I never said I wasn't happy with what I have.

I never said ttc#1-ers, after long journeys, should feel the same as me. In fact, I said they most likely would not.

What I did say was the pain of the disappointment ~feels~ the same to ME. In the journey my life took me on.

So WHY did I write it at all? I simply tried to point out to those who may not understand how secondary infertiles can feel badly or even maybe WHY secondary infertiles should get a bit of support when needed too. Based on how I felt. That we're not all lollipops and roses holding a BFN, again, while another child calls us from the other room. That BFN hurts. And the disappointment sucks. And the WANT is the same.

I saw some comments that seemed to misrepresent my original comments and I just wanted to make sure I explained to anyone who may come back.

I felt both primary and secondary IF (in my little way). So I can comment, with some certainty, on how I felt/feel. I can't comment how anyone else in the entire world feels.

And to be honest, it's not even how I felt when I was primary. Back then, I would have argued my own conclusions (again, in my own journey), till the cows came home. So everyone not agreeing with me was completely expected. I just hope that no one was offended by my description of how ~I~ personally feel. Actually, I don't think it'd be possible to be offended because I never mentioned how anyone else should feel. Simply how it felt to be me.

That was fun. & I need some HELP!

I had so much fun last night just meeting all the girls. I want in. Definitely. Going to start going to practice.

So much fun that I didn't even flinch at my 10dpiui BFN. (okay, so it's a teeny early, but still.)

I need to come up with a name. The key to the name is it can't be taken nor even like any other names. Here is the ~master roster~. Did you take a look? See. It's an nearly impossible job.

I want my name to be a play on words. Even including my own name. I thought of "sick 'em Nancy" like Sid n Nancy, but "Skid'n Nancy" was already taken. I have an awesome version of Nancy Sinatra though, that it the forerunner of my own ideas.

I need your help. Any ideas out there? Any at all?

Roller Derby!

Monday is "recruit day" with the local roller derby teams and guess who is trying out? Little ole me.

I. can't. wait.

Really. Since I just hit 35, I feel my punkrock days are slipping away and I need to grab onto the horns with all my might. Can't think of a better way than to be a Pikes Peak Derby Dame.

I went roller skating today to brush up on my skills since I haven't been on roller skates, since, oh, I was 11 years old. And wow. I sucked at first. But after an hour or so, I was flying around the rink fast as could be. I am fast. But not so great on the whole stopping thing. heh. That'll be next. And I'm thinking that I'll normally be stopped by being pummeled by some hardcore derby girl anywho.

3 months before I can be picked up for a team unless I pass a skills assessment early. So we'll see how it goes. Whether I'm picked up or not is not what I'm going for (but I really want to wear a little school girl skirt & tank top for my official uniform. I really do.)

IF I end up with a BFP this next week, I'm sure my disappointment into not continuing with roller derby won't even make me bat an eyelash. Minimal disappointment for something that never was. But if it does end in a BFN, at least I have this to fall on. And if I do get to derby, I'm going to visualize every girl on the opposing team as a fertile mertile. How's that?

My brain is smarter than my heart.

I know that post-o temps mean absolutely nothing. When anyone else starts obsessing, I try to kindly point out that there is just nothing to really look at until LP time is up. I ~know~ this.

So my temps are pretty freaking high right now. Higher than ever. And I know I ovulated 2 nice plump eggs. So I know I have higher than normal progesterone levels due to 2 corpus luteums. I ~know~ this.

So why isn't my brain telling my heart to stop getting excited over nothing? Not only is my brain NOT telling my heart to stop, brain is enabling heart by allowing heart to use brains abilities to go "search for charts like your own". Good lord.

Or maybe it's all just a big conspiracy plan brought about by Miss Hope. Now that's something I can grab onto.

Primary vs. secondary(+) infertility.

As I was in the shower this morning, I thought, once again, what my results could be from this IUI. As I was thinking that there is no possible way it will be a bfp, I then thought "well, why ~not~ me?". Which the latter is totally Miss Hope speaking. She has a way with it you know.

Anywho, then I started thinking about how the disappointment will feel which then got me to thinking of I could compare this disappointment with the disappointments I felt when TTC#1. I'm in a particularly "lucky" place to have both felt the sting of primary and secondary infertility and to have also been on the receiving end of a "first try bfp". Lucky in not the conventional ways, but lucky in the aspect that I can call myself quite qualified to compare each type of disappointment I felt.

note: I do want to point out that this is relative to where ~I~ was in my ttc journey. I only went through 18 cycles to get #1. I acknowledge that I have no idea what it's like to go 30, 40, 60 cycles ttc#1. I can imagine the pain gets worse as time wears on and once you get there, I'm sure the two pains I will speak about are no longer the same. I do understand this. And I do feel sadness for all those heartbreaks out there.

When I was a ttc#1-er, I had little pity for the disappointment of a ttc#2-er. Even less for a ttc#3(+)-er. I just couldn't understand HOW they could even feel disappointment, when they were able to toss the BFN in the trash and then call for their little one to come and hug and cuddle the pain away. I thought it was almost rude for a ttc#2(+)-er to even admit they felt disappointment. But now that I'm in those shoes, I understand.

It's different, yes. And while I can't compare in which one feels worse, I can compare the different ways it felt bad. When TTC#1, I had that fear that I may never conceive at all. That I may be completely infertile. That was a scary proposition for sure. I think it was even the worst part of it - the fear of the unknown. On the opposite side, secondary infertility, or in my case, tertiary infertility, gives a whole different kind of fear. The fear that I will never get to feel it again. I know what I'll be missing. And even though I already have two children, which I feel so blessed to have received at all, I know in my heart my family isn't complete. I can tell you with 100% honesty that I don't long any less for #3 than I did for #1. The fears are different, but the WANT is still exactly the same. So the idea of not getting #3 for me is exactly the same as not getting #1. For ttc#2(+)-ers, hearing "well, at least you already have a child" hurts just as much as a ttc#1-er hearing "Well, at least you can have nice things instead of children". We want that child, whether it's #1 or #3, so telling us anything regarding not getting that child hurts like hell. Does this make sense?

I understand ttc#1-ers may not "get" this. I honestly don't know if I would of gotten it when I was ttc#1. I just don't think I would of been able to understand how in the world the ~pain~ of not being able to get #3 could be the same as not being able to get #1. I now see how it's just a different kind of pain. Not comparable in why each feels the way it does, but it hurts just as bad now as it did when I was still ttc#1.

Question to all you other IUI-ers...

I was told that you guys don't get to see the spermies making their way up the fallopian tubes during your IUIs.

What is the protocol for yours? Do you get an ultrasound day of IUI? What are all the steps that happen for you?

The steps for me on day of:
1. Fabulous speculum is inserted and then the catheter.
2. Speculum is taken out while they inject.
3. catheter taken out.
4. Wand goes in.
5. measurements of the follicles - looking for their collapse to make sure I actually Od. If I have not O'd quite yet, another insemination is scheduled for following day.
6. measurements of lining.
7. Watches "other" things - like tubes, to make sure you can see the spermies being "sucked up" tubes. Also looks for blood flow.

"100 miles south of Dallas"

The second IUI was completed an hour ago. I called my lovely husband while laying in the darkened room, hips propped up, waiting the obligatory "15 minutes" before leaving. (which, I asked why, as this has been proven to not do anything. And the nurse said "oh, we know - it just makes out patients feel better about it." heh.) First thing I asked was "where are you" and the answer was "oh, about 100 miles south of Dallas". So ~if~ on the slight chance I go get pregnant this cycle, I wanted to know exactly where my husband was at the moment of conception. THAT will go in the baby book.

Stats seemed okay from the frozen sample. 17 million w/ 68% motility. That's a grand total of 11.6 million men in there, trying to find 2 eggs. Yup. I let go of those two beautiful eggs.

The 3rd follicle was presently sitting at 17x18mm (up from 15x15 yesterday). The RE said he couldn't quite tell me what was happening with it.
~ It could have grown big enough, released and is now collapsing.
~ It could have just grown to this size from yesterday and could still release within the next day.
~ It could have just grown to this size from yesterday and it just going to shrink back down (which is the most likely option)

My lining was up to 8.1 - ~much~ better. I'm to take the estradiol for 3 more days. Then the progesterone test in 7 days and then of course, the beta in 14.

The second insemination was not scheduled, as I had obviously already ovulated, so a 2nd insemination tomorrow would essentially be too late. We were, however, told to do a bunch of "homework".

It was strange today. Just knowing my husband was so far away, not even thinking of the insemination, made it awkward. I wished I could of been on the phone with him during the IUI, but he's in the car with some buddies in Texas, so that would of been uncomfortable for him. I just hope that my hope alone was enough. I sat and watched the miracle of anatomy happening, as we watched, under ultrasound, at my tubes "sucking up the sperm" (my RE's words) and all I could do was quietly hope underneath all the science.